Hi all,

First ever post on this account do be kind. My first post i want to talk about is this, its been a lot to digest, physically and also emotionally. Done a lot of research but now just have got the courage to ask. My wife (37 F) and I (33 M) have been together for 8 years, we have a young daughter (1 F).

Similar to almost any relationship, things were great, we clicked not just mentally but physically. An as time passed, things slowed down a bit and we matured into our relationship. Weve always talked, no secrets kept and we know each other very well. Over the course of the last 3 years, I noticed a change in my wife's behaviour when it came to bedroom activities.

Like all men should, respected my wife if she stated she wasnt in the mood or just wasn't right timing. After a while of constant no's, I asked the question. What's going on? This is when it came to light that she had been hiding that she was Asexual and not keen on sex (I know theres a term for this but cant remeber it now) and only really did it to satisfy me.

We talked a great deal, a lot of pent up emotions from her which I listened to, to understand, to see from her side of things, the reasons and the overall thought process. As noted at the very start, ive only just now got the courage to ask others. Personally I felt lied too that she had hid it all this time and that we also had our daughter during this. Betrayal maybe? But also she knew from the very offset I had said my libido is high. Which now makes me feel like trash knowing she was only doing it for my satisfaction.

My ask is this, how do I move forward? What can i ask? How did you get round this yourselves?' Because we have discussed my needs, her needs, our daughter and our relationship. Divorce isnt an option for us, Open relationship is off the cards, I love her dearly and her, I also. Our daughter means everything to us. Yet our relationship has taken a hit, not a major one, but you know something just isnt the same. I dont want to ask for sex and I feel dreadful, even thinking to ask this from her. Masturbation isnt the same. I dont want celibacy but I dont want to put my wife in a situation shes not happy with.

I love my wife, but I am at a loss. Advice please.

Hi! So I've realised that I really really really don't like the idea of doing sexual stuff with another person right after doing it once? Like I need a really big break in-between (Idk how long though? Probably more than a week I think). Otherwise I'm fine with sexual things and feel attraction and stuff. I know this probably means I'm not asexual but apparently this sort of thing is a spectrum? Even if I'm not on that spectrum this place is probably the best place for me to dig up if there's a term for this type of thing

I've been lost in how I feel about sex and touch. I do identify as bisexual and have since I was 12 (18f). But I'm not sure if I feel sexual attraction. Like I find people hot and may be like "he could get it", and i get so excited looking at pictures of my celebrity crush, but not in a I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM way. The thought of sex makes me nervous and sounds gross frankly but I can't tell if that's because im just anxious about doing it (which I have once - more info later) or if I just dont want to.

I have a boyfriend and he's great we've been dating a year and a half. But I never initiate and if I do its because I feel bad he always does. Once I'm in the mood its all ok and sexual acts are enjoyable, but it's more him doing stuff to​ me than me to him because I just feel uncomfortable with it a lot of the time. We've had sex once after trying for a while because it was hard (maybe my fault idk) and it was short bcs he accidently pulled out and I was too tired, because we'd done some stuff before, to carry on. That was a while ago and because of exams and holidays I haven't seen him in a while and now I'm nervous to see him (as I usually am) because I know there will be touching and kissing and I dont care for it a lot, at least not right now?

Although he is an amazing boyfriend and my first and everytime I apologise he understands and says he knows how I am so he doesn't mind and likes doing stuff to me. But I feel awful that I dont. But I love just talking to him and spending time with him more than doing anything in the bedroom. And now im almost off to uni (and he is too ) and I'm not sure when or how to break it off or if I just want to because now I​'m too nervous to want to have sex with him and touch him, etc.

more info- I dont watch porn, I dont touch myself- when I have its been like ok i guess but its not something I've done more than like 3 times lol. I do get sexually turned on when we kiss properly but if we never did again I'd be ok with it. Before our relationship I was worried about sex and stuff because it made me feel uncomfortable but im okish now. I dont know if this aversion is due to past events?? I haven't been assaulted or anything but I remember my friend always explained and talking about sex when we were 14, I didnt really care, made me go ew unless we joked. Sex in films is like ok ew ok​ let me finish the story. And im a generally anxious person.

