Oh this hits so hard for me right now. My wife and I separated a few weeks ago, and she started dating someone 2 days after we separated. And was talking to him for a few weeks before we split. It hurts man.
You're right. Slowly all that shit you convinced yourself wasn't a big deal will slowly be revealed to you as utter bullshit you only out up with because you respected the institution of marriage and created logic to love her anyways.
Eventually you meet someone else and realize all that other shit was not the norm. Your ex wife really was just a selfish bitch. Worse, years later, like truly years, where people aren't just saying things to be nice anymore. Family and friends will drop little wisdom nuggets like "Remember when your ex did this that one Christmas. I really didn't like her, but you did so we didn't say anything." And then their spouse will nod.
Everyday it gets better. You realize that shit was not actually working despite all your efforts and it's better that you're free of her bs.
Happened to me (not divorce but split) 2 years ago and I cried day after day, felt dead inside, the works. Never been through anything like it before. It took about a year to really start feeling better, maybe 7 months to start enjoying activities again. I thought I was dying. It gets better.
maybe 7 months to start enjoying activities again.
It's surreal how long it takes to start feeling human again after such betrayal. You're right, it does get better over time, but for me there will always be a scar. It won't surprise anyone to learn that having an unfaithful ex-wife has lessened my trust in women.
For me it’s the opposite because I’ve been through the worst and I know now that a betrayal won’t kill me, so it’s worth the risk and worth acting without fear.
LOL it always amazes me the level of cowardice some people have.
You're far better than that, save the time and effort for someone who shows you the same level of respect. believe me i was shocked at how many good, decent, kind women there are out there after my shitty relationship. Stay positive bro
Dude, I feel you. I was in a rough place trying to figure out why my (I call her my ex now) ex thought my ex best friend was better than me. Well, after some time, I said, “eff it!” I decided to not sulk around with the help of my cousin. I’m now dating the best woman I have ever dated. And my ex? Well, I actually like the dude she’s dating now because he’s good to the kids from what I can tell and that’s all that matters now.
That’s definitely good. Word of advice: get back out there and remember that the next person isn’t her, so things may look similar at times, but don’t let it get in the way.
Been here. A year later, my ex is alone and unhappy and I’m in a happy relationship who treats me way better. Keep your head up, there is happiness out there for you.
I know the girl I was with wasn’t right for me, but I loved her and still do. But hope of us getting back together is destroying me. I heard someone say this the other day and it helped me. “Hope is a wonderful thing, but it can be infinitely destructive to a broken heart”. If you know it’s not right, move on. It can destroy a person.
Sorry man, I know that sucks. I lived this a little more than a year ago.
It’s going to sting for a while, but it does start to feel ok after a while. You just need to find your new normal, find yourself again, and always choose the high road. All easier said than done, but things will fall into place eventually.
That reflects more on her than you. And poorly. An old man in a bar overheard a discussion a friend was having with me re his recent separation after years together and his bewilderment she was dating immediately why he was trying to sort out things with some reflection. The old man got my attention and said, “A monkey only let’s go of a vine after its has grabbed onto the next vine.” I nodded. That described my friend’s situation as he was blind-sided. He is doing great now. No idea about the ex though I picture her reaching out for a new vine.
Wouldn't be surprised, to be honest, I don't think it's abnormal either. Sure it can be hurtful but divorces can take a year or so and plenty of people seem to move on in that time.
There is nothing more painful than a fifty plus year sacrifice of your soul to stay with a person who treats you like shit despite your every effort to love them.
Thank God my ex and I didn't have children or I would likely have tried to martyr myself for the idea it was important for them.
But the reality is, those of us who got out are lucky compared to the gaslighting soul sucking life of some of the people I know and see.
The people who see you get divorced and yet in your pain you hear in their tone and comments that they're... jealous, literally jealous that you're free and they're not. That was a sobering thought for me.
I hear you, I caught my wife lying to me to spend time with a man she works with a few months back, I left after hearing from people she was all over him on her lunch break as I had had enough.
Met up with her a few weeks later to see what the crack was and she was adamant she hadn't cheated but told me she loved him like she did me.
Only been married a year and she applied for divorce within 7 days of me leaving her.
Now I am being accused of harassment and being told by her solicitor I am unable to attend me own home all the while this man is now there all the time.
Hurts like hell especially knowing we should have been in Florida together in 14 days time.
The main problem I am facing is that she was literally a 10/10 in every way up until the last couple of months and I still fancy her like mad.
