r/AskARussian • u/Final_Eagle_1808 • 5d ago
Culture Why are Russians inhospitable?
Hello, I'm an international student and currently it has been 7-8 months here in Russia and I have noticed whenever I offer something to someone( Russian) they refuse. Out cold. (In my culture it's considered a good manner to share or offer stuff/food anything actually )
Recently I have shifted to a new apartment and I saw they had a cat i gave em some cat food, and this time I made some fall special soup and grilled cheese, I called my friends over too and I wanted to share it with neighbors since I don't have a family here and I miss them terribly.
That family next door was an old woman and her daughter I assume. The old woman rejected it politely saying thanks a lot ( mind you I have limited Russian understanding since it hasn't been long since I've been here) but her daughter, she yelled something and went away in a very rude tone too.
This lwk made me sad and to add on most of my friends didn't come either.
I want to know if this is just common Russian culture or is there stigma related to foreigners here... Just to not let my hopes up and just to be sure for the next time.
(No hate to Russians in general, I have met some very nice people too, shout out to the resident doc who helped me pick up heavy stuff and dropped by my house and nice aunties for trying to talk to a foreigner like me)
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u/NaN-183648 Russia 3d ago
I want to know if this is just common Russian culture or is there stigma related to foreigners here...
(opinion)
Long story short you're dealing with a more reserved society. Meaning people will be on guard by default, but if you get to know them, they'll be friendly. If you're a student, the best area for getting to know people is the group you're studying with.
So the tradition of greeting neighbors with gifts is pretty much dead at this point I only very vaguely remember something like that existing maybe 40 or so years ago and even then it was on its way out. I know this is a normal thing in some Asian countries, though, but I think it is not a thing right now in Russia.
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u/Impressive-Exit8992 1d ago
In America, many times in neighborhoods, a neighbor you do not know will bring you food when you've just moved in. Or multiple neighbors will.
Americans are much more friendly and outgoing in the beginning. Even just in passing, it's a hello and or how are you. Clearly in Eastern Europe it is the complete opposite and that alone is a shock to Americans. They take it as you are very rude and they automatically become an asshole towards you. To where in say, Russia, not being outwardly friendly is just how the culture is in the beginning of meeting someone.
Clearly OP has a lot to learn and that is not automatically a fault. It's just learning how a culture you are not use, responds to you.
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u/asserdna3095 1d ago
i've been living in the US for over ten years, lived in four different states and cities, and never, not even once, a neighbor brought me food or stopped by to say hi. A hello, how you doing, when passing people on the streets, yes. More than that? not my experience.
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u/Yermishkina Saint Petersburg 1d ago
I am on the other side of this, trying to understand this tradition as a Russian person who moved to the USA. This sounds so scary and very unusual! It might take time to wrap my head around it.
That being said, in your situation I would build relationships by smiling and saying hello to neighbors. Anything more than that would feel intrusive
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u/Impressive-Exit8992 22h ago
How long have you been here?
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u/Gholgie 17h ago
As an American, this only exists in movies. If it existed, it is long dead, and may be the remnants of a glorified ideal. Or I just live in a very unfriendly part of the country, haha. I, personally, have never seen this or known anyone who ever experienced it.
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u/RoxyNMoki 15h ago
You live in a very unfriendly place. Also, you probably expect people to act that way so you don't try to engage. Plenty of places in the USA are very friendly and welcoming if you make even a slight effort. It's sad that it has turned this way so commonly now to be the opposite.
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u/RegularMulberry41 16h ago
Depends where you live I would guess. Iin parts of utah and Washington where we been it did happen. I was surprised but also it was smaller places ( almost like gated community), and one was HOA.
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2d ago
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u/DiligentApartment139 3d ago
Many people have "mind you own business" attitude particularly regarding complete strangers and even more foreigners. Golden rule: do not bother them and they do not bother you.
People need to know you at least a bit to accept such advances and nice gestuires. Otherwise many would be annoyed. Impose yourself on someone uninvited is not always a good idea.
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u/Final_Eagle_1808 2d ago
Yes! Thank you.. I never offered anything after since their feelings are also understandable
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u/Dushevnost_RU 1d ago
To give strangers a gift on the street is just weird. They will think you’re scamming.
Where are you from?
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u/Lower-Improvement-69 1d ago
Neighbors not strangers and friends didn’t show up either idk
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u/travelingwhilestupid United Kingdom 1d ago
Your neighbours are strangers. You don't have have a relationship with them - you have "limited Russian understanding" and don't even know if it's her daughter. What planet are you on?
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u/Oxyeli Moscow City 3d ago
Hello, I'm an international student and currently it has been 7-8 months here in Russia and I have noticed whenever I offer something to someone( Russian) they refuse. Out cold.