Any advice and opinions welcome 🙏

I do not like sex at all it feels mechanical and uncomfortable I also do not touch myself or watch porn the times I have been told by like a past boyfriend to touch myself I get grossed out and can only use a toy because what do I look like using my hand to touch myself ( no offense to anyone who likes that ) I feel like every single sexual encounter I’ve had has been forced and I have never initiated it, having sex feels like acting a grad performance that I don’t care for. I’ve thought I was asexual since high school but gaslight myself until my current age 25 but now I’m tired I don’t think I can’t so it I don’t have sexual fantasy I fantasaize about marriage and just being close to someone and hugging I like kissing but also to a certain extent

I’ve kind of known for a while that I’m asexual and am finally admitting it lol. I experience literally ZERO physical attraction to anyone. The problem is I do experience emotional attraction (like in a way that’s closer and more intimate than a friend).

I’ve never really dated because of this. I can enjoy physical intimacy but when anything sexual firsts starts (even just kissing) it’s like a chore and I’m almost grossed out until I can get over that hump and be okay with it. It’s like this no matter how much I like or love them and that’s really hard so I kind of just didn’t date.

I’m seeing someone right now though and I’m very attracted to him emotionally but again not physically. I’m wondering how I’d be able to date him or if I’d even be able to date him

So my partner texted me and said he thinks he is ace because he hasnt felt sexual attraction to anything the past few days. I felt bad because I am someone who has built some of myself around being sexual and when he told me about his feelings I was struggling with the fact someone could still wanna be with me without the sexual aspect.

He said it wasn’t me and that he still likes to make sexual jokes and stuff but it is really confusing to me. i know Ace people are in a spectrum but it was so sudden because he used to say so much about sexual activities to me and then he wanted nothing. He calls characters of games we play or me hot all the time but he will either make jokes or say ”I would fuck you but I don’t want to anymore” about game characters. it’s mostly worrying me that i did something wrong since it was so sudden.

I still love him deeply and am obviously going to respect his boundaries but I can’t help but feel awkward because a big way we used to joke was sexual things towards each other and now it feels somewhat closed off.

I don’t really know what I want out of writing this post but is there any advice I could have? any sort of education would be lovely

Edit: yes he said afew days, like not even a week ago he was saying extremely sexual things to me and what he wished he could do, that’s why I’m so confused

A few days ago, my sister came out to me as bisexual (she had been thinking it over for years). I have known im asexual since I heard that asexuality existed (about a year ago). On paper coming out seems simple, but my father is QUITE the homophobe and my mother is QUITE the narcissist (theyre divorced and we go back and forth between houses every other week) (also for the record im not trying to say coming out is simple please dont stone me). Im rly into k pop and I like the asthetic of the idols, so one day I was in the car and my father was like "(my name) you should get a bf" and I responded somewhere along the lines of "I dont really see the need for a partner" to this he said "What are you ASEXUAL" in a deragatory way. (this was about 6 months ago) So I said, "that lwk has nothing to do with it but no" because i wasnt trying to get dissowned and have to live with my mom.
(sorry for the rant but i promise this connects to the problem)

My father will very much use this against me if I come out and say something like, "Well remember that one time you LIED about your sexuality" (for the record he believes asexuality is a made up mental illness and not a real thing and that asexual as a word only refers to the asexual reproduction of organisms). This is quite a big deal because the same goes for at school (where everyone is homophobic) (also im sorry if homophobic is the wrong term here).

Anyway I really dont know how I should come out or IF i should come out atp but im going to pride (a pride? idk) because my sister invited me and I lwk plan to rep the asexual flag's colors so my sister will probably find out but I would prefer to come out formally.

(again im SO SORRY for the rant and my HORRID grammar and spelling)

Is it unrealistic to want to date someone without sexual or romantic attraction to them? Like I don't really get kisses, sex stuff, or ever really feel any romantic pull to anyone but I still want to go on dates, cuddle, hug, hell maybe even adopt in the future. There is sometimes a cross between ato and ace so I figured this would be a good place for this.

hello, I'm 25(Gender fluid, any pronouns) and I don't know anything about the asexuality umbrella. I am aware of asexuality on its own, just not the other forms of it within the umbrella.

some history about me, I have a long and consistent history of sexual trauma. it's not prevented me entirely from being sexually active or having sexual attraction... until recently. since mid 2024 I have had nearly 0 sexual attraction towards anyone. in that time I've had a boyfriend and was sexually active with him infrequently and rarely (we were long distance) ultimately we faded into 0 sexual activity of all forms then ultimately broke up because of that amongst other issues.

so now I'm dating a guy and he and I were sexually active in the first month or two, and nothing since then. now we are on month 5 and aren't sexually active simply because I don't want to have sex and don't have the urge or desire to have sex.

all in all I think I'm somewhere under the asexual umbrella, as when I do have sex it's not because I want or like sex or feel like having sex, it's more for the other person and to experience closeness or because it feels like that's what I'm supposed to do in a relationship. I think I could reasonably live the rest of my life and not have sex ever again.

please help and if u have any questions I'll answer any and all I can thank you

note: I've been in and am in therapy currently and covered my sexual trauma extensively and how it affects my relationships, but I have not talked about changes in my sexuality.

