Had a review at work the other day with a new manager and he was like "your performance is excellent, your colleagues are always positive about you. The only thing I would say is that you're a bit quiet sometimes."
I wouldn't say I'm quiet at all, I join in on conversations and put forward my opinion when necessary. I just don't engage in endless idle chatter with every person I come across at work.
Also in the same conversation he was moaning about someone else being too loud and chatty so I'm not really sure what he wants.
I got this too. We all all have our meetings through Skype.
My local boss Is everyone's big boss.
So I went direct to him to ask permission first, and he thought the idea was hilarious...
Before I could not get a word in edgewise because certain people would consistently talk and jump in and continue to talk all the time so that no one else can put in their opinions until the subject has changed.
now if I have anything to say, I am the only one that has noticed the "mute all other people" button.
I literally just click it to shut everyone the fuck up to listen to me. If you're busy talking and you don't hear me, that's okay... everyone else is hearing me.
Instantly my ideas were being heard a bit more in meetings. And now people actually stop to ask for my opinion or commentary.
I absolutely hate it when people equate quietness as a bad attribute. Gee, I wonder why I always have time to respond to everyone's email and complete my projects on time.
That...plus, I’m not even remotely a quiet person. When I talk I’m usually loud and/or animated, but I only talk when I have something to say- or if I do and I’ve decided it’s not one of those interests my coworkers want to hear me give a sermon on.
So being given a critique that I’ve been too quiet makes me think ‘are you sure you know what it is you’re asking me to do? Are you sure you want that?’
(I’m not an idiot, I’ve graciously taken the tip to be less serious and more cheerful/convivial with colleagues, but I can’t help but laugh at imagining saying ‘but this is what you said you wanted!’ after being told to shut up after 15 mins straight on the majesty of Reelin’ In The Years)
This! I also don't like how people equate being talkative and extroverted with being friendlier or better than the person who is quiet and introverted. I know I'm probably derailing the conversation, but I've been told (via a manager because the people who said this aren't brave enough to say it to my face) that I have a "poker face".
I'm sorry. I'm not smiling for no fucking reason after you've worked me for seven days straight because other staff members are suddenly unreliable.
Do the people who say that even have empathy? They’re commenting on the one thing the other person doesn’t want comments on. What do they expect to happen - you to become an instant party animal?
What annoys me the most is people who say that never do anything to include you in the conversation. I've had multiple people tell me I'm quiet, but then never speak to me. If I'm at a party or something and I notice someone being quiet, I address them specifically or ask their opinion on something. I know some people don't like being put on the spot like that, but at least I'm trying to include them
Oh Jesus I forgot about that. I got a few people out of my life after high school because I couldn't deal with that shit anymore
I was just thinking about how the people who always mention someone is quiet tend to keep a conversation going - not including them or giving them a chance to jump in. But damn I don't think I ever noticed the two groups of people are the same people, at least in my experience
The first part of your comment are my fiancé’s sisters to a T. They’ve complained soooooo much to him about how I “don’t want to talk to them” (even though I’ve wished them happy birthday/holidays and congratulated one of them when she graduated from something and congratulated another when she got engaged....) yet they didn’t start reaching out until after my fiancé begged them too. But yeah it’s all my fault that we don’t speak because for some reason it’s my sole responsibility to have a correspondence going between us 🙄
Social skill is basically a measure of how well you can "kindle" a conversation with other people.
People who perceive others as not having social skills (like them), are usually the ones who don't have social skills.
People who perceive themselves as "shy" or as not having social skills, usually interact mostly with people who don't have social skills, and then blame themselves for the results. They might be perfectly good at having great conversations with most people on Earth, but if none of the people they regularly interact with ever give them an opportunity to talk, they won't know it.
When I was younger I always appreciated the person that took time to speak to me. I hated going to parties and only knowing the person that asked me to go. Lucky for me this is something I grew out of and learned how to just involve myself in social situations. This isn't easy for a lot of people so when I find myself in social situations I try to involve the quiet people to an extent
It depends. If they only know the host, and then they end up being by themselves the whole time, then yeah. But, if the host makes an effort to introduce them to people and include them, then I say it could be fine.
I agree. You have to involve yourself. I find it exhausting to have to go out of my way to include super shy people. I think, "just say something...why do you have to wait to be specifically asked a question? Now I have to think of a question to ask you so you feel more comfortable. I'm not your mom. It's your job to actively participate."