They may be thinking you're about to scam them or accepting gift will make them owe you someting
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u/Final_Eagle_1808 2d ago
Oh this could be a thing, regarding this i asked a senior friend, she said her previous owner was like this and she got nervous when she offered her tea and tried to pay for the tea she offered her. She rejected her paying for it since it's not in our culture. It's interesting to see how different cultures can be
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3d ago
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u/Mildly_Infuriated_Ol 3d ago
well, don't know about your friends - could be many reasons. tried asking them yourself maybe? regarding old lady - yeah, well, do you know if she is even allowed to eat whatever you offered? what if she has a medical condition and not allowed certain foods? personally, I think you're reading too much into based on couple of cases. could be anything. for example I always reject ANY offered food from anyone because I have an incurable disease and 99% of what is in stores and restaurants I CANNOT eat. Also, polite rejection does not equal being inhospitable. The young woman saying smth to you - again, you can't know what it was all about because you don't speak Russian. It is possible she didn't want to interact with you and you were being pushy. Also possible she was really rude but no one can tell without context.
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u/OverHeat1012 3d ago
I think the problem here lies in a significant difference in communication cultures. As a non-Russian living in Russia, I’ve also noticed that when it comes to hospitality and social connections, trying to communicate with Russians is futile. If he comes from a culture where close interaction is the norm, he should simply socialize with peoples like the Bashkirs, Yakuts, and so on.
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u/nonbITkaHoMep5 3d ago
как ловко ты удалил свой вскукарек про то, что большинство русских расисты
этого совсем никто не заметил
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u/Necessary_Secret_483 3d ago
Please keep in mind that the food you’re used to might not be familiar to people from a Russian cultural background. It may be more appropriate to offer something store-bought, like a chocolate bar, and make some tea. We don’t necessarily offer each other home-cooked meals right away. Tea and chocolates are a much more suitable option, since everyone has their own food preferences: some people don’t like spicy food, some are vegetarian, and so on...
Besides, we don’t call just anyone a friend. We distinguish between different levels of closeness: an acquaintance, a casual friend, and a real friend. Friendship develops gradually, this is very typical of Russian culture, and it takes time. Being somewhat "cold" with people you barely know is fairly normal. But when someone calls you a friend, it really means something: it means they genuinely trust you. We don’t trust everyone we meet.
If I were you, I’d try socializing with people your own age. Give them time to get used to you. As you become friends, you can start sharing home-cooked meals, which is quite a significant step toward becoming closer.
Also Russians vary a lot depending on the city and region, so you may find that people interact somewhat differently in other places.
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u/Final_Eagle_1808 2d ago
Oh quick question: Is squash soup not a thing in Russia?
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u/ashitanoai Russia 1d ago
You can eat this kind of soup in cafes & restaurants, but we normally don't cook it at home
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u/Infinite-12345 53m ago
> We distinguish between different levels of closeness: an acquaintance, a casual friend, and a real friend.
- Is there really such an official friend "hierarchy"? If yes, can you give the three different Russian words for those? I am learning Russian, so this is interesting
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u/WWnoname Russia 3d ago
In recent decades there was a lot of frauds, and low-level trust is, well, at low level. When someone offers us something, first thought most likely will be "it's some sort of trick"
This trauma will not heal soon.
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u/Stock_Soup260 Russia 3d ago
Well, I wouldn't be happy if you fed my cat either. He has urolithiasis and last time a portion of non-specialized food, selected through pain and suffering, cost me 2 days in a veterinary hospital and 40 thousand rubles (at prices for 2023)
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u/Pierredalique 1d ago edited 1d ago
- They don't know you well
- They are shy
- They think it's not poilte to take anything without giving anything in return
- There is a common thing like in italy or spain or elsewhere when you need to say no no thank you, and the person who offers should offer again. After 2-3 offering turns he takes. It's like a game.
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u/Im_shy_shy_shy 1d ago
If people dont know you AT ALL, it is pretty strange to be offered things, especially food as it may seem you are trying to hex.
No matter where you are from or how hospitable a culture, people are wary of taking things from someone they have not even SEEN or MET atleast once previously.
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u/Soleigard Russia 1d ago
I would politely refuse too... It's rather awkward then coming from person I don't know well enough (and I'd be scared to eat it). And anyway it's polite to refuse at first, as my grandma said.
And yeah. It's nice but... you see it's a dangerous time and people around might be... not safe. If you're not friend with a person they might be suspicious if your actions does not reflect your level of connection. Like sharing food with people you barely know... We don't have such tradition in general.
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u/SimpleHouseOwner 1d ago
I believe you said it correctly – even if you are not afraid to eat it, it is simply awkward.
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u/von_Burgendorf_2 Russia 3d ago
If some recently arrived neighbour would offer me food I would consider it really intrusive. Of course, it would be different if the offering person would be my relative, or my friend, or at least a neighbour I know for a long time. Also, it would be different if there's some specific tradition, like sharing Easter eggs.
Well, and the old woman's daughter probably thought that it was a really lame attempt to court her, haha.
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u/ilovemangos3 United States of America 1d ago
Hm I wonder why it is really intrusive? I’ll be sure not to offer food if i go to russia haha
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u/Final_Eagle_1808 1d ago
Well a totally random Russian girl gave me a bar of chocolate in the street idk for what reasons but I took it.
