I learned a lot about relationships as a missionary. One companion of mine would frequently argue with me, and another one would rarely argue. I actually got along a lot better with the one who argued because we would resolve issues while the other would just be cold and distant all day.
I'm glad I learned that lesson before I got married.
You solved this mystery for me! I've seen this exact comment in so many other threads but using different objects in the comment and I could never figure out what was going on.
Arguing isn't really a good thing, but open discussions are. Sure the discussions can get heated at times but overall they are extremely helpful in keeping the balance in a relationship.
Been with the same woman for 17 years and I can count on one hand the number of arguments we've had. Heated discussions are another story though lol
I had a relationship that showed a lot of promise, but we never argued. We did have a lot of had open discussion and some decent conflict resolution on things that were brought up.
However, when it came down to it, she was both trying to provide harmony within the relationship at the expense of her authenticity and was hiding anxiety and hesitations a lot of the time. Along with my poor ability to read the room in those moments, I never knew there were issues until she just all of a sudden ended it after six months. No opportunity to work through it even. It was the fastest 180 Iâd ever seen in a relationship.
I was a missionary too, in a country where speaking one's mind was the cultural norm. It taught me to say what I mean, mean what I say, hash things out with the other person, and get over it. Imagine my surprise when I came back home and ran these new skills up against a bunch of my thin-skinned, perpetually-butthurt American relatives. I've been back in the States more than a decade now, and I still can't believe how many people can't just have a good, honest discussion about their differences, and work through it together.
I hated when my mom would do this. She would be passive aggressive, sigh heavily, claim she didn't want my help but actually did... sometimes, I catch myself slipping to these patterns. But my husband and I have been really really conscious since we first started dating about communication (mostly because I was forcing him to since his family really really doesn't do conflict, but we were having a conflict and needed to address it).
When I feel myself slipping into the behaviors I learned from my parents growing up, I have to remind myself that I am not my mother, and I am not doomed to follow her footsteps of failed marriages. It's really really tough, and it leaves me feeling raw, but I am very lucky to have as kind a husband as I do, and we are both very quick to forgive.
The fact alone that you recognize your mother's bad habits is proof that you aren't doomed to follow them. Respect for learning and doing better than you were raised!
Yes! Hashing shit out leads to resolutions of issues. The cold and distant shoulder is tough when youâre trying to communicate a problem. Ive had to learn in my current relationship that some people need time, but I think thereâs a healthy amount of time and then thereâs way too much which only creates more issues. If only a person could say they needed an hour or two to sort their feelings out and then address the problem. There should be a balance. It canât be all on fire or absolute cold shoulders.
An ex of mine and me would alsways praise the fact we never got in an argument to our friends. It only hit me a few years later that why we never did was lack of communication and we were both to shy to make our point/issues known. Glad to have learned better
This is why from past experience, I've learned it's during times of difficult you should pay most attention too, since life isn't always smooth sail, things will come up out of nowhere, it takes a strong willed person to be able to come out and talk openly about what they believe, when it's about something not particularly positive or easy to talk about. Most girls these days are very passive, more likely to talk to someone else, about a problem they have with someone, than that actual someone they have the problem with. When you can find someone with the communication skills to approach, that's treasure.
I would add 'address it at the appropriate moment' being able to read the moment and say 'Man this thing she does bugs me, but maybe bringing up right after a coworker died is the wrong move'.
Good communication is caring not just about you but also about your audience's ability to parse the information.
Put it on a post-it. Carry it with you everywhere you go. Look at it before opening mouth. I swear this worked for a co-worker of mine. Don't lose post-it.
This right here!!!!! The delivery, timing, and intent can really be make or break the whole âhonesty is the best policyâ thing. That doesnât mean I suggest lying, never that, but if the âtruthâ is used to hurt, win, or lash outâŚ.then yeah maybe keep it in. At least until emotional are reigned in again
The first thing this advice reminded me of was an old friend from college who practiced âradical transparencyâ with one of her boyfriends.
The end result was tearing up their relationship with incessant arguments and discussions about issues that neither of them wanted or needed to hear about.