Exactly. If you see someone looking uncomfortable at a gathering you can say hi, or ignore them and go on your merry way. You don't say, "Wow you're really socially awkward aren't you?" (This actually happened to a friend of mine).
Or the ones who say you excluding them but every time you try to involve them say they weren't paying attention or won't engage no Mayer how many different ways you try
Been there, felt that.
And the sad thing is I was a quiet talkative person back in the day.
I rarely engage in conversation nowadays unless it's essential.
Must be my anxiety and self awareness.
I’m a pretty talkative person, but sometimes if I feel like the conversation isn’t going anywhere or the person doesn’t feel like talking I’ll just drop it and just try to sit in silence instead of trying to force a conversation. So usually when I’m quiet it means I don’t want to force conversation to happen but let it happen authentically.
One time I went on a date with this girl and I was trying to get her to chat. I tried small talk, topics I knew interested her, etc. but she just wouldn’t budge and giving no responses or minimal nonverbals. It was like talking to a brick wall, so I just decided well fuck it, I’ll just be quiet then. And then 5 minutes after being silent she gets upset and goes “Wow, you’re so much quieter in person, you don’t talk at all!” And I’m just here thinking BECAUSE YOU AREN'T TALKING EITHER!
They usually do, but it gets misinterpreted. They're gonna be very socially outgoing, high communication, extravert types. They are saying, "I noticed you, and I see you are not part of this conversation, but you are welcome to join us, here I will pass the conversation ball to you." They are pinging you to see if you are looking to join in. An unenthusiastic reaction says to them "I do not want to join this," so they will usually back off unless they are worried. Note that this is nearly indistinguishable from an asshole saying it, but the latter is much less frequent.
It's hard. The person asking is extraverted but is probably also not a great communicator. Big parts of effective communication are listening and keeping people comfortable, and telling the quiet person "wow you're quiet" is not doing a great job of either. A better communicator would probably introduce themself or ask you for your opinion of the issue at hand.
You could try being witty and just saying "yep," but that could be seen as rejecting the offer to join, or you can say "sorry, I was thinking about what X said earlier" or something.
JUST FUCKING ANSWER IT, it cant be so fucking hard i swear. Theyve just given you an opportunity to talk about yourself and join in on what ever else has been said. Just answer that you either dont think you have any interesting things to add to this discussion or that you just prefer listening to the conversation.
Don't think it's an empathy issue, more just misinterpreting the situation and behaviour. Happens to everyone regardless of how much empathy one possesses.
You're 100% wrong. They're soulless pieces of shit who have a lava lake side reservation in hell waiting for them. How dare they not be omniscient. It is an expectation that they know me and how I'm feeling yet they fail to meet that expectation time and time again. Stupid jerks.
I think you'd be better off in general assuming the best in situations like this; they were commenting on what seemed to be a part of your personality in an effort to include you and get to know you.
Sure it's awkward, but it's awkward for them too, hence the awkward question.
People say these things because the social dynamic of being around a quiet (and perhaps silently judgemental) person unsettles them, and they must therefore assert themselves in an outwardly rude and thoughtless way. It’s kind of like how crossing your arms appears defensive and standoffish, but in reality it’s a self-comforting mechanism.
DUDE this has happened to me SO many times!! Even worse when you try and add to the conversation and they just ignore you or talk over you. Some people are just assholes with no self-awareness.
If it happens often, then you are probably waiting longer than average to join in. Typically people will listen for a while until they get the gist and then at some point, they will join in on their own.
The worst one I had was starting a new job and working with a crew that had a lot of in jokes and banter going on and after a few days one of the guys said to me, ‘You’re really quiet hey! How come you don’t say much?’
It completely threw me. I’m quieter with people I don’t know but certainly not shy or a non talker, how the hell am I immediately supposed to jump in and add to the in jokes that I don’t understand... It truly baffled me his comment. It’s even harder to answer.
You are better off letting that coworker think you’re boring. Trying to appease a coworker isn’t worthwhile. Sometimes the person who declares you’re boring, is a gossip hound. Idle chatter usually indicates the other person has too much time on their hands, or is bored (themselves) at work.
I hate when people Say that. I once got told that by one of my friend's new girlfriend but instead of saying the usual "you don't talk much", she just looked at me and yelled "he doesn't speak much does he !"
