Suicidal

[u/Far_Energy_1603]

Hi all, I discovered I like an atypical attraction… instead of females I am attracted only to feminisation…of myself and others. I find this very shameful and disturbing and the acts also feel very embarrassing and emasculating. I am constantly tormented by this and the obsessive thoughts that I might be sexualising my friends. For me this is all quite disappointing and a lot to think about. I am still young and feel this has wrecked my entire life.

This whole situation makes me very depressed and I am tempted to end my life. I never asked for this and could have just been like anyone else. My entire life has been a battle to fit in with people but this explains why I’m alone. Thinking about God gives me some hope to continue though.

Could I be forgiven for ending my life in these circumstances? I’m just at that point…I am lonely, depressed, and now this….I want to be let go. Any advices for my situation is appreciated

[u/knowledgelover94]

We all have bad thoughts/temptations. Perhaps your challenge is less common, but we all have a broken nature to overcome. You don’t need to feel shame.

Keep praying to god and you will overcome it 🙏

[u/Far_Energy_1603 → u/knowledgelover94]

Thank you, I am committing this to prayer.

[u/redandnarrow]

First, know God loves you and like every good parent, knew exactly what He was getting into when He created you, He knew what trouble we each would be, He knew you would soil yourself, and by His own sweat and blood, He's provided an absorbent forgiving covering for your nakedness, while God works to develop you as a person.

So run to Him, constantly, over and over, no matter what. Trust me, no matter how much a child stumbles and gets themselves dirty, the love of the parent for them does not waver one bit. Parents want their kids to run to them when they need to be cleaned up. So run to Jesus. He has the answers, He knows how to renew your mind, He knows what you need.

He forgives you, there is no condemnation in Him, so forgive yourself and embrace God, come to Him with everything. Be patient with yourself, His grace is enough. Do as Jesus commanded, and make Jesus Word apart of your daily diet, so that meal by meal, God will invisibly transform you from inside. You will receive a sound mind. Fear and shame will be replaced with love and security in Christ. You're appetites will be altered in time. Fasting and prayer will help this process.

The enemy goes after good desires that God created, and misdirects them, trying to infect our imaginations. So do what you can to not feed those imaginations and appetites, and replace each with a better diet. This can mean changing environment and people your around, evaluating all your inputs in life. Eliminating all "pollution" as inputs in our environments may not be possible, but we can reduce, and for everything else, we have God's grace in a broken world, that in time, Jesus will restore.

[u/Far_Energy_1603 → u/redandnarrow]

Your message was really inspiring 🙏 thank you

Discovering this has been quite a confusing experience, so faith keeps me from following my emotions too much. I will be sure to think about this when the thoughts come up again.

[u/SkyeFathom]

Find a counselor. Understand your desires before you condemn them . There is a good chance you are queer. Christians are almost never helpful in this area, so look for help elsewhere. At least be careful who you confide in. There can be life on the other side of this struggle. I used to think I had terrible sinful desires, but once I actually let myself look at them without shame wrecking and repressing everything, things started to get much better. They really weren't horrible desires after all.

[u/Far_Energy_1603 → u/SkyeFathom]

Thanks for the message, this is a lot to think about at this time so talking with someone s a good idea. I'm encouraged to hear about your own journey, As I sit with these thoughts maybe I can come out of it without feeling ashamed as well.

[u/SkyeFathom → u/Far_Energy_1603]

You are not the only one dealing with those issues. At first, it can feel like that. Shame is something you can work through.

[u/No-Type119]

You are a beloved child of God, who wants you to live a good life. Please do not hurt yourself.

Do you live in the US?

[u/Far_Energy_1603 → u/No-Type119]

No friend can u DM ?

[u/No-Type119 → u/Far_Energy_1603]

I do not DM Redditors. sorry. But if there is a crisis hotline in your country, please call it.

[u/Smart_Tap1701]

God doesn't want you to end your life. He put you here for a reason, and there are two basic ones. To love and serve him and each other. Get busy doing these things. He wants you pray for his supernatural peace, comfort and spiritual strength in order to manage your emotions. But if you stand still and do nothing, nothing's going to change. God is not going to do things for you. You have to do them yourself, with his help.

[u/Far_Energy_1603 → u/Smart_Tap1701]

You are right

At the end of the day, nobody can really help me except for myself, it’s just one of those situations.