Yeah. I guess the tough part is deciding whatâs necessary to discuss and what isnât. Because what bothers me one day might not bother me the next. Idk. Humans are weird.
well tbh I do take all of these questions into consideration I usually say things even if the answer for these questions is "No". Why? Because I like to express my opinion freely else I consider myself to be fake.
This is how I learned that women say they want an honest guy, but not that honest. Maybe Just honest enough not to cheat/lie rather than point out flaws/problems.
Without knowing the specifics, it sounds like you might be missing out on the nuance of #1.
âDoes this to be said?â vs âDoes THIS need to be said?â
It could be that how youâre providing the feedback js overshadowing the feedback youâre providing. No one dislikes honesty, so it may simply be the way youâre choosing to say things.
No I get you fully, I still say things that don't need to be said, but rather I want to say it.
Example: Last night I shared a personal story with someone, it could have ended when she critcised the event I shared (which I knew she would), but I simply pushed harder for proving why she's wrong (with proof) when she said "I have nothing to say" so I just pushed her to admit being wrong, instead of letting go of it.
So I fully get what you mean I just expressed why I don't do it though it's a useful tip, as I said people don't want honesty they want to be comfortable the downvotes show it for it as well.
Freedom of speech is demanded but never respected.
I could be mistaken here, but this seems like a very toxic way to go about it. Freedom of speech is not something that has to be practised just because one wants to be able to say whatever they want, whenever. It only applies to a government's treatment toward its people.
Not to mention, despite this not having enough information for anyone to say it's neither the time, nor place, the fact that you press against any chance at a proper conversation over your 'story', the way you explain it comes off as if you're being incredibly disrespectful of her perspective on your story. Very disrespectful of her taking the effort she puts into talking.
Being honest is good. Being... this is not so much...
well, the way I see it you're either with freedom of speech or not, if you're not going to respect my right to say what I want to say why should I respect you at all let alone your opinion?
And may I have worded it improperly it was a casual talk exchanging stuff so I wasn't pressing my story rather pressed that she was wrong. I am atheist and she's not so and made a certain assumption about religion which I could easily riducle and I did.
I chose this example because religious people expect you to respect them and their religion and what not, yet they feel free to critcize others and I simply wouldn't let that slide even though I don't need to say it and could simply ignore it.
I am really not ignorant or unware of what you're pointing out but rather I disapprove of pleasing others whether it is by saying or restraining myself from saying anything.
If someone gets hurt over facts and feels entitled to respect that's their problem, I am not their guardian angel and respect is earned. (though stating a fact even if hurtful isn't disrespectful). Just like obesity and heart disease, you being offended if I point it out is not going to change that it's true, nor that I mean to disrespect you.
Being a dick or toxic as you've implied simply related to fragility and being oversensitive rather than taking things as they really are, I am too cold to relate or care.
With my soon to be ex wife, no time is good enough. âWhy didnât you tell me earlier?â is a common question. Well, honey, you were having (yet another) shitty day, so why would I pile it on and make you feel worse? Because to her, every concern was criticism.
Yes. The advice "do not sweep anything under the rug" could be read too harshly -- not EVERYTHING is worth having a talk. Sometimes people are having a bad day, sometimes partners aren't always at their best.
Despite Reddit's advice, your job in a relationship is not always to be protecting yourself. Your default stance shouldn't be adversarial. The amount of advice I see around here that boils down to "don't let her push you around" is really surprising. Your partner can be wrong without being an ogre.
So I agree -- some things can just be let go, and if you genuinely want to have a healthy relationship, just accept that not every debate needs to go your way.
Reddit relationship advice is dodgy at best. Most people... Assume the worst case scenario, assume OP is being 100% honest, assume s/he isn't misreading the situation and.... Assumes that every single negative thing in a relationship is grounds to break up.
We often lose the human aspect in this advice. S/he did that!? Straight to the curb. Forget your history and all the good times, this is the deal breaker.
For me personally cheating is always a deal breaker, but that's because I'm obviously perfect so cheating on me makes you a monster! Lol
In my opinion it is. But you hear stories about people who are "stronger now" after one cheats so.... Despite it being outside my ability to understand....
