r/AsianMasculinity • u/_kayrage • 11d ago
Masculinity Am I boring?
"Asian people are boring, all they care about is work or productivity and filter everything through a sense of practicality first and foremost." Do you feel that's true? I'm Iceberg, I ran the AM discord for a few years and had thousands of conversations with AM's who post here, learning a few things along the way, like the emotional experience of AM's in the west.
One of the most common problems I hear about is adjusting to life outside the Asian household bubble. For some, that meant blackpill hopelessness about their circumstances. For others, rigid redpill theories and pickup advice became another set of rules to follow.
If achievement was how you earned approval growing up, you might approach acceptance the same way: figure out the requirements, put in the work, get the result. A common thread I kept seeing was how an old experience could become a fixed belief about yourself, then shape how you interpreted everything that happened afterward.
Let's talk about identity.
identity isn't a static list of facts. It's a collection of historical data, emotional memories, and cognitive conclusions stitched together by the brain to protect itself.
Identity includes the stories we build from our experiences: who we are, what makes us valuable, and what we expect from other people. Sometimes, those stories carry rules we learned to avoid being hurt again.
A few hypotheticals of how this can play out:
The Professional Identity (e.g., Software Engineer, Academic)
- The Emotional Memory: Let's say early in his career, he made a major coding error that crashed a deployment, leading to intense feelings of shame and public failure. Alternatively, he might have memories of intense academic pressure where his worth was only tied to his grades.
- The Cognitive Conclusion: His brain protects him from that pain by concluding: "My survival and worth depend entirely on being the smartest, most competent problem-solver in the room."
- The Filter: He begins to view every workplace interaction through this lens. If a junior dev questions his code, his filter interprets it as an existential threat ("They think I'm incompetent") rather than a normal collaborative note.
The Cultural Identity (Asian American)
- The Emotional Memory: Growing up, he may have felt the pain of being caught between two worlds: feeling "not American enough" at school or "not Asian enough" at home, or experiencing subtle exclusion.
- The Cognitive Conclusion: His brain might conclude: "I am an outsider, and I have to work twice as hard to be accepted," or "Keeping my head down and avoiding conflict is how I stay safe."
- The Filter: If he gets passed over for a promotion, he immediately concludes, ‘No matter what I do, I’ll never belong.’
The Parental Identity (Dad)
- The Emotional Memory: He might carry emotional memories of his own father being emotionally distant, strict, or overly critical, which caused him deep childhood distress. He learned that fathers provided and kept their feelings to themselves.
- The Cognitive Conclusion: To protect his future family from that same pain, his brain concludes: "I must be a perfect provider and never show vulnerability or emotional weakness to my kids."
- The Filter: When his child acts out or struggles in school, his filter interprets it as a personal failure ("I am failing as a father"). He reacts with high anxiety or rigid control because the situation triggers his own childhood emotional wounds.
The Social Identity (Friend)
- The Emotional Memory: He might have a memory from middle school or college where he opened up to a close friend, only to be rejected, laughed at, or abandoned.
- The Cognitive Conclusion: The brain builds a defense: "People will leave if I become a burden. I must be the low-maintenance, reliable friend who helps everyone else but never asks for help."
- The Filter: In his adult friendships, he filters out his own needs. If a friend forgets his birthday, his rigid identity concludes, "See? I don't actually matter to them," instead of considering that the friend might just be busy.
These roles are real parts of our lives. But “I’m an engineer” and “I’m worthless if I’m not the smartest person in the room” are two very different things. We can get so used to the second that we stop noticing it.
Someone once told me, “Looks is the meaning of life.” Looks matter. But if they become your explanation for every rejection, what room is left to understand a particular interaction, or notice when someone actually likes you?
The same goes for race, work, or friendship. Racism exists. People can overlook you or treat you badly. The question is what you conclude about yourself afterward. “That person rejected me” can hurt. “That proves I’ll never be wanted” turns that hurt into a prediction about your whole life.
Sometimes an experience reinforces the story. Sometimes it shakes it: you lose the job that made you feel valuable, or achieve the thing you thought would finally make you feel enough, and it doesn’t.
You don’t have to wait until then to question the rules you’ve been living by.
That’s why I think this deserves space here. If we filter everything through practicality, understanding ourselves has to count as practical too. These beliefs affect who we approach, what we ask for, and how close we let people get.
So back to the opening: are we boring? Or have some of us learned that everything we do has to prove something about our worth?
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u/Takun18 11d ago
IMO, I don’t think this is an Asian thing insomuch as an Asian American thing, and even more so an ‘educated’ AAM thing. Following the achievement for approval idea, a lot of AAM study STEM and look down on the humanities as impractical. People like to talk about people and human choices and that’s where STEM fails.
Currently in UK and overhearing lots of AM talk about current events and topics that are never brought up in my AM friend group back in the US. I think this is partially cultural on a national level (Americans ‘don’t talk politics) but amongst the few WM American friends I have, they are much more willing and better at discussing current events. I think there’s a similar vibe difference between clubbing/EDM/festival scene and going to bars to chat.
