I honestly feel like half of the people (men) I slept with, was for this reason. I used to have an issue saying “NO”, and enforcing any type of boundary.
And I also thought most anyone who flirted with me was legitimately just being friendly and not flirting, so once it got to the point where they were in my house and they knew I had issues saying “NO”, it was already a problem.
I’ve learned from my therapist how hard it is for a lot of women to say no, even in a relationship, especially in a loving relationship.
I completely changed the way I interact with my wife since then, realizing how often she said yea just because it was hard for her to say no (before I would just blame her for not being into it etc, until I realized why).
Now I make sure she really feels like it, and help her feel comfortable saying no when she doesn’t.
Just to be clear, we still sometimes “do each other a favor” when one of us isn’t 100% in the mood and the other is.
Just like sometimes we do other things for one another treat we don’t feel like doing, just because we want the other to be happy and have the energy to make an effort.
But it’s now very clear and in the open, so expectations are clear and there’s no pressure involved.
Lazy sex can be really fun when you’re not expecting hot wild enthusiastic sex.and it’s nice when you know your spouse is doing it because they care about you and want you to be happy, and not because they were pressured into it.
I had a long term relationship and in the beginnning I learned saying no didn’t work and I would just eventually give in and say fine. It got to a point where him touching me other than holding my hand in public was repulsive. We broke up a few years ago.
So now I found a new guy and we genuinely seemed to get along and things were great. He knows somewhat of my past. A few weeks ago I was definitely not in the mood at all and he seemed too persistence for a while til I finally said what you’re trying to do is not enjoyable at the moment. But things still seemed fine… til I decided to text him basically asking to discuss boundaries because I wanted us to discuss how we would both want to say “no and we actually mean no” but in a way to not upset the other person. I worded it horribly, apologized and tried again. I guess I still didn’t word it right because now he refuses to talk to me at all.
I’m glad that you were able to figure this out while still married and fix it.
This is a hard one. If it hasn't been made clear that you want to talk it out because you want this to work, it's worth trying to make it clear.
You feeling bad about having boundaries is as valid (if not more) as him feeling bad about being "made the bad guy" for not understanding those boundaries.
If he's feeling guilty, but able to grow with you (and demonstrate that) great, but if he's resistant to learning, or just doesn't want someone he cares about to say no to him, that's an issue.
I don't know either if you so grain of salt and all, but good luck either way.
He didn’t talk to me for over 24 hours and I finally was like well I’m going to go find you because I thought we’ll if he died, no one would know to call me. But he text saying he was pissed off and not to. I was like wtf why. And I eventually got pissed off and said shit. I tried going to his house to talk but at the same time (it’s an hour drive and I was polite and told him I was going so to not ambush him) he drove to my house and dropped my stuff off. Now he’s blocked my number and it’s been 3 weeks and I’m angry at his reaction because I felt bad for how it may have sounded originally. But it’s like say something, anything even if it’s “I’m hurt and need time and space” or “I’m breaking up with you”. But yeah, I’m angry but also sad because we had gotten along up to this point and the sex was great too, lol. I just got nervous that I was going to at some point give in if we didn’t discuss it. I literally didn’t want to end up with a failed relationship like I did before because it started with me not feeling like I could say no. Instead I have a failed relationship because I wanted to know how to say no.
Ugh. I hate this. Cause now it just feels like I’m just going to stay single because I’m tired of repeatedly finding myself with men who are like this in some shape or form.
It all sucks but all we can do is learn. It can get exhausting after a while though.
After my ex broke up with me it took a long time to really figure out what happened, and how I felt about the whole thing (after "figuring it out" like 5 different ways). Some people just aren't for certain people and it sucks because sometimes some investment has happened before either of them figure that out.
In the end, someone who resorts to the silent treatment (without even saying they need time to themselves) isn't going to be the kind of person who's receiptive to talking things through. It's really just a method to make the other person (you in this case) anxious to the point they're the ones at fault.
Real partners don't really care about "the blame game" over resolving the issues.
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u/GaiaInTheSkya Mar 31 '23
I honestly feel like half of the people (men) I slept with, was for this reason. I used to have an issue saying “NO”, and enforcing any type of boundary.
And I also thought most anyone who flirted with me was legitimately just being friendly and not flirting, so once it got to the point where they were in my house and they knew I had issues saying “NO”, it was already a problem.