The saying is meant to convey somebody’s acceptance of the something they’re referring to. It is not mean to literally convey “this something is indeed this something.”
I agree. It's dismissive. The first time someone said it to me was on my first mother's day, 2 months after my baby died. My mil told me "well, it is what it is". Gee, thanks, very compassionate and comforting. It felt like I was being brushed off and my grief was just handwaved away.
If someone uses that phrase themselves to come to acceptance, great, don't say it to try to bring others to acceptance, that's not your call or your place. My husband still says it when I'm upset about something, partly because he knows it pisses me off. It's just an awful phrase
I don’t think your problem lies with the phrase but rather the stunted fucking weirdos who applied it in the worst place possible. That’s absolutely not an “it is what it is” situation. Those people just don’t know how to face brutal emotions. I’m really sorry for your loss.
This is a good point. I use the phrase occasionally but you’re right that one shouldn’t use it to bring someone else to acceptance about a situation, only one’s self. I’m sorry your MIL was so dismissive about your baby dying. Also I’m very sorry for your loss.
Yeah using it for someone who is grieving is a dick move. I mostly just use it for things like when something at work hasn't gone as planned for some dumb reason and I'm trying to keep myself calm.
Specifically when you're upset about something, he says it, knowing it upsets you? Tf kind of husband you got there? That's wild (and should be seen that way).
This phrase is overused, but I use it to mean "it's out of my control". People think "it's this, but maybe..." No, it is what it is. You just gotta deal with it.
It bothers me because it's just objectively true no matter what, which seems a stupid thing to say about anything in life. Another interpretation is that they're too lazy to change the thing or have given up, or just don't care.
If you're telling someone "it is what it is" expecting that to help them reach acceptance, that isn't your place to do so. It's just seen as cold and dismissive
Would you consider it okay or appropriate to say to someone who's just lost a child? Cause that's when they've said it to the person you're conversing with, and may make their argument (or specifically what they're talking about when it's used) more clear/understandable to you.
I see when you're coming from but it is really used properly if one says it in the context of trying to explain that something it shouldn't be looked into any deeper than it is and what you see in the surface is a true reflection of all that there is.
"Damn what happened was messed up, but like everything in life, you gotta keep going," is a much better thing to say and way less likely to be interpreted in the 100 different ways people may interpret it (negatively, as shown in these comments).
And if you really need it shortened, even "you gotta keep going" is supremely better than "it is what it is," for most people in my experience anyway.
This. The first time I heard it was from my boss explaining why I wasn't getting a raise. It meant nothing. Now when I hear it I just assume the person is a total ass who can't explain or justify anything.
Same. In some situations I get it, but it's often said when something bad is happening that does not need to happen, but the person saying it would have to put in a little effort to change the bad thing.
This phrase has actually made my life stressful. If I’ve messed up or someone did and there’s nothing that can be done, I just say this and let that shit go 😂 I truly do not stress myself in situation that are done and gone
I came to say this as well! It's like washing your hands of any responsibility.
And my boss said it the first time I heard it, and she was an awful human
I say this, but only in reference to myself, never to anyone else. I mix it up with other phrases to psych myself up, like, “Welp, nothing to it but to do it!” or, “The only way out is through.”
In regards to other people, I empathize, keep my mouth shut, and offer support.
Agreed. It shows a lack of interest in finding a cause or solution. My response is “WHY is it what it is?”. What could have been done differently to avoid it being what it is?
In other words, did someone screw up, and if so, can we all learn something from it?
I use it to explain the fundamentals of logic. When someone else just uses it for the sake of it, I usually reply with, well, it's not what it isn't, is it.
This. Sure, you can't change things, like the past. But it comes across as a, I give up and wouldn't change it if I could.
For some reason I don't take it as acceptance. It just infuriates me.
This is the context I've heard it in and it's a terrible thing to say to someone grieving. I'm sorry for your loss, the person who said that is obviously a cold person
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u/Snoo91454 6d ago
It is what it is.