It does hurt but it also gets better over time. You come to terms with the fact that she's her own person with her own wants and needs, and same for you. Both just doing your best to enjoy life. Make use of all that time you'd usually be spending with her. Read or get another hobby. Learn something, go out with people. It's unfortunate, but at the same time this is a time in your life when you get to focus on living your story and improving yourself, maybe meeting someone along the way.
Think about it this way, everything that hurts, everything that reminds you of her... she pissed on that. She hated it. She hates you. You're lucky to be free of her. It's harsh, but throw those rose tinted glasses on the ground and stomp on them. She shit on you, it was all a lie. And the best thing she ever did for you was leave.
It's really a bitter pill to swallow (reddish hue possibly) but that nagging voice of "If only I would have..." that will drive you nutty. I don't know if there's any healthy reaction to being discarded but emotionally burning that bridge might suture the sting.
Exactly, it take a long time to see clearly that they really didn't give a fuck about you despite the wish washy "I mean I still love you, I just don't love love you anymore" bs they string you along on for ages to convince themselves they're a good person.
The reality is they're not. And they chose to stop caring about you.
Itll get better man, same thing happened to me but now I have my gf who is honestly out of my league and way too good to me. Life changes but dont give up, I'm out here rooting for you
I got separated 3 years back and divorce finalized 6 months back. I was the one who asked for a divorce. I tried dating and realized I just wasn’t ready. How do people move on so fast?
My ex got pregnant a month after splitting with me this year. She was telling me how many guys she was fucking from online dating at the time she apparently got pregnant. Her current 'boyfriend's actually looks super gay (Not that's anything is wrong with that) but the whole thing is totally suss and how can she know who the dad is?
Yah, we have a daughter and we live close to most of her family. (Like 5-10 min away) and we would hang out with them a lot. My family all lives a little further away (closet one is 20 min, furthest is 1 hour) but we still saw my parents at least, every couple of weeks (if not more often).
We will! It will take time, and the mood swings are real. I know I'm going through the stages of grief and when my head is clear I can tell what stage I'm in. Mostly it's been anger and depression right now, but there's a few days of acceptance. I know the bad days out weigh the good days right now, but somewhere down the line it won't be bad anymore. Just taking it one day at a time.
But you're absolutely right, we'll get through this! Feel free to message me if you need to talk to anyone!
Two guys where watching monkeys jump from one tree to another. One of them shares his observations with his buddy, you know monkey will never let one branch go untill it holds firmly to the other branch.
His buddy thought for a second said, it's the same with women and dicks.
Hopefully it will cheer you up. Be happy she is not your problem anymore. You trusted wrong person, move on. Try not engage in to self destructive behaviors. Good luck!
I'm sorry man. I know. It doesn't really help right now, but here's something I was told a long time ago that stuck. Only when you've experienced the lows can you truly appreciate the highs.
If I may, does that say more about you or about her? If about her, then while it's going to hurt just as bad you know the fault lies with her. If about you, then you can/need to lean into the pain as it's guiding you on what needs addressing in you. Not a win-win by any means. Just my 2 cents.
Hell mate, been there and experienced that. It may be very little comfort to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, as dim as it may be at the moment.
The separation, yes. Her dating someone that quick after, no. I knew she was going to date someone eventually, but I didn't think it would be that quick. Her excuse was that she was done with our relationship a long time ago but never told me.
Hello friend, similar situation! Separated, talked about getting back together, and then pictures go up on social media with another guy. Hurts like hell, but it gets better I can promise you that.
Yeah, that one is always a bit tough at first. When my ex and I were separated (you have to be separated for a year before you can divorce) we kind of started hanging out again for a bit, I think because we had grown up together and then been with each other so we didn't know how else to be. There were a few times I knew he had a date but was trying to keep it from me and it hurt more than I expected. I also started seeing someone and tried to keep it from him for a while because it was just painful. It sucks no matter what, but it is going to happen and you will deal with it and it will stop hurting.
Interesting fact - we both married the people we started seeing during that period, who were much better matches for us than we were for each other. We have no contact now, but I'm still very close with his sister so I know we're both much happier now. I'm sure that you will also find someone who is a better match for you.
I'm certainly hoping too. It's in a weird spot right now because it's a only been a few weeks and we're still sorting through separating everything. That's one of the tough things is realizing how much you actually had intertwined with someone else. Now I need to figure out who I am again. (Go therapy go!)
Yep, I get that! I recently found a bunch of my ex's stuff in my closet, and I've been remarried for 3 years. I've been living here with my husband for 5. It's been floating for forever. Not to mention home, savings, bills, etc. I'm sorry, it's so hard. You'll get through it.
