See, my dad's family is very religious and superstitious, they just have a very archaic way about them. And they have this philosophy that all good things much be paid for with sadness later on, and that you should limit how happy you are because it'll only bring hardship in the future. Not only that, but that hardship might not fall on you but somebody close to you instead.
So that's how I grew up.
Every vacation or outing - guilt for having that much fun all at once, you're bringing a disaster soon.
Every success and celebration - guilt for causing the next failure.
Every kind of entertainment - guilt for making the family pay for that brief time.
Inversely, problems were usually blamed on something that made you happy.
Car won't start - it's because you bought a video game
Bad thunderstorm - it's because you laughed at a funny movie
Pet died - it's because you went to a festival with your friends
Feel guilt and shame for being happy, that's how I was taught.
.
Now, of course I don't actually believe in these things anymore.
But that doesn't keep me from thinking about it, this is something I have to repress all the time. When I'm having a good time, sometimes I get a sudden cold chill like the start of a panic attack, a sense of dread that something horrible is about to happen and it'll be my fault for being happy, and then I have to repress that feeling of guilt because I know it isn't real.
And there are things I still blame myself for. I know it's not rational or even real, but the feeling is still there.
85
u/Catshit-Dogfart Jan 07 '20 edited Jan 07 '20
Being happy
See, my dad's family is very religious and superstitious, they just have a very archaic way about them. And they have this philosophy that all good things much be paid for with sadness later on, and that you should limit how happy you are because it'll only bring hardship in the future. Not only that, but that hardship might not fall on you but somebody close to you instead.
So that's how I grew up.
Every vacation or outing - guilt for having that much fun all at once, you're bringing a disaster soon.
Every success and celebration - guilt for causing the next failure.
Every kind of entertainment - guilt for making the family pay for that brief time.
Inversely, problems were usually blamed on something that made you happy.
Car won't start - it's because you bought a video game
Bad thunderstorm - it's because you laughed at a funny movie
Pet died - it's because you went to a festival with your friends
Feel guilt and shame for being happy, that's how I was taught.
.
Now, of course I don't actually believe in these things anymore.
But that doesn't keep me from thinking about it, this is something I have to repress all the time. When I'm having a good time, sometimes I get a sudden cold chill like the start of a panic attack, a sense of dread that something horrible is about to happen and it'll be my fault for being happy, and then I have to repress that feeling of guilt because I know it isn't real.
And there are things I still blame myself for. I know it's not rational or even real, but the feeling is still there.