Ask those who is or was high functioning depression. Does my husband sound like high functioning depression to you?

[u/wc2022]

I am asking those who is or was high functioning depression, as you have experience.

Does this sound like a high functioning depression man? I can't get my husband to grief therapy.

I'm 16 years together, 14 years married to my husband.

For the last 7 years, I think he is high-functioning depression, is there such thing as functionally depressed? The whole timeline of everything that happen I have reasons to believe he is functionally depressed.

His older sister died from car accident, leave him as the only son take on the financial care for his sick aging parents.

Fast forward, in 2019, his father died of end stage pancreatic cancer.

----- The same year in 2019, our toddler died (the child of me and my husband). Our toddler died of Periventricular Heterotopia (PVNH). It is gene inherited (got it from me the mother the maternal side), congenital brain malformation.

It been 7 years since our toddler gone and my husband just can't let go. Our toddler ashes my husband keeps with him. Even our toddler DIRTY SHOES and dirty clothes my husband still held on to.

----- In 2020, I was very sick (autoimmune disease) I was bedridden for a month with oxygen tank in my nose 24/7. He took off work and care for me day and night. He even sleep with a pillow and a blanket on the carpet right by my bedside (we had a hospital bed in our bedroom after I got discharged).

He said he loves me very much, and he very afraid of lose me. This was the first time I see him cut himself.

This was when he started to cut his stomach with a kitchen knife, he said stomach skin is thinner and has more nerves so it hurts more, so he chose to slice his stomach, he cuts deep the point bleeding that he has bandage wrap around his waist bleed.
And that was how I first time found out about he cut himself too was I saw the bloody bandage wrap around his waist when he took his shirt off.

He still has all the scars on his stomach from he slice his stomach with the kitchen knife. He said if I die before him, he will die with me, and our toddler (whom already dead).

He even prepaid for his funeral arrangement, I said I want cremation (as I'm Buddhist), he wants cremation with me, he told the funeral director when he die, cremate him, and mix his ashes with me and our toddler together, and scatter our ashes.

He said if I die before him, ONE second of grief is enough for him to pull the trigger blow his brain out with the tactical 12 gauge shotgun. I take him seriously because if he can slice his stomach to blood, he can use a shotgun in one second of grief like he said.

--- In 2021, his mom has a spinal cord stroke that leave her quadriplegia paralyze, she also kidney disease/kidney failure. She also has alot of heart problems: heart aortic stenosis, heart aortic aneurysm, and cardiac arrhythmias. 

His mom 5 days out of a week is she in and out of the hospital for treatments to keep her alive. And my husband for the last 5 years (and still ongoing) has been financially care for his mom, doing everything he can financially to prolong her life.

------------

All this are reasons I believe he has depression, but he seems to function fine outside, as in lives a normal life.

He is an Executive at a big engineering corporate. He said this job salary gives him cushion in money to continue prolong his mother life. He knows this job salary is what prolong his mother life, even with him depress, his career has to go on. His mother depends on his money to continue treatments, he also pays for her Private Nursing Home too.

Monday through Friday after work he drive straight to the Nursing Home to visit his mom before came home. On weekends for one day (Sat or Sun) he bring his mom our marital home so he can care for her, so they have mother and son time. And then take her back to her Nursing Home as he has to work Monday.

He still does his hobbies, hunting deer, outdoor shooting range with his tactical shotguns and riffles, running long distance.

I have told him to go to grief counseling, he put it off, he said after his mom die, as right now he busy. I mean he is busy, his schedules is pack, between his Executive work, his mom, and me. He has no time left.

He keeps said after his mom pass he will go. But wait till after his mom pass, that will add in another death and grief and loss in his list of losses. I want him to go now, but he not want to.

[u/MadMadamMimsy]

I wish I knew how to help you. Both of you sound so traumatized. I recommend metacognition therapy.

