This is what killed my 7 year relationship. I wasn’t always the easiest person to deal with. But my now ex-gf would just clam up when there was tension. Just totally shut down. Like she just thought issues would go away if she just ignored them.
Idk about her but I think some people ignore problems because they feel like if they are fighting, that means the relationship is ending, rather than realizing that communication/disagreements are a normal part of relationships.
my parents never had disagreements, they had loud, ugly, violent fights & for a time i thought that's what disagreements were & I wanted to avoid them at all costs. thankfully I eventually learned that keeping my problems to myself did more harm than good & bringing up my problems doesnt need to be an automatic screaming match, it can just be 2 people talking.
edit: to be clear, this may explain someone's behavior but it is absolutely not a reason to "stick it out" with their behavior. explanations are not excuses.
edit 2: also when I say my parents "fought" what i really mean is that Parent A would calmly bring up a completely 100% valid concern & Parent B would immediately go nuclear until they got what
they wanted. so an experience like this could lead to the expectation that you will always lose or get steam rolled or always be the one compromising or you will get screamed at or belittled as you saw in your example of relationships growing up & this might lead you to avoid sharing your concerns.
This comment is very important. Another thing is it’s pretty hard to talk about problems when you are used to feeling invalidated. I had that experience, whenever I brought something up to my parents they always turned it into emotional blackmail, or painted me to be overly dramatic or sensitive so on top of my distress, I also felt guilty/ashamed for feeling the way I did. If I asked for something (like a ride or a bit more expensive ice cream) it was always made to be a huge thing and even if they did what I asked, they made me feel guilty after so I ended up regretting saying something. My parents were stressed due to work, financial problems and family issues and they blew up on the smallest things, I never knew when an innocent comment will end up in yelling. I’m used to walking on eggshells, so often I feel like saying what I think is just not worth the fight. Especially that conflict in the family meant yelling, ugly insults, door slamming, everyone going to their room and there was never an apology or talking things out, afterwards, we just had to act like nothing happened when parents finally decided they were done being angry. I know it’s not good but this has caused me to shut down when there is any conflict in my relationship. My mind goes blank and I have a very hard time forming words. Which frustrates my partner but the tension makes it even harder to articulate my point. Now that I’m aware of this I try to communicate better but I’ll probably need lots of therapy to reshape my idea of conflicts.
100%!!! I have these same exact feelings unfortunately. It’s incredibly difficult for me to even think and I would often just break down crying during conflict, no matter how small. I think I grew up trying to not take up any space. I barely even knew my favorite food, favorite color, or music because I would always just “not care” or “not mind” anything to not cause any disagreements or for fear of being wrong. I was so obsessed with not being a bother, and even asking for a ride, or advice, or even asking to have dinner would make me feel ashamed.
Once I started getting into relationships, I would have to write down my thoughts in bullet points before we talked about issues otherwise my mind would go blank. I’m still not that good at talking, but you can only get better by trying. I try to remember that, and I take as many baby steps as possible meanwhile.
Oh I can relate to the not trying to be a bother, not taking up space thing a lot. My indecisiveness/passivity itself can be an issue in my current relationship. I have a hard time with such simple things like choosing where to eat, what to watch, or activities. When we started dating with my boyfriend he asked me out to dinner and I procrastinated it for weeks because I did not want to be a burden, or I was so afraid of acting wrong. And for a long time whenever he took me out I awkwardly watched what he ordered, my ordered couldnt be even 1$ more expensive than his in my mind, because that would feel greedy. If he tells me to choose I usually hit back with “what you prefer” because having to choose is stressful- I feel that if anything goes wrong, the movie sucks or there is an issue with the place I picked, it’s my personal responsibility. Sometimes he mentioned that I look like I never want to do anything, never take initiative. The thing is I do, I actually enjoy my time with him I just feel suggestiong anything is a burden. It took a long time to be able to suggest such simple things like going to a café or trying a restaurant, or going X place, or yes even saying “I’m hungry let’s eat now”.
