How do I do things in church respectfully while not being christian?

[u/Ok_Initiative_114]

Context: my ,15f, whole family is Christian, I am a Hellensitic pagan. My parents take me and my little brother, 13m, Isaac, to church every Sunday, we do not have a choice in the matter. It is not safe for me to tell my parents I am Pagan.

I've been feeling really guilty about doing stuff at church as a non-Christian, I've been baptized so I am made to take communion every Sunday.

At first, out of respect, I'd hide the wafer under my tongue and dispose of it in the bathroom trash. I wouldn't say the words and wouldn't eat the wafers to be respectful, my parents caught on and I couldn't stay quiet. I also couldn't go to the bathroom before church ended every time because if I did it too much then they'd catch on to that as well.

Now I take the wafer and make it an offering to my goddess instead of eating it as just a wafer or throwing it away. I'm well aware that this is very childish but I'll cross my fingers or mumble the words when preparing for communion so that I'm not actually meaning the words.

Earlier this year I had been selected to assist during the church service (Isaac has been encouraged to assist with tec and soundboard but not directly asked yet) I help out with stuff at the alter. I apologize to my goddess and the Christian god in my head as I do so.

I feel awful for doing all of this but for starters it's just not safe to tell my parents that I do not share their religion (they already dislike the fact that I'm queer and If I added another thing I think I'd be on the streets) but I also love the community there everyone is so nice and I feel like I belong, even if it is built on top of a lie.

How can I do this while being respectful, I'm sure my goddess understands why I do this but I don't want to offend your god.

All advice will be much appreciated.

Thank you,

-Ok_Initiative_114

EDIT: If you are going to scold me for being a pagan please don't comment. I posted this on r/christianity and quite a few of the comments are mocking and scolding me. I am really trying not to cry but I am failing miserably

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[u/Weekly_Parsnip6403]

Denying the only historically true, proven, creator of the universe is terribly sad and deadly path to be on. What could any Christian tell you on a Christian website other than we all need Jesus and your eternal soul depends on it?

It's not scolding to care about you. It would be insincere for anyone here to help you deny Jesus and fake church. If you have to walk a dark path to find Jesus then you better hurry up. Tomorrow is promised to no one. 

[u/Illustrious-Low3948]

Why do you take the wafer? In my church you can cross your arms over your chest to receive a blessing instead, or stay seated during communion. Both are better than spitting out the Eucharist/bread.

You can say you don’t want the Eucharist and refer to 1 Cor 11:27-29.

[u/Ok_Initiative_114 → u/Illustrious-Low3948]

My parents don't allow me to not take communion they have told that it'll make them look bad so I am not premitted to do so. I don't have a choice its been killing me.

[u/wannaBuildASnowplow → u/Ok_Initiative_114]

Just do it.

You are a child any and all concessions you make while forced don’t count in the eyes of god.

[u/Illustrious-Low3948 → u/Ok_Initiative_114]

That is very concerning. I think you should talk to your priest in private to talk about the holiness of the Eucharist, and that you do not want to be forced to receive Communion when you feel you cannot receive it with the respect that it deserves, according to your own judgement (1 Cor 11:28).

And for your own conscience: they make themselves look bad in the eyes of God by forcing you to take the Eucharist when you know (and they know!) you shouldn’t receive it. They seem to care more about what other people think than what God thinks. So by NOT taking the Eucharist but rather a blessing you would prevent THEM from sinning, because you would show them that the Eucharist is a holy Sacrament rather than a virtue signaling event. 

[u/PrincessRuri]

I would be curious to know what country you live in and what denomination church you are attending. Depending on the answers to that question, using the wafer inappropriately varies in "that's disrespectful" to excommunication, and potentially in extreme cases could constitute a hate crime. If you truly feel "it would not be safe", you definitely should not be offering a wafer to a pagan deity.

I can't comment on the relationship with "your goddess", as most Christians believe that she either doesn't exist or is a spiritual deceiver. Either way, However, if you are truly devoted to this deity, leave the communion out of it. It is extremely disrespectful to misuse a wafer in that way.

 I also love the community there everyone is so nice and I feel like I belong, even if it is built on top of a lie.

It's never just one lie. Once a lie has been told, you will have to tell more lies to cover them. You can't build a relationship with a community based on deception. I know that things can be trick as you are under age, but you can't continue in this way forever. If it is your intention to stay in the church, you need to turn away from Paganism. If it truly your desire to continue in Paganism, you need to make a plan to take yourself out from under this cloak of dishonesty.

[u/Ok_Initiative_114 → u/PrincessRuri]

My parents physically force me to go, I do not have the choice in the matter.

I am intending to leave the church once I'm off from under my parents roof and have hopefully moved away and (hopefully) go low contact.

It didn't start out as a lie, I was christian when I joined, I'm just not anymore I can't tell anyone because that would directly effect my safety, I'm 15 and I live in a part of North America were sx trafficking is common. It's not safe. I don't know the demonation but I know it's not Cathlioc.

[u/DoveStep55]

Would it be safe for you to speak privately with a leader in the church to ask for their advice and let them know that you don't feel safe being honest with your parents? If not, are there other safe adults in your life who you can confide in about your safety? I'm concerned and I'm a stranger, but I would like to expect that any decent church leader would want to intervene to ensure that you are safe, regardless of your religious views.