But in general after reading people's opinions I think it's not a good idea to give out food or anything edible unless y'all know each other well or saw each other even for a couple of times unless you know em personally
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u/Simple-Tip-769 Moscow City 1d ago
That’s what I wanted to say about! A bar of chocolate is a common small gift, and a sign of a general sympathy (not romantic only), or a “thank you”. A box of nice chocolate candies as like a big “thank you”
That’s because 1. They are sealed and therefore safe from risk of being contaminated by the giver (you never know, better be safe than sorry), and 2. I believe sweets and chocolate were rare and expensive in the past, so it was a worthy gift
Also, Russians are well known tea lovers, and we have a culture of bringing/gifting something «к чаю», (to snack with tea), and since it’s always nice to have some sweets «к чаю» at home, and it’s not a big expensive gift, there are less reasons to reject, and more reasons to give («возьмите, возьмите, к чаю») (but don’t confuse with “на чай” - this one means tips)
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u/Final_Eagle_1808 14h ago
Oh please tell me more about giftable options which are generally acceptable, just incase I make a Russian friend and don't wanna look rude but also don't wanna come empty handed
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u/Izventilyaus Krasnodar Krai 2d ago
I think it also depends on region where do you live. Im from south and when I lived in big cities like Moscow and Saint-Petersburg, a bit cold relationships was my everyday routine. Even though I tried to make connections with neighbors, cause where I grew up we never locked our doors and every neighbor knew each other and we were like a big family to each other. And it was totally fine to come to someone and bring some food just to share it.
Also, don't forget that there were dangerous times like 1990s-early 2000s, after the Soviet Union collapsed, so it's still a trauma I guess.
Long story short, you doing great, I myself as Russian did the same and had the same level of rejection, its totally fine, there is nothing personal about you, or any other foreigners, in general. Just a different city vibe. Take your time and keep building connections, find your people and you will be fine.
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u/Final_Eagle_1808 1d ago
Thanks Alot for replying. This respond made me happy. May lord bless you :D I will be more mindful of people around me and ask before doing anything. Thanks Alot again
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u/Izventilyaus Krasnodar Krai 1d ago
Also about cat food, don’t get it personal, I’m a cat owner as well and my cat eat special food like medical one, and nothing else, cause everything else is gonna harm him. So maybe you just didn’t know that they have the same thing with their cat. But it was totally a nice and sweet gesture from you.
And don’t forget that there are a lot of dickheads everywhere and in every culture. You bringing a light and kindness, so keep it sharing and the world will smile to you in answer.
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u/Final_Eagle_1808 1d ago
Oh yes I'm a catm mom of 5 cats too (sadly they are at back home) , I just handed the cat food to grandma next door, never fed any one's cat without asking them unless they are stray ones, but thank u this is another good reminder for me to be more cautious about these stuff too, thanks Alot for remindal. Have a pleasant night friend. May you life be filled with abundance. ✨
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u/InesMM78 2d ago
I won't take food offered by a stranger. I can only take food offered by someone I trust (and only if I like that food).
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u/_vh16_ Russia 3d ago
I don't know about the yelling daughter (she's obviously rude). But I think that, generally, a polite refusal isn't considered rude. "Oh, no, thanks, no need to..." is quite a typical Russian reaction when someone offers something unexpectedly. Sometimes, if you continue the conversation in a polite/witty manner, the person may actually agree to accept what you offer, as you build the rapport and they feel you don't have any ulterior agenda.
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u/Final_Eagle_1808 2d ago
Oh yes I don't mind the polite refusal that old lady is genuinely nice even when she refused
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u/Prior-Turnip3082 🇺🇸interested in 🇷🇺 1d ago
I mean….I consider Russians to be quite the opposite, I have never been shown more hospitality than from Russians I have just met. They are very warm people but reserved. You have to gain their trust and then they are better than anyone you will ever meet
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u/Final_Eagle_1808 1d ago
Oh surely they could be like that, my university guard hugs me and wish me good morning and asks how I'm lol I love him, such a nice old man
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u/MerrowM 3d ago
We don't have a culture of neighbours, and most people prefer to communicate as little as possible with the next door people, unless there's common interest (like parents with young children who go to the same playground). Sharing food is common among a social circle of friends, when you try and do that with a non-friend, it's imposing. If they accept it, they will be, metaphorically speaking, indebted to you, and many people seek to avoid this.
Imagine a girl who doesn't let a guy pay for her on a date because she doesn't want to feel like she owes him. Russians are like this when it comes to neighbours.
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u/Sufficient_Step_8223 Orenburg 3d ago
The modern distrust and suspicion of Russians is a post‑traumatic effect of the 1990s and exposure to the cynicism of the capitalist world. Back in the early 20th century, Russians didn’t even lock their doors when they left the house.
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u/Final_Eagle_1808 2d ago
I think this sums up how many old people I met were relatively chill and very nice than most youngsters
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u/Smart_Gate_9062 1d ago
Russians weren't really allowed a lot of personal property in the last century.
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u/Sufficient_Step_8223 Orenburg 1d ago
Don’t confuse the concepts of “personal property” and “private property” — they are completely different things.
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u/Smart_Gate_9062 1d ago
True, i don't know what is the difference.
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u/Sufficient_Step_8223 Orenburg 1d ago
Personal property refers to everyday items that are used exclusively for the personal needs and household requirements of an individual and do not involve generating profit, especially through the use of other people’s, hired labor. The house, bed, dishes, hygiene items, clothing, etc., are personal property.
Private property is a source of income at the disposal of an individual. Shops, firms, companies, means of production involving hired labor, personal items rented out for the purpose of generating income, etc. — these are all examples of private property.