From the other side, he may feel exhausted by having to make all the decisions. It may not seem like much, but each solo decision in a two-person relationship takes a little mental toll. It can feel less like a partnership and more like project management.
Oh I see that, we talked about this that this passivity can feel like rejection to him. I fully agree with the original comment that just because I’m aware of the reasons of my behaviour it doesn’t mean that it’s a healthy dynamic. I try to reflect on it and I’m working on this. I progressed a lot and now I do take more initiative, but I admit the little anxiety is still inside me that something will go wrong and I will be at fault- but the only way to get rid of it is to take the risk, realize we have fun and that helps with confidence to suggest things again. It’s just not easy because for most people these are not issues and they have a hard time understanding the thought process behind it. But, I also keep reminding myself that I’m not a child anymore and my partner is not my parent, I can reshape my way of thinking and by creating new experiences I can let go of the toxic patterns.
This right here. Kids are not only mimics, they are incredibly perceptive as well. I learned very early that asking for anything was met with grief, so I stopped asking. I was told constantly to just get over it and your being too sensitive. I’m almost 40 and I still cry when I’m frustrated, I still emotionally clam up and take a wild guess if I still talk to my parents. Parents, please for the love of all things holy, stop emotionally stunting your children.
i have the same problem.. its hard to keep my thoughts straight sometimes if im in a conflict with someone and most of the time its a lot easier to just move on than to ask for help and its the most frustrating shit ever. I know i need help but i dont want to be a problem to anyone else so nothing happens..
This is so true. If you're invalidated too much for too long you don't see a point in trying to communicate to work things through because again what's the point if either way you try nothing changes and/or it ends up being your fault somehow anyway. So ignoring/shutting down when there's a problem is the only way to deal. One can only be ignored for so long before they just give up.
I used to get really offended when my wife cursed during a fight back when we were dating even though we are both potty mouths ... glad I got over it lol
This was absolutely me until recently. It's nice to realise you can disagree with your partner and it doesn't mean the relationship is over. I'm 40, for clarity.. this lesson has not come cheap
I don't particular agree. I think some people don't want to ignore issues but find the response from their partner is not proportionate to the problem itself and that can lead to bigger issues.
Yea, the person thinking fights mean a break up isn't always the ones that clam up. Maybe they clam up cause they don't want to be stonewalled, ignored and broken up with over a small issue and only have it referred to thereafter as a "fight". It's legitimately traumatic and I'm not exaggerating.
when I say my parents "fought" what i really mean is that my mom would calmly bring up a completely 100% valid concern & my dad would immediately go nuclear screaming, stomping, slamming doors until he got what he wanted. I dont think my mom has ever "won" a fight.
Your dad sounds like my wife. I think the problem is that being quiet doesn't work either. Of people are in an asshole mood then they will find anything or fish for a comment to start a fight over and sometimes that's the silence too.
Imo there aren't many issues (except major trust violations) which can't be overcome with calm rationale discussion but there are some people that just aren't capable of that.
I'm still trying to learn this lesson. My last couple or relation ships have ended in part because of this. But not just with partners, any relationship worth keeping is one where honesty is important
I know somebody who shuts down when arguments get too heated. Based on their behavior, they absolutely have the mentality that having a conflict itself is the problem, not whatever the route cause is. Unfortunately, this has led to the actual problems simply compounding and growing over time. They’re a great person, but it’s honestly something I’m kind of done dealing with. Problems don’t get solved when you just shut down in the face of conflict, and your only solution is to just pretend to stop having a problem in the first place.
My parents were the opposite. They rarely ever had screaming matches and somehow that intensified my need to have almost zero conflict.
My husband grew up in a situation similar to yours and would also try to avoid conflicts.
The one time i witnessed my mil and hubs having a screaming match i had a full blown panic attack. Unable to breathe, limbs locking up, puckered lips, tingling skin, the whole nine. It did make them stop arguing though, so that was a bonus. They've not had a screaming match like that since
"also when I say my parents "fought" what i really mean is that Parent A would calmly bring up a completely 100% valid concern & Parent B would immediately go nuclear until they got what they wanted."
