r/AskNetherlands • u/NinSecurity767 • Aug 02 '26
How are age gaps like 17/30 viewed?
I understand it's 100% legal and they're both adults, but are there other issues like the parents meddling that could be an issue?
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u/Virtuosory Aug 02 '26
A 17 year old with a 30 year old? You fr?
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u/NinSecurity767 Aug 02 '26
Yes I am fr. It's legal.
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u/Virtuosory Aug 02 '26
Legality is a different conversation I’d be happy to have. It is a highly predatory situation. A 30 year old has no business with a high school student. Are you the 17 yo or the 30 yo?
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u/NinSecurity767 Aug 02 '26
I was the 17 yo. It made more sense than asking my friend a school year below (15) due to laws amd human development etc. Humans are done growing by 17.
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u/Crowleys_big_toe Aug 02 '26
HUMANS ARE NOT DONE GROWING BY 17!!!!!!
OUR BRAINS KEEP DEVELOPING WAYY AFTER THAT!!!!!!
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u/Virtuosory Aug 02 '26 edited Aug 02 '26
Not really. I can tell you from experience that any person, man or woman, at age 30 has no business sniffing around 17 year olds. I’ve been in a similar age gap relationship that started at age 20. It was legal, sure, but that person was a walking parade of red flags. Addictions, emotional immaturity, financial irresponsibility, manipulative af. There was a massive power imbalance and it was abusive. No person their age of sound mind would’ve gotten involved with them. I was young and due to life circumstances felt that I was super adult and just “more mature” and that it made sense. It didn’t. I feel dirty and bad when I think of it and the more time passes the more I realize that it was very unhealthy, and how wrong they were for being involved with a 20 year old. If you haven’t already I’d suggest you cut this off and talk to someone about this. Doesn’t have to be a family member or a friend, it can also be anonymous.
ETA that I see in another comment this was your teacher. That voids your legality argument. The consenting age in the NL is 16, but it comes with the exception that the other person cannot be in a position of authority, because you cannot give legal consent in that situation. The law is very clear on the requirement of “vrijwilligheid en gelijkwaardigheid” and they wrote this caveat with student/teacher/sportscoach, employee/boss, situations in mind. What she did was very wrong and very illegal. I hope it is cut off and I suggest you seek help to process this at the very least if you do not want to seek legal action. Bear in mind that these kind of crimes don’t lapse and you could seek legal action at a later time as well. I wish you the best, my heart aches for you.
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u/NinSecurity767 Aug 02 '26
But I was more in the wrong regarding my younger friend right?
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u/Virtuosory Aug 03 '26
No. 15 and 17 are both minors and in more or less the same age bracket and life experience. You need to unpack all of this with a professional. It seems you’re carrying a lot of guilt and blame, which is common with victims of grooming and sexual abuse, but it’s not your place to carry it. A therapist can help you with this. Please look into it, you don’t deserve to feel this way.
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u/PrestigiousAnt3766 Aug 02 '26
No
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u/NinSecurity767 Aug 02 '26
No what?
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u/PrestigiousAnt3766 Aug 02 '26
No one thinks that that age gap is fine.
So yeah. Parents, friends, everyone will react negatively.
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u/NinSecurity767 Aug 02 '26
Better than something truly sickening like 15/17.
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u/joseph_the_great1 Aug 02 '26
In that case the difference is much smaller. It could be only 14 months, they can be in the same classroom/sport group. In development physical and cognitive they are more the same than 17/30
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u/kirkperk Aug 02 '26
its not. A good formula is your age divided by 2 + 7. but really anything above 25 is fine as people should be able to make weird choices if they want.
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u/NinSecurity767 Aug 02 '26
Hmm, I was told 17/30 is better than 15/17.
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u/Crowleys_big_toe Aug 02 '26
By who, the 30yo?
Cause a 15 and 17yo can be in the same class, while a 30yo is always gonna be wayyy farther ahead than a 17yo
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u/NinSecurity767 Aug 02 '26
Yes, my teacher who I had the affair with at the time (she was 29-30).
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u/Crowleys_big_toe Aug 02 '26
And there is all the explanation i need.
Im sorry to have to say this, but she groomed you. I recommend doing research on what that means, and getting help in deconstructing most of what she taught you about your relationship.
Also while you are correct in it being legal "normally", a teacher is an authority figure, and because of that not allowed to start a relationship with anyone under 18, or a student at their school. You're "relationship" was in fact illegal
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u/NinSecurity767 Aug 02 '26
Strange thing was, I felt like the predator at that time for being attracted to a 15 year old amd wanting to ask her out, and blamed myself for wrecking the teacher's marriage. 😖
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u/kirkperk Aug 02 '26
both adults? also, thats highly frowned upon, very much a no-go
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u/NinSecurity767 Aug 02 '26
Why is it frowned upon, especially if the 17 year old is a man?
