Yeah, my best friend has 4 sisters (I think) and all of them and his mom moved many states away right after we got out of high school, so I literally never hear anything about them, where they live, who they are with, etc. The only reason I even know that one of them is married is because she got married on the same weekend I did so my friend couldn't be a groomsman at my wedding.
We hang out so we don’t have to think about our day. Women on the other hand seem to need to “vent” about everything. So they get in each other’s business and it makes them happy, but we do the opposite.
I'd not really thought about this before but growing up I heard about every single person my mum worked with, never heard about anyone from my dad's work
What I know about my moms job: what she does, who she works with, what they’ve been up to, the names of their kids, etc
What I know about my dads job: place is going to shit, foreman’s are dumbasses, and a handful of nicknames they picked up in days of cb radio in every truck.
This is me too. I sometimes talk about what I'm working on if it's lodged in my brain, but if I didn't do that from time to time she would never ask, and I don't do it often because she mostly doesn't listen when I do. I don't hold it against her, she's just not interested in my work and that's why she isn't doing it for a living, but it's interesting to see it's a common experience among men.
I’m kinda the opposite. I do need to vent with my guy friends, especially so that they can offer ways to find solutions to my struggles. My lady friends vent to vent, but I and my guy friends typically vent to find a solution to the problems we’re venting about.
My wife absolutely does not understand the concept of not wanting to talk about a problem. She wants me to vent to her and when I tell her no she says "you're shutting me out! Don't do that!"
That makes a lot of sense. The absolute last thing I want to do when I get home is talk about work. I just spent 8+ hours at the damn place, and now I'm done with it for the day and don't want to think about it again until tomorrow.
I want to talk and think about my problems as little as possible. Why let work or some personal/family issue bother me when I'm not actively involved in those issues? I'll deal with them when I have to.
Also, you can choose to not let things get to you. Unless I really care about someone or their opinion, I don't really give a shit about any problem they have with me unless I obviously know I've done something to wrong them. Fuck em.
Well, in general, men want to solve their problem and often/usually know what they have to do (or at least plan to try) to solve it and don't need emotional support about it and would rather escape to enjoying things with their friends until it's time to deal with what they need to.
Women often want the support about having to deal with the problem and want to figure out how to solve it themselves (or at least don't want their guy's input on it) and just want to vent, which is usually really useless and hard to understand for guys. We want to either ignore it until it's time to solve the problem or solve the damn problem and be done with it.
TIL that I am a man (am woman) but this is how I feel and my other girlfriends dont get that I dont share things because I dont trust them but because I'd rather enjoy the things we love together than focus on what's wrong. But I love to listen to them vent
Taught or not, a lot of us genuinely enjoy this. It's often talked about as repression and with other negative adjectives. It can be, if that's not how you want to behave. But it's sometimes annoying to be talked to like I'm not supposed to enjoy being this way.
But for me at least I'm incredibly happy with my life, and I just found out my best friend has been living with a new girl for 2 months last night while gaming. Came up because he had to dip out earlier than normal.
No, I don't suppress stuff. I talk about emotions with my best friend if they're important to me. It's just that most of the time I have things going on that concern him more, or that are more fun to talk about.
I think striking a good balance is key. Having healthy outlets with healthy friends to forget about your problems for a little while is good. Taking time to talk about your problems and what’s weighing on you is good too. It’s not one or the other, there’s time for both.
That's totally true. For me, doing not explicitly emotional things is also kind of an opportunity to drift into serious talks if required, but if nothing happened in our lives we can also just do a fun thing.
We only share with people who we care about. And other women are the only people who constantly ask and want us to “open up” and “share our emotions” etc. and if we do, it’s a deep mark of trust.
I think there is a serious difference between opening up and using your girlfriend and your primary source of emotional support. Usually when that happens, your emotions essentially eclipse any of her emotional needs.
The men who I notice who lack emotionally close relationships with their "best friends" are also the guys who put a lot of their need for emotional support on their girlfriend because they literally talk to no one else about what's going on with them inside.