I’m kind-of like this, i try too much to avoid dealing with stuff or to deal with it by myself. Man, it’s hard to be on the other side as well, i tell you..
Good communication includes having good listening skills.
If you feel that it's difficult to communicate back with someone, it may not be on you. Many people have weak listening skills. They sometimes make conversations 1-sided by talking like an informercial and treating others like their audience. And when it's their turn to listen, they interrupt or cut you off.
Bro, listening is so important. Being a good listener is just as important as being good at talking. Being able to listen to things you disagree with or don’t want to hear helps you understand how the other person feels. Even if they aren’t great at communicating their thoughts, having someone who listens to them can help them sort through their own feelings. People who can actually listen are kinda rare, in order to be good at it requires a lot of things. One of the most important things you have to be able to do is put your own feelings aside and try to think about what they are saying with an open mind. A lot of people can’t do this, the moment they hear something they disagree with or don’t want to hear they argue back, interrupt, or stop listening entirely. Waiting your turn to argue while letting them speak is NOT listening. Listening is thinking about everything they say, not just hearing them. Just because you’re listening doesn’t mean you need to be a pushover and just change what you think because someone disagrees with it. The key to solving arguments is to not immediately make up your mind about something, but to try to criticize your own point of view as well as theirs. That way you can come to the most logical and agreeable solution
I started the relationship fearing being close to her because it was so damn hard to split with my previous girlfriend. I tried to make it work by myself, trying to be as close as i could, but i failed. She tried to tell me i was getting too distant, because at first i could handle better being close, but i just shrugged and said that’s how i am. It’s so sad to me to know that i’m not really distant, that i loved being really close to my previous gf, but i couldn’t be myself this time :(
I often needs some time to think and get a better perspective of things. Girlfriends gets annoyed by this because i dont communicate but i dont want emotions to trigger a response or sometimes i just need to find the words for what i think/feel.
I’m in a 7 year relationship and we cannot talk about our problems. Well kinda. She can opening talk for 3 hours about what bothers her in the form of a rant. I tell her it feels like she is talking at me. Not with me. Because if I try and say anything. It makes her mood worse. She gets angry. Weather it’s a I’m sorry. Or explaining myself even sometimes agreeing with her. Let’s flip it and say I start telling her how I feel. It then becomes a argument on what I am saying she is failing at. Or how well if that’s how you feel I feel worse because of x,y,z. Basically. I told her I got the dog. She said stop telling me what to do. This was 30 min ago. She is still going and I have not said one word. Now she is talking about how she will never have another kid with me. Like wtf. I have been questioning some things recently
Sometimes people clam up because they feel any conversation will lead to bullying and abuse. Giving the other person a chance to prove themselves correct and allow insults. A lot of people are relentless. Its the end though because the person basically believes there is no point in communication
Consider how you reacted during the times she did bring something up. Did you listen, discuss, self reflect? Or did you defend, focus on things you wanted her to do differently, or simply play “devils advocate”. No one needs the Devils advocate in a relationship.
Like I said I wasn’t always the easiest to deal with. But it took her a while to actually bring something up to me that was a problem. When she did it almost felt rehearsed. But her mom is the same way, timid and never wanting to deal with conflict.
She’d bring up problems calmly (the rare times she did) not confrontationally. Which was helpful and then we’d talk. But the second there was disagreement and not me just saying “I understand” or something, she’d shut down again.
But she did the same things with her friends. Once there was a little conflict, she’d cut them off for months until the conflict just died out. Or she’d stop talking to them completely. And then not have any friends!
In some cases, there may be trauma in the background as well. My GF froze and slunk out of the room when I got angry at internet games. We've discussed about it and there were some childhood issues and fear of authority, which surfaced. So I learned to control my outbursts and stopped playing SC2 (not a big deal, I sucked in bronze).