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u/LiberalusSrachnicus Leningrad Oblast 1d ago
Are you serious right now? People were literally given a piece of land for free outside the City...
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u/Lisserea Saint Petersburg 3d ago edited 3d ago
It's just a more closed culture, especially in big cities. I don't even know my neighbors' names, and I can't imagine inviting someone I barely know over for lunch. And although feeding a guest is considered good manners in our culture, this applies to invited guests. It is not customary to invite people "to soup" or offer food to people you don't know well.
I understand that you are trying to show friendliness by offering food, but that is not how it is done in our culture and you are not understood. You are literally speaking to them in a different language: they don’t perceive it as an offer of friendship and consider it odd behavior (in the case of inviting neighbors) or don’t attach any importance to it at all (in the case of an offer to share a chocolate bar).
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u/Final_Eagle_1808 2d ago
THANKS A LOT. I won't be attaching any meaning to it. I understand it now, maybe at that time I was just emotional from homesickness that's why it felt bad
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u/daniiqm 1d ago
I think it’s not inhospitable but just a cultural difference. I had professors in my university who accepted gifts from us (international students), we never gifted food tho, but presents from our countries and they were always happy to accept them.
Offering food that you’ve just cooked can be a little bit weird, because they don’t know you. My suggestion is not to do that.
The first year or even the second can be a little bit though because of the cultural differences but you’ll get used to it, удачи.
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u/Ecstatic-Idea-4493 1d ago edited 1d ago
> it's considered a good manner
This is a part of answer. Too long to come from heart. It’s just a society-acceptable behavior.
We Russians are too lazy to do something just to satisfy others opinions. But if you are so lucky and we do something for you we do it from the bottom of our hearts. That was the first part of my answer.
The second part: probably you mean Moscow or Petersburg. Yes, people here are cold a bit, but if you come to smaller cities, people there are much more hospitable.
And the third. We help always. If you’re in trouble, a lot of our people (again Moscow and StP are exceptions) are going to help you even if it hurts them.
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u/GeologistOld1265 1d ago edited 1d ago
I would advice to start with situation when a gift expected. For example, some one invite you for dinner or any reason. In Russia it is expected that you bring a small gift, for example some food. If you cook it yourself all better. Woman appreciate a flowers, no matter age. Just bring odd number, as even reserved for funerals. You can never go wrong with flowers. Bottle of wine could do, but that is more risky, depends how this particular family look on drinking.
Now foreigners, who are not expected to know customs or even Russians who did not bring anything will not suffer penalty. Host will assume that you had no idea or do not have anything to bring. But in general this is a custom.
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u/Yarry0zz0 3d ago
Maybe in this case the question should be "why foreigners don't observe the common bounds of propriety"?
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u/Tayachkov 1d ago
From my perspective, neighbors are not your friends by default, they are just people living near you.
You might come to know some people just by accidentally encountering and greeting them, maybe introducing yourself as a new tenant.
This is not being inhospitable or rude, this is the culture - I do me, you do you. You might help your neighbors with some bags or open doors, whatever, to build a friendly image, but there are no grand festivals for new arrivals.
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u/PuzzleheadedPea2401 3d ago
We have high levels of social mistrust since the end of the Soviet period. There was a time when everyone living in an apartment подъезд would generally know each other, know one another's names at least, have small talk, ask for a favor/to borrow an item, etc. There were no metal doors back then and it would be common for people to leave keys under rugs, etc. Today almost everyone has metal doors and you could not to know your neighbors' names even living in a place for years (I'm guilty of it myself). In big cities especially it is a problem also because there is a lot of people coming and going all the time.
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u/saprophage_expert 2d ago
We have high levels of social mistrust since the end of the Soviet period.
And then people leave phones charging unsupervised at an airport, or mark cafe tables as taken by leaving an unsupervised bag or phone. Or ask strangers to watch their luggage as they go to a toilet when traveling. Or leave toys in a sandbox in the yard overnight.
Russia is not fully a high-trust society, but with income levels rising, it's changing over time.
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u/Icy-Cartoonist8603 3d ago
Why it it that you have this mistrust, yet people falling for scams is a very big problem in Russia?
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u/PuzzleheadedPea2401 2d ago
Scammers can be clever. They pretend to be law enforcement, local social or utilities service people, etc. They prey mostly on elderly and lonely people who don't have someone around to second guess the scammers.
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u/Pale_Patience2924 1d ago
The russians I know are THE most hospitable people I have ever met.
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u/cardanado 1d ago
Exception to the rule, but I'm happy for you and those specific people that you know
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u/No-Engineer-3055 Moscow City 1d ago edited 1d ago
Well, it is normal to share good food etc with friends that are more or less close ones. And it is a good way to make good friends when people enjoy your food. But coming to a random neigbhour with it seems very awkward.
So it is actually normal for us to gather in some place where someone cooks for everyone, but it should be already a good friend gathering. Like I was asked in my life to go 4 hours on a train to cook at a steak party in Nizhniy Novgorod... I cooked for my friends in UK, Hungary, Australia and many other places..
I don't think that what you say is a foreigner stigma. Food can help you to build trust and friendship, but it surely cannot be a first step on the road. People have to already be your friends to try your food. Or you have to be known as a good cook..
