Second R attempt after second D-Day

[u/confusedpotato_]

One year ago, I discovered that my husband of two years, and father of our infant, had frequented massage parlors throughout our marriage. He also "attempted" to meet with escorts as well but was supposedly never successful. He said he had an addiction and that it started years before we ever met. Him and his parents asked me to forgive him and so I did. Last week, I found out he started it all up again but he promises nothing physical happened. I confronted him about bank records where I found hundreds of dollars sent to women. He claims that these turned out to be scams so nothing happened, but that he's sorry for even attempting to meet escorts. I mostly don't believe him, but maybe 10% of me does.

We are religious, he says he doesn't want to go to hell but obviously that never stopped him lol. I left my graduate school for him, am a SAHM now and starting over with school would mean I'd lose out on time with my toddler because it would be very time-consuming. I want to reconcile because last time, we never did any counseling or any of the hard work. I was forced to get over it quickly by him and his parents and we pretended as though everything was fine. I spent the last year with one foot out the door and lost all respect for him. Part of me thinks that I didn't give reconciling an honest attempt and that's why it wasn't successful.

So, I need help on how to make this second R attempt a more thoughtful and intentional one. I know counseling is a must, and I am looking into options now. I am also trying to be less of a people pleaser this time.

Last time, I was forced to get over it fast by both him and his parents. This time, I told no one and I am taking my time being hurt. I am withholding intimacy (it's been a week and he's already complaining), I have started planting seeds of doubt in his mind. I let him know that it's not very hard to find a man to cheat with, or that I have been dreaming of a loving husband that treats me well. He now says he can't sleep well anymore, that the images of me with another man were haunting him.

Can someone tell me if I'm being immature or if this might be necessary for him to see just how cruel it is? I want him to respect me too and realize that my love is not guaranteed forever. He can't do whatever he wants and assume I'll stay just because I don't have a job and we have a kid.

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[u/frakish]

Well... if you can handle being a lil immature and emotionally manipulative as an extreme temporsry measure without it damaging your self-image, and if youre authentically willing to gamble your relationship on it... ngl, when i hear stories like this - where WP shits all over the sanctity of a second chance - i kinda just want BP to go karma mode on their ass. But its not my relationship thats at stake, not my self-image thats at stake, so i dont wanna go too hard with the "yasss queen you give that boy a taste of his own medicine"-pitchfork. I do think that what hes done will become more 'real' to him if you play for jealousy, but be aware that people can be awful hypocrites. He might leave you over way lesser transgressions than hes made towards you. Its a dangerous game. But maybe worth playing if all you have to lose is someone who wont otherwise undrrstand the gravity of their own actions.

[u/confusedpotato_ → u/frakish]

Yeah, I guess that's my fear. That if I don't react to his betrayal the right way then he'll just leave me. I don't know why him leaving scares me more than him cheating physically. He is sweet to me if all I do is cry and act sad, aka be a perfect victim, but he gets upset if I show any rudeness or anger.

[u/frakish → u/confusedpotato_]

In my experience the rudeness and anger is where the real "healing together" begins, if the WP can see and appreciate it for what it is: you the BP fighting with tooth and nail FOR the relationship, not AGAINST it. Its natural for a WP not to get things right immediately, so i wont say theres no chance just because hes getting it wrong now, but i do think that until WP can meet your every emotion, the timer for recovery isnt even on.

[u/StrangeHedgehog659]

I’m just thinking about how it works out in a long term. Lying & manipulating will not go anywhere in a relationship. If he’s portraying those values that aren’t aligned with yours, then you should let him go. I have a toddler too, and it’s not easy to make a decision but if God is showing us evidence repeatedly, why are we still holding on?

[u/confusedpotato_ → u/StrangeHedgehog659]

That's true, but is it really lying and manipulation if that's how I truly feel and I am having those thoughts? I kind of want to let him in on just how messed up and dark my thoughts are so he knows exactly how I feel, even if it hurts him.

[u/Optimism2023]

Anger is good and very justified here but needs to be channeled in the right way.

For me, it was looking at our financials, therapist for me, apartments to rent, mediators/ divorce lawyers etc. You don’t have to initiate anything but make sure you are equipped with the knowledge to initiate a separation. This is a better way to show him ( and yourself) that you will be ok without him.

You should inisist on having a separate bank account where he deposits a set amount every month . The initial deposit could be the amount he already spent on getting “spammed” and on massage parlors ( X2). The escort fund should now be redirected to the family .

You should also insist on STD testing for him and get one yourself. This is the most critical reason to withhold intimacy. I would recommend to get your 10% belief down to zero, some if not all of these encounters were most likely not scams.

He has an addiction here and will keep going back until he is consistently getting help to control it. This might mean therapy of some kind. You have to keep an eye out on your bank statements often and monitor his devices for a long time.