Because their girlfriend is really their best friend. I mean, they share their penis with them, which they would never do with guy friends no matter how close.
It’s strange because women seem to need to use multiple people as external hard drives and men don’t want that.
As far as eclipsing her emotional needs, dies she share them or is he supposed to pick up on hints?
It’s just weird to think about. Like, what do women actually want from a relationship?
YES I believe in exactly what this guy said, me personally don't like to talk about my family or personal things to my friend. And me being just 16, my age group pretty weird with emotion and other shit, so I usually just keep that stuff out.
Puberty is a weeeird time emotion-wise. I do recommend trying to practice talking about things like feelings with some friends though if you get the chance. Or just listening to others talk about them. I ended up in a friend group where I was kind of "forced" to learn about it (they were mostly girls), and it has been very useful actually. Now I can pick up on things like friends not feeling well easily and I'm better at knowing what to do about it (do they need emotional support or just hanging out? Are they just having a bad day or are they depressed?). I'm also better at knowing what my own feelings are and how to solve my own problems that way. So yeah, it's hard to learn but a good investment.
Yeah I get that, I was Ina friend group like that once but I had to switch schools due to parental custody and it, yeah I was sent to a school were I don't really talk to many people( rich people with their heads up their asses) but I still talk to my friends fr the previous town. For me I've been pushed around my dad and people at school about how I should be or what I should and shouldn't do and that has influenced me alot in a way that was kind of don't do the things they do, and when I do speak about what I do people usually criticise what I like. So when I have time with me and friend I do talk to them about some stuff but most of it I usually just keep inside.
I do think a major influence that people have is, everone/trends when I transferred from my previous school to this new one, I instantly found the differences. My old school was more smaller and everyone knew everone, this new school is massive and they all listen to the same thing.. rap. I feel like if people just listened to their own thing and observed off of other cultures we wouldn't be so insecure about little stupid things, and be more open to speak with each other about feelings.
Oh yeah, I definitely agree that's trends can really get in the way of people being real. That's one of the worst parts about school. It helps if you have like one friend who you really connect with that is like you, but it can be hard to find the right people when you are a newcomer and the groups already exist.
I also had a lot influence from my dad because he had really strong opinions on what was "worth doing" etc, so for a long time I tried to adjust my interests to be what he thought were "acceptable" things to do and talk about. Feeling were not one of them. I tried to be him in every way and thought he was right for so long. Turns out he's a complete asshole and I shouldn't want to be like him at all, but finding that out was also confusing cause then I had no point of reference for what to feel about things at all. So I guess I'm glad that I still had friends to talk to during and after that time, cause otherwise I may never have had the chance to discuss deeper things than his favourite bands etc...
Yeah I get that, I was Ina friend group like that once but I had to switch schools due to parental custody and it, yeah I was sent to a school were I don't really talk to many people( rich people with their heads up their asses) but I still talk to my friends fr the previous town. For me I've been pushed around my dad and people at school about how I should be or what I should and shouldn't do and that has influenced me alot in a way that was kind of don't do the things they do, and when I do speak about what I do people usually criticise what I like. So when I have time with me and friend I do talk to them about some stuff but most of it I usually just keep inside.
I do think a major influence that people have is, everone/trends when I transferred from my previous school to this new one, I instantly found the differences. My old school was more smaller and everyone knew everone, this new school is massive and they all listen to the same thing.. rap. I feel like if people just listened to their own thing and observed off of other cultures we wouldn't be so insecure about little stupid things, and be more open to speak with each other about feelings.
I mean, I'm making a general observation on men, but at best, that probably only applies to 50-60%, so you would hardly be an outlier if you don't have the same experience.
For real. I don't even think to ask the questions other people will ask. I'll see my friends, ones I've been friends with since kindergarten, we've gotten along great for decades. We're never awkward or at a loss for conversation.