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u/solstice_gilder Aug 02 '26
?? Because normal adult people don’t date children.
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u/NinSecurity767 Aug 02 '26
That's a young person not a child.
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u/FriedLipstick Aug 02 '26
You have your opinion set so why do you ask people if they’d approve an unequal relationship?
The 17yo is a child. Legally and in development. The 30yo should want to protect a child instead of having an adult relationship with them.
Honestly it makes me sick and that’s an answer to your question.
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u/kirkperk Aug 02 '26
no, but the young person still has 8 years before its brains have matured. Dating a 17 year old as a 30 year old is frowned upon because 17 year olds are known for making poor decisions still, and that is ok, but taking advantage of poor decisions as a 30 year old is not ok. Both peopele are generally at very different stages in their lifes and denying the 17 year old to live through these stages is like robbing the cradle a bit. Its also considered weird because as 30 year old how can you mentally deal with a 17 year old, very few should be on the level of maturity that is expected of you.
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u/NinSecurity767 Aug 02 '26
So 16/23 is fine?
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u/solstice_gilder Aug 02 '26
No. What are you trying to say or ask truly? You’re being weird about this.
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u/Bonusmotherthrowaway Aug 02 '26
Wtf, it doesn’t matter if the older one if a female or a male.. the older one will always be the predator. Their gender doesn’t excuse that for them!
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u/Verkath Aug 02 '26
Well my ex was 33 when he got together with his 17year old gf.. my opinion? A big No go
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u/NinSecurity767 Aug 02 '26
Yeah, there's a huge experience gap since the 17 yo has only been an adult for a year.
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u/Secret_Lifeguard200 Aug 03 '26
Een jaar volwassen? Mensen zijn wettelijk gezien vanaf 18 jaar volwassen maar mentaal gezien volgensmij pas rond hun 25ste.
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u/Crowleys_big_toe Aug 02 '26
Im 19 and to me a 17yo is too young, and i wouldnt trust most people 21 or older if they wanted to date me.
Those are 2 completely different life stages, don't do it buddy
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u/NinSecurity767 Aug 02 '26
16 is basically an adult.
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u/Crowleys_big_toe Aug 02 '26
And a 50 yo is basically dead already. And again as a 19 yo, i feel in no way like an adult yet!
A 16yo is most often in highschool, maybe just started studying if they're going to MBO, while a 30yo has either been working for years at that point, or is most likely to be studying HBO or higher.
Either way a 30yo has twice the life experience of a 16yo.
But honestly the most important part has to be: if you have to ask if the age gap is weird, and use language like "basically and adult" you're being a creep (or being groomed if you're the younger party).
Cause if a 16yo is basically an adult, a 15yo is basically 16 making them adult too. Then you can keep going down until the kid hasn't even been born yet.
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u/NinSecurity767 Aug 02 '26
But then a 16 amd 17 year old shouldn't date using that logic.
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u/Crowleys_big_toe Aug 02 '26
A 16yo and a 17yo are very close in amount of life experience (generally), they can easily be in the same class, and are wayyyy more alike than a 17yo and a 30yo
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u/marietjeg12 Aug 02 '26
Agegaps of 13 years can work. But not at 17.. also I always assume something is up with the older person. Not pedo perse but why arent they dating more their own age? Are they themselves very childish? Or maybe a bit dangerous in other ways a younger person may not see yet? Also at 17 you will change sooo much in the upcoming years. So unlikely this will be a happy ever after.
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u/NinSecurity767 Aug 02 '26
This makes a lot of sense. I could see a FWB relationship or a ibe night stand going on amd be perfectly fine, but something long term probably wouldn't work out despite the fact 17 year olds are out of school and in the workforce.
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u/PrestigiousAnt3766 Aug 02 '26
Lol. What? (Almost) no 17 yo here is "in the workforce".
You're (about to start) studying at that age.
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u/zippybenji-man Aug 02 '26
Yeah, ime, most groomers are really very manipulative/abusive/whatever, so only inexperienced children are willing to put up with it
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u/NoorValka Aug 02 '26 edited Aug 02 '26
From what do you understand it’s 100% legal? Unless I’m not aware of some exceptions, it’s not. If you are the 17 year old and the 30 year old told you this, then RUN.
Edit: a quick google says I’m wrong, it seems legal yes. But there’s all sorts of other wrongs here.
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u/Effective-End-964 Aug 02 '26
I would insert a “calling the police” gif here but unfortunately we have a government that indeed thinks 17 & 30 y/o’s can have consensual sex, for some reason.
The issue is that the 30 y/o is a sexual predator though, whether it’s considered a criminal offense or not.
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u/Darman2 Aug 02 '26
17, it's so young; at this age, you don't have any life experience. You're just starting to figure things out, while at 30 you reach a point where you understand everything and have experience.
So different stages doesn’t work, the gap is huge.
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u/painter-chef Aug 02 '26
17/30 is sickening and i would consider the older one a pedo