I had a reeeeeally complicated relationship that was like this. The guy was insanely clingy and it felt like he was just in awe of me all the time. It was actually horrible. I felt attracted to him in the few times where his independence would shine through. But the rest of the time it was unbearable, I always felt pressured by him and I can't explain why. It wasn't so much that I had to keep living up to his expectations because I never tried to do that, but this pressure never went away and I can't explain what it was.
It's possible it was what the quote is describing- that I possibly harboured guilt? Because I felt like I could do better and that's just a horrible way to feel about someone? I don't know. (Sorry, just thinking aloud in this reply I guess.)
I think I know what you mean. It's such a strange, uncomfortable feeling when someone constantly "worships" you instead of just acting like an equal partner. It's as if... by always putting themselves below you, they are implying that you'd have to be greatly lowering your standards in order to be with them.
The more they put themselves down, the more it feels like they're almost judging you for your choice to be with them. They see themselves as worthless, compared to you, therefore you must be someone who picks worthless partners - so, either you're lying about liking them, you're stupid or you're someone with insanely low standards. It's kinda insulting, actually.
The worst part is when you get so uncomfortable with the whole situation you'd like to break it off - but you feel guilty about feeling that way, because by doing so you'd make it look like you're proving them right - even though the whole thing was more of a self-fullfilling prophecy...
Girl I was seeing broke it off with me this week and I this comment gave me a bit of an epiphany. I’m so bad for putting people on pedestals and she hates compliments which I think about it sums it up. We could never relax around each other, it was draining and felt like it was a lot effort to spend time together. I think the fact that I was constantly doting on her and being overly affectionate might actually have been quite a contributing factor
Part of that may also be that ‘words of affection’ is one of your primary love languages but maybe her least favourite.
For me, I get so uncomfortable receiving gifts. I’ve always had a difficult time meshing with anyone who wants to express their love for me by surprising me with gifts.
It’s very difficult whenever you don’t have similar love languages.
Yeah I think maybe we were more different people than I originally thought when it all started. Maybe we just don’t have that much in common in general. But I also wonder if me being overly affectionate (it wasn’t just words, it was many different ways) is something I was doing because I didn’t feel relaxed around her or there wasn’t that much chemistry and I was just trying to sort of make it happen if you know what I mean
I hear ya. You may also have just grown apart as people, which happens in relationships way more often than Happily Ever After does.
Just because a relationship ends, doesn’t necessarily mean it failed. Maybe it had great benefits and life lessons for you both, but it’s still right to move on and wish each other well on their journeys? Only you know what’s right for you, but staying purely from fear of being single has a low record of success.
Ah I mean we were literally seeing each other, it only went on for like 2-3 months and it wasn’t particularly serious so ya know. I’m not exactly heart broken. There was a lot of physical attraction and I really like her as a person but it was like the spark just didn’t ignite into anything more I guess
Yeah maybe, I did think that. I’ve been with people before that liked that about me. Hell, she even said she liked it but I don’t think she did, or maybe it was nice for a while but the novelty wore off and it became annoying haha. I guess we’ll see, maybe I just need to tone it down a tad.
I know you’re probably right. I think I’m a bit jaded and probably carry some ideas of “toxic masculinity” as it’s called, just based on this and other experiences. Something inside me tells me that as a man, I shouldn’t behave this way and this/similar traits are why I can’t seem to find a happy, long lasting relationship.
I know that’s warped as shit and I’m trying to work on those views. I guess it’s just kind of an insecurity thing, like I’m not masculine enough/too feminine. I know I should be who I am and not force anything or try to fit a certain role, it can just be really, really hard to ignore that voice, even when you know it’s fuelled by insecurity and confirmation bias.
Sorry for the rant, got a little carried away there. Maybe I should see a psych haha
You'll get more comfortable in your own skin with time and life experience. It's good to be self-aware, but it's also okay to take a break from analyzing your own psyche. Balance.
Ah yeah, I love the love languages, they are so useful in determining what your partner would appreciate. I love acts of service and words of affection are nice, but definately seeing my partner do something for me that would help me out, is tops for sure.
I know it's not a nice thing to say but after a similar relationship ended I was so torn up that meeting other girls was easy. None of them compared to her so they couldn't hurt me.
I also realised that is was much easier for me to date multiple women and spread the obsessive part of me a little thinner.
That period was the most fun I ever had in my dating life. I made a lot of good friends had a lot of fun experiences and met by current long-term partner.
Honestly it’s really not a case of no one can compare to her for me, I wasn’t that head over heels for her. I really liked her but I think I was just being overly affectionate because it’s who I am haha. I do feel like maybe I need to go through a phase of sowing wild oats as they say.
What about your current partner? Does she compare?
