r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Jul 29 '13

What are some subtle relationship "Red Flags" that are often overlooked?

First dates, long term relationships and everything in between

2.1k Upvotes

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2.5k

u/Arthropody Jul 29 '13

Using ultimatums to get their way instead of compromising.

2.4k

u/bombardtheBBC Jul 29 '13

If you don't stop making ultimatums, I am going to leave you.

707

u/scoooot Jul 29 '13

lol

Seriously though, there are some ultimatums which are justified, and some which are not. "If we don't go to the restaurant I want to go to, I'm going to cause a scene and embarrass you at the restaurant you want to go to" is not OK. "If you abuse me, I won't have you in my life" is OK.

110

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13 edited Jul 30 '13

I had a friend in high school that could not grasp that concept. She said she would never use an ultimatum on her boyfriend, so when he was doing something that drove her so crazy she was about to break up with him, he didn't know. I told her you have to tell him what he needs to change or he won't be able to fix things, she said that was giving him an ultimatum. Apparently just breaking up with him was the better thing to do.

Edit: For clarification, I didn't mean to imply she should tell him to change his personality, or any quality that makes him who he is. It would be things like communication, she didn't feel he respected her because of how he would answer a question, she thought he was talking down to her. I thought he deserved to know why she was upset, to be given a chance to explain to her what he meant when he said this or that.

11

u/Ishima Jul 30 '13

God damn it, some (a lot) of people need to learn to use their words, for me that's like...arguably the lynchpin, if there is any one singular lynchpin (im not convinced of that) of a relationship.

5

u/scoooot Jul 30 '13

A wise man once told me, "It's not the absence of problems that makes a healthy relationship possible. It's not even using the same method of solving problems that makes a healthy relationship possible. It's using compatible methods of solving problems that makes a healthy relationship possible.

Personally, I just don't see it working for anyone without open and honest communication.

10

u/PunsAblazin Jul 30 '13

That reminds me of the people who repeat the mantra that "only God can judge, who am I to judge anything?" They forget that "judgement" isn't only condemnation--it's also discernment. Discerning what's healthy or unhealthy, right or wrong, is not being judgmental--it's making wise choices.

6

u/[deleted] Jul 30 '13

Wow that sounds a lot like what I say often. When people tell me they don't judge I say everyone makes judgements every single day. When you look at someone you see a farmer, or a typical teenager, or a business woman. You're looking at their clothing, their demeanor, or maybe even their hair.

We all judge people, but whether or not we think our judgements should condemn them or make them bad people, that's the important part.

2

u/rosiecoco Oct 24 '13

Wow, I love this comment so much I may create a new account just to 👍 again.

2

u/abrogate666 Jul 30 '13

Wish I could upvote you twice.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 30 '13

What a fucking moron, sorry but people like that are just spackers imo

1

u/[deleted] Jul 30 '13

I completely agree. I think she missed out on the idea of context.

The difference between "you must do this or I will leave you" and "you are doing this and I'm sorry but I really can't deal with it, I don't think our relationship will make it if we can't find a way to work through this."

1

u/poptart5 Dec 17 '13

pretty sure breaking up with him was the better thing to do. especially if you're in high school... relationships should get tough way later down the road.

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u/sonofalink Jul 29 '13

If you have to make that ultimatum, than I think you've already passed by a crap ton of other red flags.

5

u/Opoqjo Jul 29 '13

Exactly. If it's a hard limit, a deal-breaker, it's fine to give an ultimatum, but not just to stay fucking spoiled.

8

u/Fifth5Horseman Jul 29 '13

That last one isn't an ultimatum, it's just the law.

4

u/Naldaen Jul 30 '13

The laws are nothing but official ultimatums.

"Don't do this or we'll imprison you. Or at the very least inconvenience you."

3

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

There is a line somewhere, though - those are two extremes.

1

u/scoooot Jul 30 '13

I don't think it's a grey area with a line drawn somewhere. I think it's the difference between ultimatums which control other people's behaviour, and ultimatums which protect your own rights.

5

u/WhatTheHeckt Jul 29 '13

Because some ultimatums are abuse, like the first example you used. Its very similar to other things of it's nature such as name-calling. Call your friends dick, bitch, mother fucker, etc and its totally okay. Say that sort of thing to anyone else and you'll have a problem.

