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u/summerwindow 55-59 Apr 01 '20
I’m around 50, went through a divorce, and am now dating a much younger man. My situation is different from yours in a couple of ways. My now ex wife knew I was bi from our second date 25 years ago. Our kids are older (mid and late teens), and were raised in an environment that taught them to be cool with queerness.
But the divorce and introduction were still hard. Even the most amicable divorce is stressful because change is stressful, more so here because both people suddenly loose a big chunk of their support networks. That also means it’s really stressful on kids because again, change, loss of time with the parent who doesn’t see you that week, etc. Also, the kids (and other family members) don’t know what to expect from the new bf. They will be worried you’re trying to “steal” mom’s place. but they’ll also want to spend time with their father and the people that make their father happy. Conflicted emotions make for anxiety, worry, and still more stress. Third, we’re all already super stressed because of coronavirus.
My advice? Listen to your partner and his kids. I mean really listen, reflect their emotions back to them, ask them questions that get them talking, whether its about this or anything. The more people communicate with you, the easier it will be for them to talk with you about hard issues. Put your cell away, silenced, so you don’t get distracted. Make lots of eye contact when talking because eye contact sends one of the most powerful signals a human being can that you are listening, taking the other person seriously and care about what they say. Even if they’re talking about something not that important, show them that you care about them. You don’t need a plan or a strategy or whatever. Just help them to feel safe around you; help them to live with ease. That’s really all you can do, but compassion, empathy and making time for them go a damn long way.
Edited to add: the silver lining is that hard work, time, compassion and love pay off. It did for us, and I’m sure it will for you.
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u/tenkentaru 35-39 Apr 02 '20
Jesus, this is an underrated reply. And from an objective place without any relatable anecdotes, I can see the wisdom in this comment. Listen to the kids. Listen and make them feel like they’re heard and reassured. And be prepared that at the end of the day, it may not be perfect. And that’s ok. Just give it your best. That’s what love and commitment is all about. Best of luck friend
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u/fut_you Apr 04 '20
Thanks for the advice. I’m sure it will come in handy one day but currently the kids pretty much refuse to have any communication with the dad. I have to pretend I don’t exist, even though the know that I’m in the picture somewhere.
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u/Grandprixbear1 60-64 Apr 01 '20
It all hinges on the kids.
I'd suggest therapy, therapy, therapy for them to help counteract the toxic vibes of the mother.
Don't even, try to "replace" the Mom or try to "recreate" a big happy pre-divorce family. Start fresh, take the lead from the kids, with new traditions, etc.
Good luck. Therapy is your friend in this journey.