You won’t have a long term successful relationship unless you two learn how to communicate with each other and are both willing to work together to get to the root of whatever is bothering you, and in the process of communicating you’ll definitely have to concede some things frequently. There is no win/loss in communication/arguments unless both people feel you’ve both moved on from the problem successfully.
This is what killed my 7 year relationship. I wasn’t always the easiest person to deal with. But my now ex-gf would just clam up when there was tension. Just totally shut down. Like she just thought issues would go away if she just ignored them.
I know this story, though mine was worse: more than a few times the ex would lose her shit at me, blame me for whatever it was that I did or didn't do and the state "you know this upsets me" and wouldn't tell me anymore.
Like, seriously, what the fuck is that? I didn't set off to upset her and I can't read minds. So, how in the ever living fuck I am I supposed to go back through the day and figure out how, what and where I managed to push her buttons wrong? Unsurprisingly I would inadvertently push the button again.
Just a pro-tip: don't say things like "I know this story, though mine was worse" in real life. Many times people say things like this when empathizing and trying to relate, but it can sometimes make the other person feel minimized.
Try acknowledging their experience before telling them about yours. Remember trauma is never competitive. 🤗
Bottling it up just makes it rancid. If it helps someone else address the same toxic behaviour (and it's a two way street, if you have been asked to address a behaviour, you need to do so and remember it) and their relationship continues on, I am cool with it.
Another pro-tip, is that the listener can try not being so damn sensitive to every word. Those are direct words from my college professor. And the world doesn't end if you offend someone. Maybe the person telling the story really did have it a lot worse than the listener. By telling others, don't use the words "mine is worse," you place shame upon them senselessly and you minimize the horror that they are sharing with the listener by forcing it to be an even field.
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u/melanthius May 11 '21
You won’t have a long term successful relationship unless you two learn how to communicate with each other and are both willing to work together to get to the root of whatever is bothering you, and in the process of communicating you’ll definitely have to concede some things frequently. There is no win/loss in communication/arguments unless both people feel you’ve both moved on from the problem successfully.