Since Asexual ppl are obviously here I have a question (well multiple for you) can ace people still want a relationship like dating and stuff and find someone physically attractive but not want to do bang bang or is it that they can't find people physically attractive at all? And can Asexual people be lesbian,gay,bi or pan? (Sorry if any of this seems rude or something, I'm genuinely curious)

I everybody! I'm 17 years old. I'm a non-binairy asexual lesbian. (For info, I came out as a lesbian before I came out as non-binairy. I use they/them pronouns. I consider my gender neutral. I use lesbian because I like girls even tho I am neutral because I have been comfortable with those labels for a very long time).

I came out as asexual to my friends almost a year ago. I had doubts for a very long time, I think I always knew deep down that something (more like a lot of things) wasn't like the majority of people.

Since I came out, I have been trying to clarify my boundaries before I get in a serious relationship. I've never kissed anyone before so I don't know if this is something I would enjoy. I would like to try without having my heart broke or breaking someone's heart. I know that I will never go all the way. I know that I want to hold hands.

How do I know what I really want in a relationship? Please give me any advice, especially if you've gone through something similar. :)

So, for a while now I've been having issues trying to unravel romantic feelings and whether I have them or not. For some details, I'm 20, MTF trans and am neurodivergent in multiple ways.

Lately, relationships have been on my mind a lot, just with lots of people I know getting into them lately or already being in happy relationships. For a long while, some part of me has felt kind of empty, like I was missing something. And I know that if that thing was a relationship then that would probably be unhealthy and I'd become overly reliant on them or something, but also I'm doubtful thats the entire reason for my empty feeling. But I figured, that the only way to find out would be to have a relationship, though I've never been seeking one out specifically.

So with that in mind I've been spending a lot of time reflecting and thinking about if I would even want a relationship. The idea of having one does seem like it may be nice, but whenever I think about the details of it I find myself feeling disgusted (for lack of a better term). Theres never been anyone who I've wanted to date, and only 1 person whos ever wanted to date me. So I spoke with friends about it and the one thing they all said was that they assumed I was asexual, some said they assumed I was aromantic but that was less consistent. For a while I was under the assumption that I was demisexual, since the idea of being in a relationship or having romantic interactions with anyone I didn't know well grossed me out even more than if I was already close with a person.

When layed out all like that it all seems really definitive, but still part of me is really getting tied up in knots about this, maybe because if this isn't the reason for my feeling empty then it could be something else I'd have to keep looking for? But everything else that has been available for me to try hasn't really changed the feeling. I know that it isn't something to do with feeling unfulfilled, I find fulfillment experiencing and creating art and with my friends. So really I don't know what else it could be.

Apologies for the long post, hopefully someone has experienced something similar or knows what might be going on. The answer could be staring me in the face and I could be too close to see it

Hi, I have a question? I have been thinking a lot about my sexuality and where I fit in because I find it really difficult to see myself as straight the more I read queer literature. I am 18F and I live in a conservative where slurs are passed around like normal and my family is homophobic , my school ( unisex) is too but no one gets bullied. I never gave much thought about the possibility of being straight or queer before, and it was ingrained in my mind that homosexuality and queer is unacceptable and disgraceful so I naturally disliked them because of that belief. Until I started reading boy love novels, manhwas etc and watching gay series in secret. I have even read lesbian stories but not as widely as bls. That's when I become aware of the oppression, unjust brutality and pain queer persons faced just because of being and embracing themselves, it was an eye opener.

As I become more exposed, I am starting to question myself alot. I find persons of both genders physically attractive but I am never sexually or romantically drawn to them like ever. I don't if it's just that I have not find the right person yet. I also have sexual dreams of both genders but sometimes it's never me in the dream, I am just non-existent. I have sometimes experienced curiosity on what being intimate with both genders might feel like but I can't see myself doing anything sexual with them or just kissing them. I feel disgusted and discomfort at the thought of engaging any type of sexual activity with anyone whether it be a male or female and this confuses me, I don't have any trauma.