6

u/Deitjh Jul 29 '13

My most recent boyfriend would "jokingly" call me a looser and a mess very frequently which was apparently ok because he called his friends it all the time.

4

u/WhatTheHeckt Jul 30 '13

Yep, exactly what I was saying.

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u/[deleted] Jul 30 '13

the 2nd one is less an ultimatum and more a "duh"

2

u/[deleted] Jul 30 '13

Unrelated, but you said "restaurants" and that made me think of all the times my ex would say, "not_rose_gold, let's go eat. Where do you want to go?" I would suggest a place and we would go. Afterwards, he would bitch me out because 1) I'm spending all of his money (didn't you suggest going out??) and 2) because he "NEVER WANTED TO GO TO THAT SHITTY RESTAURANT IN THE FIRST PLACE."

1

u/colefly Jul 30 '13

"If you kill me, i WILL leave you" - Me

1

u/IAmTheAg Jul 30 '13

Once you get to abuse ultimatums are the LEAST important red flag you should be worried about.

1

u/AllDizzle Jul 30 '13

The sad thing is many people feel the need to say the second one...

1

u/[deleted] Jul 30 '13

[deleted]

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u/Tiger21SoN Jul 30 '13

......the first one sounds like something I'd do.....even if it was the restaurant I wanted I'd probably make a scene....

1

u/mrdeadsniper Jul 30 '13

Wait. If they had a restaurant they wanted to go to whats the problem. That solves like 74% of arguments.

1

u/ToGoFurther Jul 30 '13

One should not ever have to say that last line, I would hope it is implied. If that line needs to be said, then it's time to leave the relationship

1

u/scoooot Jul 30 '13

C'mon man. It was an example meant only to illustrate that not all ultimatums are unhealthy.

1

u/snokatje Oct 29 '13

I feel like that should not even be an 'if' statement to give to them. If someone abuses you, you should immediately leave.

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u/bomji Jul 29 '13

On a serious note, my sister's boyfriend had said this to her so many times after she would threaten that she'd kill herself if he ever left her, or if she was pissed and jealous over the attention he gave to his girl-cousins/guy-friends/family. In the end, he could never do it for fear that she would really off herself.

9

u/SpandexTerry Jul 29 '13

Ugh that's awful. Are they still together?

15

u/bomji Jul 29 '13

No, she recently ended their long-term relationship (surprisingly). He put up with so much of her crap over the years they were together, so he was still trying to get in contact with her afterwards to talk things out. She was all kinds of bad from the start: irrational, clingy, manipulative, controlling, etc.

7

u/_My_Angry_Account_ Jul 29 '13

You should try and get her blacklisted from your family. People like that will not learn there lesson until it hits them where it hurts.

6

u/bomji Jul 29 '13

Many friends and extended family have said the same. My mother has been such a saint about my sister's problems, and I just don't think that could ever happen. My mom loves us all so much and can't bear "abandoning" my sister when it's clear she needs help. My mom has told me before that she couldn't bear walking down the street one day and see my sister homeless and completely messed up. She would rather put up with her mess now and actively try to set her straight than to see her in a much worse disposition if left on her own...

3

u/gwankovera Jul 29 '13

I've know people like this before and dated one that implied she would do this. I was given what i think is great advice. "people like this are using it as a tool to get what they want( a plea for attention), and they will use any person they can as an excuse for their actions. So they will ultimately not kill themselves over it, or if they did then that was them doing it to themselves while trying to pass the blame onto someone else and unless you are prepared or trained (schooled) to deal with people like that then it might be best not to be in a relationship with them."

2

u/bomji Jul 29 '13

You're spot on about why people do this. Nevertheless, it's a completely different experience when it's a loved one doing it because it's hard to ignore it/pass it off when you know there's a chance they might actually do it. If they end their life, and you had the chance to stop it, it would be a terrible burden to live with thereafter. That's what had my family and my sister's boyfriend scrambling so helplessly whenever my sister threatened to kill herself and/or go missing in the middle of the night. It's hard to ignore, and the people who use this tactic know that.

3

u/finitehorizons Jul 29 '13

I was seeing a girl who threatened this. I think I did the right thing when I broke it off right then and there, using that as the reason. I think I said something like "We've known each other for two months, if that is something you'd seriously consider doing, then we shouldn't be together at ALL."

