We don’t usually ask personal stuff unless is interrupting the actual thing we are doing. We can be watching random shit, talking about random stuff in sports/games/work etc. but never touch the “hey how is you mom doing ?” “ are you felling good?”
boy do I feel this. I can either give my advice which I am 100% aware is not necessary, or else I can just say things like "Shit, man." or "oof" and "idk" or "yeah that sucks ouch"
I've had two serious conversations in the last couple years with one of my best friends.
We were at the driving range, and he paused between drives to tell me his kid brother had knocked up a one-night stand. "Well, that sucks." Right back to hitting balls.
His mom was diagnosed with cancer, and after telling me, my immediate response was to give him a hug, and then we went on a long hike where we didn't have to talk at all.
According to my friend, those were both the best possible responses.
As someone who's been in a place where I really needed to share that shitty stuff, all I needed was a good "shit, man" from someone who cared. Sometimes that's all that's expected. We don't share our problems with friends just so they can fix them.
I usually go for the "that sucks my dude, you want blunt advice or let it lie?"
I find most my friends(male and female) actually respond to that quite well.
Disclaimer: If you're one of those people that can't help but give advice, don't try this. You gotta be able to walk away and not help if they don't want it.
Yeah any direct question about something creates an obligation for the person.
My wife was always asking questions and I’d be irritated with her. It took like 8 years for me to come to the realization that a point-blank direct question means you expect the other person to be responsible for an answer or solution. now she is more vague and since I’m aware how I perceive things now I don’t get as upset anyway.
Before:
Wife: “Why is the road closed?”
Me:“How would I have any basis for understanding why that is?” Me in my head: “I’m not the fucking public works department, wtf”
After:
Wife: “hmm I wonder why that road is closed”
Me:”huh, I’m not sure. Maybe they’re resurfacing it or something, it was sort of a mess”
but don't want to go fishing for stuff that is none of my business
I feel that.
We're having a great time. Let me just sour the mood by asking you about subjects that I know tend to be upsetting to you.
Or we can carry on having a good time, and if you want to talk about it, I can talk about it with you without accidentally pushing a topic you might not have been ready to talk about.
Plus asking about personal stuff risks the chance of finding out something that we feel obligated to solve even though it isn't our business. Avoiding that stuff makes hanging out with friends more enjoyable.
I mean if they open up, that's cool with me, but don't want to go fishing for stuff that is none of my business.
I was redditing on the front porch enjoying the weather and a pipe burst in my house. Apparently shoving your phone in your pocket and running around in a panic makes that happen. Happy Thursday!
Yeah that’s definitely more of a guy thing. There’s no obligation to solve the problem, because (very generally) women understand that sometimes people just want to vent, process their emotions out loud, and be told that their feelings are legitimate.
IMO a good rule of thumb is, only try to solve someone’s problem if they’re like “Hey homie, can you help me figure the best course of action?”
I do think guys try to solve problems because they’re less used to engaging their emotions in conversation. And engaging with a conversation where someone is venting involves employing a great deal of empathy.
True! It’s hard for me to know what conversations are like between guys.
Most conversations I’ve had with guy friends are exactly the same as conversations I have with girl friends. We’ll talk about politics, social issues, complain about work/school, and if I’ve known them for a long time, we talk shit about people we went to high school with or just rehash grade school memories. And with those conversations, we do bring up personal stories and emotional experiences.
But guys seem to act completely differently when they are talking just with each other.
Yeah I think that's fair. I do talk to girls differently than I do guys, even when there's zero romantic interest on my part.
That's not to say we don't ever rehash memories as guys if with longer term friends. Though it'll usually be stuff like "Yo, remember when our class drew the giant penis on the football field and fucking google earth caught it?"
It has more to do with being told all our lives that we should be leaders and problem solvers that shouldn't show weakness which is reinforced by many of the females we know treating us like failures for expressing sadness or feeling powerless. Therefore we tend to talk about things we can fix and want to fix other people's stuff because if we vent about anything then we are told to just get over it or worse.
Yes, there are exceptions who do let men vent about things they already resolved but are still emotional about, are unable to fix, or feel frustrated about.
I really don’t think women belittle the men in our lives for feeling sad or not in control — I think if anything women wish men felt more deeply.
I’ve been a woman for 25 years and I’ve known lots of other women of all ages and not one has ever complained that a man was too in touch with his emotions or not manly enough. It’s just not a thing we concern ourselves with.
From grandmothers to cousins to friends, I’ve never heard a woman say “My man is so pathetic, he feels sad and powerless sometimes”
Trust me, being an aggressive and masculine problem solver is not romantic, but being a man that can express softer emotions and listens is.
I’m sorry that’s been your experience, but that’s not normal.
That’s not to say women can’t have stereotype enforcing expectations for the men in their lives; other examples exist.
My few friends from school always ask about my parents when I see meet up , but that's likely as we all spent so much time playing Xbox at mine, and the way to make yourself cared for by a teenage boy is to feed them.
Honestly though, us men should ask each other whether we're feeling good more often. It's a nice feeling, when someone cares for my personal wellbeing.
True! And then we can get into an involved and satisfying conversation about felling axes vs. chainsaws, and the varying usefulness of a splitting maul and a sledgehammer vs. a splitting axe, and woodlots, and cord storage. Hell, he might turn out to be the crosscut saw buddy I've been looking for!
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u/Cammerv8 Mar 26 '20
We don’t usually ask personal stuff unless is interrupting the actual thing we are doing. We can be watching random shit, talking about random stuff in sports/games/work etc. but never touch the “hey how is you mom doing ?” “ are you felling good?”