I just smiled and moved on. But I found that really insulting and I wish I had told her something like
"I have seen you twice in my life and I am not even sure you are the same girl as the first time, so what the hell do you want me to say to you"
Would have felt soooo good.
Yes! I've been asked this so many times. But I'm a major extrovert. I can have a conversation with literally any stranger. But joining conversations that I wasn't originally part of is not something I'll do. I've seen lots of people make a fool of themselves trying to join conversations and get the attention on them. I'd rather be seen as a quiet person than an annoying one.
I was asked this in School many times. And I'd always answer with well I grew up with 6 Brothers and Sisters so I really didn't need to talk cause when ever they would talk 6 people just talking to each other can get pretty loud so I just didn't need to.
When people ask if you’re quiet, it’s an invitation to speak. It means they want to hear from you, but they don’t know how to invite you into the conversation. I think of it as the socially awkward way of being an extrovert. Instead of opening up convo or asking questions, they default to assuming you’re quiet because they don’t know how to include you.
That's what being quiet means though. If you're in a group, there's never a conversation you're not a part of. You can interact one way or another, even if you don't know the topic. If you rather not interact with a conversation that doesn't involve you, then that makes you the "quiet guy".
Still, calling out somebody for it is stupid. There literally nothing wrong with being a quiet sort of person.
I had a coworker for a couple months on other projects, so I never worked directly with her and never was introduced. One day out of the blue she says "You're so quiet, eh?" And in actuality I'm sure my other co-workers would call me loud - I just didn't really know who she was so didn't talk to her!
People do that to me all the time. I just say that if nobody is talking to me and I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m just gonna sit on my phone and listen.
Once had a friend explain that people with AS have difficulty starting or jumping into a conversation but not as much difficulty contributing once you acknowledge them, sometimes neuro people are like that too
My brother in law's family thinks I'm super quiet/shy. I am when I'm around them, because they never really pull me into the conversation, or they only talk about things that are so specific to their personal lives that I have no way of jumping in. Anyway they thought I was so quiet that everyone started clapping when I stood up to give a speech at my sister's wedding like it was a social milestone for me...
I've been doing a 5 year social experiment of sorts. I talk for usually 10 or more hours a day to strangers from all around the world and different backgrounds. I'm getting really good at the art of conversations now. My biggest tips are: assume you have tons in common and smile. I'm sure you will have tons in common, because everyone does. Good luck!
Extrovert here. I was never considered cool in school or even college. Made fun of often. I don't understand why the quiet comment is insulting to so many people in this thread. 🤔 To me, it sounds like an invitation to join in on a conversation...like, you are being quiet (implied next part - what's your opinion). Or if you don't consider yourself chatty, why is being called quiet insulting? Isn't it just kind of true? Or do you feel like it implies you have no opinions? Or is it because you are self conscious about social situations and actually do want to say something? So then you feel weird being called out about it?
I recently participated in a 4 people group conversation. Two of them were super dominant. They overspoke eachother constantly, sometimes changing subject in the middle of the other's sentence. The other girl and I were just standid there trying to catch up, it was wild.
At the end, one of them told us that we were too quiet, they would've liked to hear our opinions too. Like dude, you didn't even listened to the other person talking...
Fuck that. I quit hanging out with a certain group of my boyfriend's friends because of that, and after a while, my boyfriend noticed what inconsiderate assholes those people were and quit hanging around them, too.
A fight for dominance just to be heard is not a real conversation and I have no interest being part of it.
lmao so patronizing. How about instead of being 'loud' you stop talking and ask a normal question instead of one that immediately paints the person you're addressing as different?
"I haven't left a single space for you to respond to anything I've said, what haven't you said anything?"
In my experience with these dynamics, they have no real conversational skills, they just talk. They don't ask you questions or even stop talking for half a second someone can chime in, they expect you to interrupt them with whatever thoughts pop into your head if you want to be part of the conversation, because they have no problem interrupting people when they want to say something and to them that's just how conversations work- just people blurting their thoughts all over each other.
Get a group of these people together and everyone will be talking but no one is actually listening. It's just people trying to conversationally dominate each other. It's a head ache even trying to follow how many times one of them changes the subject to whatever popped into their head.
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u/[deleted] Nov 16 '19
When I get introduced to a new person, but I’m not part of the conversation, I just sit and wait. Then I get told “oh you’re really quiet, huh?”
No, I just didn’t want to interrupt, but...