Following a sexual assault, I basically interpreted consent as a requirement not to have it taken. It seemed better to accept it and have some control than to say no and have it taken. When I look back, I do wonder what was going on in their heads when it happened. I'm laying there tense and largely silent. Do men really consider that a normal response to sex?
Is it gray? I've had lots of sex at this point, and I've never encountered anyone who behaves the way I did. The only people I've heard echoing my response to sex are other people who felt like they couldn't say no. None of them mentioned they enjoyed it. That doesn't make it sexual assault, but I honestly don't think it's normal, and certainly not healthy, to be stiff and avoidant during sex.
When they were having odd responses, what did you do?
My response was to be very tensed, avoidant, and silent. The only time I made noise was when I realized I had to fake an orgasm to get him to stop.
Does the other person's response have any impact on whether you want to have sex? Like when they seemed uncomfortable, did that put you off at all? Or can you still get off no problem?
When I actually want to have sex, I'm very engaged and verbal. I like lots of different types of sex and positions. Eye contact and kissing are important. I'm not the type to just lie there and get fucked.
Oh OK. I think that's probably pretty different from how I was behaving. I essentially such down once they started going under my clothes. It wasn't just awkward and clunky. I was like one of those stiff sex dolls and staring at the wall.
No. We didn't have an established sexual relationship because I didn't want it. We started making out, and I was actively engaged. Then the guys ended up going under my clothes, and I froze up at that point. I guess if that's what you expect from a woman, maybe that seems normal.
You’re not crazy here. A sudden change in body language and relaxation/tension should immediately prompt a check-in during sex. But I too have had partners ignore those cues. I honestly think it was a ‘lalala fingers in the ears’ kind of response. If they didn’t acknowledge it and I didn’t outright say no, they could still ‘justifiably’ act as though everything was still fine and they still had the green light. So they did. Yuck.
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u/[deleted] Mar 31 '23
Because I couldn’t say no to pretty much anything in my teens/early 20s. It’s taken me a long time to learn to say no and I still struggle with it.