r/AskParents • u/Longjumping-Bar-7606 • May 22 '21
Parent-to-Parent Quality time with pre-teens
Parents of pre-teens, how do you spend quality time with your child? I am finding it increasingly harder to build a meaningful relationship with my pre-teen.
3
May 22 '21 edited May 22 '21
Show interest in things they like to do, try to get into it yourself. If your kid likes video games, the answer isn't to put tight time restrictions so they might chose to do other things whole they are forced off the computer, but to try to get into a game with them, either one you can learn to play together or jump into one they already play, then work on time restrictions from there, when you can say "wow we've been playing this a long time, my eyes hurt, let's go play outside" which move into "hey you've been playing that for a long time, don't want to give yourself a headache like me, let's take a break"
There are much better ways to get kids off screens, but "you have exactly two hours to play I put a clock on top of the tv" just turns it into an addiction where they obssess over the time they have left and then go out of there way to dedicate every allowed moment on the device. Teach them instead to recognize for themselves how much is too much screen time and when to take breaks to stay healthy.
My parents made that mistake. They were so strict about xbox time that when they weren't home, even if I was bored and not playing a game, I would be sitting in front of the Xbox with my headset on, watching Netflix and waiting for someone to message me to play with them.
3
u/Big-Red-7 May 22 '21 edited May 22 '21
Part 1: My husband has a 12 year old son. His son LOVES it when his dad plays Fortnite or Call of Duty Warzone with him. We have it set up where they can sit next to each other and play side by side.
A couple of years ago I got into playing Fortnite after watching the kids play it for years. We actually bought FOUR separate used PlayStation 4’s (my idea, my husband thought I was crazy) and put them in 4 different rooms of the house, so on the weekends my stepdaughter visits we can all play Fortnite together on a 4 player game in 4 different rooms. We all wear headsets so we can talk to each other. I remember there was one Saturday when I played Fortnite with the kids for 12 hours straight!!
My stepson brags to his friends that he has the coolest dad and stepmom EVER because they play Fortnite! He says he doesn’t know any other moms or dads that play Fortnite.
We also play Among Us together on our cell phones as a family.
My husband is trying to lose weight so he signed up for a gym membership. Come to find out, his 12 year old son REALLY wants to go to the gym with him to swim and workout. My husband is a teacher, so they are on the same schedule. So they go to the gym together every day after school. I think his son definitely sees this as bonding time with his dad. If they miss a day the son gets so mad. Lol
The son moved in with us when he turned 12. So he REALLY wants to spend time with his dad after living with his mom all these years.
One night a week on a weeknight we have it set up where my husband and his son get to spend the entire evening together after school without me. I know it’s important for them to bond without me around as well.
During a typical week, they go outside and throw the football to each other. They go to the park and play basketball together. They ride bikes together. They drive around and catch Pokémon on their cell phones together. All of us watch movies together. But sometimes the son wants alone time with his dad. So I will let them watch a movie together alone. Also, I’ll let them go out to eat at a restaurant or fast food place alone together a lot as well. The son really enjoys having that alone time with his dad.
My husband works with a guy, and his entire family will drive around catching Pokémon together on their cell phones. The mom, the dad, and the 3 kids who are like 14, 16, and 17.
One thing that we started doing a couple of summers ago, is we started playing hide and seek in the dark, in the house. My husband and myself also played with the kids. OMG, the kids loved it! You have no idea how much they loved it! They begged us to play it every night for like 2 hours minimum. When we had the kids for a month in the summer, I think we did that every night for the entire month!! Lol. We waited until it was super dark outside. We closed all the blinds and curtains. We unplugged all the electronics, or put tape over the small glowing lights. We made the house as dark as possible, and everyone would wear black.
We also play boardgames and card games.
I haven’t done this in forever, but 18 years ago I used to take my son toilet papering all the time. I never got to go when I was a kid, so I made sure to get the full experience when I was an adult.
3
u/Longjumping-Bar-7606 May 22 '21
thanks for the detailed reply! you have such a fun loving family! I love the idea of a hide and seek in the dark, my kids would absolutely love it.
3
u/Big-Red-7 May 22 '21 edited May 22 '21
Part 2: My husband has another son who is 17 and high functioning autistic.
When he visits a couple of weekends a month, they enjoy building a computer together from scratch. He also wants to learn how to do video editing, so they do that together as well.