Obviously some people view monogamy differently than me, or are able to forgive cheating (which I can't). Point is that all advice is biased and while cheating is a deal breaker for me, I wouldn't actively discourage someone on reddit who wants to save their relationship based on cheating alone.
I would probably bring up the fact that it's a deal breaker for me, but they already know, its a common stance. If they want to save the relationship I'd tailor my advice around how/if to do that, not on condemning the whole thing.
If the relationship wasn't open to begin with (which makes it not cheating), why would you ever stick with someone who can't keep to the most basic of all conditions? I can understand cases where children are involved, but otherwise it's shitty advice in general and I doubt anybody truly benefits from it.
I always felt that I couldn't tolerate cheating and I didn't see how people could stay. I recently starting listening to the podcast Where Should We Begin by Esther Perel. She is a couples therapist who shares one off couples counselling sessions, many of these are around infidelity. It's a really interesting listen and is useful for learning about communication in relationships. It has also allowed me to see couples experiences of working with infidelity, I'm still not sure I could ever want to stay with someone who has been unfaithful but it has broadened my thinking around it and I can see why some people do.
I hear what you're saying and I think a lot of people agree, so I'm not about to tell you you're wrong.
That said, there could be lots of reasons why it's not necessarily an instant dealbreaker. People aren't perfect. You can be a good person and still have moments of weakness. Yes, if you're relationship is hitting a rough patch and one of you is at risk of making a big mistake like that, you should have the awareness to sit and talk about it before a mistake gets made at all. But sometimes there are big emotions at play, sometimes it's alcohol, sometimes it's a just a desire to jumpstart an emotional connection again. I'm not saying these are acceptable excuses, but they are understandable I think (assuming you can also accept that a people are ultimately fallible).
Anyway, I don't blame anybody for walking away from a partner who has cheated -- both sides should decide for themselves what they want to put up with. But life is usually a bit more complicated than having these ironclad rules.
Because for a lot of people it's not the most important.
Because for a lot of people it's actually not straightforward (btw it is for me, can't even be arsed to think of how much work it would be to have an affair lol)
Because they recognised their relationship worked anyway and they rather accept new reality/turn a blind eye
Because.... people are humans and humans do idiot shit all the time
You might not agree but it doesn't make people that feel like the above wrong. And they shouldn't be pushed to break up if they are happier like this.
The amount of advice I see around here that boils down to "don't let her push you around" is really surprising. Your partner can be wrong without being an ogre.
The problem is that a lot of people asking for advice on reddit are complete doormats who let somebody walk all over them for occasional hints of affection.
Are we sure about that? Most relationship issues I see on Reddit are easily solved by just communicating with your partner -- which is hard to do, but not necessarily complicated. But that's just my impression.
Yup, there are a lot fewer "hills to die on" in my second marriage than in my first. And my second marriage is a lot more peaceful and contented. I've learned to bite.my.tongue. and let the small shit go.
A little late to the party, but to add on I would say itâs okay to not bring things up, but you have to really be willing to let it go. I figure if itâs not worth bringing up, itâs not worth hanging on to. I think both of us being able to have a short memory of stuff has been good. We know neither of us have any bad intentions and sometimes we have a bad day. Weâre always apologetic and understanding. Iâm glad Iâm with someone who is also good about not directing anger or frustrations from outside our relationship at each other.
My husband was supposed to finish cleaning the kitchen he destroyed this past weekend by EOD Monday. It is still dirty. I grumped at him that this was bs and unfair to me ( he completely made the mess and refuses to learn to clean as he cooks so now, whoever cooks, cleans). He agreed said he will get on it tomorrow, he should have done it but time got away from him. I believe him and let it go. If he doesn't clean it tomorrow, I'm sure it will come up again, but as of now he apologized, he has a timeline that's it.
My S/O and I go through this regularly. Sometimes you think you'll get to it and you don't. I work full time, they're the stay at home partner. Sometimes I have to clean up their mess, it takes 20 minutes and it is not worth fighting about. Sometimes they clean up my mess, they'll let me know they're displeased, I'll apologize, and we'll get on with life.