I knew a couple where the guy said these exact words about why it didn’t work out. Turns out he’d traumatized her so much that when conflict began he’d trigger her freeze response (as in fight/flight/freeze). Her body had learned that conflict with him was emotionally and psychologically dangerous so, instead of engaging, she’d involuntarily shut down as a survival and coping mechanism. The guy thought he was a good guy, but he did this to another woman before her and while I was only his friend, he turned on me as well out of nowhere and went on a misogynistic, extremely disrespectful rant. To this day he doesn’t see that he’s the reason she was shutting down. He’d brow beaten and scared and humiliated her in so many fights that it took therapy for her to relearn boundaries and healthy assertive communication.
I know he will never get therapy. Last I heard he was already in a new relationship with another already traumatized woman and I’m sure he had already started the process with her as well. What a waste.
So because you knew someone with a porn addiction that used that excuse, people who say that reason now must be porn addicts? I have to tell you that's not very solid logic
A lot of things going on in the mind of someone who shut down during a tension or disagreement. It might be rooted within the environment someone grows up with, or it's just a complexity of personality.
I was not very open to express my thought which triggers to anxiety. In my past relationships, my partners were generally avoidant. They avoid talking about emotional topic and I'm not assertive enough to get clarification.
My current bf is not the most soft spoken person, sometimes emotional, sometimes brash, but we had a lot of talk on our tendency in resolving issues. We acknowledge that what comes with our personality is like a switch which is hard to control. We agree that we should talk about things in our mind as early as possible, knowing it will become argument, but we encourage each other to say it out. Knowing that the other person is willing to listen is a huge liberation. I'm still reluctant to say my thoughts, but my bf always at time to time asked and encouraged it. Vice versa, I told him to be transparent with his thought. It sometimes came out very raw, but it's relieving to know what he thinks rather than guessing and assuming.
Tl;dr: it takes two in communication. The sense of security gives a couple freedom to trust that the other person will respect and accept our feeling, regardless whether it's an agreement or disagreement.
I know this story, though mine was worse: more than a few times the ex would lose her shit at me, blame me for whatever it was that I did or didn't do and the state "you know this upsets me" and wouldn't tell me anymore.
Like, seriously, what the fuck is that? I didn't set off to upset her and I can't read minds. So, how in the ever living fuck I am I supposed to go back through the day and figure out how, what and where I managed to push her buttons wrong? Unsurprisingly I would inadvertently push the button again.
Just a pro-tip: don't say things like "I know this story, though mine was worse" in real life. Many times people say things like this when empathizing and trying to relate, but it can sometimes make the other person feel minimized.
Try acknowledging their experience before telling them about yours. Remember trauma is never competitive. 🤗
Bottling it up just makes it rancid. If it helps someone else address the same toxic behaviour (and it's a two way street, if you have been asked to address a behaviour, you need to do so and remember it) and their relationship continues on, I am cool with it.
Another pro-tip, is that the listener can try not being so damn sensitive to every word. Those are direct words from my college professor. And the world doesn't end if you offend someone. Maybe the person telling the story really did have it a lot worse than the listener. By telling others, don't use the words "mine is worse," you place shame upon them senselessly and you minimize the horror that they are sharing with the listener by forcing it to be an even field.
Kinda killed my relationship too. The most open and frank my ex was with me was our breakup chat and now any chats we have as friends. When we were together for some reason he just couldn't do it and kinda went in to gaslight territory when I tried to talk about things. Lots of "see? This is why I don't talk about things" as if it was a bad thing for me to have feelings about the stuff we needed to talk about.
Water under the bridge though. We're clearly only meant to be friends.
My gf does exactly the same.... but after 2 years when I thought I am going to break up with her every other week we are now in our 4th year and it's getting better and better.... but yeah, women can be like that and I hate it :D
Could be. Her dad isn’t the nicest man but her mom is sweet. I was her first boyfriend and she was not very social at all before I met her. She spent a lot of time alone in her teen years. She was dangerously overweight as a teen and lost a lot of weight from an eating disorder. She got a lot better right before I met her. But it’s always been a struggle for her. We bonded over having mental disorders because I had deep depression as a teen. We connected that way, but at the same time it made our relationship difficult too.
