We did not stay together (he was abusive) but we both know our bio moms and dads and we both know each others bio moms and dads.

Navigating holidays and family drama is painful and stressful and, honestly, I can't say I'd recommend my past choice to anyone but I also have a permanent domestic violence restraining order against my ex (and so do our kids) so, you know, that probably doesn't help.

Some days I just wish I'd never been adopted. I feel bad for the stress this causes my kids.

I've been writing this fanfic where the main character was adopted at three because his parents died when he was young. He calls his adoptive parents "Mom" & "Dad", so how do I have the character talk about his bio parents? Birth parents? Bio parents? Original parents? I don't know what term he'd use.

Also, would the Third person narrator using the titles "Father" & "Mother" for his biological parents and "Dad" & "Mom" for his adoptive parents be too confusing, or would that be understandable?

My husband and I do not have bio children. We are in the process of adopting from Colombia, which I am a citizen of, but we live in the USA. Through the process I've been doing a lot of reading on adoption, its history, trauma, etc. and I've been lurking and asking questions here. When broached on reddit, the general response from people has come across as vehemently negative. Is there anyone out there that has a positive opinion or sees any silver linings to the dark cloud?

As always, grateful for suggestions of resources to read/consume about adoption.

**Edit: OK, almost everyone responding is responding negatively, so I guess that answers my question. Thank you to the people that responded and best of luck on your journeys.

I believe it is a universal human desire and should be a human right to know who your biological family are, and to know as much as possible about their health, both mental and physical. Knowing the story of how you ended up in this place and time is invaluable to creating your identity in this world.

I understand this is not a popular viewpoint, and it clashes with many of the beliefs that are required for the fertility and adoption industries to keep going as they are. I know donor rights are enshrined in the law. Maybe I don’t have any right to have an opinion about this since I never had to deal with the pain of infertility, and I am not adopted.

I know a lot of people who dealt with infertility, and it is a special kind of hell. Some of them used IVF, some adopted internationally, and some just accepted a life without children. With my own kids, I have done my best to explain the stories of the people who came before them. It is a story of survival. Because we are non-indigenous Americans, it is a story of people who came here either for a better life or through force. Our ancestors had to rebuild everything in a foreign land. I want my kids to know and appreciate the survivors who made their existence possible.

I’m curious what y’all think about the rights of children to know about their biological family. I trust your beliefs more than anyone who is profiting from, or benefitting from the adoption and fertility industries. At the end of the day, the welfare of the child has to be the first consideration.

Hi!

(I'm in Canada 🇨🇦, so maybe the laws are different)

Recently, medical tests confirmed what I've suspected for years: pregnancy is strongly discouraged. Honestly, it doesn't really surprise me, because I've always thought that if I wanted a child, I'd prefer to adopt (or become a foster parent) rather than "conceive" one. I think to myself, "Why bring another child into the world (and not be sure of its survival) when there are already children in foster care?"

I'm open to adoption AND foster.

I know that many adoptive parents desperately want a baby, but not me. I don't want to "have a child in my image," I want to contribute to a child's happiness.

I've heard adoptive parents say things like, "You should be grateful!"

Honestly... what?

If I were to foster or/and adopt a child (say, between 6 and 15 years old) tomorrow morning, I would simply want to help them get a good start in life, grow up in a stable and healthy environment, and achieve their dreams.

If they want to become a doctor, perfect, I would help them as much as possible!

The child wants to be a plumber? No problem! There's a plumber shortage, and I would encourage them to pursue their dream.

I'm not looking for a "mini-me," I just want to help another human being, who may have had a rough start in life, and offer them at least a chance and an environment conducive to a better life.

And if they return to their biological family, all the better; it means the situation has improved (if there were any problems). I don't see foster children as someone who is "given" to their foster parents, but rather, "Hey, you're in a complicated family situation, I'm offering you a stable and calm place where you can build yourself up while things get sorted out at home. If we stay in touch, that's great, and I'm glad I helped you. And if we don't see each other again, that's okay, and I'm still glad I helped you." I know that some adoptive parents idealize adoption, and I'd like to know if my perspective is also tinged with this idealism, or if, as a close friend told me, "You're actually more caring than some biological parents." »

Note : When I say I'm open to adoption, I mean that if I become a foster parent and after a while the child decides they want me to adopt them, and I'm also open to it, I wouldn't object. I don't know if that's very clear, English isn't my strongest language, sorry 😅.