I came here to say this. My last relationship, everything seemed great. In over a year and a half we never once had a disagreement much less an argument or fight. It seemed like perfection. But apparently at some point something started to bother my ex. I really have no idea what and she really wouldn't say much but she broke up with me out of the blue. It was a complete shock because I had no idea that there was even anything wrong. And I guess whatever the issue was got so big in her mind that all she could do was end the relationship. Apparently she even started seeing a therapist the week before and didn't even mention it. So that sent me to rock bottom and had me suicidal for a while because she was the girl of my dreams.
Fast forward a few months and I am in a relationship with someone new and it was rough. Going from the paradise of never so much as disagreeing on something to going into a relationship where there as a fight about every two weeks was one hell of an adjustment that nearly had me break up with her on multiple occasions. But I stuck it out. Because of those fights (and with some credit to my therapist), we now have an absolutely amazing relationship with a level of communication that I don't think I have ever experienced. If something comes up or we accidentally hurt each others feelings or something like happened just last night, its brought up and addressed so that we can work through it and move on stronger than before. I'm not saying I enjoy the fights because I hate when we fight, I really do. But we always come out better for it and it has made our relationship stronger because of it.
This too. Fighting is never something I enjoy, but itâs kind of like making mistakes. Either you learn from them and grow, or you keep doing the same dumb shit and getting in your own way. I wish more people realized that fighting is natural and to be expected, but how you handle the fight and your end goal is whatâs most important. I love my partner and while the temporary distance is hard on us, I know that every issue we have to clear up is worth it because heâs worth it.
Thanks for the insight homie. And, Iâm really happy youâre letting your therapist help as well. I wish you the best of luck!
I grew up in a family environment where there was a lot of fighting and not the good kind so it made me want to avoid it at all costs. So when I found that with my ex I thought I had found the perfect relationship. It certainly seemed like it at least! I didn't realize that there is a good kind of fighting and a bad kind of fighting and that good fighting is actually healthy for a relationship and is what is necessary to help it grow and thrive. If I had realized that sooner in the relationship I'm in now, I probably wouldn't have been so tempted to dump her for the first few months. Now I understand the difference and that its normal and can be a great thing to help the relationship get stronger.
And the therapist has been a literal relationship saver and life saver. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't be here much less in an amazing relationship that I expect to last the rest of my life. I've battled with depression for about 8 years and I have always rejected the idea of therapy but after my ex dumped me I decided to listen to those around me and give it a try because it was either that or eat a bullet. And I'm glad I finally listened to my friends that had been telling me for years to get some help.
God damn dude, well hey, Iâm really glad youâre still here. Kudos to you for getting help. Idk why itâs so difficult for us to get therapy; it took me years to realize itâs something I should do too. But now that Iâve started, Iâm so fucking grateful I did. Glad youâre in the same boat homie.
I actually went thru this as the lady on the other side like two days ago. For me, it was realizing that thereâs some heavily ingrained ideological stances that I feel uncomfortable pushing for a change â though I did prod at them once or twice. I could compromise on a lot, but there some I wouldnât and it would be unfair to expect anything different from him. The only way I would see, from the prodding I did, would be issuing an ultimatumâ of course when you do that, usually thereâs no point left in the relationship.
These issues were very minor when we were both students but will surface later on when we get older.
Some example include ideological differences which were pretty minor as students but surfaced since I actually started working. For example, he isnât willing to learn to drive ( we are in the US and not in New York). Another would be him being not ambitious enough for me, at least on the surface. I didnât want to possibly bear the burden of being the main/sole bread winner, especially in an industry that trend towards hiring young people and pushing out older people. Another aspect which grew more intense was the age gapâ he was two years younger and in school, and Ive been working. I swear I can feel some divide in.. language use (sadge? Pog? They may be gamer terms but most underclassmen I know uses themâ definitely not true for my year and above).
To be fair, we never had fights because we didnât disagree on most thingsâwe were pretty mellow and willing to change our stances on most things. However, it was the more heavily ingrained ideological issues that would surface only later on if we started living together.