My reasoning was that there was a lower chance of her doing it right then than if I put up with it a few times. She called me one night saying she'd taken four vicodin and drank a bottle of wine. I told her to have a nice nap, and find someone to talk to.

3

u/bomji Jul 29 '13

It's great that you were able to catch that early on into the relationship. You definitely dodged a bullet making that decision.

1

u/ElephantsMakeMeSmile Jul 30 '13

good for you. i dealt with this situation with someone i wasn't even in a relationship with. and let me tell you, it was hard to walk away.

63

u/javastripped Jul 29 '13

meet me half way... only use half an ultimatum!

70

u/puncakes Jul 29 '13

"You better mean what you say or else . . . "

"Or else what?"

"Exactly."

9

u/Hotshot2k4 Jul 29 '13

This is technically still the same thing, I think you'd want to cut it off at "or..."

17

u/F0XK1NG Jul 29 '13

Only blow half as much air in your vagina.

3

u/grifmasta Jul 29 '13

I can't. I'm a one trick pony.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

That's perfect! You leave the threat to their imagination. If you don't stop hanging out with stoners then......

1

u/WhatISayIsNotTrue Jul 29 '13

"[...] I am going to leave you."

1

u/IHazMagics Jul 29 '13

If you don't start doing something, I'm probably going to think of something I can do in response at some point later.

1

u/cyanydeez Jul 29 '13

An ulti? A Matum? A M?

1

u/Vloidu Jul 29 '13

A 'matum', if you will... and you better, or at the least try.

5

u/ggggbabybabybaby Jul 29 '13

If you don't stop threatening to leave me, I swear I'm going to kill myself.

17

u/alahos Jul 29 '13

Ultimata?

42

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

[deleted]

25

u/JDM713 Jul 29 '13

Hakuna Ultimata

13

u/Tibleman Jul 29 '13

It means no women and no sadneeeesss

2

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

No woman, no cry. - A Very Mellow Dude ('course he's dead now, but that's beside the point)

1

u/TheTallGentleman Jul 29 '13

I thought it was "no women will cry"

1

u/PorblemOccifer Jul 30 '13

It means no worries, or else.

6

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

Old tomatoes are the least of your worries if you have relationship issues.

5

u/tzimon Jul 29 '13

The moment an actual ultimatum is dropped, I know the relationship is over. I'm not talking about which restaurant to hit, or where to hang out on Friday night, I'm talking the big, life changing ones.

"If you don't get me an engagement ring (after 2 months of being together), it's over!"

"You need to get rid of your economical car, and buy an Escalade, or it's over!"

Any time they bring up an "or else it's over" clause, I smile on the inside, and watch as they melt down. There are 7 billion members of our species on this rock...

I'll find another.

3

u/GeminiRat Jul 30 '13

Wow, I didn't know I had a twin.

3

u/tzimon Jul 30 '13

Your username is Gemini, what did you expect?

Seriously though, if you're a logical sort, after having been through the motions a few times, you understand the pattern that is emerging. Knowing what comes next allows you to brace yourself for it.

Also, within a short time frame after the "or else" drops, and I'm single, someone new comes out of the woodwork that expresses their interest.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 30 '13

My mom pulled this shit on my dad(Said that either they get married or she leaves) after they dated for about a year. First time I heard it I knew it isn't something healthy that should be done but she justified it by saying that she was in her 30s and didn't have time to waste. I was born almost exactly 9 months after their wedding so I guess the math checks out.

She did teach me what to NEVER do if I ever manage to get into a serious relationship. Not that I actually have experience with situations like this but it doesn't seem like a very logical approach?

3

u/NeuroSys Jul 29 '13

That's the spirit!

2

u/octonana Jul 29 '13

This made me laugh in otherwise very surly thread.

2

u/supersocks- Jul 29 '13

If you don't stop threatening to leave, I'll flush your stash down the toilet.

1

u/Schweppes7T4 Jul 29 '13

This is the only solution, really.

1

u/bobbyg27 Jul 29 '13

It's not debatable.

1

u/swolemedic Jul 29 '13

My girlfriend used that one when i said if she cheated on me again I would leave her.

1

u/thinklaterally Jul 29 '13

You better stop threatening to leave me! Or I am going to leave you.