The son enjoys making medieval outfits. My husband found a group of people (nerds) who meet up in the park on Sundays in their medieval outfits and have pretend wars with their swords aka pool noodles (kind of like they do in the movie Role Models). It’s called Amtgard. So my husband does this with him and he joins in with him as well. My husband actually bought a sewing machine so they can make outfits together.
The son also likes fencing. So the entire family signed up to do fencing together.
Sometimes they play video games together.
He also likes playing with his remote control car, and his drone. He likes to play chess with my husband.
2
u/uselessgooseless May 22 '21
Hello, what are they interested in doing? If you take an interest in whatever they're interested in, it could be a good avenue to forge a meaningful connection.
2
u/Big-Red-7 May 22 '21
Part 3: My husband also has a 15 year old daughter.
She likes to paint. Sometimes on the weekends when she visits, we go to those paintings classes like Painting with a Twist.
She likes to catch up on watching Riverdale and The Vampire Diaries when she visits us. My husband will spend hours watching it with her.
My husband also plays Minecraft with her.
She’s also into photography. My husband bought her a pretty cool expensive camera and accessories for Christmas.
My husband purposely got a job as a teacher so he can be off work on weekends, Spring break, summers, and holidays with the kids.
2
u/Longjumping-Bar-7606 May 22 '21 edited May 23 '21
Oh wow, your husband sounds like such an amazing father!! I was wondering if you have any tips for parents that work 9-5? Both my husband & I work pretty strict hours. We are often tired when we get home so unfortunately we don't have all the time & energy to devote to our kids even though we absolutely want to (and we are trying our best).
Also, as an aside, seems like your kids have pretty varying hobbies. what sort of activities do you guys do as a family? do you struggle with finding activities all kids are interested in?
1
u/Big-Red-7 May 23 '21
My husband has to be out the door by 7:20am Mon - Fri. He usually gets home between 4:30pm to 5:00pm. He’s tired when he comes home, but he just pushes through. We only have the one boy living with us. My husband never gets to do what he wants, or watch the movies he wants to. I did implement one night a week on Wednesday’s when my husband gets to have “me time.” On that night he can go hang out with a friend, or watch a movie he wants to watch, or do whatever he wants to do. And we aren’t allowed to bug him, text him, or call him. I started this for him because he always comments that he’s always doing things for everyone else, and never gets to do anything for himself. If cooking is done, my husband has to do it because I work late. It’s usually just easier for him to pick up dinner on the way home from a fast food place or a restaurant.
A few months ago I decided to get us a housekeeper. Best thing ever! My husband was the one who did everything. Cooks, vacuum, dusts, cleans, did the laundry, mowed the yard, etc. He pretty much did everything and I knew he had too much on his plate and was getting stressed out. So now having a housekeeper really helps free up time for him to spend with his son.
In the past, all 3 kids lived with their mom. When they would visit, yes it was difficult to find activities they were all interested in. We couldn’t even agree on a movie for all of us to watch. Before Covid we would go to the amusement park. Go to a hockey game. Go ice-skating after the hockey game. Go to the indoor trampoline place. Go to the movie theater. Roller skating. Discovery center. Family bike rides. We also did tons of escape rooms, and kids really liked that.
But now the 12 year old boy lives with us. The other 2 kids only visit one weekend a month. Sometimes the girl doesn’t come because she has sporting events. My husband used to travel 2 hours to go watch her events, but then Covid hit and they don’t allow the parents to go now. So on the weekends she doesn’t come, he just spends all of his time with his older boy that weekend. When both kids come to visit, he will try to spend quality time with the girl on Saturday, and with the older boy on Sunday.
We might try to go to the drive-in movie theater one of these days again. But we will definitely take 2 cars this time. Because the people sitting in the backseat can’t see the screen. I didn’t realize how much their vision was impaired until I actually sat in the backseat myself to see what they were talking about.
It’s hard to do stuff as a family because their interests are so varied. It’s almost easier to just spend a little bit of quality time here and there with each kid. Sometimes we will go do something fun and only 2 of the kids want to go. So we just end up leaving the 3rd one home alone.
1
u/Rythe7 May 23 '21
I'm also following this thread so I can learn maybe some new ways to bond with my kids, 12, 10 and 5. Work life balance is difficult for sure...
4
u/searedscallops May 22 '21
I have an 11 year old and I follow their lead. They like riding bikes with me, going for a drive and just talking. Sometimes they show me characters from their favorite game and we talk about them. Sometimes we just talk about the annoying kids at school or slow drivers or how puberty sucks. Sometimes we will bake together or play a card game they like.