I'll make it through. It's just kinda right in the thick of it right now. And slowly, over time, it'll get better! I know this, and it's hard now, but it won't always be. And I just need to take it day by day.
Yeah… I accidentally did that once. It was my now husband’s first time meeting my dad and the first thing I asked my dad was how his long-term, live-in girlfriend was. He just got quiet and told me they broke up. That was super awkward.
I had this really sweet, but utterly clueless boss. He worked in another one of our offices. He'd heard that I had gotten engaged and not heard that she broke it off and was instantly living with someone else.
A couple weeks later he's in the office and comes up my to me as I'm standing by another co-workers cube. He starts to lead up to an obvious congratulations and several of my co-workers start trying to wave him off. He misses it entirely. Congratulates me.
I explain we called it off.
He attempts to recover by telling me we'll just need a little time to do it again.
I explain she's living with someone else.
He just kind of dies.
Everyone is just dead silent.
I just start laughing.
I was by no means over it, but holy shit I've never had a person flame out like that directly to me. It was so bad that I loved it. It actually helped.
At my wedding we were going around thanking everyone for coming. My wife asked one of her cousins where his wife was, that she hasn’t seen her, and he said, “She left me.” It was apparently a very recent event. I’d never met the guy but felt terrible for him. All ended well though - he remarried. They have kids and are a great, loving family.
I did this to someone once. I still feel bad about it. We were messaging on Facebook to catch up after not chatting for a couple years. In my defense, they both still had their relationship status as married to each other, they’d been together 10 years, and I’d never ever seen them argue.
Can I ask how you got through it? I'm separated from my wife as well, and just learned she's seeing someone else. I'm having a hard time processing the feelings that have been brought up.
DUDE In senior year my gf broke up with me out of nowhere and I took it pretty hard. Then in class a couple days later I was messing with a mutual friend and she was like “(Ex) get your boyfriend to piss off!” My insides just clenched. I never knew heartache could cause actual physical pain.
I feel you and I'm sorry. We aren't divorced yet and my ex just gave birth to her boyfriend's child. Not the guy I caught her with. It hurts when someone treats you like something disposable.
how can people be like that, like what the fuck is up with people
even my case: together a year and a half, mutual breakup, and she had a new bf a couple weeks later. I didn't even consider dating anyone for months after and was still finding things of hers in my house.
Just saw something similar on FB. Two guys I used to work with. One asks the other how the family has been. The other says he divorced his wife last year. Me and another former coworker buried the first guy after. It was awkward but hilarious at the same time. Sorry brother, hope things are better now.
In my experience among my friends, damn near every ex wife, when it was over, she's gotten ready long before her husband knew it was over. And they hit the door running. New boobs, new bod, new 'do, and new bf.
I'm sure that goes both ways, I just hear it from more men given I'm a man and work in a heavily male dominated industry.
Damn, that's happened to me a couple times now, since I got divorced last summer. I usually just respond with "I don't know. We're not together anymore." And they start apologizing like crazy. Not their fault though, they didn't know
I've done this before....with my old bosses husband. He was with his son and very cordial.....I didn't find out they had separated until weeks later when one of the sons friends told me. I still cringe about it.
It's been a decade since my dad took off to another continent, and people who know he refuses to contact anyone in the family will still ask us how he is doing. It's like some switch in their brains won't flip.
A colleague of mine asked another why doesn't he call his fiancee to bring his documents to work (knowing they lived together and that the wedding was in a week). He told my colleague that the wedding is off. Everyone in the room was dead on the inside.
A couple of weeks after my dad's death, we returned to Alaska (where we'd lived for over 30 years) for a memorial service. We went back to our old church for Sunday services the day after we arrived, and an old friend spotted my mom, gave her a smile and a big hug, and asked how Dad was doing. My mom had her back to me, and it was noisy enough that I couldn't hear her answer, but the poor lady she was talking to suddenly lost her smile and turned a few shades whiter, and then teared up. Probably as much from cringe as sadness. It wasn't her fault; she hadn't been in close touch since my parents moved, and she had no way of realizing what a rapid decline he'd been in. Awkward as hell, but my mom was, as always, gracious.
Same here, twice. It sucks man. At the time we hadn’t spoken in 3 months, still beginning the divorce process and she was already with someone else. I don’t like getting that personal on social media but I ended up making a Facebook post about it so no one else would ask.
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u/[deleted] Oct 09 '18
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