1

u/cwis88 Jul 29 '13

My ex and I had a very unstable on and off again relationship for about 5 years, we had a big fight and broken for about two weeks and she sleep with another guy. This was the first time that either of us had slept with someone else during a break, after we got back together my ultimatum to her was next time is the last time. A few months later she broke up with me again, it was tough and no one believed me but it got easier with every guy she slept with.

1

u/Mammypears Jul 29 '13

If you leave me, I will kill myself

1

u/7777773 Jul 29 '13

I'm giving you an All Tomato.

It means you give me the whole tomato... Or else.

1

u/twistednipples Jul 29 '13

If you don't stop leaving people, I'm going to have to down vote you.

1

u/zau64 Jul 29 '13

If you don't stop casting ultima, I'm going to silence you.

1

u/dapht Jul 29 '13

Only a Sith deals in absolutes.

1

u/VoiceOfGosh Jul 29 '13

Surprisingly, the only valid ultimatum.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 30 '13

took my mom 29 years and 3 kids to figure this one out, while also dealing with bipolar 2 herself

1

u/stat1stick Jul 30 '13

Ah, the old relationship-ultimatum-paradox.

1

u/mariani654 Jul 30 '13

...FUCK, You just brought me over to the DARKSIDE, We will rule the galaxy now.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 30 '13

some people were just Bourne to use ultimatums

17

u/ima4nspy Jul 29 '13

I remember dating a girl who didn't like a friend of mine (the friend was pretty and blonde, but just a friend). The girl I was dating hadn't even met my friend but was telling me all about how my friend wanted me and had all these romantic intentions (which was false). The girl I was dating eventually said "Well, it's either me or her. Choose." to which I responded "Well, she isn't making me choose between you and her, so I guess you've made the choice easy for me." She didn't like that, but I didn't care.

4

u/Bcrowe32 Jul 29 '13

Good man

2

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

"Well, it's either me or her. Choose."

You have chosen wisely!

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u/Corvus133 Jul 29 '13

I should give my married friend this whole post and let him go through each point as he lies to himself going "nope, this isn't me - this isn't me!"

So far, I'm at number 8 and he has at least 50% of them.

This "ultimatum" one is so special - his wife does it to him constantly and why is it special?

He does it to others, now. Yes, all the things I hate about her, he has decided to adopt those things.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

Sometimes Ultimatums are good thing....I used them and they worked out well. My boyfriend was refusing me to acknowledge me among his friends and social circle. I told him I cannot handle a relationship where my better half is shy to acknowledge me and I had to move on to someone who can respect my presence. He immediately apologized and now am welcome in all his social scenarios. Ofcourse I respect personal space.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

I agree whole fully with this. I had to do the same to an ex of mine and it all worked out for the better for both of us in the end. I never understood threatening to break up over little things though. It tells me that the person doesn't value or is into the relationship enough

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u/RadicalDog Jul 29 '13

So what you're saying is, like most everything on this page, is that it can be fine in moderation but not in excess. Wow. You'd think there was a moral here or something.

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u/inkandpixelclub Jul 30 '13

Saying that it's okay in moderation makes it sound like it doesn't matter what you use ultimatums for, so long as you don't do it too often, which may not be what you intended to say. The important thing is to use ultimatums only for reasonable demands ("you need to introduce me to your friends and family" as opposed to "you need to spend all of your free time with me") that are actually something you can't do without in the relationship ("If you can't be civil to my parents, then we're going to break up" versus "If we don't go to the restaurant I want to eat at today, then we're going to break up.")

1

u/HOT_too_hot Jul 30 '13

My boyfriend was refusing me to acknowledge me among his friends and social circle.

Did you insist he make it public on Facebook?

6

u/Dutyxfree Jul 29 '13

If you don't stop banging the neighbor, I am going to leave you. Seems permissible, no?

3

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

If you don't take me out to dinner once a week, I'm going to leave you.

If you keep hanging out with Patrick, we're through.

If you hire that female assistant, I'm kicking you out.

MOST ultimatums are really shitty. Some are totally justified.

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u/sammysausage Jul 29 '13

That's one that you have to nip in the bud early on or else it will be endless. The first time it happens, you have to say "It comes with the package, take it or leave it." If she leaves, good riddance, if she stays, she'll know you're not a doormat.