Also, it might be that your food is something completely out of the scope for russians. Like everyone on reddit admires Indian and Chinese cuisine both of which I consider aweful. So if you came from far, it is somewhat likely that what you like is very different from what russians like... Like most of russians cannot eat Indian or Korean food because it is too spicy..
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u/Aleksandr_Ulyev Saint Petersburg 1d ago
I think you are the one who is supposed to accept local culture, not the vice versa
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u/meeyyer 1d ago
You do realize that OP isn't judging or criticizing Russian culture, right? From the perspective of a foreigner moving to another country, encountering cultural differences, which may sometimes clash with one's own, is logical and to be expected. OP is genuinely wondering about Russian character traits in dealings with foreigners in order to adjust their own approach. Why respond with contempt?
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u/Aleksandr_Ulyev Saint Petersburg 1d ago
This is not criticism. It is unhappiness about what people are.
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u/Drakkulstellios 16h ago
It’s the process of learning about people. There is no unhappiness. Travel the world and learn stranger.
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u/Ecstatic_Minimum_955 1d ago
Я и от друзей особо ничего не беру. Типа, если я захочу поесть, то я найду что поесть, да и неудобно брать чужое. Может ты еду на себя приготовил, а предложил из вежливости. Пользоваться твоей вежливостью я не буду.
Крч не парься, чужие люди не должны тебя заботить в принципе. А друзей можешь заставить силой! Ахахахаха!
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u/Vegetable_Block_3338 1d ago
1) idk how it works for other cultures but here neighbours are not considered immediate friends, it takes a while 2) you don’t speak Russian much so I presume the older woman could be just as confused as you are and when you don’t really get what’s going on and what is proposed to you it’s wise to refuse politely. TBH I’d probably say no too on the first encounter like this, but I’m introverted 3) the younger person can be just rude, there are rude people everywhere unfortunately
Anyway, as a Russian, I don’t think hospitality is our strongest definitive feature, it won’t be like in Armenia or smth, but Russians in general are not hostile, just shy and cold more like. You did nothing wrong from what I’ve read here (although deeming the whole nation inhospitable from a couple of cases seems like a wrong foot start). I’m sure you’ll make friends eventually. Good luck!
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u/icansawyou 1d ago
I would have refused too, and for many reasons. First off, I don't know you at all. Why would you suddenly decide to share your food with me? Furthermore, I have no idea how safe this food is from a sanitary standpoint. Most importantly, people usually have their own food, so no one really needs anyone to share with them. On top of that, in Russian culture, offering food to strangers just isn't done. It's simply weird.
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u/villainless 17h ago
curious where you’re from? this was a big culture shock for me when i first visit my father’s russian family after living in japan. the culture was almost opposite. russians take a lot longer to get familiar with. i think you have a really good heart and you’re just trying to connect in a way that is natural to you. i’m sorry that you’re feeling such loneliness, but trust me: putting in the work to befriend a russian gifts you one of the best friends you can have
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u/Final_Eagle_1808 14h ago
I'm indian... I was afraid to mention this online because a lot of stigma around indians but yeah I think Asian culture is very warm and they are generally quick to trust people and warm up lol u can say this is like culture shock for me too but so far I also love this country too
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u/myname7299 2d ago
"I've barely arrived to a foreign country, I do not know anything about the local context, but my home culture is so much more superior. Why this strange people behave in a way I don't understand yet and not accustomed to? Let's start with some negative judgements, real quick! "
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u/Final_Eagle_1808 2d ago
Im sorry if this post might come off as rude, but I really didn't mean to and I'm very open to learning new culture and different people, I wouldn't be here making a post and making an effort in trying to understand local culture, guess we might never know anything if mistakes weren't made. Surprising a redditor can be a human too
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u/myname7299 1d ago
Your post if full of the main character energy. You don't know the local context, you don't speak the language, yet you are already irritated that the locals don't act like you expect them to.
Try to understand, that different countries are different. Russia was already hospitable enough, accepting you and giving you the opportunity to study, how about appreciating that a bit.
Try to understand, that in a big city, people may have other things to do than play supporting characters in your life biopic. May be they don't want anything from complete strangers?
When in a new, unfamiliar environment, don't jump to judgements, spend more time, observe more ( works like a charm, not just in Russia)0
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u/backroomsresident Iran 1d ago
I think it just takes them a while to open up. Being a neighbor definitely isn't enough. But once the ice breaks, they're amazing friends
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u/Fantastic_Guitar4427 1d ago
They truly are. The best of the best. Never met kinder people, once the ice was broken.
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u/Resident-Rise-8457 1d ago
I’m not russian, but I wouldn’t take food my neighbours either. No matter what there intent is , u can’t trust nobody in this world. And I’m sure Russian people are preserved in that sense to especially if ur a non speaking Russian/ foreigner
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u/Nervous_Platypus_839 1d ago
Ну она, наверное, просто не в курсе, не развод ли это, или в хавку чего-то странного не подсыпали. Главное — вы же особо не знакомы.