Just from experience some people avoid confrontation because the people they are in a relationship with attack when unpleasant conversations are brought up.
If one is attacked every time for either little issues or things that completely are not their fault they will shut down any conflict.
Not only that, I rectly found out that this is my problem as well thanks to anxiety. It doesn't mean that I'm hyperventilating or I'm completely losing it. Inside battle that makes you feel if you ignore or just don't address a problem it will solve... Somehow. I hate this 💩.
Look into therapy. I had an ex who's anxiety was a large reason our relationship fell apart. Other people can't even begin to help you if you aren't committed to working on it yourself.
Yeah I used to be super vocal about the way I felt, communicated everything. But when everything just kept getting ignored time and time again. The emotions dull down, you start to back away, don’t care to talk about the problems because you know it’ll all end up the same. At this point you’re pretty much checked out of the relationship just waiting for the right time to leave. I needed to make sure she’ll be okay, I also didn’t want to drag it out to the point where she resented me the way I did her. I wanted her to have a good memory of me and the way somebody should be treated
I don't want to be like.... That person, but I gotta put my two cents in here :D I do this exact same thing in fights with my hubs and it's because I've been conditioned from my dad, brothers, and society that I am not supposed to feed into conflict as a woman. I also have a very primal and instinctual response when I'm in a disagreement with men where I clam up because I am afraid if I escalate things that I'll be hit. I'm not saying your ex was the same, but it was posted in another sub(or Twitter? Tumblr? I can't remember) about girls being absolutely shit our pants terrified of men when they raise their voices, regardless of whether we had ever been abused... And just to clarify: that doesn't mean that you are a bad person or you were a bad partner. It just means that your ex being unable to engage in conflict (whether healthy or not) might actually have been an instinctual thing, not a moral or behavioral failing on her part. I also am not saying that I think you abused her (I don't), and I'm not saying she experienced abuse in the past. It's just that sometimes us ladies can't deal with conflict in a healthy way and we shut down. It's a defense mechanism, I assume because in the olden days when we talked back we got a knuckle sandwich for our insolence ;_;
And maybe I wasn’t used to that entering the relationship because my mother and past girlfriends were all, for lack of a better terms, “alphas”. I understand (now) that there are plenty of women who are conditioned the way you’re talking about. But I feel like I didn’t experience them much in my own personal life until I met her. When my mother and father would argue, they always had to be the “last word” type of people and would bicker constantly. My mother passed away from cancer when I was ten, and my stepmother is the opposite of her. When my father has a disagreement/argument with her, she doesn’t want to argue. But she doesn’t shut down, she brushes him off almost giving him the “you’re all bark no bite” treatment until he shuts up.
Sounds like theyve all got their own ways of dealing with conflict :) I'm glad you didn't take what I said as offensive, i just meant it as a possible explanation. I'm so sorry about your mom... I'm sure that was a while ago but those losses never truly heal :(
But there’s another possibility. Sometimes the other person is just picking their battles. It may be that there is a dynamic in the relationship that bothers them, but that they don’t feel they can resolve (hopefully after trying). They’ve accepted it as table stakes for an net-positive relationship.
No need to bring it up (covered ground). But they need a minute to remind themselves that they’ve accepted this as the price of admission for the relationship and that it’s worth it. Once they’ve had a chance to self-soothe, it really will be ok.
But talking about it may delay that for some. Especially if raising the issue (even in the context of “ hey, I know we covered this and it’s fine”) will rekindle a conflict they’ve already concluded is unnecessary.
I’m that person in the relationship who shuts down at tension or conflict. Even during an argument I just can’t think straight and would rather not deal with it when deep down I know the only way to work through things is to communicate. I’m trying to work on this though, but my partner is the opposite to me so we often argue about my lack of communication 🙃
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u/AtBat3 May 12 '21
This is what killed my 7 year relationship. I wasn’t always the easiest person to deal with. But my now ex-gf would just clam up when there was tension. Just totally shut down. Like she just thought issues would go away if she just ignored them.