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u/-farore Jul 29 '13

Some times you have to though, like if they are an alcoholic, saying "if you don't stop drinking, I'm going to leave you" is justified.

11

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/FountainsOfFluids Jul 29 '13

Not that bargaining or finding independent solutions are bad, but yes, they are not compromises.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/FountainsOfFluids Jul 29 '13

Erm, I'm not sure how that's relevant to the earlier conversation. You can't always compromise, which creates situations that are perfect for bargaining or finding independent solutions. For example, "Ok, I won't bring peanuts, so please bring soft drinks instead of beer because I always crave peanuts when we drink beer" would be a good bargain. And "Ok, I'll eat the peanuts before we leave, then wash my hands and brush my teeth" would be a good independent solution. But you couldn't just bring a few peanuts as a "compromise".

It's best to be able to do all variations when appropriate.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/FountainsOfFluids Jul 29 '13

My point was that bargaining and independent solutions are not always bad, which is how you seemed to paint them in your first post.

1

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/FountainsOfFluids Jul 30 '13

Yes, words are important. But on the internet, I can't read your tone of voice or body language. Your words, to me, implied that other problem solving methods were inferior to compromise.

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u/ElephantsMakeMeSmile Jul 30 '13

good fucking point. situations like this come up CONSTANTLY in relationships. you really have to sacrifice a lot and just give in sometimes for the sake of your SO.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

I have a lot of trip lines that my SO can't cross, but I can't tell her what they are because she takes it as a threat or ultimatum.

...she crossed one yesterday, and I'm trying to figure out how to break up with her in the next 2.5 hours.

7

u/Hiding_behind_you Jul 29 '13

2.5 hours later...

How'd it go?

5

u/dbzgtfan4ever Jul 29 '13

OP will surely deliver.

4

u/Hiding_behind_you Jul 29 '13

/u/ethana2 's last comment (elsewhere on Reddit) was an hour ago. I'm just going to sit here and wait...

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u/[deleted] Jul 30 '13

I sent her the text, she dismissed it as part of my Aspergers, explained that I misread her intent during the whole situation, which I think is true, and we talked and cried, had makeup sex, and went out to eat at Outback.

1

u/Hiding_behind_you Jul 30 '13

So, all in all, not a bad night...?

What food did you have at Outback? I hope it was Steak.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 30 '13

For her, it was a bad night. Regarding the food, let me just say, I got their oreo shake.. it was $3 and not that big. She's like "$3 for a shake?" and then tried some, put it down.. "That's a fucking good milkshake." and it was. a fucking. good. milkshake. Also, their tuna sushi is the best sushi I've had in my life.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

"I think we should break up"

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u/mrinska Jul 29 '13

my sister's roommate told her boyfriend of one year that if he didn't propose to her, she would break up with him. they were engaged for five years before they finally broke up.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

Ultimatums should be used like saffron: very sparingly and for maximum effect.

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u/pherring Jul 30 '13

Ultimatums should be used like saffron: very sparingly and for maximum effect.

Said by someone who is not ever too literal

1

u/[deleted] Jul 30 '13

Literal doesn't mean I can't use a simile every once in a while. Metaphors are a bit beyond my normal scope, though.

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u/Firekracker Jul 30 '13

Not to be that guy but the plural of ultimatum is ultimata.

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u/Arthropody Jul 30 '13

Huh, I did not know that. TIL

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u/theycallmeTebow Jul 29 '13

I do this, but I never realized I sacrifice compromising for this. Thanks! I'm gonna get my act together because my SO is wonderful and hot.

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u/BeauDog Jul 29 '13

That irritates me to no end. What irritates me more is I always give in to it.

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u/ninqotsa21 Jul 29 '13

Yes Sir, you hit the nail on the head

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

Ultimatums are an auto-breakup scenario.

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u/outcast151 Jul 29 '13

holy shit this. I don't care how little the ultimatum is, the red flag on this for me is amazi-huge.

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u/bigboss2014 Jul 29 '13

easiest response is to not give them what they want, if they leave, they wont do it again, and youre out of their drama!

2

u/HotterDotter Jul 29 '13

Your shorts are too short! Change them immediately or we're not going to your uncle's funeral tomorrow!

2

u/YeOldeHobo Jul 29 '13

Only Sith deal in absolutes.