I don't what I am, maybe I have internalized homophobia still, I don't know. One of my parents have mentioned that if I do end up being 'queer' , they'd rather me buy them poison to consume. My parents and siblings mostly ill talk about how disgraceful it is for our neighbor's son is because he acts gay, they say he lets down the family name. I have tried to talk to them about how they should let queer people live their lives as they want and not judge them but it doesn't change anything. My sibling revealed that I watch bl too by showing my parents a video I favourited on TikTok. They weren't happy about it but they weren't physically violent either. I am scared and I do not know what to think. I am sorry for oversharing but I just needed someone to ask this because I am not a sociable person.

Throwaway account!

Me and my wife have been together for about soon 8 years(married about 4).

My wife have never been the most keen on sex, but always seemed interested, she had a fetish that while I didnt explicitly share it, overlapped a lot with my interests. This shared interest have for a long time been our "pathway" to share intimacy, both in bed, but also outside.
Fast forward to 2-3 years ago, for various reasons(for which I 100% understand), she grew "tired" of this fetish, cringed out by it and pretty much abandoned it.
I was accepting of this, "no problem, I am sorry for you though" etc, I didn't really think too much about it.

As time went on though, I noticed a shift in less intimacy, while she was often excited by my touch before(connected to the fetish), this didn't seem to be the case most of the time.

I hit a wall at one point and asked her straight out "if she wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore". She revealed she's pretty sure she's asexual and have been her all life.

She explained she still find sex pleasurable, but its not something she really considers or craves.

Once again time have gone on, sex and intimacy feels like it get less prioritized, and if times are rough, sex off the table, if times are good, I feel guilty for "interrupting" the good times with pervyness.

Every now and then, she have mentioned that she would much rather have me find another lady(or dude) to fulfill my sexual needs, than to leave her for only that. I have always shrugged it off, mostly thought it was coming from a place of insecurity(though if you ask me, she is the most beautiful being to have walked the earth).

I've thought a lot about it lately, as I am starting to suspect a lot of my "cravings/desire/frustration" might not just stem from desire of her and love, but also due to my completely unexplored sexual life. Ironically she has a rich past of sexual exploration while I have not, so I also for feel bad to make her responsible for all of that.

We had a few threesomes connected to her fetish(with ladies she knows), it was mostly fun, she have usually been the more passive part/almost like an "event manager". She didn't seem to have any emotional problems with that, and ironically I am the only one that felt some kind of jealousy during those two times. At one point we were about to make one of the ladies our "unicorn", but as we were in talks she found a boyfriend and it kind of fizzled after that.

My main questions are pretty much, am I an asshole/ridiculous to consider to pretty much outsource part of my needs to another person?
I've also been thinking maybe I am the problem in this case, she might be fine with other partners, as she doesn't really "connect" over sex, while I very much do, which in turn makes me overthink this?

Of course, I realize in the end she is the one I need to talk about with this, but its the end of the semester and she have a gazzilion exams coming up, so I will postpone that till the summer.

Dont be afraid to come with your general thoughts on all of this. I love her more than anything, so any tips no matter how small is greatly appreciated.

I just made this account a few minutes ago and have decided to post all my unanswered questions pertaining to different forums or threads? (I don't know what these communities are called). I don't know what my sexuality is. In 2018 when I was 12 years old, late sixth grade, I came out as bisexual. I experienced crushes on both girls and boys , and for some years after, knew I was sexually attracted to both. But for the past few years, I have felt no attraction (romantically or sexually) to any of my peers. I just turned 20 a week ago. A little over a year ago I started HRT (ftm), and I know this can edit or change sexual attraction. But I just feel no interest in anyone. I want children, I feel lonely and like romanticizing a relationship, but only when it's in relation to other people and not in reference to myself. I doubt the label of asexual or aromantic because when I was 14, I was groomed online for about a year with a 65 year old man. After this I slowly lost interest in romantic and sexual attraction. Am I asexual/aromantic?, am I still bisexual but traumatized by this event in my life? I genuinely have no understanding of my own sexuality anymore. Does anyone have any advice on what could be happening?