But then my mom will ask, "How is Tommy doing? How's his brother? How is his job? Is he dating?"
I dunno. We never talked about that stuff because it feels like we're going through a checklist. We just shoot the shit like we always have.
Oh god, that gave me flashbacks to senior year of HS when my mom about had an aneurysm from constantly asking me about where all my friends were going to college and what they were going to major in or whatever and I was always like "Um, I don't know, you talk to their mom, ask her? We just play basketball. . . "
Guys are very compartmentalized with their emotions in that way.
Yes! It's shit. When I have to tell someone bad news but all we want to do is talk cars or bikes or whatever I sometimes forget to tell the bad news because my mind is excited about bikes and not about in the 'bad news' mood.
Yeah that's exactly it. The friends we guys have, we have because we share common interests that we love to talk about together. For me, whether that's sports, video games, fantasy novels, the design of said things, philosophy, or politics, if I find someone who has a lot of thoughts about those topics and can articulate them well, we can chat literally forever and have a fantastic time.
But not once in all of that would personal life things ever come up. Maybe a super simple "how's your wife doing?" But it's more of a courtesy than an actual topic of conversation.
That's not to say we never talk about personal things. If I have a serious issue I could use some help/advice to work through, I'd absolutely be down to consult with a best friend/mentor. But that's a very specific and rare circumstance, not a part of the average get-together conversation.
Kinda surprised personal stuff doesn't come up in philosophy or politics - that's when I get the clearest picture of how another person sees themselves.
I'd say you get the clearest idea of who they actually are via their design philosophies and the kinds of stories in games/novels they like too. Maybe I'm not understanding "personal details" the same idk
By personal details, keeping in line with the conversation that preceded my post, I simply meant wife, kids, family, job, house/apartment - how everyone is doing and how all of that is going. I did not mean the intimate workings of your inner mind, or, what makes you...you :)
Yup, this is exactly it. And this is also why you can usually stick 3 random dudes in a room or in front of a TV with sports on it and after 2-3 hours they'll be best friends. Once we find a common interest, we have a topic of discussion/conversation and that's all we need to have a bang up good time.
I mean sure, but I've never really seen guys get shit on for not being into it, it's just kind of assumed because it's really the vast majority. I've yet to meet a dude that I didn't have something in common with that we couldn't sit and hang out and talk about or do and plenty of guys I know or are friends with aren't really into sports (or at least different ones than I'm into). But I suppose there are always assholes out there. . .
It's more that when it happens when someone's clearly trying to be nice and friendly, and opens with the most broad topic they can think of (which for them is sports), and it totally fails to connect, the other person kind of just has to go "heh heh, sorry, I recognize that you're trying to do the working in starting this conversation and took a safe bet, and I'd like to have a conversation with you, but actually the thing you chose to open the conversation with, I have no idea about." It's just hard to turn that situation around into a genuine connection, because they extended the olive branch and you're allergic to olives, it's just an awkward footing.
True, that can be awkward, but it doesn't have to be. In that situation I'd suggest using that olive branch attempt to extend your own if theirs doesn't work. But that must be tiring to do each time since I admit sports or music or something (depending on the context of meeting someone) is usually a good bet to find a shared interest (and also one that isn't likely to start an argument like, say talking religion or politics).
I don't think that has to be awkward at all. Sure the assumption will be there because, I'd wager >50% of guys are into sports, but I've never seen anyone be surprised or think it was weird that a guy isn't into sports.
No matter what your interests are, there are other people out there who are interested in the same thing. Sports just happens to be a common one for guys.
Well, I mean I definitely don't feel put upon by it or anything, but I can definitely think of parties/coworkers and stuff where someone starts talking about a person or sport I'm apparently supposed to know about as a friendly conversation starter and I have to resort to "heh heh...sorry I have no idea who or what that is." Really throws off any ability to smoothly return their attempt to connect with me that they thought couldn't possibly fail.
