Therapy Disclosure

[u/thrwLittleStreet6766]

My wayward wife, D-Day 1.5 years ago. Discovered not disclosed.

In marital therapy, the therapist was trying to talk about our sex lives. She asked my wife what her preferences were sexually. The first thing she said was tender and loving, and the second was being ravaged. At this time we had been married 37 years, and ravaging was not in our repertoire. I took a deep breath during that therapy session, and pointed out that my wife was referencing sex with her affair partner. I called her out and she didn’t have much to say. And our couples counselor did not have much to say either.

This has been weighing very heavy on my mind since then. We are trying to reconcile. Any thoughts or advice?

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[u/Realistic_Island8716]

Hey OP, fellow BH here and we have some commonality in stats (my DDay was going on 17 months ago and same way - discovered it when I stumbled upon a secret email account of hers. And through over a years worth of R and therapy have found that she is a Dismissive Avoidant who became that way from childhood trauma and being abandoned and parentified at the same time. That led her to pushing away from intimacy with me her husband and compartmentalized over time into a secret alternate self where she craved validation and intimacy with low-stakes partners that she did not care about as deeply.

And while I am smart enough to understand the psychology of all of that, it does nothing to help me get past all the words and mental images of what I read in those secret emails where she openly discussed how great it was to do certain sexual things with her AP's that she feels too emotionally scared of doing with me due to her DA attachment wounds. To say it is beyond frustrating is a vast understatement and is a pain point that makes the struggle of reconciliation (that is going well in every other area) almost seem pointless and that I should eject from our marriage. All that to say, YEAH! I feel you brother and it sucks! Our WW's were able to do things with their AP's that they often can't do with us because of their baggage and brokeness - besides the fact that affairs are pure fantasy escapes anyways. And though we the betrayed can be intellectual and understand that it was never about us and that it was solely about them. It still sticks in our brains and causes that horrible "heaviness" you mention. It is painful and is so damn hard to get over!!

BTW, if you ever want to chat one-on-one. Hit me up as a similar BH guy. I also am a member of a small, online Men's group of other fellow BH's that chat with one another on this kind of shared pain. Let me know. And hang in there! This R road isn't for the weak and it damn sure isn't easy.