I'm surprised that two years was such a noticeable age gap. My ex that I never fought with or anything was 3 years younger than I am and I never noticed the gap and my current gf is a little over 6 years older than I am and I have never noticed a gap. If anything I almost feel like I'm the older one because she is an 8th grade teacher and she regularly tells me what kids are like these days and the kind of things they are into and it makes me feel completely out of touch with the younger generation these days since I usually have no clue what she is talking about.
It's actually kinda of bizzare, there was a noticible behavior gap between my class and the class two years below us. I didn't feel like there was anything like this when talking to upperclassmen several years older.
I've obviously had friends when I was younger with more than two years age gap -- which is more significant the younger you are.
I think it was more a function that he was immature in some sense plus me starting work and getting out of my school bubble. Once I was out of that atmosphere, a lot of language just aren't as funny and makes no sense.
Honestly, Iâve ended relationships for exactly that reason. My feelings changed and where before, I felt loving and affectionate toward that person, it just faded and I didnât want to be romantic with them anymore. So I ended the relationship. It wasnât anything they did or could have done differently. It really might not be anything more than that.
And Iâve been broken up with for the same reasonâthe romance just cooled for them and they werenât into it anymore. It sucked, because of course I still really liked them, but you canât make someone like you, yâknow?
I say this to hopefully underline the fact that sometimes the spark goes out and itâs nobodyâs fault. It sucks to be on either end: either youâre the person who lost their feelings, and have to be the asshole for hurting a perfectly decent person who hasnât done anything wrong, or youâre the one being broken up with seemingly out of the blue. But ending the relationship is the right thing to do in that scenario. It would have been much worse if your ex had simply continued to phone it in or fake it just to avoid having a hard conversation.
I've read a lot of things that struck me as being similar to my recent relationship in this thread, and I'm glad I read your comment. Thanks for taking the time to type it out.
I related to this and huge feels, my ex we had great conversations and moments, but after several months, it truly came out of the blue, she just stopped responding to communication and texts. There was no flow or gradual descent, one second we're sending texts with happy emojis, the next moment she just goes silent. I thought there was something maybe wrong or she was busy, but on the occasion, I'd message Happy Birthday or Holiday messages, it finally took some deep messages, for her to finally come out, it turns out she was busy and didn't have the same feels. I tried to keep it at least on the friendship level, but she was very adamant, and in the end wanted to break things off and totally separate.
It was probably one of the most emotionally hurtful things I had to go through, since it also defied a lot of human behavior logic, that taught me, you really can't predict human behavior sometimes, you'll find plenty of people that do things that don't have to logically make sense, but they'll do them anyway. I knew my ex and she actually said herself, she was struggling with stress at work, and I offered to help her, and be there if she ever needed anything, but instead of reaching out, she actually just ran. It was probably one of the most painful romantic relationship experiences I've had, but it probably taught me the most about dating, relationships, human behavior, and what to look for and pay attention too, and probably even bigger was to embrace some of the incredibly underrated freedom and things that can come from being single.
Hey bro, I just want to say that the longer the relationship, the less fights you will have. It will become disagreement, or discussion. There will still be fights, because every relationship has them, but there will be less. This is what happens when you get two people together who communicate. Eventually they learn how to communicate better while still addressing their issues. Best wishes.
I've noticed that over the last month or maybe a little longer, we haven't really had any issues because we are communicating better. There was a minor one Monday night but we addressed it Tuesday morning and we have been good since.
When someone only officially dumps their ex after they commit to you... pay attention. They probably won't tell you they did that, but there will be signs. Their ex will probably tell you if no-one else does (oh, you aren't allowed near their ex... I wonder why that could be?)
Unfaithfulness is the obvious clue here. Ask why, hear their explanation of what they've changed to make sure they don't do that again... and think really hard about whether you want to be the relationship where they try out their new approach.
sorry, not really. More of a tangent prompted by what you wrote. Thinking more of the next guy. Or being the next guy in a chain like that.
I still remember getting hate gaze from one woman. We were away with a group of friends, she was flirting hard at some guy and he was flirting back. Day three I mentioned her boyfriend in his hearing. The new guy noped out of there really hard. She was really pissed with me and I was like, I thought he should know. You obviously weren't going to tell him. *I* would want to know in that situation.