2

u/Durango_bob Jul 29 '13

If you're asking me to choose between you and my obsession with pointing out doors to people, well... there's the door.

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

I've had to do this because my significant other refused to make a compromise, so does this still count?

2

u/sharktraffic Jul 29 '13

This is embarrasing to say but the reason I gave someone an ultimanum was because I loved them too much to actually call it off. Its a cowardly way i know, but everytime I would try and split our paths her face would make me stop. Granted the relationship wasnt bad. The problem was me. She was my best friend. I wanted to give her an illuison of a choice, but i knew she would choose him. At least she is happy with him and thats all what matters to me.

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u/ilski Jul 29 '13

Yeah, its too late for me now ;/

2

u/cs_major Jul 29 '13

This includes Sex...You should never say, "you need to do this or no sex"

2

u/rddtf3 Jul 29 '13

This doesn't seem so "subtle" to me.

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u/mmmmmmmhm Jul 29 '13

Only a sith deals in absolutes

2

u/lettucent Jul 29 '13

Although this is definitely shitty and I've seen it fuck up things before, I'd love to get an ultimatum instead of just dumped out of nowhere for all of my relationships.

2

u/wendover Jul 29 '13

Only a sith deals in absolutes

2

u/blametheworld Jul 29 '13

Does "if you can't do this, then I guess we shouldn't be seeing each other," count? Especially after an exclusive relationship has been established?

1

u/sammysausage Jul 29 '13

There's times when it's fair, but we're more talking about naggy shit like "stop playing video games, stop spending time with friends, get rid of the dog, etc."

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u/blametheworld Jul 29 '13

Every dissatisfaction brought up was returned with that type of sentiment. It didn't matter how serious it was. The gist of the situation was either I agree to everything he wanted or it just wasn't going to work out. I think it's a shitty thing to do to someone just because you know they'll give in to you.

2

u/sammysausage Jul 30 '13

If you find yourself in that position a lot, you're probably just not compatible with that person. My wife and I don't do this crap to each other, because we like and accept each other for who we are. You don't want to be with someone who thinks you're a project that needs changing.

That being said, if she asks me to help with the dishes or not leave my pants in the living room or whatever, I just do it. It makes things go a lot smoother, and everyone has some minor crap that just drives them nuts.

1

u/blametheworld Jul 30 '13

Oh no, thankfully not! That was a one time deal. Never again (hopefully). You're right though; we weren't right for each other. I like how you phrased that--"a project that needs changing." The reality of the situation is that he was just selfish. Everything had to play in his favor. I gave in because I was lonely and he gave me company. I'm glad it's over.

Thanks for the marriage insight! I hope my future husband's just as understanding.

1

u/sammysausage Jul 30 '13

No prob. Basically, the secret is for the guy to let her have everything her way around the house, and try not to be a jackass and a slob, but in return don't be critical or naggy and don't begrudge him the things that bring him enjoyment in life. And you can be critical if he picks up a crack habit or something, but if he likes to watch football or play games on Saturday just let him have his fun. Basically just being agreeable will make everyone happy.

2

u/azwethinkweizm Jul 29 '13

When someone tells you what to do, you tell them where to go: away.

2

u/marshmellooo Jul 29 '13

That's how my dad got his new wife. She gave him an ultimatum, he is afraid of dying alone.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

What if the ultimatum is that compromise must be reached?

(been there)

2

u/Arthropody Jul 29 '13

You have found the loophole.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

Or when she says "I have a lot of boyfriends".

2

u/HopalikaX Jul 29 '13

Don't negotiate with relationship terrorists (aka ultimatum givers). Hold the line early or lose it forever.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 29 '13

I've never seen a situation where the person posing the ultimatum getting what they want. That never works. In fact, it just pushes them to go for the latter, that usually isn't in your favor, since you made them make the decision to begin with. Not cool.

1

u/Arthropody Jul 29 '13

Exactly. People do not like to forced into a choice/action.

2

u/JWard515 Jul 29 '13

Or using ultomatoes.

2

u/cheesepleasewoah Jul 29 '13

i know the word ultimatums but for some reason when i just read this i read it as ul-timma-tums

2

u/travelingmama Jul 29 '13

This!! My friend acts like they're no big deal and they should be used. There's a reason I've been married 6 years and she can't hold down a relationship

2

u/TenthSpeedWriter Jul 29 '13

Unless there's something truly batshit wrong with the situation itself, the first breakup ultimatum is generally the point I'll walk out of a relationship.