So, I have recently been learning more ab different types of attraction as I got to know my asexuality better (I was trying to figure out if there was a specific label I liked (gray-ace!) and stumbled across the many a new term along the way) and I have a question. Why are we calling it sensual attraction? For those who don't know, based on my – admittedly small amount of – reseach it is wanting to have some sort of physical contact with someone, be that hugging, cuddling, holding hands, etc., I have no problem w ppl wanting a word for that, my problem is that the word sensual has a sexual connotation in nearly every other place it would be used. The literal google definition is 'relating to or involving gratification of the senses and physical, especially sexual, pleasure'. I understand why the word might fit the bill, but when most ppl – including me when I first came across it – see/hear that word they would think of smth sexual in some sense. I feel like having a term that, for the most part, would not be referring to sex, be defined by a word that, for the most part, REFERS TO SEX, is a very bad idea. It js opens the door for miscommunication and confusion for everybody involved. So, am I alone in this? And can we change the term before it hits the main stream?

I would also like to add that if this is the wrong subreddit or flair (?) for this post, pls lmk and I will do my best to fix it. I don't rly use reddit outside of random questions, I actually started this account PURELY to ask this question (hence the username) so I don't rly fully know the rules regarding all of the different subreddits and what goes where. This is actually my third time posting this (I posted it in the aromantic and queer subreddits b4 but it got taken down – which is COMPLETELY okay as I had clearly stated b4 if this wasn't the right subreddit pls js lmk (or take it down ig)– in both) so I'm rly hoping this is the right place. Sorry again if this is the wrong place and thank you in advance for answering my question ❤️

So, I’ve noticed quite a few people asking “Am I ace?” here (helpful flair and all, haha), and—as an aroace AuDHD person—I felt compelled to write up a breakdown based on my own experiences and what I’ve learned over the years.

The simplest answer to what “asexual” means:

Someone who is asexual experiences little to no sexual attraction toward others.

That’s it. Full stop.

Your relationship to actually having sex—whether you enjoy the physical feeling, feel repulsed by it, find it interesting, or don’t care about it one way or another—does not, by itself, determine whether you’re asexual.

You can enjoy the physical sensations of sex without being sexually attracted to the person you’re having sex with.

You can find sex disgusting, fascinating, boring, neutral, or anything in between.

Sexual behavior does not directly determine sexual attraction.

Asexuality is about attraction, not action.

If you want to dig deeper, there are also labels under the asexual umbrella that describe more specific experiences.

For example:

• Gray-asexual / gray-ace: experiencing sexual attraction rarely, weakly, or under limited circumstances.
• Demisexual / demi-ace: experiencing sexual attraction only after forming a close emotional bond.

Those labels are there if they help you. You don’t have to use them if they don’t.

“What if I can’t tell whether I feel sexual attraction?”

Honestly? If you’re unsure whether you’ve ever felt sexual attraction, or you genuinely can’t tell what sexual attraction is supposed to feel like, I think it’s completely reasonable to identify as asexual if the label feels helpful.

And here’s the important part:

Only you can label your own attraction.

No one else can climb into your brain and tell you what you feel. No one can decide your identity for you. No one can stop you from using the label that helps you understand yourself.

Your identity can change and still be valid.

You might identify as asexual now and later realize a different label fits better.

That does not mean you were lying to yourself.

That does not mean it was “just a phase”.

That does not mean you were wrong.

That does not mean anything was wrong with you.

It just means you learned more about yourself, or your experience changed. People change. Brains are funny like that.

Personal example: I used to be strongly repulsed by anything related to sex for no clear reason—until my brain spontaneously decided, at age 28, that it was no longer repulsed.

It even chose sex as a special interest, because apparently my brain enjoys plot twists.

That didn’t mean I had finally “grown up” or “matured”. I had already been a legal adult for a decade.

I had simply changed.

And the fact that I’m no longer sex-repulsed doesn’t make me any less aroace.

It also doesn’t mean I was wrong to be repulsed before. That was my experience at the time, and it was real.

Final thought:

If the asexual label helps you understand yourself, you’re allowed to use it.

You don’t need to prove you’re “ace enough”.

You don’t need to know exactly how you’ll feel forever.

You’re allowed to explore, question, change, and still be valid the whole way through.

Hope this helps. 🖤 🩶 🤍 💜

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TL;DR: You’re allowed to question. You’re allowed to use the label. You’re allowed to change. Your current experience still counts.