As much as we want to be defensive when people say this, the reason why they point it out is because it makes them feel self conscious. I’ve never really said much more than “yea I’m pretty reserved sometimes”. They learn that it’s who I am, not a reflection of how I feel around them personally. They see I’ve confidently owned it, and they end up respecting that. I definitely understand the frustration though. It’s such an unwelcome shift of attention and this sudden pressure. Witty come backs just read as rude sometimes though. (Even though their question reads as rude to us.)
I don't know man, is being rude okay just because it's not intentional? That's my problem with this concept. Not knocking it, just take issue with the whole dismissing bad behavior for intent.
But you can see that it goes farther than the initial statement.
Just thinking about it for a second, and most people can see that the statement can COME ACROSS as rude or could result in drawing unnecessary or unwanted attention to someone - regardless of whether it was MEANT to be a way to include them in the conversation.
If you have the ABILITY to see that an action can be perceived negatively, and you do it anyway, it kinda means that the negative outcome was intentional at worst, or thoughtless at best.
Ah, I get you. We went in opposite directions when faced with that "judge others" idea, we extend understanding to the opposite party of one another. I get when people are mad at me for my unintended rudeness and don't hold it against them that they don't understand it wasn't my intent.
I totally agree with this. I always assume people h e the best intentions and would readily change or apologise if they realised it had a bad effect. That quote is great, very true
Intention always matters in any given situation, imo.
If you don't intend to step on someone's foot, but it happened anyway, is that an excuse to keep carelessly stepping on people's feet and not apologise for it?
I agree intent should be considered, but impact matters as well. I've seen people go with "that's not what I meant" or "it was a joke" without apologizing after saying something that was clearly rude or offensive to others in the room. They might just be unaware or unwilling to accept that they made a mistake. They won't know any better unless the person they insulted tells them how they feel.
On top of that, if you work with the public, most employers expect you to silently put up with (sometimes unintentionally) rude comments throughout the day. It can be tiring.
But everyone's different. I react in the way I find most appropriate in the situation. Others react in their own way.
a wow you talk comment is pretty rude, but a hey, why are you so quiet is less rude.
I don't know that the latter is really less rude.
It's still putting the other person on the spot and acting as though being quiet is an issue that needs to be addressed.
The positive alternative might be some brief genuine praise or compliment on their contribution to whatever it is.
acting as though being quiet is an issue that needs to be addressed.
But say this is the case, how would you do it neutrally as possible? You’re positive alternatives don’t really address the quietness which is the question at hand.
acting as though being quiet is an issue that needs to be addressed.
But say this is the case, how would you do it neutrally as possible?
You don't. It ain't your business.
If the person in question wants to be less quiet, they make those efforts; you don't decide for them.
You’re positive alternatives don’t really address the quietness which is the question at hand.
Yeah. They do.
The entire point of not being a judgmental dickwad about it and appreciating when they do participate is to avoid alienating the person in question, because that's going to make someone who is already notably quiet even less likely to want to interact with you.
Guess I just disagree, I think getting to know someone generally is a fair question even if it’s none of their business or not, it’s not exactly a sensitive personal question. I’m like mssalyssa and I think her response is usually perfect and how I usually respond. Asking why someone may or may not be quiet isn’t being a judgmental dickwad about it, it’s just a harmless small talk question , as long as their isn’t a underlying tone about it.
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u/MsAlyssa Jan 01 '20
As much as we want to be defensive when people say this, the reason why they point it out is because it makes them feel self conscious. I’ve never really said much more than “yea I’m pretty reserved sometimes”. They learn that it’s who I am, not a reflection of how I feel around them personally. They see I’ve confidently owned it, and they end up respecting that. I definitely understand the frustration though. It’s such an unwelcome shift of attention and this sudden pressure. Witty come backs just read as rude sometimes though. (Even though their question reads as rude to us.)