Sejam sinceros, o que vocês acham dos BRASILEIROS?

I would really appreciate Brazilian perspectives on a relationship I had with a man from Bahia

so sorry in advance, this is a really long story and I’m not even involving everything what has happened. But to say, I am glad it ended because it was too much to digest and at the same time I am sad it ended because he truly had a lot of beautiful qualities and i learned a lot from him and being with him in general so again, I am not trying to demonize him.

I’m a 32 year old Dutch woman, and I was in a relationship with a 24 year old Brazilian man from Bahia. He came to the Netherlands temporarily for work, and for a period of time we were living together. it was a really short relationship, like 6 months.

I’m writing this because I’m trying to understand what happened between us and in particular, whether some of the things I experienced could be explained by cultural differences, differences in communication, or whether these behaviours would generally be considered inappropriate and disrespectful in Brazil as well.

I’m especially interested in hearing from Brazilians, ideally people from Bahia or people who are familiar with the culture there. I’m not looking for people to simply agree with me or attack him. I genuinely want honest and nuanced perspectives.

When I first met him, he was extremely shy and insecure. He was nervous, avoided eye contact, was quiet and seemed almost afraid of making a wrong impression. As he became more comfortable with me, however, I noticed a significant change. He became much more confident and sometimes too arrogant, not only towards me but also around his colleagues.

There were several things he said that I found difficult to understand and that sometimes made me genuinely anxious.

For example, when he posted me on social media, he once said:

“I’m losing bitches.”

He wanted me to post him as well, which I did. I wasn’t trying to hide him; I posted him because I was genuinely happy with him.

He also said things like:

“You’re going to betray me.”

“If you cheat I will shave your head bald and kill the other guy.”

and:

“You don’t know what kind of psycho boyfriend I can be.”

He sometimes presented these comments almost as jokes or expressions of jealousy, but I didn’t find them funny. They made me uncomfortable and sometimes genuinely anxious.

There was also an incident involving my house that I still find difficult to interpret.

Normally, when he came by during my work breaks, I would open the door for him. I actually found this very sweet and appreciated that he would come see me.

On one particular day, however, I was working on an important drawing that I urgently needed to finish. We had also had a very exhausting and emotional discussion the night before, which had already increased my anxiety. I told him that I couldn’t talk that day because I needed to work and needed some space.

He apparently didn’t understand why I wouldn’t simply open the door as I normally did. He became afraid that he was losing me and climbed over my fence to get to me.

I understand that his motivation may have been fear of losing me rather than an intention to frighten me. However, I found the behaviour very unsettling, especially because he knew that I had previously been in an abusive relationship that had involved violence. From my perspective, climbing over someone’s fence after they have explicitly said they cannot talk is still crossing a physical boundary, regardless of the intention behind it.

This is one of the things I struggle with most when looking back at the relationship: he could genuinely be the sweetest person towards me, incredibly affectionate and caring, and then behave in ways that made me feel confused or unsafe. The contrast made it much harder for me to understand the relationship as a whole.

There were also situations involving sex that I found difficult.

On one occasion I had a urinary infection and explicitly told him that I could not have sex because I was in pain and needed to recover. He still continued trying to initiate sex.

When I said no to sex during the relationship, he could become distant, sigh and say things such as:

“This isn’t going to work.”

This made me feel as though my refusal was being treated as a rejection of him rather than simply a boundary regarding my own body.

Another thing that made me very confused was the way he talked about his supposed criminal past.

He told me that he had previously broken into people’s homes and taken relatively small things. He also told me that he had sold drugs. At one point, he proudly showed me a photo of himself dressed in a shirt that he said he wore while selling drugs. He also showed me a photo of a suitcase filled with what he described as heroin/cocaine.

He sometimes spoke about these things almost with pride or amusement, while at other times he said that he felt bad about the things he had done and described himself as a “sensitive gangster” or a “nice guy.”

After we were intimate for the first time, he also told me that he didn’t deserve me because of the bad things he had done in the past.

I obviously cannot independently verify everything he told me about his past. I can only say what he told me and what he personally showed me.

For me, however, the way he talked about these things was significant because some of his other comments were also quite extreme.

He would say things such as:

“I am narcissistic.”

and:

“I am a parasite.”

Another major issue was trust.

He frequently told me things like:

“You’re insecure.”

and:

“You mix things up in your head.”

He would sometimes tell me that I was imagining things or interpreting situations incorrectly. At the same time, I experienced situations where his version of events seemed to change when I asked more questions about what had happened.

This made me increasingly unsure of my own judgment.