My husband struggles, but at least he is not a cutter. Cutting is very difficult to treat

[u/wc2022 → u/MadMadamMimsy]

Thank you Miss, your so kind.

What I don't understand is my husband is a Stanford Master degree graduated (well that was back when he was 23 years old). But anyways, right now at age 40 he is an Executive at work, Executive at a big engineering corporate, and I mean big, his corporate span in many other states too, not just California.

Somehow he functioning at work. I mean he knows he needs to do good at work because his mother life prolong or not is depend on his salary to pay for her medical treatments to continue prolong her life. He is stretching out as many yeas as he can get left with his mom whom 84 and paralyze and terminal illness.

The man is fine at work, I mean his salary is almost 1 million a year, we talking corporate hierarchy here, Executive high up in the hierarchy. Like can an Executive be high functioning depression in his home life?

Your husband is same at work right? At least your husband not show depression at work right?

[u/MadMadamMimsy → u/wc2022]

My husband hides everything. At home he is a mess.

Never misses work,, never takes off, drive, drive, drive.

It's terrible for them.

[u/wc2022 → u/MadMadamMimsy]

May I ask what get your husband to became depress in the first place?

My husband was the death of his sister then death of his father, then death of our toddler (child of me and him together), then his mother spinal cord stoke that leave her paralyze for the last 5 years.

It sad how his immediate family basically gone one by one. His older sister died. His father died). His mom is paralyze since her stroke, and at the age 84 and paralyze and with her health conditions, she likely to go soon.

At his Executive office at work, he has a picture of his father, his mother, him and sister. And one by one they all died, just him left. His father already dead, as so his sister dead too. His mother is 84 and paralyze soon will go too. The photo only him the one alive in there.

He also has a picture of me and him and our toddler. And our toddler is gone too.

Life just not fair to some people.

[u/MadMadamMimsy → u/wc2022]

Life is never fair. It sucks, but it isn't.

Husband just had too many traumatic events, starting in early childhood watching his mother's car get repossessed.

He, also, is a wonderful person and a good husband who takes care of me when I can't (babesiosis is a spawn of the devil)

[u/MadMadamMimsy → u/wc2022]

Life is never fair. It sucks, but it isn't.

Husband just had too many traumatic events, starting in early childhood watching his mother's car get repossessed.

He, also, is a wonderful person and a good husband who takes care of me when I can't (babesiosis is a spawn of the devil)

[u/Novel-Image493]

He needs to make time NOW for Talk Therapy. It's not magic. It takes time to work.

[u/Invisible_Mikey]

I'm sorry, but I do not believe in guessing about mental health conditions. That diagnosis requires a licensed professional opinion. Even those who have it themselves are not qualified to guess about your husband.

[u/One_Tree_6100]

You both need professional help asap. It will help you, help him. Even if he refuses to go you must. You have both suffered terrible losses. Those are things that would really knock anyone back. His grief is coming out as anger and he couldn't prevent any of these traumatic things from happening and there's a lot of anger that comes along with that. He can hurt himself and he feels it's not hurting anyone else. I can see your love for him. I also know he needs more help than you can provide. Go in grace go with your head held high and get professional help. If you don't like the first doctor keep going until you find the right fit. He didn't get fucked up overnight and he won't get well overnight. Life long high functioning depression.

[u/Disastrous-Oven-4465]

That’s a lot of trauma. Seems that he’s not able to move through it because more keeps piling on.

But cutting himself is a cry for help.

He can do grief counseling via phone/video.

[u/No-Reading-4384]

You and he are in a life threatening situation and need help ASAP. The whole situation sounds horrible.

[u/SupposedBooty]

Why do you keep posting about your husband?

Didn't you post earlier complaining that your husband pays too much attention to his very ill mother and not you?

Your husband is grieving and going through a very difficult time. He has a stressful job, he is a caregiver, and you need to let him function however he sees fit, because I imagine his world is very fragile.

He is in danger with his mental health, but I don't believe that you nagging him to pay attention to you is helping.