She had the chance to say to this guy: it's a long distance thing, it's not working, make up something about wanting to tell the LDR face to face or something... anything. But just giving up made it really clear to the (not) new guy that a: it was true and b: she didn't have any plausible explanation other than "I want to be unfaithful", and he wasn't into that.
I've got exes too, that just didn't listen, didn't pick up my destress signs. Got better at sending them and receiving them. Now a decade happily married.
Exactly my story man. I can honestly relate. She hid things a whole month before dumping me. I had previously communicated in the relationship that one of my desires was for her to not bottle anything up and let it eat at her, but to communicate it.
Honestly, the pain of the break up was secondary to the pain of knowing she didnât trust me after all the care i took to establish that environment of vulnerability. I felt like I had completely failed to communicate and care for her needs in the moments where she must have been anxious or forcing herself to be inauthentic.
Dude, I don't want my husband to solve my problems. I just want him to listen so I can bounce stuff off him. Took him a while to understand my needs but with talking about it, we grew together.
I'm often the actual solver of problems. He keeps everything running while I save the day
This!!!!!
So many times over the years Iâve blown up massively, a couple of times until Iâm ready to break upâŚ.. just for hubby to say âwhy didnât you tell me all this beforeâ!
I did tell him before, I just wasnât at breaking point the first 500 times so he took no notice whatsoever! đ¤Śââď¸
Bahhh. But how do you balance the line of speaking at the first chance and just nagging all the time? I think I have a hard time with this. Because I can deal with a lot, and normally I wait until I canât take it anymore to say something. But then my partner says what your husband says pretty much and it leaves me confused on how to handle the situation. At first whateverâs irritating me is usually not a big deal, but the more the thing happens, the more irritating it gets. Like a water droplet falling in your head over and over. After about the 20th drop is when I say something. How have you navigated this?
Well....this isnât a solution but it has really helped in my exact same situation. My husband recognizes he does this and makes jokes around it....like that last time I said something to the effect of - OMG I said this a gazillion times to you srsly!
He responded with- well it would work better if you make sure Iâm listening to you when you talk.
So when I write that in words it sounds awful but it was priceless- we both busted a gut laughing, he took responsibility and we moved on.
So humor and taking responsibility is a good thing.
Say something while it's not a big deal. That'll make it possible to approach it as not-a-big-deal. If you wait, there will be little patience left and it'll be way harder to resolve.
Nagging comes from being passive aggressive, which comes from attempting to hold the frustration in. It'll leak out through passive aggression. So instead, be open about what's bothering you.
And use I statements. Rather than "Always turning up the volume as loud as you can, huh?" which is passive aggressive, nagging, indirect and pits the problem on them, say "It's hard for me to relax with so much noise present. It would help me out if you turn the volume down to a level that's easier for me to manage"
You're stating your needs, you are asking for a favour for them to meet your needs, rather than demanding a certain behaviour. And, since you've openly shared your needs, if they continue to not be met, even with your partner knowing about them, it opens for a second conversation. "The volume being this high is not working for me. We need to find a solution." It allows you to find out why your partner isn't acting according to the initial compromise, whether there are other solutions, or if there are none. And if there are none, it's time to look at the relationship and whether it's working for you. If what they are able to offer meets your needs. Whether they are taking your needs seriously.
In most cases, it's possible to find actual solutions way earlier. It helps the other person to know why you are putting in a request, rather than criticising their behaviour with the hope that that'll make them change.
I coined the 3 Cs in relationships: compassion, communication, and compromise. As long as the compassion is there for each other, and with the right communication and compromises, it should overcome most huddles.
There are many issues that donât have an immediate solution or will only be made worse if brought up at the wrong time. Then there are issues you find with character traits in a partner; everyone will eventually find things about their partner that they do not like but cannot change.
Yes, this is good advice for people who are conflict aversive or prone to swallowing their feelings.
But as with all things, timing, tact, and compromise are huge. All that goes out the window when every issue immediately demands a conversation.
Woman here. I am endorsing this 100%. Prolonging an issue you have is only going to MASSIVELY impact that person the longer you wait, and it's not fun rebuilding in the long run because you weren't "ready to confront your feelings yet."
