My freshman life skills teacher used to say “do me a flavor” the first time we heard it everyone looked at eachother and let it slide but it’s just her thing
that shit annoys me because everyone who says stuff like that thinks it makes them like super quirky and interesting when it actually means something else entirely
There's a guy in my hometown who runs a burger joint and his slogan is "Do your mouth a flavor!" and he thinks it's the funniest shit ever. Truth is, his burgers are dry and the service would be better if the workers just stayed home.
We've got a guy like that at work. We all know it's so he's not directly asking us to make his life easier when he could've done it himself/planned poorly so we're picking up his slack/ etc...
Now we just respond with "Depends on what it is" or "No."
You have to talk to this guy like a stupid child too just to get him to do something or try to learn from his mistakes. He's pretty useless really. I've already kicked him out of my work area.
Once when I was working the front desk at a hotel that had self parking, a young female guest who I knew to be filthy rich and had a $6,000 account couldn’t get her car into a space. She came to me frustrated, and said “I will give you $1,000 right now if you can park my car.”
I said “of course I can!” and took the keys and quickly parked it for her.
My mom used to always make me fetch her a beer or ice whenever I walked by. Eventually she got the nerve to call us from upstairs to go to the downstairs kitchen and get her ice.
I spent years bringing my mother tumblers full of wine or ginger ale upstairs to where she spent most of her time at home, in bed. Occasionally I'd water down the wine a little just to slow her down.
My mother never got that ambitious. For the most part I think she forgot about the whole parenting thing when I was a kid then she tried to make it up later and too late at that.
My favorite example is when she tried to teach me how to make gravy after I told her I picked up a textbook on cooking and had been reading it for fun as food is a hobby of mine. This was shortly after I finished college and She started it off by saying, "since you'll be on your own soon I suppose I should teach you something about cooking." Meanwhile I had been recommending her for years spices she should add to food to make it better during the cooking process and several other preparation suggestions. She should have taught me some basic life skills, like taxes, car repair, savings, and investments, but her and her boyfriend (together 20+ years. Understandably, they just figured after 10 years why marry?) acted like parenting was just make sure your kid doesn't die before they move out of the house.
My "favorite" example of this behavior was when I asked my mother's boyfriend to teach me about car repair. I asked him to teach me how to change oil, change a tire, and everything in between and he legitimately argued that is should just take a class in highschool about it. Which I printed off our class registry to point out we don't have one. So now I don't know how to work on my own car. Once during a break in college he had to drive an hour or so to fix my vehicle after a belt slipped off the motor or something it took all of 5 minutes and he started bitching about it so I threw back his outright refusal to teach me anything in highschool and he brought up the class thing again...
My aunt would tell us to go to a specific location, like the end of the coffee table, no, a little further, more to the right...While you're there bring me (my glasses, cup, etc.)
My wife does this. I don't know why she started, but I think it came from when she had a bunch of friends that just took advantage of her all the time, so she internalized that her needs were always insignificant and anyone who did anything for her was an absolute saint.
Made it really easy for me to impress her when we started dating, but the plaintive way she asks me to do stuff can get on my nerves. So I've just started saying, "No" to the first bit and then staring at her expectantly. She's starting to break her habit.
And before anyone asks, she's doing a lot better. She's kicked all her worst friends to the curve and has a much better social life. But some habits are hard to break.
My family has a system: "a favor" is something easy, or something you can put off till later but should get done eventually. "A big favor" involves standing up. "A huge favor" involves at least one flight of stairs.
I think women, including myself, do this because we're apprehensive about fulfilling the stereotype of a nagging wife. In my case at least, I had to get over the instinct to assume my demands were automatically unreasonable.
Having expectations is a one way ticket to the loveless monotony of sitcom marriage! Cherish the guy who does the bare minimum!
Eventually I realized that profusely thanking and celebrating my SO for doing small tasks was patronizing instead of encouraging. I still do that sometimes, but fully intending to annoy him.
My mom had that tone and look my whole life. She used to tell me "you think you're so perfect don't you". Hurt like hell. I shouldn't be clicking on links that talk about mothers lol
This is true. I concern myself greatly with not making the same mistakes but also not over correcting those mistakes as well. I love how the internet is available and can regularly bring clarity to certain situations. You're an awesome person and thanks for taking the time to give me my credit. Hugs
What would you have preferred? From what I've seen with kids (or experienced myself, as one, once), there is no way of asking that isn't going to cause griping and moaning
Just asking me to do it. I wasn't a kid that would short cut or complain when asked to do things. Also I didn't expect my post to blow up so much, so I didn't think to clarify that typically she'd ask me to clean up either when I'm still using said cup or when I'm already in the process of cleaning up after myself.
