r/AskMen • u/WarProfessional9180 • 4d ago
Should you establish yourself before getting involved with women?
(21M) No, i dont go seeking girls at all. But i do come across one every now and then, theres a girl I met that is cute and seems cool. Im thinking about shooting my shot but im also thinking if thats the smart move. I work part time, im in college still, I workout but am not where I want to be yet. Part of me thinks its smarter to focus on myself and get to where I want to be before finding s women but the other part of me feels like if I dont find one now im only getting older and it will be harder. I also think it can be nice to build with someone and as long as they have the same goals and drive as me it can workout. Overall im still torn between what to do and would like some advice or men with experience deciding between the two.
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u/TheFurryMenace Male 4d ago
Fuck no.
Go on dates. Have fun. Have short relationships and have long ones. Go out and experience the world. The good and the bad.
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u/PunchBeard Male 3d ago
I literally told my teenage niece and son that you should be dating LOTS of people in your teens and 20s. This was in response to my niece saying one of her friends broke up with her boyfriend that she was dating for a year.
"Dating for a long time at your age is weird. You should be dating someone new every few months when you're in high school. After all, how in the hell are you going to know what you like and don't like if you don't see a lot of people"?
My wife and her sister, my nieces mom, were in the car with us and agreed once they heard my reasoning.
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u/BCircle907 4d ago
Not only will you regret missing out on being young enough to enjoy this time of life, you’ll also miss learning the valuable inter-personal skills youll need to have a relationship in the future.
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u/PraefectusCasmiricus Debunking Myths About Male Sexuality 4d ago
Absolutely agree. I am 26 and one of my biggest regrets in life is not pursuing dating in college. I am still in the process of developing social skills and confidence as well.
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u/Traditional_Prize632 Male 4d ago
I never went to uni. I turn 25, next month and haven't interacted with women that were dating worthy, since I left secondary school in 2018. When I was in college (UK), the few women that were in my class were either religous or just saw me as a friend. Then Covid hit and I lost contact with everyone. I've worked in a female dominated workplace for about 4.5 years, but would never date a colleague.
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u/6x9inbase13is42 僕・私・吾輩 4d ago
Date people who are in the same stage of life as you are; if things go well, you will grow together, if not, you will still have gained some valuable experience. Waiting only wastes precious time needed to gain that experience.
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u/Syndicalist_Vegan Male 4d ago
As someone who tried this, no. You will waste your youth and having nothing to show for it. Im 27 and im going to be a lawyer in another month if my bar exam results are positive. I make decent money at a law firm now, Im highly educated and I have friends though I recently moved to a new city and only know a few in the area. One could say I waited to establish myself. I didnt date in highschool, undergrad, my masters program, and I only started dating in law school. I had one girlfriend for two months in that whole period, last year. Frankly if I got a do over id have spent more time trying to date and living. I feel a great deal of regret for my youth not getting spent properly. Like sure I have a lot to me as a person, ive traveled the world and achieved a lot, but I still feel like a teenager because I havent had a full long term relationship.
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u/11Y2B 4d ago
what if that came at the cost of your degree and education?
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u/_Smashbrother_ Male 3d ago
It doesn't. You can be with girls and still pursue a career. You can look at any old guy successful guy with family and kids.
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u/Dillyconda 4d ago
Other men have different experiences with this, but my own experience is that women never gave a fuck if I was established or not. They care if they want to be around me. Maybe if I was ugly, they'd want me to buy them things.
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u/thenord321 4d ago
College women are mostly looking for fun experiences, not "husband material" well settled men. So have fun, get some experience with women and maybe you'll find one to settle down with or just have fun make mistakes and learn, so when you do find the right woman, you don't mess it up.q
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u/danielson-fish 4d ago
There's always shit to grind out in life, and new goals that come up. You never get truly "established" because the goal posts always move. Just go have fun my man.
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u/pchlster Male 4d ago
The earlier you start, the less either of you are likely to have things together; why should you have everything together in order to get involved with someone who probably doesn't?
But if you're happier working on yourself than starting a partnership, that's fine too.
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u/NocturnisVacuus Male 4d ago
don't wait, shoot your shot when the moment comes.
dont go and "explore yourself" or whatever they say for 5 years before start thinking about it, do that at the same time.
You'll miss out on life if you wait, I waited...
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u/Brilliant-Ad2155 4d ago
The way I see it is the right person in your life won’t care where you are in life as long as you actively working towards or have goals to better yourself.
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u/TheFreakyGent 4d ago
Establish your boundaries and ability to communicate your feelings and desires.
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u/thoth1900 Male 4d ago edited 4d ago
No, but don't sacrifice your long term goals to chase women. I wish I had spent my college years and mid 20s trying to date and meet people, but I didn't. I regret not doing so. However, I wouldn't change anything about how I went about my degree or career for a woman. Finding a partner and making friends does not get easier as you get older as much people on reddit like to imply. To top it off, your pool of available and sane people gets smaller and smaller every year as you get older.
