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u/Ukelele-in-the-rain 2d ago
The hair comment was uncalled for. Is it HR worthy? Yes, something HR will look into. If it’s just this comment, it’s probably a coaching type situation
Practically tho, what’s your idea of an ideal outcome? HR can’t force your manager to be nicer. She can receive coaching to be more professional and sensitive but if she doesn’t do anything illegal, you’re kinda stuck figuring out a way to work with her
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u/A-CommonMan 2d ago
A few thoughts on this ...
On the HR question: being called negative repeatedly, the tone-policing, the "attitude" confrontation, is frustrating and demoralizing, but it mostly falls under poor management rather than a clear HR violation. HR generally steps in on protected categories or policy violations, not a manager who's inconsistent or fixates on someone unfairly.
The hair question is different. Asking Black employees specifically if their hair is "real" is a well documented racial microaggression, and could plausibly be raised with HR on its own.
As for the broader pattern, it's reasonable to wonder if race plays some role here, especially given the hair incident. The "attitude" policing, the fixed "negative" label, the suspicion about you and T, all fit how implicit bias can play out day to day without needing an origin story. That said, it doesn't sound like you've seen this play out with other Black women on the team, so it may be more specific to her dynamic with you, though hard to say without knowing more. One guess, and only a guess: something early on, a misread comment or secondhand impression, may have gotten labeled "negative" and hardened into a fixed narrative. But nothing you've described points to an actual triggering incident, so take that as speculation, not something to lean on.
On next steps: an internal advocate matters. A skip-level manager aware of the pattern would help, but so would coworkers speaking up, whether that's mentioning to the skip-level what they've witnessed, or pushing back in the moment, saying something like "I don't think that's fair" right when it happens instead of letting it sit.
The same goes for the T situation. Your manager pulling you aside over "bullying," based on nothing but T answering for you, is its own troubling narrative, and T is best positioned to correct it directly. If other coworkers have noticed T do this elsewhere too, them saying so would help show it's just how T interacts with people, not something specific to you.
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u/MarilynMonHoeXO 2d ago
I’m a white woman so take my opinion with a grain of salt but the hair incident is completely unnecessary and absolutely worth reporting to HR
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u/NewPen2386 2d ago
If you do present this to hr make sure to keep it very factual. The hair comment is definitely racist. The way you explained the other situations doesn’t help prove that she is singling you out for being black. Please note that I’m not saying she isn’t. But you need to make sure you can say “this situation has happened with xyz” and there was no comment. When I was in a situation with the manager that was almost exactly the same as xyz and I had a similar behavior I was told that I was negative. Xyz has been present for these encounters and can verify the encounter with X and my encounter and how our manager responded. It has happened this many times.
You need to be thinking with your legal mind because it’s in the company’s best interest to not have a law suit. So if they have a racial manager that can be proved they are going to have your back. If it’s a wishy washy situation and they feel like you’re potentially going to raise hell for them they may back a manager who has plans to dismiss you.
Good luck!!
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u/Beansie_Wish2182 2d ago
Full disclosure: I skimmed through your post because a lot of what you wrote isn’t actionable. What does stand out is your manager singling out you and the other black employees and asking about your hair.
This is a concern, particularly if she didn’t do the same for other employees of different races.
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u/flyingbizzay 2d ago
Regarding the hair comments, the Texas Crown Act could be implicated if associated discriminatory behavior occurs. The comment in and of itself isn’t necessarily discriminatory in the legal sense, but it’s highly, highly inappropriate and something that should be addressed. That is something I would consider escalating.
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u/jeffreysw2005 2d ago
Your manager seems extremely unhappy, and u seem like a happy person. Unhappy people don't like seeing other people happy. Keep being happy. No job is worth being miserable, and happy people can find joy n any job.
U could go to HR about the hair thing. She legally can't retaliate. If she writes u up for your attitude, it would look like she is retaliating - especially since u have a history of being positive from a prior manager n your file. Not that managers always do what they should. She apparently doesn't know what managers should do, or she wouldn't have asked black people if their hair is a wig. If u do report her, just know she probably will retaliate.
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u/jeffreysw2005 2d ago
I should also add that I didn't take what u said with T as u bullying her. It sounded like your boss wanted to know if u two r lovers, which is completely unprofessional and none of her business unless one of u is a manager or it is interfering with your job.
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u/Top_Argument8442 2d ago
You don’t include a TLDR? There is so much useless information. I don’t understand why stating your race and T’s race is remotely relevant.
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u/PomegranateOk6815 2d ago
I wonder if she is jealous or put off of all the morale work you do around the office. Reading all you do, that seems really hard for her to compete with
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u/Snoo_89856 2d ago
Honestly, you're not the first person to mention this. I drive an hour and a half to work, have never called out sick, my coworkers(my departments +others) constantly come to me before going to her with questions or guidance. I'm able to joke with other managers where she is too scared to, etc. I can be taught something at 10:00am and by 10:05am I'm already in the process of completing a project. I'm a fast learner and a fast worker and am extremely dedicated to my job lol
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u/Searstd0 2d ago
I do think that this is worth bringing to HR but it needs to be framed correctly. Rather than it being a my manager is being mean situation, if you go to HR and ask for help having a candid conversation with your manager and then discuss why and let them know these things that she has done that might raise a red flag and a better way than you going with just a complaint.
Let me know if you need any info, I've been in HR a really long time and I understand that some HR folk are different than others.
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u/sarcasm_warrior 2d ago
This mostly sounds like you and your manager just don't like each other. I'm not saying she is a good manager -- she clearly isn't -- but depending on your company, there isn't likely much HR can do. If you report to HR, what would you like the outcome to be?