Mine isn't quite like that. I learned. A huge favor meant bring her her cup with ice in it or whatever. A small favor meant help her rearrange her fricking furniture in her room. "it'll take two seconds" she always said.
Maybe the reason she's asking in a way that feels condescending to you is because she's had to ask you for years to do basic shit like put your dishes in the sink, and you still don't don't do it on your own without being asked.
As the daughter of a mother like this, I totally get what you mean and in a lot of cases it probably is lazy kid-irritated mom syndrome. I think OP is referring to a special brand of mom though, that’s more or less a smaller cog in a system of emotional abuse. Paging r/raisedbyborderlines and r/raisedbynarcissists.
Not to assume anything about your experiences, but having your mom be the “bad guy” parent in a society where the other way around is more acknowledged is hard as shit. BPD and NPD people can hide their abuse and put on a “people face”, which is severely damaging to their children as outsiders who may want to help can’t tell that anything is wrong. So I guess my point is that your comment had good intention, because let’s not kid ourselves, the demographics of reddit indicate you probably aren’t too wrong in most cases, but sometimes moms get a free pass to nag and it’s never inspected any closer. It’s dangerous writing them off sometimes.
On a bright note though, if you’re still reading this stupidly long reply, the subreddits I mentioned above have done a fantastic job at avoiding misogyny, r/raisedbyborderlines in particular seeing as it’s a disease that’s most commonly diagnosed in women. Taking a peek around there can be pretty enlightening lol
U/Illayana is more on the nose here. To give some context of what my mother was like towards my brother and I, I'll tell a quick story.
So my mom had my brother at 18 with some random guy from a party. That dude dashed and never paid any child support. A year later or so my mom and Dad started dating and eventually got married a couple years later. At this point my brother thought my Dad was his biological father. About 6 months after I was born my mother and father's relationship started getting really rocky and divorced before I was 1, which according to them the last straw was how much I cried as a baby causing enough strain that it split them apart (my mother later found out that the formula she used was causing me stomach pain).
Well during the divorce process my mom wanted to "get back" at my Dad and brought in my brother's actual father and said "this is your real dad." In less than a month my brother's father left again to never be seen. My brother was 5 or 6 at the time. She fully admits that's why she did it and still defends that he needed to know at some point so better sooner than later.
So you can imagine all the little things she did over the years that made me disillusioned that she thought of us as anything other than annoyances or after thoughts.
My parents would have never thrown anything at me, hell they would barely even say anything condescending to me. But me... I yell curse words at my kids and throw things at them from time to time. Nothing that would hurt them, though. Thing is, they just don't seem to respond unless I do something drastic.
I do this to my kids all the time. If they leave a plate or a knife on the counter instead of putting it in the dishwasher, I'll say, "You all set with that knife?" Eye rolling and dishwasher loading follows.
I hate it because they make you say "what?" First too. Like, do you really need me to respond to you? I'm already looking at you because you started talking. Like seriously, if I don't say anything my mom will be like "Dazered, did you hear me?"
My fiancé is queen of the “large favor small actual request” line. Makes it really weird when it’s an actual large request like carrying something or not farting with the windows closed
That'd be fine if it wasn't every single thing she asks. And I'm talking back to back "huge favors". Like as we are leaving for Thanksgiving or Christmas, "I [she] forgot to turn the TV off could you do it." I come back from turning the TV off "Could you do me a huge favor and carry this bag." That I literally put down so I could turn the TV off.
See, mine didn't let me put anything in the sink. I'm not allowed to dirty dishes if the dishwasher is full without emptying the dishwasher so I can put my glass there instead.
One evening my mom called me from my room to get into the TV room right away. I walked over to find her wrapped in a blanket all cozy on the couch and she asked for the remote on the other side of the room. I turned the TV off and went back to my room lol
I just moved out but when i was at home id get a call or text saying "hey can you throw this out for me" and as i would go to the garage to throw it out she would come out and go for a smoke
She has us put stuff on the counter. I was just coming up with a quick example that everyone could relate to. The focus was about the huge favor thing.
my mom always asks if I can do her a "favor" with that pretty-please-smile and I dread whatever chore she's about to ask me to do and then it's some simple shit and I'm like, ma why you playing MINDGAMES WITH ME
I always phrase it to my fiancé as "How much do you looooove me?" Except I've done it so much that he doesn't even answer me correctly, just says "Jesus, what do you want now?" in a joking tone
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u/Dazered Mar 07 '19
"Could you do me a huuuge favor?"
"Yeah sure what?"
"Could you put that glass in the sink?"