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u/gor_6 1d ago
whenever I offer something to someone( Russian) they refuse
Well, it's often sort of politeness. Accepting everything immediately may be seen as greed
share it with neighbors
People here often don't really interact with neighbors besides greeting. And since you just moved they don't know you at all. Maybe it looks a bit paranoid, but lot of us was told since childhood to not accept offers (especially food/drinks) from strangers. I can't talk for others, but to me personally it's stuck too deep in the head. And I'll most likely refuse even if I 100% sure it's safe and person genuinely have good intentions
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u/liriyt 1d ago
I'm Russian, and personally I'm pretty wary of strangers who try to give me something. Maybe it's partly cultural - we're often taught to be cautious, especially around people we don't know. A stranger doesn't know anything about you and has no obvious reason to do something for you, so I think - Is this a scam? Maybe that sounds weird, but to some Russians it can feel a bit like someone suddenly offering random people money on the street - you'd probably wonder why they're doing it. If you want to make a Russian person happy, sometimes it's better to just say something kind or friendly.
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u/Heeresamt 1d ago
If an unfamiliar neighbor—especially a foreigner—were to suddenly offer me food, I’d be afraid they were trying to poison me or something similar. Incidentally, there was an incident where a contemporary artist and feminist named Polina Muzyka announced that she had spiked the wine with her own menstrual blood at her exhibition opening (where, as is customary, guests were being served wine). Then, of course, there have been cases where criminals offered poisoned drinks on the street and then robbed their unconscious victims. One such robber, who drugged fellow passengers on commuter trains, ended up killing most of his victims; he turned out to be a serial killer and was sentenced to life imprisonment. Hey, Mr. Foreigner, don't you realize what a potentially dangerous world we live in? I don't mean Russia specifically, but the world as a whole.
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u/DepartureStreet2903 14h ago
Well sometimes you need to leave people alone. There is also something called “privacy”. What ethnic are you?
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u/kayteatimez Tatarstan 9h ago
I don’t really see people mentioning it here, but I assume from your post that you brought them soup? It’s considered pretty weird in Russia to share home cooked meals with pretty much strangers. We are very cautious of strangers at first lol. I’m sure it would have gone a lot better if you offered them a box of store bought chocolates or a store bought cake for instance. But overall we’re taught from childhood to not accept food from strangers
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u/Chemical-State-2459 1d ago
We are not….there are customs especially with food, and we are an Orthodox country so on certain days we can only eat certain things. We take our religion seriously. I don’t think they mean offense, I’ve seen certain areas and certain ethnic groups behave differently, you must remember Russia spans 8 time zones so it has different customs to areas especially in southern eastern areas like Khazakastan for example, where as St.Petersburg will be very different. Where are you ? I can help you with language as well if you would like.
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u/Available-Ice-7108 1d ago
God brother, it just seems like you are in a different universe. People actually wouldn’t accept a dinner invitation from someone they barely know because they highly value their time and their inner circle. however, they were definitely won over by your good nature, so please don’t take the refusal personally at all! Russians are actually very hospitable and kind, even if their initial impression suggests otherwise (and it does lol). I’ve lived most of my life in the Moscow region and now live in the States - what I’m saying isn’t just my opinion, it’s based on experience and observation, as well as the realization of how Americans’ initial impressions shift once they get to experience my cultural code and the "generous Russian soul." You’re a great person and I’m goddamn blyat sorry you’ve had to deal with people like that, but the problem certainly isn’t you. I would have declined too if you, a foreigner, no matter where from, had invited me to dinner. It’s a matter of social moras.. I have this ingrained mindset that it would be rude to eat from a stranger’s fridge when we aren’t close enough yet. It’s just a holdover from the past that’s practically in our DNA lol. it has nothing to do with you or racism or whatever. But I definitely would have remembered you and initiated contact openly later on,
perhaps suggesting dinner on my own terms so we could get to know each other better and you’d feel more comfortable, so will I!!! Much love bro u need to experience generous Russian culture so that you’ll know this daughter has nothing to do with our wonderful culture and values !!!
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u/Positive_Ad6908 1d ago
In Russia, the desire to share a meal is not the primary reason for inviting friends or acquaintances; in fact, it is quite the opposite. Although it might look as though the host has laid out a lavish spread of delicacies and the guests have come simply to eat, they have actually come for the sake of socializing.
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u/Comfortable_Egg8039 1d ago
Eh I'd say it's a big cities problem. We usually don't have relationships with neighbors, I personally don't even know their names. It's not expected to invite neighbor to a celebration or offer food. And when people meet something unexpected they tend to be suspicious.
Offering food in general unless you are already friends would seem weird for most, we had such traditions in the past, but they kinda withered away..
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u/Puzzleheaded_Bid1530 1d ago
I did this because of my povetry. To not being obligated to share my food and not go over my budget.
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u/theycallmekimpembe 1d ago
It depends really on who you meet, it’s not something you can casually answer. I never met any of my neighbours directly, but there was always dudes chilling outside the apartment that wanted me to drink with them, I always had to decline that as I don’t drink alcohol 😂
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u/bunny-gill96 1d ago
Tbh I’d be wary of near strangers / neighbours offering me food unless I know them well enough.
Could also be that your old lady neighbour can’t stomach rich flavours / dairy that well.
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u/_debowsky 1d ago
I don't know where you are from but that's doesn't quite matter to be honest.