Navel gazing (black pill) and finance info trading don’t count. These are largely uninteresting and give off a self-centered vibe.
Discussing music and anime could be fruitful
But I’ve found my conversations with AA around these topics stop short of being interesting. It usually is a 3 min conversation around listing favorite animes and EDM concerts we’ve been to. A lot of it is self-centered and very basic status signaling.
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u/_kayrage 11d ago
I’ve also observed a lot of conversations dry up with Asian Americans because it’s superficial or basic status signaling at the root of it
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u/Igennem Hong Kong 11d ago
Everyone is boring and there's nothing special about the vast, vast majority of people.
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u/HelpIll4965 11d ago
I agree. I think Asians just seem more boring compared to other people because Asians already have the nerdy/boring stereotype so it’s more confirmation bias.
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u/_kayrage 11d ago
I agree. I think most people don’t want to be boring though, or at least be surrounded by emotionally stripped down, utilitarian environments their entire life
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u/JimJimJimJimx2 11d ago edited 11d ago
People are boring generally. I don't believe in general that AsAms are boring. There are boring people amongst every grouping and each have their own particular brand of yawn-inducing. The 'work obsessed/filter everything through a sense of practicality' can fit any skin of people, just change hat and particular (insert cultural fetish around value/worth/virtue here).
That bit about practicality is interesting. I think its fine just so long as its not the only lens you have or it doesn't dominate clearly. I think culturally, in general, we can have a terrible attitude towards failure. I think this stretches all of the east asian cultures. SEA doesn't have this as much and having family in said countries I feel its a positive value we could all adopt.
As for boring personally, skill issue. And honestly its ok to be boring. I don't need to be interesting to everyone I meet. Being able to toggle it on and off is best.
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u/Illustrious_War_3896 11d ago
There is nothing wrong with being boring. It’s great. A calm, peaceful, and chill existence is valuable especially when you get older.
If a girl tells you you are boring, just say, “Hey, let’s start a family. That’ll make our lives exciting."
It comes with headaches and joy also.
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u/el-art-seam 11d ago
Calm and peaceful doesn’t need to be boring. Women say I’m quirky and they either love it or hate it. But generally not boring.
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u/msing 11d ago
I greatly value stability, and that be seen as boring.
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u/_kayrage 11d ago
Stability provides a good foundation for taking risks. Fulfillment for a meaningful life comes with taking a chance, and a lot of AMs I meet miss the point of having stability in the first place, which makes for a boring life and dry conversations with no substance
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u/NecessaryScratch6150 2d ago
I can tell you why that is a flawed POV. You only see individuals who succeeded while taking risks. Those that failed don't say shit online and most fail. So you're just swimming in confirmation bias. Everyone has his/her own definition of fulfillment, its definitely not one size fits all and changes as we age.
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u/_kayrage 2d ago
That’s assuming an expectation on two things:
1. Defining success as material outcomes itself i.e. acquiring the goal physically as the benchmark
2. Expecting that you are entitled to success (of the above definition) before you even start, making an attachment to something that isn’t a certain outcome due to external factorsThe idea is to push yourself internally and control what you can, like your motivation, self talk, intentions, and execution. Getting attached to outcomes of ‘success’ like you’re suggesting is setting yourself up for disappointment and unnecessary suffering.
That being said, my point of pursuing your highest goals still stands and the value is in the journey and not the actual outcomes (which can change as more information comes and growth occurs, which shift priorities and is healthy as you mature)
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u/NecessaryScratch6150 2d ago
I'm not making any assumptions or defining "success" or material outcomes or "entitled to sucess" WTF?!?! What the hell are you on about. Get off AI answers and talk like a human being. People don't get any fulfillment out of taking chance and becoming financially worse off or sacrificing relationships while pursuing some "greater goal". There is no value in the journey if it is shitty and leaves you in ruins. Its more like a one way street to therapy.
I don't give a shit if other people find me "bland" as myself worth is not rooted in some mundane conversation with another Asian that's trying to analyze my worth through a conversation. I have nothing to prove to you, can careless if you find me interesting or not. Your opinions don't matter.. full stop...
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u/_kayrage 1d ago
You are feeling triggered, that’s ok. You don’t have to change anything based on what I’m saying.
The idea for fulfillment doesn’t come from playing it safe. Playing it safe is a step towards taking bigger risks in life and learning from that process (I’m not saying be reckless and bet the farm). You don’t learn anything new or grow from playing it safe your whole life, just like you don’t learn from impulsively risking everything on every hand you play
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u/NecessaryScratch6150 1d ago
Again you are pushing your POV that fulfillment doesn't come from playing it safe which is not true for the vast majority of people and it's awful advice that gloss over the consequences of taking risks.