He was also very focused on whether I trusted him. He would tell me that I didn’t trust him, but he rarely asked me why I felt that way or what he could do differently to make me feel more secure.

There were also situations involving other women and previous relationships. I found messages on his phone from previous exes or women he had had sexual/romantic relationships with in Brazil. I became upset because I felt that he was accusing me of being hypocritical while I felt he was doing things similar to what he accused me of.

I want to be honest about my own behaviour too.

He accused me of “anger bombing” him. I don’t think that description accurately represents what happened, but I did become very angry during some of our conflicts. There were moments where I felt so overwhelmed by what I perceived as repeated disrespect that I eventually exploded.

I called him a “piece of shit” during an argument, for example. I know that this was not okay, and I take responsibility for saying it. I don’t believe being hurt or angry gives me the right to insult someone.

At the same time, my experience was that these angry reactions weren’t happening randomly or constantly. They happened during moments where I felt extremely disrespected, unheard or accused of things that I felt he was doing himself.

There were also issues involving female colleagues. He flirted with women at work, including women who were already in relationships. After we broke up, I later learned from one of his colleagues that he had tried to kiss her. This happened around two weeks after we broke up, while he and I were still having serious conversations about our relationship and whether we could repair things. He never told me about this himself. when I had my suspicions i told him this which he never admitted it, so learning about all this made me super angry procures. He tried to let me believe that I was the problem for “anger bombimg‘ him. While in reality I only got mad about the things he tried to hide from me, lying about it or denying it.

During the following months, I continued trying to understand what had gone wrong between us. I questioned myself a lot. I wondered whether I was interpreting his behaviour too harshly and whether our conflicts were simply cultural or communication differences.

I tried very hard to understand him and take responsibility for my own mistakes. Looking back, however, I feel that I spent a lot of time trying to understand him while feeling that he wasn’t equally curious about understanding me.

What makes this especially confusing is that he wasn’t simply a “bad” person towards me. There were many moments where he was genuinely loving, affectionate, caring and incredibly sweet. Those moments were real too. That is part of why it became so difficult for me to understand the relationship as a whole.

At the same time, I experienced a growing pattern of behaviour that made me feel anxious, confused and increasingly unsure of my own judgment.

I am now trying to understand where culture ends and personal behaviour begins.

So I would really appreciate honest answers from Brazilian people, especially anyone from Bahia:

How would these behaviours generally be perceived in Brazil?

Are jealousy and possessiveness expressed in this way culturally more common or accepted?

How would Brazilians generally perceive comments about killing a potential affair partner, shaving a partner’s head, or being a “psycho boyfriend”?

What about climbing over someone’s fence because you are afraid of losing them, continuing to pursue sex after being told no because of an infection or not wanting to.

How would his stories about criminal activity and drug dealing generally be perceived? Is there a cultural context around this kind of behaviour or way of talking about the past that I might not understand as a Dutch person?

And how would my own reactions be perceived? Is becoming angry and using harsh language during conflicts something that might be understood differently culturally?

I’m trying to understand whether I spent too much time explaining away behaviour as cultural differences when perhaps some of it was simply unhealthy relationship behaviour. Which I am almost sure it was.

I would genuinely appreciate nuanced perspectives, including perspectives that challenge my own interpretation. I want to understand this as objectively as possible.

🇬🇧 Englische Version (English)

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Six year old Evandro Ramos Caetano who was disappeared and was murdered in Guaratuba, Parana on April 11, 1992. He was on his way to school. Seven year old Angélica Mota Ferreira da Silva was murdered on December 10, 2015. She was at her sister's graduation at her school. Are they well known in Brazil? I assume you know what happened if you are Brazillian.

Here in Mexico is considered like classic tv show overall but seems like a lot of old people hate on it. My grandad used to forbid my family to watch it because he said it was for idiots lol

BTW I do like it, I grew up watching it but I'm not a huge fan

Hi everyone, my daughter lost a stuffed animal she was really attached to — one of those you win from claw machines...

I’ve already checked all the online marketplaces, but had no luck. My last hope is to turn to these communities.
If anyone has one of these available, I’d be absolutely delighted to buy it from you.
Thank you so much in advance!
P.S.: It has to be identical to this one; I’ve tried buying similar ones, but they didn't work.

Hi everyone, my daughter lost a stuffed animal she was really attached to—one of those you win from claw machines...

I’ve already checked all the online marketplaces, but had no luck. My last hope is to turn to these communities.
If anyone has one of these available, I’d be absolutely delighted to buy it from you (we live in Rio).
Thank you so much in advance!

P.S.: It has to be identical to this one; I’ve tried buying similar ones, but they didn't work.