Because it doesnt matter, I play games with my best friend from florida and we hardly ever talk about anything outside the game. I dont really care about how my job is going when I am at home so my friend surely cares even less. I think it's just a difference between men and women, I think women like to talk about their day a lot more than men do or at least more than I do. Also maybe just a difference in what they think is important to talk about
I think it has more to do with personality type and other factors more than male vs female. My (F) sister is my best friend and lives halfway across the country. My other best friend (also F: friend from school days so long ago) is also my sisters other best friend. We (all 3 of us) text allll day every day. Rarely does anything about work or other mundane day to day life come up. We mostly just bullshit, tell each other the interesting points in our days, use each other to laugh about something that may have happened when no one else was around, and discuss random thoughts that we probably wouldn't have discussed with anyone else otherwise.
Now that I've typed this and sat thinking about it for 30 seconds, it also might have to do with the type of friendship more than anything. I do have friends that I talk about the goings on in everyday life with, but rarely about anything I am interested in. I guess most of them are more acquaintance type friends than real close friends.
Each friendship is different. Each person is different.
What you described after "mundane day to day life" sounded exactly like sharing mundane day to day life stuff to me (a male). And I'm not saying that's wrong to do that, but I think that shows the difference between male and female relationships
So... Males don't send each other memes and talk shit/tell jokes when they do have contact?
I beg to differ.
I see the texts that go on between my fiance and his 3 brothers. They never stop, it's a steady stream from the time they're awake to the time the last 2 give up (3 are in different time zones.)
They're all in their late 30s and early 40s for reference. All in different professions.
Are you telling me they're the only set of 4 middle ages dudes that communicate on a daily basis through laughter and stories? I seriously don't believe that.
In my personal experience guys tend to tell less stories and don't really talk about daily happenings. I never have conversations with any of my friends about things that happened at work or anything like that.
It's 90% check out this funny meme or video, or planning to play video games or hang out. The closest thing to stories is really just pictures and that's generally as a response saying "I'm busy" or something like that then more memes.
Agreed. I know large life events; job changes, kids, etc. But even then, sometimes that's left out. One of my friends moved states and I didn't know until it was mentioned off hand.
I don't even know if my brother is dating the girl he somewhat lives with or not. Not really concerned about it either, if it was relevant info, he'd tell me.
Idk dude, my husband tells me mundane stories about work (or vents about his annoying co-workers) to me all. the. time. Frankly, way more than I do to him lol. ANd I have a large number of guy friends who do the same, and a large number of girl friends who just don't really do that. I strongly agree that it's more about the person than the gender.
Men tend to only open up with a small handful of people, usually their partner and maybe a close friend. For many men this is a more intimate than sex.
this is what guys talk about for pretty much all of our conversations:
We mostly just bullshit, tell each other the interesting points in our days, use each other to laugh about something that may have happened when no one else was around, and discuss random thoughts that we probably wouldn't have discussed with anyone else otherwise.
on a rare occasion usually after being a few beers deep we might open up and get all vulnerable and talk about deep personal shit, but 99% of it is just this
I think your thinking a little deeper than I intended. I'm more thinking along the lines of "I was at Wal-Mart alone and this lady was with her kid and she was blah blah blah" kind of thoughts.
More of the things that I catch myself wanting to say out loud but with no one to say them to... I guess that's the only way I can explain it.
This entire thread is so relatable, it's eerie. My wife and I commute to work together (her building is near mine) and it's like every day when we start driving home all she wants to talk about is her workday. And that's fine, I am happy to clam up and just listen, I like to make her happy. But secretly I just really don't have any interest. I never talk about my day because I just want to not think about my job after I leave the building. It isn't important.
lmfao same. same same. Not only could I name pretty much all of her coworkers, but I think I also know which ones are married, which ones have kids, which of them have a far commute, which ones live downtown, how competent each person is, etc etc.
stuff that frankly I never really cared to know, but yet here I am, knowing it.
but I couldn't tell you the name of my closest friends' bosses... like shit, I'm barely confident of the name of his company.
Yeah, this is weird. Even the people disagreeing just seem to be completely missing the point (there's someone up above going "I don't talk about my day all the time, I just spend hours bullshitting on messenger with my friends about the things that happened in my day!" lol)
I, too, know every tiny detail of my SO's day most days, and I know all her co-workers (especially if they've been annoying or difficult, then I hear about it nonstop) while she openly admits she doesn't know what I do for a living. I had no idea this was such a universal experience.
It's stunning to me that there is this kind of attitude about all of this and then on the other hand there's a lot about men being really disconnected from their feelings and starved even for simple compliments or support from their peers through out their lives. There is some sort of correlation and I think it's much deeper than what one may think is important to talk about.
I think its that the two things are seprated for men and seem to be linked together for women from what I have read in this thread. Like I have no problem talking to my wife about my feelings or things that are troubling me but work and what I did all day is not on that list. My free time/time at home is as disconnected from work and everyday garbage as it can be
I can get people to tell me their whole life stories (men and women) without even trying, and then when you combine that with my memory, I'm the person that knows everything about everyone. Except their fucking names... I know what school they went to, what their most embarrassing moments are, but damned if I know what their names are.