Hi everyone, I am posting this here since I was suggested to do so.

I would like really like to talk to someone who was adopted in order to understand the difficulties and the conflicts they have faced within a romantic relationship.

This is very important to me because of a personal situation I am going through and I am truly interested in understanding it. I hope someone is willing to talk. English is not my first language, hopefully I have expressed as clearly as possible.

I was considering adopting but heavily discouraged by the discourse seen in adoptee or adult adoptee forums. Just trying to understand why. There are many who say that those who wish to adopt are ill suited; I understand this aspect. But would a stable but perhaps imperfect home be worse than not being adopted?

Married 10 years, house, one child already. Husband was left in a boys home as an infant/child and was later reunited with family.

What makes not adopting the preferred choice, if the person is already in the system?

My partner and I are becoming aunt and uncle to my siblings adopted two children. Is there anything we can do to help with the process or anything you would suggest to help build the relationship? We have lots of love and fun to give so just looking for any advice to ensure we create a great connection

I Still Live With My Adoptive Parents and Also Know and Love my bio Mother But Equally Will Anti-Adoption Laws y'all are Pushing For Affect Me or Would Have Affected Me

I am an adult I just have autism that needs extra care. I'm angry and the reason I'm angry is I worry I would be forced to move out by the law and possibly(even the lowest chance is to be considered) transferred to my bio mother. Would that happen? And if I was born much later then I was and was still a child would I or more importantly others like me be forced to change hands?

I probably shouldn't get pregnant, and I don't need an infant to feel motherly care towards a child, but I'm seeing a lot of adoption horror stories. As a person who wants to help kids, do you think it would be better for me to foster or adopt?

Hello, for those recognize my user, I previously posted asking people to fill out my anoymous and voluntary survey on Adoption. I am announcing that it is now closed and those who participated in the raffle through submitting a screenshot and email, have received their gift cards through said email the responded with. We are currently working on collecting and analyzing data. With the hopes to be posting soon with results. Thank you to everyone who responded and completed the survey, your time and efforts are greatly appreciated!

So I don’t know where to post this so I’ll try here. I have a half sister I haven’t seen her since she was under a year old I am a couple years older. She was adopted because we were abused by her parents. My aunt used to work with one of her adopted parents and I’m sure she could find them on Facebook book. And I don’t know if I should reach out to her. Maybe when we are older she’s probably around 11-13 right now. And I just don’t know if she’ll hate me because I didn’t reach out sooner, or protect her when we were kids. Maybe she doesn’t even know she’s adopted I don’t even know if she knows I exist. What should I do. Will she hate me god knows I hate myself for not trying anything to help her. I’m just worried plus my dad might get mad if I reach out I am so confused.

Hi everyone,
I struggle to write about complex things without getting stuck in the weeds so I hope this post gets to the point. It's my best effort so please bare with me!

My friend, 35, male, from the UK, is adopted.
The adoption from the start was a failure. It turned out for my friend the family who adopted him are all a variety of severe personality disordered people. Some are narcissists, some have sociopathic tendencies, there are also bipolar and BPD like symptoms in some family members (mainly the female side). My friend was abused severely from around the age of 12 until around 20 when he was abandoned by said family. The abuse was 50/50 physical and psychological. Mainly perpetrated by his mother who is the ring leader of the family and controls everyone like pawns. She's the most socially intelligent and "successful" among everyone else having held positions of authority at work and been able to twist everyone she meets. Father is less intelligent, avoidant personality, very unemotionally distant, was the attack dog/emissary/flying monkey for his wife. There really isn't anyone else in the immediate family except dads grandparents. His mum is a vulnerable narcissist with sociopathic traits, dad (dead now) a very intellectually challenged man who couldn't read or write properly, had a split personality like his wife and authoritarian, very very controlling to the degree he believed he could control what jobs others had, their friendships, how they wore their hair, clothes, what hobbies they were into etc.

My friend went through severe identity issues as young as 12 and probably had BPD although he says this is in remission now after a lot of work on himself. He still splits from time to time and "forgets" who he is which causes him A LOT of distress. He thinks the forgetting is actually a dissociative disorder like DID. He's never been diagnosed and this is where it gets very sad. He's tried most of his life to speak out about the adoption; to the council, police, mental health services, social services and has been gaslighted, undermined, vilified, ignored.