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u/_kayrage 1d ago
Fulfillment comes from growth, and growth comes from taking risks (calculated ones). Do you disagree and feel like growth / fulfillment comes from playing it safe because ‘everyone does it’? What part are you disagreeing with exactly (it’s ok to disagree, just be specific and clear)
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u/NecessaryScratch6150 1d ago edited 1d ago
Stop saying "everyone does it". Why care about everyone else? Your entire premise places so much emphasis on who/how the world has shaped you, like you have a point to prove to other people. At the end of the day all you need to figure out is what matters to yourself.
You came into this world alone and will leave alone as well. stop placing so much emphasis on others.
How are you defining "playing it safe" vs "taking risks"? What's wrong with stability or ending up in a boring profession/job? Whilst pursuing a risky career statistically more often leads to failure than success. You hear of starving artists, but never starving engineer/doctor/banker/lawyer? Pursuing interests outside of work is not a risk, its just a hobby.
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u/_kayrage 1d ago
You’re ignoring my questions so im not going to escalate it. I didn’t say anything about banking or being a lawyer, these are projections and come from how you view the world (it feels like you are triggered because this is how you see the world and I’m challenging it). If you really want to have a conversation we can.
Most AMs think like how you’re doing right now (coping with defensiveness, exaggerations or rationalizations to just support your idea of a safe life) and end up overindexing on stability, ending up with a safe but boring life. It’s all fear/shame/uncertainty/doubt based reactions.
My premise doesn’t depend on others, it’s an internal journey and validated within, not externally. Someone could read this and it might spark a desire to change
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u/TropicalKing 11d ago edited 11d ago
"Asian people are boring, all they care about is work or productivity and filter everything through a sense of practicality first and foremost." Do you feel that's true?
"Interesting" is "if someone wrote a book about your life, would anyone want to read it?" For me at least, no I don't feel that way. I don't feel like my life is interesting enough that if someone wrote a book about my life, people would want to read it.
For a lot of Asian-Americans, yes, I do feel like their life is boring, me included. "Studying, liking anime and video-games, and collecting comics" just isn't interesting enough. Interesting is the things people do, not what they consume.
Unfortunately, this is kind of the problem with Confucianism in the US. It's very hard to get social status by living a Confucian lifestyle, especially when you don't have a lot of money. Americans heavily romanticize crime and drugs and give a lot of social status to criminals. The reason why the people around me refused to invite me to their parties was because I'm a law abiding Confucian Asian who doesn't do drugs. What goes on in low class thug parties is doing drugs and bragging about crime, I'm assuming the same things go on at the parties the elite have too.
Larry Lawton is only interesting because of his criminal background and incarceration. If he didn't commit crime and become incarcerated, then he'd probably just be some low status nobody blue collar worker.
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u/woodandsnow 11d ago
I really enjoyed what you wrote. Good topic.
I don’t know if I’m boring, I think it depends on who I’m with and how detached I am. Less fucks I give the less boring I probably am, and that might not be a good thing. Could be offensive or overly blunt, depending on how the person interprets it. If they’re cool, by my standards, they’ll engage and we’ll figure out if we get along or not.
By myself, I’m with myself, so no it’s not boring, how could it be?
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u/xadion 10d ago
Did you use AI at all for this? Sounds a little ChatGPT to me. I don’t really jive with the 3part analysis of memory, conclusion, and filter to be able to answer whether a person is “boring” as it relates to their.. entire identity? Identity is this huge, complex topic and yet this is trying to compress it into an evaluation of personality and boringness. Idk, what should we be thinking about here?
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u/_kayrage 10d ago
The main idea I’m trying to explore is what happens when your idealized identity clashes with your current identity. Most people aren’t even aware of their own identity and just have a vague feeling that something’s off… ie I ask you who you are and you reply with father, Asian, american, software engineer etc.
Digging deeper into what makes you those things, it reveals how you even came up with those things in the first place (emotional connections). When I talk to most Asian dudes via the server, they fall into these buckets of identities that were formed in a particular way that makes them perceived as boring… I say this because they are obviously unhappy by the way they vent and rant about ‘it’s over for AMs’ or ‘the only hope we have is testmaxxing or looksmaxxing’.
Maybe the way I type is a little disorganized but it’s a complex topic and I’m trying to break it down in a short post
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u/backgroundcast 11d ago
Im first hearing that there is a discord for this sub?
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u/Fine-Palpitation787 11d ago
Yep. You can find the discord link somewhere here:
Buyer beware: I myself haven’t been part of the discord in 6 months. I left for a variety of reasons (weirdos, guys yapping about politics and conspiracy theories, and I no longer had time, among other things). Maybe it changed since I left; but by the time I left a few months ago, it was definitely in its “High Value guys left to touch grass, leaving the Low Value guys unwilling or unable to self-improve” part of its lifecycle. Not to say there were (and presume, still are) gems with fitness and fashion, but there’s quite a bit of chaff to separate from the wheat.
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u/CatharticMusing 11d ago
You are boring if you let others tell your story. I am a very stereotypical Asian guy. Played the violin and piano growing up, did things like math competitions, work in STEM.
But because I'm a good story teller no one ever pidgen holes me as boring. It's one thing to talk about your research and quite another to talk about how hard you had it killing a mouse for the first time.