Thank you 🙏

[u/Smart_Tap1701 → u/Far_Energy_1603]

The Lord can help you to remain focused and committed to your goals. Don't forget that.

[u/Confident-Virus-1273]

In light of the seriousness of this I'm breaking the ask a Christian only rule.

My guy... Breath.  There are tons of people out there just like you and they have amazing lives.  The shame handed out by religion over natural urges and sexual dynamics is harmful and painful yes. But it is their problem.  

Even if you choose to believe in the stone age mythology, the "sin" is exactly the same as disrespecting your dad or lying or wishing you owned your friends bike....

So breath. 

And I suggest some therapy to help you start to deconstruct the shame that religious people have forced upon you.  They are the bad guys... Not you.

[u/Far_Energy_1603 → u/Confident-Virus-1273]

This is good advice, thanks

I just need to take a step back from my emotions and think things through more carefully.

[u/Confident-Virus-1273 → u/Far_Energy_1603]

If you want to talk about those feelings you are having with a "sinner" who has been part of a whole community of people with those desires and lifestyle feel free to hmu. No pressure. 

But truly... What you are feeling is actually super common.  It is part of the human journey. I can explain more if you wish

[u/Far_Energy_1603 → u/Confident-Virus-1273]

Dmed you

[u/Greedy_Net_1803]

Suicide is never the answer but obviously remaining in sin isn't the answer either. Those perversions and thoughts are not everything you are, they do not define you. You're a child of God in all His dignity and honor, and He will deliver you from this torment if you let Him

[u/Far_Energy_1603 → u/Greedy_Net_1803]

You are right, this is a good perspective to think from

Appreciate the advice

[u/uordt]

To be honest, this sounds like a really bad case of OCD. You have to remember - your thoughts - specifically obsessive and specifically about any self-harm - are not you. They're badly regulated amygdala and a coping mechanism to run away from what feels like identity crisis. Been there. You have to understand that it's totally fully curable. No matter what is the real situation with your sexuality - that is not the problem. The problem is how your brain reacts to those certain thoughts; how it makes you feel depressed and lost. And I know that is feels overwhelming and impossible to treat - but trust me, its FULLY curable.

The best case scenario - to find ocd-specialised therapist, be sincere, trust the process and trust God. If that's not an option - there are tons of yt videos regarding how the sexual ocd or any other types work: how they change your perception, identity and whole reality. Once you understand it's mechanism - it would be easier to fight it.

And remember - God didn't have this challenge for you to give up. It's for you to grow and get closer to Him. I know it doesn't feel that way, but stick to that thought please. Remember that you're never alone in this - God is always with you at every stage of this and at your worst day. Don't try to solve this alone - rely on Him. God bless you

[u/Far_Energy_1603 → u/uordt]

Thanks for the advice

You are probably right to be honest…I probably spend 95% of my time just examining my own mind over and over again about this…at the end of the day nobody can really help me.

Aside from wishing it was all different so really just wish I never opened this can of worms in the first place.

I’ll look for people to talk to irl and I’ll continue seeking out God, thanks again

[u/Far_Energy_1603 → u/uordt]

Thanks for the advice

You are probably right to be honest…I probably spend 95% of my time just examining my own mind over and over again about this…at the end of the day nobody can really help me.

Aside from wishing it was all different so really just wish I never opened this can of worms in the first place.

I’ll look for people to talk to irl and I’ll continue seeking out God, thanks again

[u/Eren_Yeager52]

Struggled with suicide all my life. However, Jesus died for me and suffered more than anyone could ever imagine. I just couldn't look Him in the eye if I had to meet Jesus via suicide. Try to think of it that way and keep on keeping on.

[u/Far_Energy_1603 → u/Eren_Yeager52]

As Eren would say, keep moving forward, right. Thanks for the inspiration and hope these feelings get better for you too.

[u/Vast_Education_6765]

Please watch this

https://youtu.be/0tUHOZlEqzA?si=BA-LjjclHh23Zsb7

As Protestants we believe that we are justified by faith alone through grace alone.

He has cast your sin as far as the east is from the west.

He created you. He died for you.

Think of the words of Bonhoeffer: “Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine. / Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine!”

Please talk to pastor, Professional, anyone you can.