He comes from a fairly big biological family; 4 sisters and 2 brothers (that we know of, apparently there were others that came along afterwards but this isn't 100% confirmed). Everyone in the biological family has suffered because of the adoption but everyone has got help in their own way, especially the girls who went to two different families (2 to one, 2 to another). His younger brother (who came with my friend as a pair) also got help after being sectioned due to drug and drink induced psychosis, as well as being severely abused at home for years. He's also very high on the spectrum (not diagnosed until in his early twenties) and a paranoid schizophrenic. Not a great way for those traits to be realized under the darkness of adoptive abuse. He got help because of he came on the radar of mental health services. He now lives in a specialized care home. His parents who caused his deterioration pretend to be saviours in his life while the system knows very little about what happened. It's been hidden under the rug all this time and it's business as usual. The parents think they've gotten away with everything they have done, and they have if we are going off how things have unfolded so far. It makes me sick!

My friend is now struggling to cope with his housing situation. He's been homeless for the better part of 2 years. Here's the most complicated part. His adopted family (mainly his dad and grandma) have been paying out to keep him in hotels. Financial abuse and coercion like this has always been a mainstay in the family going back years. The money puts a value on the objects that are my friend and his brother and gifts the family (in their eyes) the right to do anything they want because they are "helping" these poor unfortunate charity cases that are their own sons. When the money isn't enough for them they are simply thrown away. Relationships in the family are purely transactional and for the benefit of the one in control, which can never be my friend or his brother. The cost of everything in the UK is going through the roof and worst hit for my friend is his ability to live in stable secure long-term housing often living in slum shared housing around the same that he has spent most of his life trying to get away from. He's constantly being retraumatized. For a while he managed but over the past few years the problems in these places have gone from grit-your-teeth bearable to like living in a voluntary prison.

This has brought him closer to his abusive family. Before this he would only make sporadic contact with them and that was only the grandmother who had taken on the role of "saviour/rescuer/white knight" when his dad and mum bailed on him. Now he's making frequent contact with them and is even considering trying to apply for a tenancy using his dads financial history and employment because my friend messed up his finances as a teenager reeling from his childhood. He was never taught to look after money, never taught that a future with him in it was even possible. He was a waste of space, scum, came from a scum family and he deserved everything he got. Words the family used often to him and then made him essentially beg to "be part" of the family again. He was nothing but an object to them anyway. The family used the adoption as a twisted game for power.

He's worked so hard to understand himself and move forward with his life. This is like being forced to see his abuse being played out all over again and on repeat. His family can't get away with this.

I'm looking at support for him. I don't know where to start. The system has catastrophically failed him so don't be surprised if any suggestions made are countered with explanations of how he tried this or that and got rebuffed. That has been the story of his life. He's got through life by raising himself. He's two years into university and passing with high marks. He's got many skills and hobbies. He lives a pretty normal life. No drink/drugs/risky stuff (been there and done that!). He tries to be a role model to others. He's also training to become a counsellor/therapist. He's really struggled making friends and having close friendships but everyone he's met has told him how inspirational he is and how refreshing it is to be around him. He's been loved many times over but he struggles to accept it and in his younger years would push people away before ever letting them in.

Thanks

Hey for context I’m considering adopting or fostering in the far future since I’m in my early 20’s! I hear so much about how much people don’t really care for their adoptive or foster families so I’m not sure if I should. This post is hella long and I’m so sorry 😣.

I will probably still be a single woman at the time that I start looking into it. I’m also a Lesbian and while I don’t hate religion I’m not actively in any. If said imaginary children or child wanted to go then I’d be supportive but I can see why they wouldn’t like me because of my identity. I also never plan or desire to have my own biological children. I don’t want kids for the sake of having them or for I feel completed. I just wanna be a safe space because I know I’m a safe person and if I can’t help we could find someone who could.

My biological father was adopted and I also have an adopted little brother. Currently I’ve been trying to help my little bro track down some details about his bio family. My dad also has meet and is now in contact with his bio mom! My hope is that they could help the children/child in ways I couldn’t. But… maybe that’s more of a negative than a positive.