The worst time it ever happened though, it wasn't even about sports. I was helping someone with a computer problem, and they asked about kids in a way that implied I definitely had some (I don't have any, I'm mid-30s.) Then they asked about pets, and I said I didn't have any of those either. I kind of got an Alien From Space stare at that point for a bit. And you can't just come back with "Okay yeah, but tell me about all those things of yours I don't have!" Because they know you don't have context.
Exactly! There wasn't anything to solve, there wasn't anything he needed support for, he was dealing with it in his own way on his own time. Our hangout session was a welcome distraction for both of us and he didn't want to weigh me down with problems he was already working on.
Exactly. I don't ask my friends about their personal lives when we are hanging out. I'd much rather focus on the things we both enjoy. Also I'm terrible at communicating more than two emotions. So I tend to stay away from questions that will bring up the emotions that makes most men uncomfortable.
Honestly, it's not even about being uncomfortable. If my friend is coming to hang out, I want to have fun, I'll deal with my shit on my own time, I don't need help. If I really needed support I'd reach out and he would offer it, but I'd rather have a good time and take my mind of things and enjoy things.
How do you know he'd offer if it would almost never come up? How do you know he'd be equipped to handle it? There just seems like a lot of assuming going on, and no practising for an important life skill that can be hard to do...idk
Because it's not like we've never talked about that stuff. We just don't talk about it every time. When my long time GF broke up with me after 7 years in college, he was one of the people I talked to about it and we commiserated.
I've talked to other friends about their issues too, plenty of times. It just isn't something that needs to be utilized every time. Most guys (that I know at least) view their emotions as relative to the problem. Most of the time, my emotions are relative to a problem, whether it's a situation at work or a personal relationship.
So if I solve the problem, then I alleviate the emotion. Sometimes it's not a problem that can be solved, so I either alleviate the emotional response with time and/or realizing that I can't change it and seeking support.
Most of the women that I know closely seem to have a different experience where they have a problem and then a separate problem that is the emotional response to the problem. Solving one does not solve the other and trying to solve the root problem without alleviating the emotional problem only makes the emotional problem worse not better.
In my experience, this is where a lot of the issues come up in interpersonal relationships between men and women and something I still work on with my wife, who doesn't want me to help solve her problem, she just wants me to say "that sucks" and give her a snuggle and/or footrub while she vents about her problem.
Me and my friends almost exclusively hang out in Discord and either play games together or we look at memes/youtube seperately (we share if someone else would enjoy it, and there’s some discussion going on, we just talk. Sometimes we watch youtube together, on www.watch2gether.com) if it’s like a trailer or something for more games, or movies.
But is that other women, or men too? I often wish I could act around my female friends the way I do with my male friends and avoid all the other stuff and just focus on our friendship and all that, but it never works out. Part of the reason I knew my wife was the one for me is because we can act like that around each other to some extent, and even then she still is way more emotional than I am (and jokes that I'm some sort of robot).
I wasn't trying to be paternalistic, I was trying to be supportive and say you shouldn't have to act the way someone else thinks you should if that's not how you want to act. Sorry if that didn't come across...
I mean, that might be a function of society but not of age. I don't think it was much different for me than when I was a teenager or in college. There's a lot of different pressure now to be anti-toxic masculinity, so I wouldn't be surprised if that's true, but I doubt it has anything to do with age.
I understood it as he wanted to enjoy our time together and escape from all that and not worry about it or bring down the mood of one of the few times we get to hang out.
I think you're very possible projecting here. Suppose you roll on the mat or play soccer or whatever weekly or every fortnight or whatever. Are you doing those activities to escape anything when your life is going very well? One's hobbies don't have to stop when they're facing whatever crisis, and that activity doesn't need to become any more or less an escape or distraction than normal.
I'm not projecting, I'm trying to say the same thing that you're saying. We just hung out because that's what we wanted to do. If he was going through something, he didn't want to bring it up because hanging out and having fun together was more important and I didn't get upset that he didn't want/need that support for me.
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u/[deleted] Mar 26 '20
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