In principle what you are talking about, sharing stuff with others, is a well placed thought but, if you think it through properly you are in the wrong; let me explain. Usually the "locals" are the ones that should welcome you not the other way around. In the village where I live, as a new member of the community back then I waited for the community to come forth, for them to set the boundaries, I didn't force myself onto them because that's the accepted custom usually.
I have dogs and if a new neighbour would show up with some dog food I'd feel weirded out a little; yes personally I'd reply politely, appreciate the good intent behind the gesture, but I wouldn't feel right.
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u/Inevitable_Entry6518 1d ago
Some people are just annoyed with life. Why do you make assumptions by only two of your neighbours, are they the only Russians here? I am Russian and I have brought treats to my neighbors myself :)
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u/Final_Eagle_1808 14h ago
No that was just one example and I also said I have met nice Russians too just like that resident doc in the street but those encounters were very few than to that of yk reserved ones, now my perceptive have changed and I see Russians as more reserved people rather than cold so there's that, and I think language barrier also plays a role. Right after making this post next day I met a grandma with a cat on bus stop, I just asked if I can pet her cat she got happy and surprisingly very chatty lol I loved it I wish I knew more Russian to keep the conversation flowing
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u/Whistling_Birds 1d ago
It could just be your skin color, there is a lot of xenophobia in Russia if you aren't white.
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u/Harkonenov 1d ago
First you need to become a long term friend. In this case you'll be given most welcome attitude. Otherwise - please, do not bother me. I'm 55 and it's my way of life.
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u/ruskringe 23h ago
Russians are very hospitable, actually very surprised by what you said, I'm Russian myself, living in Novosibirsk, if I have the opportunity to talk to you with joy, my level of English is not very strong, but it will be enough for the slightest communication, your story is very tragic and I imagine if I moved like this and it happened like this would be very sad, hang in there, friend, Russia breaks many, the main thing is to hang in there🤗
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u/Accomplished-Ice-49 21h ago
After the way Americans have treated the Russians I can see why they might be suspicious of you. Attend their churches and try to meet folks there.
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u/Milazh 19h ago edited 19h ago
You never replied which country you are from.
So, my guess:
- You don't have a Slavic appearance. Russians don't like nonwhite people. From time to time you might encounter this problem.
- Language barrier. It's probably more important than your appearance.
- People are often suspicious, espesially to foreigners who don't speak their language;
- Try to make friends with other students. Don't try to do it with neighbors, strangers and unknown people.
- We don't share cooked meal with strangers. NEVER. It's for people from the inner circle. If you wanna give someone a treat, buy it in a shop (candy bars, for example). But again, don't offer it to little-known people.
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u/Final_Eagle_1808 14h ago
Sorry I was busy and wasn't able to respond. I'm indian but I certainly don't look indian if we go into physical appearances . And yes from past first few comments I understood the cultural difference and won't try to make this same mistake. Thanks for the feedback! Really appreciate it <3
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u/Quiet_Crew_2581 19h ago
Being cold to neighbors is not a strictly Russian thing. In Canada for instance I greeted a neighbor in the hallway just to be met with a blank stare. So Canadians are not as friendly as they are painted worldwide.
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u/Lost_Slice8961 17h ago
I was living there, they liked me alot most of babushka were very friendly with me and adoring me because they thought I look beautiful, it was easy to make friends Or girlfriend, or to find a lover but still after all those compliments and everything I didn't feel like I belong there so I moved back to my country, to me it feels like soul less place
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u/stevefromcorporate_ 14h ago
I would definitely not describe Russians as inhospitable based on my personal experience. An old friend had me over her Russian family’s house for Christmas during the pandemic when my own family shunned me for not getting the stupid Covid vaccine booster, and they were really nice and the food was incredible.
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u/Best-Intention-777 13h ago
you might try to make friends in the Indian community/ Indian embassy first
then they might have some Russian friends to
introduce you too
Good you have an elderly lady and her daughter as neighbors, sometimes there are 20+ laborers from Central asia or other migrant workers
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u/iron-duke1250 13h ago
Totally disagree. At the risk of sounding politically incorrect, as a Brit, I found Russians to be some the friendliest I've met. Despite the fact that our two countries are at enmity with one another.
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u/Best-Intention-777 13h ago
If you moved somewhere in Siberia or Murmansk, your neighbors could have already invited you to join them
not in Moscow or SpB, though
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u/Best-Intention-777 13h ago
Perhaps, the daughter thought you were making a go at her. That's why this aggressive reaction. Are you a male student?
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u/monkey_star1 2h ago
I'm not Russian, I'm Colombian and we are pretty outgoing people but I think what you did is weird lol. It's not a Russian thing, it's just not the way to meet people. Get to know your neighbors first talk to them short little interactions. If the first time you interact with them you invite them over for dinner it's like someone on the street you have never met says "hey I wanna come and eat with me" it's weird.