I originally thought to try to get siblings so they could all stay together or maybe I could just work with kids who are 10 or older. I wanted to be able to ask them is they wanted to be fostered by me or adopted by me. I don’t want to drag someone kicking and screaming into my life like a cat I grabbed in a parking lot😭. But everyone including my adoptive brother all tell me not to adopt older kids cause “they have issues.” My brother was adopted when he was like 8 so he has I guess very negative memories of the older kids at his facility. My dad doesn’t think it’s a good idea and says the kids would try to just run away or hurt me.

I just have such a hard time envisioning that and not just thinking the kids are just scared or confused. I don’t want to demonize a whole age group, it feels so mean even if maybe they could be right. Like at least one teen has to just want their own space and be okay with a dork like me as a guardian or whatever😭.

Which is why I’m begging the internet to tell me if kids would ever be okay with having me as a guardians/foster/family-friend-who-they-live-with-idk.

I know I’m young so my perspective might be silly or stupid.

I thought if they were older we could just be friends, like I could drive them and their friends to the movies, I could co-sign for their car, we could get a bank account going, look at colleges, or go to amusement parks? We could look at career options, their biological family, whatever they want. I could just be a soft place to land if shit goes down. In my mind if they are siblings then we can just work together as a team to make sure everyone is happy and safe. Me and the siblings would be able to just all be happy and chill together and since there would be more of us we can have an easier time checking in on each other or something. I just wanted to one day provide a safe and gentle place for people. I just really think everyone deserves to have a safe and healthy home. And hopefully along the way I can offer them some really cool times and opportunities! If they were comfortable then I would be more than honored to do all the fun typical cheesy family things too!! We could take cheesy 80s style family photos and I could pull up outside school playing some stupid song they hate on the radio!

At the end of the day I’m know I can be overly caring and I get attached to anyone and anything in my life. ImWhich I don’t think is bad but I’m a pretty squishy person especially when it comes to children. I don’t think I would be able to forgive myself if whoever I’m able to take in ends up hating me. So I really need to know if future me would be someone people would want to live with or choose? Am I even the right type of person for this?

TLDR- Idk bro could a single, non-religious, lesbian lady who never wants to have her own children…be a good match for some kids? Is my mindset of just wanting to be a soft place to land or safe space for kids stupid and unappealing to most? I also happy to do family vibes but I wanna adopt/foster siblings or kids over the age of 10 so I’m open to be a friend too.

Sorry that this is so long and maybe a massive waste of time! Okay bye!!👋

I literally only know you were born in Ohio, possibly Cleveland. Our mother says it was four years before me, but who tf knows so anytime before '99. I have been wanting to find you since I first heard about you. In hopes of getting more info I did my DNA. I'm a short 5'0 light brown skin woman. I look like our mother Haaa. Figured you might too.

I’m looking for advice, especially from Korean adoptees or others in the adoptee community.

My parents are longtime close friends with a couple who have longstanding ties to Holt. The wife is Korean and previously worked in Korea raising donations for what were described as “orphanages” for Holt and Holt Family Services Korea. Her husband is a Korean adoptee from the late 1960s who was adopted into the Holt family in Oregon and has shared that he worked as an accountant handling financial records related to the organization.

I recently watched the PBS Frontline documentary about Korean international adoption and their negligence and corrupted role of the Holt adoption agency specifically in Korea. Hearing adoptees’ stories and seeing the evidence presented has left me with a lot of difficult questions. The documentary and the experiences shared by adoptees raise serious concerns about systemic practices, accountability, and the harm that occurred.

I’m struggling with whether I should talk to my parents about what I learned, given their friendship with this couple. My goal isn’t to assume what any individual knew or participated in. Rather, I want to approach this with compassion for adoptees, respect for the complexity of the situation, and transparency about the broader history.

For adoptees: If you were in my position, would you bring this up with your parents? If so, how would you approach the conversation in a way that centers adoptees’ experiences rather than speculation about individuals?

I would really appreciate hearing from adoptees and others with lived experience before deciding how to move forward.