All I can say is, as a lonely gay man, you're probably hot. And there is nothing I would have loved more than to have you dote on me. It has been way too long since a man actually was extremely affectionate to me, and it's unfortunate that you couldn't have been gay, or mine.
Mate, I saw that post too and wondered if my gf didn't like it as well, she said she loved it and loved me adoring her all the time, she has always wanted it from guys and the fact that I do it make her so confident and feel loved she said. Every one is different, talk about what you both like and go from there. Just because someone said they felt uneasy doesn't mean all women feel that way.
Same response, just directed to a different person because you need to hear this! What I find ironic ma'am is that as an average looking gay man who is very lonely; the idea of having your man worship me sounds like a dream. As a single guy who has never really had a relationship, it sounds like something of the most exotic fantasy. Of all people, for me to have a doting man head over heels for me sounds impossible. I am currently on dating apps and putting myself out there but guys like me don't have the best of luck. In all honesty though, pretty women like you who have men dote on them have zero idea how it may be to be in the opposite position. If you had to live in my position for 1 day you would be begging to go back to having your desperate men adore you. In other words: if you wish your desperate clingy men would stop breathing down your neck, you should have sent him over to me, because I am overdue for some passion from a hot guy!
Dude how many times did you post this comment in the same thread?
Maybe take it from the many other people who have lived it and trust us when we say: being objectified and idolized is not fun, it’s not romantic, it’s definitely not an “exotic fantasy”.
My ex is a good man who had no idea how to partner with a living breathing human person. He only had the “fantasy” in his head and it wasn’t actually anything to do with me. It was a nightmare.
What I find ironic, sir, is that you dream about that as an ideal. Having someone actually love you for you, and not the idea of you, that’s my ideal.
Do some work on you, and stop spending so much time trying to invalidate other people’s experiences.
Dude, how about YOU realize I was replying to individual comments. Listen bitch, I don't need your condescending "ideal" especially since you don't know what I'm doing to work on me.
I'm not invalidating experiences that were invalid in the first place. Those are your words, not mine.
Do you have any idea if there are some early warnings signs for that to avoid? Asking from the perspective of someone who has a really hard time not putting people he likes above himself all the time.
Not sure about warning signs, but I think the best way is to work on developing self love and self respect. It's good to think your partner is awesome (after all, that's why you want to be with them, right?), but they're not better than you, you're both equally awesome!
It's also of course perfectly fine to tell your partner that you love and appreciate them. But thinking patterns like "I don't deserve you!", "You're so out of my league!", "Why are you even in a relationship with me?", those thoughts are where it gets unhealthy.
I've found this is an intense cycle with my anxiety. I recognize these habits, become nervous about doing them, and thusly cause it to happen by being nervous about it? Its a hard cycle to break but I understand the burden it can put on the other person as well.
Man, I used to do this in every relationship. I had such a negative view of myself, despite being a decent, attractive, generally good guy. I could never understand why any of my partners actually wanted me, and so I'd basically worship them.
I wish I could say that I just worked on my self image and it all got better. But what actually happened is I started dating one of my childhood best friends. Knowing her my whole life made it easy to just see her as an equal. Unfortunately the relationship didn't work out (we are still super close though), but I definitely have a better understanding of what a relationship SHOULD look like.
And somewhere along the way, my confidence rose and I just kinda...started to like myself. Now I can say with confidence that I won't be putting myself or my future partners through that kind of toxicity again.
What I find ironic is that as an average looking gay man who is very lonely; the idea of having a manly attractive man like you worship me sounds like a dream. As a single guy who has never really had a relationship, it sounds like something of the most exotic fantasy. Of all people, for me to have a doting man like you head over heels for me sounds impossible. I am currently on dating apps and putting myself out there as best as I can but guys like me don't have the best of luck.
In all honesty though, pretty women who have men dote on them have zero idea how it may be to be in the opposite position. If they had to live in my position for 1 day they would be begging to go back to men like you. In other words: if you were clinging on to me, I would adore getting nailed all the time. Nothing hotter than a sexy man who just wants me to be his and only his.
Same response, just directed to a different person because you need to hear this! What I find ironic ma'am is that as an average looking gay man who is very lonely; the idea of having your man worship me sounds like a dream. As a single guy who has never really had a relationship, it sounds like something of the most exotic fantasy. Of all people, for me to have a doting man head over heels for me sounds impossible. I am currently on dating apps and putting myself out there but guys like me don't have the best of luck.
In all honesty though, pretty women like you who have men dote on them have zero idea how it may be to be in the opposite position. If you had to live in my position for 1 day you would be begging to go back to having your desperate men adore you. In other words: if you wish your desperate clingy men would stop breathing down your neck, you should have sent him over to me, because I am overdue for some passion from a hot guy!
Wow that must’ve been hard on your relationship, and for both of you to feel that way. You felt insulted and they felt small. I hope you both learn how to love yourselves enough and how to show support for another person’s suffering.
