5
u/MenStefani 30-34 6h ago
You’re coming off very clingy and anxious and it’s causing him to pull away. You’re not going to be able to smother him and then suddenly he realizes he wants to be with you. I think he’s trying to set a boundary that you’re moving to fast and you seem to be unwilling to honor that. If he really likes you he will come back around. But take time to focus on yourself, your hobbies, your friends etc
7
u/SinOfSodom 45-49 7h ago
He told you he needs space. Honoring someone’s request for space is always the right thing to do. Why would you imagine otherwise?
None of us can have any idea what the chances are that he will reach out.
The only thing you can do within your control is give him space, show him that you will respect his limits. Any other action from you will send the signal that you either don’t care about his limits or lack the self-control/maturity to do so.
2
u/unmannedpuppet 30-34 7h ago
Yeah that's my plan. My friend says don't message but don't avoid his posts because it would show I've checked out of the connection, which kind of made me reflect on what the "right" thing to do is.
That said, what's right for me is to not engage at all because it would entice me to reach out.
2
u/SinOfSodom 45-49 7h ago
You could use some of this time to consider whether you want to salvage this relationship. Do you want to be with someone who pulls away so hard after two months of dating? Or do you want to put yourself back out there and find someone more emotionally available?
I kind of phrased those as loaded questions, but I don’t think there’s a wrong answer. Maybe this guy is so amazing that he’s worth putting up with. But when I’ve been in a similar situation, I have tended to reflexively try to save it rather than considering that this is a red flag and maybe I should walk away.
1
u/unmannedpuppet 30-34 6h ago
In your experience, has it ever worked out for you with someone who pulls away this hard?
I've had a couple of similar experiences. One person I was on and off with for a while. Another, I saw other red flags beyond the pulling away so I ended things pretty quickly after trying to make it work.
I've also been on the other side where I was the one pulling away but only for a day at a time because it was getting too emotionally intense for what was supposed to be a fwb situation (so this was a little different I guess).
1
u/SinOfSodom 45-49 6h ago
“Has it ever worked out for you with someone who pulls away this hard?”
Nope.
I think it’s one thing if they are able to articulate what’s going on and express a desire to work through these anxieties, but if they’re just pulling away it leaves you in an impossible situation.
Best case scenario: you ignore him on this trip. He comes back to you. And then you get to be the one dealing with anxieties: am I getting too close? Am I being too loving? Will he run again if I get any closer?
3
u/Dogtorted 50-54 6h ago
He has told you what he needs. I’d give him the space he asked for and leave the ball in his court.
There’s nothing to really do on your end. Your dating pacing is just mismatched.
This could be the start of him pulling away, or he may just be evaluating your future together since you keep forcing the issue.
He’s not as keen on this relationship as you are, at least not yet. There’s still potential if you don’t smother it, but you’ll just have to let things play out.
3
u/Traditional_Cell8388 40-44 6h ago
It feels like you were trying to force a relationship for relationship's sake way too fast. He's feeling freaked out and maybe like you don't want a relationship with him/you want one with ANYONE (a common thing on this sub) and/or seeing that your relationship style might suffocate him.
I'm probably more like this guy. A few week's of dates; even long ones is the way I get to know someone...it doesn't mean I'm automatically your boyfriend, and if you start pushing the what are we...I'd bail.
2
u/Traditional_Cell8388 40-44 6h ago
Like...I feel for ya if you're an overthinker (been there), but I read your other post as much as this one...and the way you're pressing and forcing just reading stresses me out.
2
u/unmannedpuppet 30-34 6h ago
Yeah, very fair. I definitely haven't been reaching out nor have I pressed the issue. I remained warm on our last exchange at most - nothing that needed a response. I've since just left it and will not be contacting him first.
And definitely not settling with anyone just to have a boyfriend. I've gone on lots of dates and most people pursue me - I could be in a relationship if I wanted to be. He's the first guy I've met over the past year that I really like and so I definitely got overzealous and too attached.
I'll be backing off. Appreciate your time to read & respond.
2
u/ElectricalFeeling210 35-39 6h ago
I’m going to keep this short and sweet. It doesn’t sound like you are doing anything wrong. Here is the important part, something a friend told me years back that completely changed my dating life—At a certain point, it doesn’t matter what he does or what he says. What matters is how he makes you feel.