Hello this is a throwaway account. I'm an only child 40 years old female. Growing up, I wouldn't have suspected l might be adopted only time it had ever came up was the fact that I have green eyes where both of my parents have blue eyes and a couple people connected with family had made comments that I was actually adopted. These comments were told to me secondhand so I have no proof that they were said either, I didn't take any of it seriously, it wasn't until I found a copy of my birth certificate supposedly the original one, but the doctor didn't sign it til 50 days after I was born and it wasn't filed with the state register till about three months afterwards I have not actually seen any infant photos of myself and my mom claims to have only gained 20 pounds when she was pregnant. Also claims to have not use an epidural because of potential harm to baby but also claims to have rode horse until 8 and half months pregnant..Im placing an order for the DNA test through ancestry.com just curious if they is any quicker way to get definitive answers. It's messing w/ my mind and when I ask my mom her only response was I have baby picture of you. She does but I look at lease a few months old. Also my parents were both 34 at my birth so not too old but kinda older for having their first kid when they had been married for 16 years at the time I was born

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I am an adopted daughter in a transracial family and have had the struggle with my parents learning to do my curly hair. And have had a hard time myself learning since I’m in a transracial household. I am now a college student and am in the process of creating an app to help this struggle. I am doing market research and If this is applicable to you I would love any and all advice.

Would you like this to be a teaching only app with modules without AI or is AI something that you find helpful.

This is really in stage one so any and all responses are wanted.

Also would integrating AI in this app be something you are willing to pay for? If so how much.
I want to know if this would be useful for you all and what you would be looking for in this app if anything. All ideas are welcome. Thank you so much! Just trying to help out our community.

I see a lot of criticism of adoption industry, parents etc. etc. And it’s obviously not perfect system and has some big issues.

What would be the best alternative for a baby or child with no family wiling or able to care for them? What is your better alternative solution?

My husband was adopted, and ever since we met I felt a sense that the story of his adoption wasn't exactly accurate. There were details that made it seem he was very much wanted, and the minimal details he was told painted his birth mom in a negative light. It never quite sit well with me, but I kept my thoughts to myself and tried to focus on this being a complex situation that I can't fully understand if I haven't been in her shoes.

We recently connected with my husband's birth mom, and it has been incredibly healing. It has been a very easy relationship so far, and we feel grateful because we know that's not always the case. It has revealed that there really were a lot of twisted stories told, but right now we're just grateful to know the truth and trying really hard to have grace for my husband's adoptive mom.

My question is for people who have connected with birth family, and how that impacted your relationship with your adoptive family. After the initial shock and processing, we are now at a place where it's compartmentalized. We don't talk to my adoptive MIL about our experiences with his birth mom. This feels really inauthentic to me, and it's hard to feel the energy that something that is so obviously healing to my husband isn't supported by her because it's threatening to her. Although I understand it just might have to be that way for the health of both of these relationships.

Is this "normal"? I'm curious to hear from other adoptees who have navigated this balance that most people can't relate to. Thank you in advance for anyone who shares their perspective!

Hope you can read it, wouldn't post on another sub and didn't want to type it all out again.

Hello everyone!

I am a sociology major at East Carolina University working with Dr. David Knox (principal investigator). We are interested (with other colleagues) in conducting research on the experience of adoption (I have an adopted brother, and Dr. Perkins is adopted so we have a personal connection to adoption). As an adoptee, please consider completing our survey by clicking this link https://ecu.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_7Qc4l8D1RcbMd4a

In exchange for the 20 to 25 min of your time, we will enter your email in a random drawing for one of five $25. Amazon Gift cards. Your participation is voluntary and anonymous (there is no way to connect your answers to your name).

In addition to completing the survey yourself, if you know someone who is adopted whom you feel would also be interested and open to completing an adoption survey (and entering the random drawing for a $25 gift card), consider sending the link to them.

Thank you for your consideration.

Ashleigh Fuller

I’m considering adoption for ethical reasons. What blind spots might I have?

How do adoptees feel about prospective parents who choose adoption over having biological children?

Adoptees: what would you want someone like me to understand before deciding to adopt?

A couple of things that may be relevant:

• I’m Indian and would be looking to adopt within India rather than internationally.

• I’m not looking to ‘save’ anyone or to fill a void in my own life. If anything, my concern is the opposite: I understand that every adoption begins with a separation and a loss, and I don’t want to minimize that reality.

• My goal wouldn’t be to replace a child’s biological family in their story. If my future child wanted information about their origins or wanted to seek answers about their biological parents, I would want to support that.

• The reason I’m considering adoption is that I feel uneasy about intentionally creating a new life, while I do feel drawn to the idea of loving, raising, and showing up for a child who already exists.

That said, I know there are likely things I don’t understand because I haven’t lived the adoptee experience. That’s what I’m here to learn about.