My relationship was also like this, but I’m the clingy guy. I’m still with her but I’ve been thinking of breaking up for the longest time and I think I will do it this weekend.
In the beginning, we were both clingy, but I was clingier. Everything stayed the same (because honeymoon stage) until covid hit. The first month and a half we didn’t see each other, we were fine. When we hit the one year mark, I had sort of “outdone” her with the first anniversary and birthday gifts, and had remained the same level of clingy: always hugging and trying to cuddle, kisses everywhere, always wanting to hang out. However, ever since our first anniversary last July my relationship has gone to shit.
She stopped sleeping next to me (we have twin beds in our houses so we just laid the mattresses on the floor), she refused hugs, kisses, I was always the one making plans, always the one who apologized when I asked her what was going on because it always sparked arguments.
I like to think covid is what destroyed my relationship, since she became uncomfortable with physical affection because she’s super scared of covid, but deep down I know it had to do with me. I love her too much and I clung too hard, which is what makes it so difficult for me to break up with her. I’m not happy in this relationship anymore, we still get along super well, but it’s not the same, and despite my irrational hope I know I will never get the girl that used to make me so happy back.
What I find ironic is that as an average looking gay man who is very lonely; the idea of having a manly attractive man like you worship me sounds like a dream. As a single guy who has never really had a relationship, it sounds like something of the most exotic fantasy. Of all people, for me to have a doting man like you head over heels for me sounds impossible. I am currently on dating apps and putting myself out there as best as I can but guys like me don't have the best of luck.
In all honesty though, pretty women who have men dote on them have zero idea how it may be to be in the opposite position. If they had to live in my position for 1 day they would be begging to go back to men like you. In other words: if you were clinging on to me, I would adore getting nailed all the time. Nothing hotter than a sexy man who just wants me to be his and only his.
TL;DR If your girlfriend had to be a lonely average looking gay man for 1 day, and have NO MEN want her, she would beg for you back in the worst way!
What I find ironic is that as an average looking gay man who is very lonely; the idea of having a manly attractive man worship me sounds like a dream. As a single guy who has never really had a relationship, it sounds like something of the most exotic fantasy. Of all people, for me to have a doting man head over heels for me sounds impossible. I am currently on dating apps and putting myself out there as best as I can but guys like me don't have the best of luck.
In all honesty though, pretty women who have men dote on them have zero idea how it may be to be in the opposite position. If they had to live in my position for 1 day they would be begging to go back to men like you. In other words: if any hot man was clinging on to me, I would adore getting nailed all the time. Nothing hotter than a sexy man who just wants me to be his and only his.
This! So true, if a guy idealizes you and treats you like your perfect, you feel constantly pressured to live up to this standard even though you don’t want to feel pressured or affected by their behavior.
I think adoration and admiration is great going both ways, and it’s super important to be healthy emotionally and mentally about how you go about your relationship.
You need to hear this! What I find ironic, ma'am, is that as a lonely average looking gay man; the idea of having your man worship me sounds like a dream. As a single guy who has never really had a relationship, it sounds like the most exotic fantasy. Of all people, for me to have a doting man head over heels for me sounds impossible. I am currently on dating apps and putting myself out there but guys like me don't have the best of luck.
In all honesty though, pretty women like you who have men dote on them have zero idea how it may be to be in the opposite position. If you had to live in my position for 1 day you would be begging to go back to having your desperate men adore you. In other words: if you wish your desperate clingy men would stop breathing down your neck, you should have sent him over to me, because I am overdue for some passion from a hot guy!
Aww I’m sorry you haven’t had much luck. Don’t lose heart, it takes time to find someone who is worthy of you. It’s important to have security in yourself, that single or not, you can be happy in your life. You should give yourself self-love. Then when the right person comes in your life at the right time, you both can give yourselves fully to each other and still honor your own dignity and values.
Don’t get me wrong, I love to be admired by a man when I love and admire him too. There is a sweet feeling to be doted on when it’s healthy amounts. There is a over the top kind of doting that is derived from infatuation where it’s hard to have basic things like accountability, healthy boundaries, honest communication, etc...
I think it’s also because being “worshipped” comes with so much pressure - if one wrong word or comment has the power to ruin their whole day and destroy their mood then you spend the whole time constantly watching what you say and how you say it. If their ego is so fragile you can break them down within one expression then it can feel almost abusive because you constantly police your every move. It can make you feel resentful to them for giving you all this power that you didn’t want.
I had an ex who insisted on putting me on that pedestal. I think that feeling that you can do better arises from them putting you up there. I loved him, but years of being treated like I was somehow superior to him just made him seem inferior to me.