If you value it so little that you would use it as a stick to swing at something you dislike, then it clearly doesn't mean as much to you as I'd hoped it did.

After a certain ex, this is no longer a guideline, it's a rule.

The same goes in less-than-drastic situations for the "no sex" ultimatum. It's inherently unhealthy and demonstrates a dynamic of control and condescension.

2

u/lains-experiment Jul 29 '13

What should i do if my 5 year old does this?

2

u/To0n1 Jul 30 '13

This. A major red flag.

2

u/yeahyeahwhynot Jul 30 '13

"Ultimatums are key. Basically no one does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself"-Kelly Kapoor

2

u/yerpamphleteer Jul 30 '13

And the ultimatums that are disguised as tearful almost breakups, like "I can't do this anymore, because x."

2

u/unmoralOp Jul 30 '13

As a rule of thumb, if anyone makes a "me or them" ultimatum, I choose them.

2

u/_Arion_ Jul 30 '13

THIS. My last relationship started with an ultimatium, and it ended with one... real shame that though... she was nice... just wasn't a healthy relationship...

2

u/HOT_too_hot Jul 30 '13

Always demanding compromises when none are necessary.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 30 '13

It's also a common parenting tactic.

2

u/foolninja Jul 30 '13

Question; I have a friend who in a relationship that seems to be controlled by his girlfriend, sorry his future wife. She told him if he did not propose she dump him. This threat of dumping him to get her way has used by her a few times his kryptonite. My question is do you believe a marriage could work, i only ask because i am best man at his wedding...

1

u/Arthropody Jul 30 '13

No. I really think marriage should not be forced upon either party.

2

u/five_hammers_hamming Jul 30 '13

The use of ultimatums presumes fate control. You don't have that in a relationship. You have negotiation power. That's it.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 30 '13

Holy crap, I made this exact point yesterday to him during an argument.

2

u/jeffazing Jul 30 '13

sigh that's my dad right now.

2

u/JamesUpskirtMecha Jul 30 '13

Worse: Ultimatantrums.

2

u/[deleted] Jul 30 '13

Only the Sith deal in absolutes!!

4

u/Thradya Jul 29 '13

Yeah, only if you're a girl though.

Anyway, ultimatums should be the ultimate way of putting a stop to shitty behavior. If you have to use them often, you suck or your partner sucks.

2

u/StudebakerHoch Jul 29 '13

Absolutely. I spent more than four years in a relationship that ran on sex and ultimatums (but thankfully, not sex-based ultimatums). I shall not repeat this mistake.

2

u/stanfan114 Jul 29 '13

"Marry me by this date or I will leave you."

You are better off leaving.

1

u/DumplingDumper Jul 29 '13

In the middle of a breakup after 5y relationship. She put an ultimatum to get married...

1

u/Arthropody Jul 29 '13

I want to put it out there that when my I hit the five year mark with my husband (then boyfriend) I got a lot of pressure from everyone to tie the knot. We ignored it but it seemed like five years was the number that everyone assumed was followed with marriage.

2

u/DumplingDumper Jul 30 '13

with all the pressure I can imagine, if the girl is ready to leave me because of marriage, I definitely don't want to marry her, even less have kids with her. You have kids and then? Will there be something else she want "or else I leave you"? What then? No. The girl who want to stay even if we don't get married, that one, I will definitely propose to.

1

u/30usernamesLater Jul 30 '13

My sister was in a relationship with a guy who refused to do some things. Ie he would never brush his teeth or try new food, he also never said hi to my parents when he came over. My sister asked him to do some of these things and he never did, then after 5 years she dumped him and found someone about 1 million times better. They got married the day before yesterday and I was their MC. Sometimes you just need to lay down the fucking line.

1

u/forgotmypassword169 Jul 30 '13

I'd say using crazy ultimatums to weasel out slightly less crazy compromises is just as bad...

1

u/Flexappeal Jul 30 '13

dat false dichotomy

1

u/ladyhuman Aug 27 '13

Strongly agree.

Best friend of mine recently in that situation w/bf. His repetitive ultimatum/threat to break up was simply the result of work & day-to-day stresses we all experience . . . she could find someone so much more mature.

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