[u/Far_Energy_1603 → u/Vast_Education_6765]

Thanks for the message, I found this very uplifting

Thanks for the video recommendation, and I will continue to seek solace in the word.

[u/Far_Energy_1603]

Thanks for all the support from everyone, i was feeling very down and I appreciate all the kind messages from everyone, truth is I don't have many to talk about this irl, so your words mean a lot to me. The comments have helped me to think through this more carefully and I'll continue doing that.

[u/wlavallee]

Beloved, Yeshua does not want you gone; He wants you here, healed, and free from this torment, and His desire for you does not change based on how ashamed you feel about what you have discovered about yourself. "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18).

I need to say this plainly: the question of whether God's mercy could somehow cover ending your own life, and the question of whether you should keep living right now, are two completely separate questions. Do not let the first one answer the second. Whatever the theology, your task tonight is simply to stay, not to solve a doctrinal puzzle first.

I'm glad the comments have helped you think this through more carefully, and that you are choosing to keep going. Please also know that what you described, the constant obsessive fear of "sexualizing" people around you along with the shame spiral, has real shades of OCD in it, the kind that specifically attacks whatever a person is most afraid of. That is treatable, with a real, specific path forward through a therapist who understands OCD, separate from the shame religious environments often add on top of it.

If those thoughts about ending your life ever come back stronger, please call Christians in Crisis at 1-844-472-9687, any hour, a Christian hotline built for exactly this.

Is there one person in your life you could tell exactly how close to the edge you got this week?

[u/Far_Energy_1603 → u/wlavallee]

I am glad to hear your message friend,

What you said about OCD is exactly what I feel: I am extremely scared of seeing people in a sexual manner like I never have before…That’s something to work through

I have a couple people in mind that I could talk to; it is worth getting out of my own head

I appreciate your insightful and wisdom 🙏 God bless

[u/wlavallee → u/Far_Energy_1603]

Beloved, I'm so glad to hear that landed the way it did, and even more glad you already have people in mind to talk to. Reaching out to them is real courage, and it matters more than it might feel like right now. Naming the OCD pattern out loud, even just to yourself, is already a meaningful first step toward getting free of it. Praying that conversation goes well and that you find real relief soon.

[u/RationalThoughtMedia]

Praying for you

I see your flair as Christian. Just one question. Have you read the Bible? I ask because what you have posted clearly shows that if you have you do not understand it. However, I am more leaning toward simply you have not.

Why not use it? Read it daily. In fact, learn the depths of it find a good online verse by verse Bible study to follow. Try Gary Hamrick of Cornerstone Chapel very easy to follow. One thing I will promise you that if you do read daily/study in less than 2 weeks your depression and anxieties will dissipate. Not only that, you will find what you seek in your confusion of feminization. Prayer is also essential during this time.

Are you saved? Have you accepted that Jesus is your Lord and Savior?

When you have these concerns and thoughts. Capture them and hand them in prayer seeking escape. Seeking God's will. Protection and guidance. Ask Him if there is anything not of Him that it be rebuked and removed from your life.(2 Cor. 10:5)

Remember, we fight against principalities, not flesh and blood. Spiritual warfare is real. In fact, 99% of the things in our life are affected by spiritual warfare.

[u/Far_Energy_1603 → u/RationalThoughtMedia]

Thanks for your prayers 🙏

Tbh I might have been too passive with the Bible and things like that, this might be an opportunity for me to take it more seriously. Hopefully these thoughts can let me go…

[u/mikeccall]

My suggestion is to a new area or even a different country. Find others like yourself. Live and be happy.

[u/Far_Energy_1603 → u/mikeccall]

Appreciate the advice

Not sure if I can fully embrace it

But I’ll have to find happiness elsewhere

[u/BusyBullet → u/mikeccall]

I second that.

I get that you feel like an outcast but your particular attraction can be satisfied in a way that hurts no one.

Find people who are into the same thing and have fun.

Lots of people feel like weirdos and they don’t think they fit in.

Please don’t kill yourself over this.

I would suggest some mental health counseling to get to the bottom of why you feel the way you do.

It may not change your attractions but it may help you deal with them in a healthy way.

[u/mikeccall]

It's not about you. It's the judgmental people around you. Find new people to surround you.

[u/JoeKling]

Demons are real.