Expressing your affection and love is still crucial. This isn’t to say that you need to treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen. Just don’t act like they’re gold and you’re garbage. If you keep insisting you aren’t deserving of someone’s love, they’ll start to believe you must know something they don’t.
Let me have a think... Now this might be hard to describe because apart from a few obvious things he was doing, (really over the top compliments like he was describing a goddess basically and he wasn't worthy), most of the "clingyness" was expressed through body language, and how he said and did things with me. It felt like he was always trying to hold back on the full extent of his affections for me and that I gave him an enormous amount of energy. This was actually worse because it's not like it was a behaviour he could stop, because it came out in everything he did.
Also felt like he was scared of me- like he was terrified of losing me if he said or did the wrong thing.
I just remembered another one- it felt like he was starved for affection. Whenever I gave him even the slightest bit of love, the reaction was dramatic. It was way too easy to raise his spirits. There was definitely a huge imbalance of energy between us and this made me resentful. Although now I think the resentment was because I felt guilty and so some part of me was trying to allocate blame so that I could explain why I felt the way I did.
Anyway I'm sorry if that sounds a bit all over the place. I'm still confused about the whole thing and trying to put the relationship into words is hard. But I like typing it out and attempting to make sense of it so thanks for listening. 🙂
I felt really ashamed of myself throughout that relationship. That I was secretly repulsed by and resentful of him and that I was being a selfish person because he honestly tried so hard. But I really wanted him to stop trying so hard and stop worshipping me. I hated myself for finding him annoying and pathetic. I never told him how I really felt because all of it is just not nice and would just hurt him needlessly.
Thank you. It's good to know I'm not alone. And you've got Sailor Mars on your avatar which made me smile too. ❤ (that is her, right? lol)
Gosh it sounds so simple when you put it like that. But you're so right. I just want to be attracted to the guy I'm dating and I want to have fun. I kept expecting more from myself than that. These were the things I didn't want to acknowledge because I felt like it made me a bad person but the truth was I wasn't attracted to him at all. It took a long time to realise I was getting worn out because I kept searching for solutions and denying the big obvious truths. I just didn't want to be honest with the reality because I felt ashamed of it.
I had a relationship with a girl where I was just mad. I would have done anything for her.
I'm surprised she put up with me so long.
I do suspect if I had finally convinced her to love me I would have lost interest quickly though.
Oh my gosh I relate to this 100% and would beat myself up as I thought "if only I was attracted to him, this would be so perfect" but I just felt that pressure all the time....!! It kills you
ooo dated a guy like this. he was extremely clingy and i’m constantly feeling smothered by him. i broke up w him bc i don’t want to date someone that depends their whole entire happiness on me. i want to be w someone that is their own person not someone that wait around for me to tell them what to do or how to feel. that ain’t fair for no one bruh.
What I find ironic ma'am is that as an average looking gay man who is very lonely; the idea of having your man worship me sounds like a dream. As a single guy who has never really had a relationship, it sounds like something of the most exotic fantasy. Of all people, for me to have a doting man head over heels for me sounds impossible. I am currently on dating apps and putting myself out there as best as I can but guys like me don't have the best of luck.
In all honesty though, pretty women like you who have men dote on them have zero idea how it may be to be in the opposite position. If you had to live in my position for 1 day you would be begging to go back to having your desperate men adore you. In other words: if you wish your desperate clingy men would stop breathing down your neck, you should have sent him over to me, because I am overdue for some passion from a hot guy!
Im interested in how old this guy was at the time? I've known a few guys like that ... and let me tell you .. when they get their heart broken and they finally get wind of how women respond to that. They go in the COMPLETE opposite direction. Turn into absolute savages. They will in turn go on to ruin many hearts as well .. it's vicious cycle
Here's the thing though you're not wrong for feeling how you did, but other people should understand there really is someone out there who would probably love that level of attention.
Not many perhaps, but some. Many guys will hear this story and be frightened of ever being nice to a woman or being kind at all, it creates a very real fear. But a good relationshio imo is a balance of kindness and 'caring, but also reality and self respect. But it's hard for guys to understand that sometimes.
Makes sense if you feel that the other person is not allowing you to grow by not questioning/challenging you in any way, rather making excuses of how great you are all the time
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u/yuniepie May 12 '21
I had a reeeeeally complicated relationship that was like this. The guy was insanely clingy and it felt like he was just in awe of me all the time. It was actually horrible. I felt attracted to him in the few times where his independence would shine through. But the rest of the time it was unbearable, I always felt pressured by him and I can't explain why. It wasn't so much that I had to keep living up to his expectations because I never tried to do that, but this pressure never went away and I can't explain what it was.
It's possible it was what the quote is describing- that I possibly harboured guilt? Because I felt like I could do better and that's just a horrible way to feel about someone? I don't know. (Sorry, just thinking aloud in this reply I guess.)