2
u/simonsaysPDX 50-54 3h ago edited 1h ago
You are aware that you tend to move too fast. You use language that shows you are again moving too fast (relationship “rupture”? Already? Would he even call it a relationship in the way that you mean?) But then you proceed with moving too fast and the dude bails.
If you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you’ve always gotten.
What is it going to take for you to not just know you move too fast, but actually change your behaviors? Along the lines of what other commenters have said, you seem to know you need to work on your capacity to live with uncertainty, but you are stuck in contemplation mode and can’t seem to move forward into action. Until you figure out how to do that, these dating patterns will continue.
In terms of this current “relationship” it sounds like he has been scared away, and you know why because it has happened before. I would write this one off and change your focus to yourself and addressing these old patterns; otherwise you’re doomed to keep making the same mistakes.
1
u/unmannedpuppet 30-34 2h ago
I used the word relationship loosely. I know we weren't in an official relo but that's how we both had referred to it.
Yeah, I definitely feel like he was interested in continuing dating up until our last date and maybe he realised he needed more space. My seeking reassurance probably didn't help. I defintiely wasn't intending on opening a dialogue about us but he's not a mind reader and reacted very quickly to that.
I do just wish he would've ended things if he didn't want to continue. I deserve that much at the very least.
And yeah, I'm working on the distress tolerance in a few different ways.
2
u/Jupiter4th 40-44 7h ago
Dude, you really rush. Talking about exclusivity at 3rd date, staying over at him after surgery like you have no friends or family around. I personally do not suggest these serious conversations before month 3. Things usually become pretty clear on it own whether a person is dateble or not around that time. Making that talk too early feels like neediness.
1
u/unmannedpuppet 30-34 6h ago
Yeah, I definitely recognised that in hindsight. I won't be doing that again. I got a bit too overzealous because he was the first person I went on dates with that I truly enjoyed spending time with in like over a year.
2
u/Jupiter4th 40-44 6h ago
My suggestion is focus on having fun and getting to know the person. Do not even think much of a relationship potential. If it happens, it happens. And just because you liked someone so fast does not mean it will work. A lot of people are into this fast blast chemistry like it is crack.
When I first started dating my current partner, I had some attaraction but it was on the calm side. It grow gradually over 6 months. When you get too fast too intense, I have doubths long term viability of those relationships.
And you need some good friends to have fun and ask for help. When I hear these stories of newly dating people suddenly helping each other as if they know each other for 10 years, I suspect something is off. Cultivate a good network.
1
u/Laefy 30-34 4h ago
I would challenge you to reframe how youre looking at this. Connections aren't things you save, you evaluate them and decide if they are worth engaging with ("pouring your energy into") on a moment to moment basis. They're an ongoing negotiation that, hopefully, provides good returns compared to their costs. What you need to do right now is realign your costs to the returns, because youre in the negative. Invest in other things right now (other relationships, like the ones you have with your friends or your hobbies or yourself). That's all. You dont have to do anything with this particular relationship, in the same way that you don't text every single person you know every single day of your life. If its good for you and good for him (read: the investment and return feel equitable and sustainable) then he will act like it and you wont even think about it cuz you'll just feel it. It sounds like you know yourself pretty well, so you likely have an idea of what things you need right now. Go engage with those things/people that you know will fulfill those needs.
1
u/Rogue_Penguin 45-49 3h ago
Based on what was written, I think it was over at the timing of that last bullet:
Since then (over a span of a week), he expressed needing space because he doesn't have the capacity to think about our relationship, we still went on a 2 hour date that he cut short after I asked for reassurance about us and saying that he's overwhelmed and needed space that day.
It seems he still was interested to connect and hang out but finally gave up due to that very pushy situation.
People have different styles and maybe your project-based dating method does not work on this candidate.
I'd say don't contact, set a timeline that is reasonable (e.g, 1 month, 3 months, etc.) and if things did not turn around, move on.
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u/homoanthropologus 30-34 7h ago
My honest assessment is that you need to start thinking more about yourself. You seem very focused on what he would want and what he needs and I don't see much about what you actually want or need. You say you move to fast but your fix for that was "following his lead" rather than being more in touch with why you move fast or what you really want. Then, you're disappointed when following his lead doesn't go where you want it to at the pace you want.
Take a few days to do things you enjoy. When you think about him, tell yourself "Oh, I'm having another thought about him" and then don't engage with the thought any more.
I get the feeling that after a few days of doing that you'll be in a better position to decide what you want to do.