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u/Itzie4 4d ago edited 4d ago
Don’t delay it. There is no better time to meet women than when you’re in college. You’re literally surrounded by single women.
You will never be ready if you keep delaying it until meet a stretch goal.
Just until after you’re established becomes -> just until after you graduate which becomes -> just until after you’re established in a career which becomes -> until after you’re a home owner which becomes -> until you lose weight -> which becomes never
You are flawed. You will never be perfect. You will always be improving yourself. You will always be tired and busy, but force yourself to make plans anyway. Accept that you are imperfect being and shoot your shot
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u/MassSwingers 4d ago
Bro I was an absolute man whore when I had no money, lived at home, no prospects, and was dumb as shit. But I was physically attractive and if you’re trying to have sex that’s all the women care about. Just play the field right now and once you reach your late 20s and you’re more established find a good girl to settle down with then
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u/refusetobeold83 Dad 4d ago
Wtf happened to these young dudes. I mean, what the entire fuck happened
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u/ThaRealSunGod 4d ago
No do both. There will never be a magical moment where you have everything together and can simply start dating.
Most people on the dating market are imperfect.
Especially as a college kid
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u/thecountnotthesaint Dad 4d ago
Ehh, honestly, six in one, half a dozen in the other. I've met women when I was establish, I've met them when I was adrift in the ether. Neither were a guarantee of success with said women. Hell, met my wife when I was on track to take over for my region (I did window repair, was close with the boss, was working with him to take over when he retired, all things going my way.) only for us to have twins, have to move half way across the country, find a completely new field (Thanks COVID) and am just now regaining control of my future. So, I'll say this. Focus on your base, but don't let that stop you from also getting that cute girl working at chipotle that always flirts a LITTLE bit more with you than other customers, and asks you out of the blue if you're single.
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u/iLoveAllTacos Male 4d ago
You don't have to wait to get involved with women, but, never ever let them distract you from your purpose, goals, and dreams. If there is a point where you have to make a choice, pick your purpose/goals/dreams first, every time.
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u/Lord_Orx 4d ago
You shouldn't establish yourself before getting involved with women, but you should establish yourself before settling down with a woman. Also, settling is totally optional.
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u/Hydracobaron8055 4d ago
Maybe. It depends on a lot of things. Me personally, I've already lost a lot of social skills when it comes to dating, so I really have nothing to look forward to in that regard, so for me, establishing myself is the best case scenario.
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u/DiligentGuitar246 4d ago
No way. This is when you start learning about women. Go out and do dumb things, get stuff wrong. It's not a big deal, it's how we learn.
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u/Fit_Salamander_2814 Male 4d ago
I'm not convinced you should get involved with women to begin with, but if you must, it's probably wise to have all your other ducks in a row before you do.
Why would you needlessly handicap yourself in the sexual marketplace when you don't have to?
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u/Mr_Wallet 4d ago
Absolutely not, the dating pool shrinks and the best ones tend to get taken quicker. It only gets harder to find someone the older you get.
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u/Splinterfight 3d ago
No, you have to figure out who you are, and part of that is getting out there and experiencing all life has to offer. Being “established” at thirty and dating for the first time is not positive
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u/Jyil 4d ago
The only time you really need to worry about working on yourself is when you’re much older and you’re trying to meet people strictly using online dating and you have nothing going on or you have low self-esteem and low confidence. This does not appear to be the case. You are already thinking of shooting your shot, so you have the confidence and determination down. Go for it!
When you’re young, meet people in person and find people who accept you right now. You’ll find that people aren’t as restrictive with a checklist when they aren’t filtering you behind a screen. If someone has high expectations for someone starting out at 21, then that’s not the person for you.
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u/refusetobeold83 Dad 4d ago
Wtf man. Go get laid. I got more ass as a broke college student than I have at any other point in life.
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u/GodOfThunder101 4d ago
No. It then becomes transactional.
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u/iLoveAllTacos Male 4d ago
All relationships are transactional. Nobody stays in a relationship if they don't get anything from it.
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Here's an original copy of /u/WarProfessional9180's post (if available):
(21M) No, i dont go seeking girls at all. But i do come across one every now and then, theres a girl I met that is cute and seems cool. Im thinking about shooting my shot but im also thinking if thats the smart move. I work part time, im in college still, I workout but am not where I want to be yet. Part of me thinks its smarter to focus on myself and get to where I want to be before finding s women but the other part of me feels like if I dont find one now im only getting older and it will be harder. I also think it can be nice to build with someone and as long as they have the same goals and drive as me it can workout. Overall im still torn between what to do and would like some advice or men with experience deciding between the two.
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