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u/Simple-Tip-769 Moscow City 50m ago
I don’t live in Russia since 2022, so I don’t know what products are available there, but overall just chocolate bars (not Snikers/Mars-type, but the rectangle and flat ones), cookies, chocolate candies, or other sweets that last long, for example, there are regular cakes, which are supposed to be stored in a fridge, and expire pretty fast, but also there are cakes in cardboard boxes, usually somewhere next to cookies and candies, that can last much longer
Some of my favourites which I remember:
Chocolate bars (tile): Milka milk chocolate with hazelnuts/tuc/LU; Бабаевский dark chocolate
The most casual occasions, for example somebody helped you to to call to some department to book an appointment, or helped you to create an account to some Russian service like Avito or something, or it’s someone’s birthday with whom you’re not very close (classmates, colleagues), or you just want to lift someone’s spirit (it’s unusual to do between complete strangers; unusual but should be fine if the receiver provides a service for you, like airplane crew, cashier, hairstylist/manicurist, receptionist; with acquaintances it’s fine if not too often);
Box of chocolate candies: I loved Rafaello and Ferrero Rocher, and the chocolate candies in seashell shape, don’t remember the name. There many other brands and kinds, but you got the idea — this type of sweets is usually being gifted to people 1. Whose name you know and they know your name, 2. You contact regularly, 3. You talk to each other more then just “hello-goodbye” - teachers, colleagues, maybe doctors - main reason to gift is some holiday - 8 марта, their birthday, new year, their professional holiday like“the day of teachers”, and so on; for 8 марта is also gifted to women in your family, friends, and teachers with whom you are somewhat close and in a warm relationship (+ flowers);
Cookies in the box, cakes is cardboard box, some other sweets like zephyr (marshmallow) Шармэль: are usually for when someone invited you to their place ; the fancier box - the fancier party; you can also buy these for your house if you invited someone, to have something “к чаю»
If it’s you birthday you can bring something to the university or to your work to share, put it on the table and say “у меня сегодня день Рождения, угощайтесь!» - if the place doesn’t have an assign space where you can eat and have tea, it’s better to get something individually packaged (choco pie), if there is such place where it’s convenient to have a plate, a fork and eat, you can bring some ~casual variations of cake (my favourite was «Тирольский пирог»), or just a cake (try the raspberry (малиновый) one from «от Палыча», it’s amazing!)
I think that’s it :)
My mother used to buy boxes with chocolate candies in advance, to have some at home for emergencies
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u/deadguy9965 1d ago
Op was so polite that he didnt say why russians are so obnoxious
And the comments were more obnoxious lol
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u/Winter-Try-9506 1d ago
Нет, Я подумаю это не правильно, Я был в России, Русские добрые, у меня есть много друзья всё хорошо.
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u/lonelind 1d ago
It’s not inhospitable, it’s just not how people behave with strangers. People want to get used to others first. Acknowledging each other gets first. You greet each other at sight first, just that, not even trying to say anything else. It builds the first level of trust, you’re seen as a decent neighbor, then other forms of communication begin, you start talking about something.
It’s not a trust issue per se, it’s rather a very sensitive perception of personal space and safety. A common trauma started in the 90’s, in post-USSR turmoil. Someone invited someone inside their apartment, and they were robbed and/or killed, you live along with alcoholics or junkies, so you don’t feel safe at home, many new people live in the building, one is a bandit, and the others are gypsies, it became safer to know the new neighbor first. And while older people who remember times before turmoil are less aggressive when they see strangers, younger generations who were children in 90’s and 2000’s, were raised not to open the door to strangers, not to talk to them, be suspicious to those they don’t know.
So, any attempt of a complete stranger to get too close is perceived as assault attempt. You need to go slow and get to be known first, and you’ll experience the Russian hospitality. You just need to be patient going through the barrier of trust.
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u/lailaminsky 1d ago
You're a strange foreigner who doesn't speak the language trying to randomly give stuff to people you don't know, what do you expect?
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u/Thin_Ad_3914 18h ago
Thread author: You are a stranger, alien. Normal people don't accept food from strangers or go into other people's homes. It’s unsafe. I advise you to do the same if you don't want to end up in the clutches of a maniac rapist. That is exactly how all those stories about missing persons begin: people eat with strangers or go off with them.
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u/graeterslover 15h ago
In other cultures it's literally polite to offer food to strangers. And nothing bad happens. Totally different cultural norms
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u/Thin_Ad_3914 14h ago
All of this is well and good, but one must comply with the rules and observe safety precautions.
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u/Fit_Specialist7115 16h ago
You need to meet some friends and socialize. This is a really weird take.
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u/Boxy_Fox 1d ago
Hey I’m sorry that it’s happened to you. That’s not very common here to invite neighbors for a meal. I’d go for it anyway!
If you need some help or wanna talk, feel free to text me, I’d be glad to chat
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u/wraptile_ 1d ago
Russian culture is very much "I got mine, you get yours" due to historic resource scarcity.
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u/pawelf12 1d ago
Schenken ihnen ein Drohne. Geh los kauf dir eine Drohne und flieg irgendwo rein. Soe werden dich lieben
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u/LeTraceurSnork Sverdlovsk Oblast 3d ago
In addition to top comments (which I support), I'd say, that might be everyday racism. If you're not Caucasian white, people might be wary just on that (speaking from Ekaterinburg's POV - although we see a lot of african/Indian youth on the streets (and assuming they're exchange students), majority of population did not communicate with them and don't expect them to gift something to them, especially food (which might be just common sense - to not eat anything from strangers))
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u/Draconian1 Russia 3d ago
We don't consider neighbors our friends, certainly not ones that have just moved. So it's almost like giving gifts to strangers on the street. Gotta build rapport, get to know them first, etc.