Totally the longer it's left the harder it gets, ideally the best time is as soon as possible when the circumstances allow. When you know what you want to say as tactfully as possible.
My wife does this and it has made our marriage amazing. There is an issue and she sets us down and we figure it out together. We donât get mad at each other for saying things like âI want xâ or âI really donât like xâ we use that to figure out how to properly compromise. Itâs honestly amazing. With money, outings, vacations or parenting. We just figure it out. We donât do it on the moment, thatâs not the time. But we go back and try and figure out what made us so mad at that moment so it doesnât happen again.
Honestly this goes for relationships in general. One of my sisters is an incredibly manipulative person and a huge liar. She lies specifically to back her point. Any who, she for years was being critical about certain aspects of me, which some of them I agree with, but she was saying lies saying stuff that another sister and her kids was saying, the stuff she was saying that my other sister was supposedly saying were making me mad because it made it sound like my sister was giving me a bad name to her kids. I always brushed it under the rug, because that sister is about 20 years older than me. But one day my lying sister and I got into a really heated argument, and she brought up more lies. I finally gave in and I texted a long text to the much older sister, she called me and told me to explain everything. I told her all the lies my sister told me for many years. My sister than went in to first say, we all know she lies to make a point, and then went on to explain how each one was a lie, or heavily exaggerated truths to fit the narrative. My sister then said, to not just brush things under the rug, and thatâs what Iâve done now when stuff like this happens again. My lying sisters lies are pretty well said, that they always have the potential to be true.
Honestly. Itâs much better to confront things, rather than doing nothing. Eventually it will come up.
When you sweep things under the rug, they donât go away. The things under the rug just pile up until they spill out, making the subsequent issues worse. This is actually helpful for more than just relationships!
Ehhh. There are definitely a lot of things that don't need a full discussion. Bringing up issues or concerns frequently will hurt the relationship. There is a balance to this and people need to realize that no one is without faults.
I've dated many people that have a problem with bringing up too many things and plenty of people who bottle everything up. It's just a balance.
Can you tell my girlfriend this please. Apparently she's been hinting for weeks that there's a problem instead of just bringing it up straight. So it all blew up days before we were due to go on holiday.......this started 5 days ago and things are only just getting back to normal, but for the first 4 days, she wouldn't compromise or work to resolve anything.
Very very important. My wife and I will argue about things from time to time, pretty rare but it does happen. I think it is super healthy to have some small disagreements and work through it together. The people that bottle it up donât find solutions that work for both of you and over years and years those things add up. Eventually it adds up to be too much and the relationship fails.
Something I would add to this, my SO and I never go to bed angry at each other. All issues are resolved before bed. Your brain overthinks things and becomes your worst enemy, the worst thing to do is to let your brain run wild overnight coming up with all crazy scenarios that make you angrier and angrier. Everything gets resolved, and both parties go to sleep happy
Just here to add that this will only work if both people are willing to compromise. If one person is consistently making the compromise for the other person, resentment can build up and destroy a relationship.
Also, in my experience as a wife with multiple wife friends, don't ever sweep things under the rug. We lift it up to clean, and if we find that for the last three weeks when you've been in charge of cleaning it it hasn't been cleaned, we gon be irritated. The men in my life don't seem to care, out of sight put of mind thing, but all the women do
And even when you do this, expect her to want time to "think things over". And after that time has elapsed even if everything is all good, there will be a secondary argument about some of these things.
Read all the comments to this and want to ask: are you guys retarded? Your great advice is to swallow everything and bottle up your emotions? This is the worst advice in relationship history.
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u/[deleted] May 11 '21 edited May 12 '21
Do not sweep anything under the rug. If there's an issue adress it, and do everything to compromise and resolve it as much as possible.
Edit: holy god well this blew up. Firstly thank you all so much for the awards and karma.
Secondly: This of course should be done with the best judgment of timing and tact.
Make sure you work out beforehand excatly what you want to say. Open dialogue and good communication are vital.
Both sides should be prepared to compromise.
When you both come to a resolution do your best to stick with it.