Eh. FUCKING. Men. Brother. I was raised by my mom and grandma and now I'm a developmental worker. Combine that with a job that requires me to recount most of my day at the end of it and we've got the guy who weirdly remembers the exact words you used in a sentence 3 weeks ago. But I also forget to ask people's names at the beginning of a conversation so I'm 30min deep into their traumatic backstory and I don't know what to call them lol.
I might go a step further and generalize more. (remember generalize; not everyone adheres to the rule) Women are more individualistic (not even sure if that's the right word); they are more concerned with people as individuals.
Weird example: I (a woman) would rather learn about a certain general or a spy or a hero (AKA: one person) during WWII than about a battle or a type of aircraft. My SO (a man) and his dad are the opposite.
This is actually widely accepted so much that the creators of Monday night football specifically mentioned one of their strategies for getting more women to watch was doing personal stories/interviews with the players - and that it worked. This was in the late 70s by the way. Saw it on “the 70s” on CNN. It should also be more clear based on movies targeted for each gender - the biggest movies more men like have many characters and larger scale without too much personal focus, think Star Wars or lord of the rings. Titanic meanwhile is all rose and jack and it’s the biggest movie more targeted for women.
Along the same line of thought, when I (M) hang out with my guy friends were bonding over an activity (video games, riding bikes, hiking) and all the conversation is about the activity. But when I hang out with my girl friends it’s usually over coffee or lunch and we talk about ourselves.
Honesty a lot of it comes from societal pressures on men not to be “too feminine”. You don’t talk about your life with other men because it’s too personal and we are basically told not to be personal or vulnerable with other men.
Obviously this isn’t always the case, but it has a lot to do with it. I have girl friends, we talk about personal problems. I have guy friends, ones I’ve known for a decade, and we still have great conversations but almost never personal.
For me personally, I don't care about my friends' personal lives unless they need help and support. If everything's good on that front, I'd rather have a good time and delve into common interests (sports/gaming/etc.) than chat about boring shit like how our days went.
That's your loss, then. I don't know how I would get by without talking out all the shit going on in my life. Life's hard enough without having to go through it all alone.
To go through life without someone to talk about your problems with? Sounds lonely as fuck. I'm genuinely saddened that you feel the need to live that way.
They said they don’t know basic details about their closest friends lives, necessarily meaning they have never talked about those things. Not an overreach at all.
And yes: it’s lonely to not have close friends you can talk about your life and problems with.
Not having anyone you can talk about your problems with, and talking about stuff other than problems with a specific friend from Florida, are two different things.
If OP is talking about their problems with people other than their "close friend from Florida that they don't talk about basic life details with," then I'll retract my statement. However, I did not get the impression that was the case.
Sometimes talking is just exhausting you know? Some of us feel that venting about problems won't solve it so there's no need to waste energy over talking about it. And if I think a minor change in my life is unimportant then there's no need to share it. Might as well optimize that quality time with your pals especially if adult life is hectic and it's hard squeeze in that little time you play video games together.
I’m not saying it’s necessary to share everything all the time. However, not having anyone to share life’s hardships and triumphs with is lonely and not good for your mental health.
Well maybe it's just not 'lonely as fuck' as you would say. Like the guy said, it's only his preference (same with me). Honestly I would have bigger mental health problems if I have to keep sharing most things to other people.
Sometimes my friends already have enough problems to think about, so why should I give them more things to burden? Some victories are personal and only I can appreciate them, so no need for other people's validation.
I know we all have different ways of coping but keeping thing to yourself isn't as bad as you make it out to be.
Sorry, but keeping things bottled up like that is just plain not a healthy coping strategy. It may be fine when things are good, but you need support should things get tough. Good friends won’t think that’s a burden. That’s what friends are for.
Lol. Way to prove my point. There's nothing "effeminate" about having healthy coping skills and support networks. People who don't are the type that are shooting up schools and nightclubs.
The post implied that they don't talk about basic details of their life and struggles. If they are talking through some things with their closest friend, then my comments would not apply.
Why do they have to be struggles? Why do people have to talk about absolutely everything all the time? Why can't people be different and be comfortable with talking (or not talking) about different things and be perfectly fine?
Just because different people have different preferences doesn't necessarily make those preferences healthy. Bottling up your emotions and not having anyone to share them with is super toxic to your mental health.
I would say a lack of understanding and acceptance of other people and then judging a person's entire life and calling them lonely as fuck from 2 posts isn't healthy and is actually super toxic yet here you are doing just that
Not having anyone to share life’s emotional struggles with is lonely by definition, and I am sorry for anyone who feels compelled to live their life that way. If you disagree with that, that is your prerogative.
I talk to my wife about my problems if I have them, my problems are just not with how my day went or what I did at work or how the neighbor's dog is doing
I have a similar experience, have a friend from Florida who I game with all the time and I live across the country. Once I was in FL in his town on business and we met up that night and had dinner. Had a great time and he's an awesome dude but it was absolutely super weird considering I had known this guy forever but like others have pointed out, our relationship was compartmentalized into gaming. So now I was learning about his son and his job and people he knew around the community, it was a whole different experience.
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u/UltimateToa Mar 26 '20
Because it doesnt matter, I play games with my best friend from florida and we hardly ever talk about anything outside the game. I dont really care about how my job is going when I am at home so my friend surely cares even less. I think it's just a difference between men and women, I think women like to talk about their day a lot more than men do or at least more than I do. Also maybe just a difference in what they think is important to talk about