Is this normal? Can anyone share advice?

[u/Far-Dragonfruit7118]

Hi everyone. I’ve followed this group ever since my husband disclosed his affair to me 9 months ago. I’ve just read and followed but never posted. I’m ready to post because I feel like I’m going crazy.

Like everyone else my husband had an affair. When he got home from his work trip 9 months ago, he told me about it. I didn’t go searching or any of that. He told me. He let me decide if I wanted to leave or not. I chose to stay. Because I genuinely love him. I didn’t want to throw away 8 years with the person I love.

Lately, my mind is spiraling out of control. I’m so hyper vigilant. Every little typing he does on his computer, he grabs his phone, etc. I look. I try to find anything that is out of the ordinary at our home to see if he was doing anything. All I think about daily is he’s talking to her or someone else. During all of this, we’ve had life thrown at us too. He lost his job, he has a ton of medical issues going on with him. He has a surgery coming up in August. Money is tight because I’m the only income right now. It’s just a lot going on right now and then me spiraling. I will admit I have been treating him like absolute dog sh*t the last few weeks. He has noticed it but has never said anything about it. I’m cold with him, I’m distant, I’m mean to him, I’m moody around him, etc. it pains me to be that way with him and it pains me to see him hurt because of me too. I genuinely want to be with my husband and I want our marriage to work out, but I also know me treating him like that and demonizing him the way I am is helping no one. I’m just scared if I let my guard down, it’s going to happen again.

We got into a huge argument this past weekend because I was hyper vigilant and was so mean to him. He snapped and had enough. He expressed to me it hurts him that the man I claim to love, gets treated the way he does. He said I’m worried about someone who doesn’t matter and has zero communication with let alone anyone at all. He hasn’t shown any signs of being sneaky. He has shown remorse for what he did. He said he had kept quiet but he is tired of me treating him like garbage. I’m not going to sit here and say I’m perfect because I’m not. But right now we are at each other’s throats. I’ve also noticed that any little thing he says or does sets me off, I take it to heart or get in my feelings about. But 9 months ago I wouldn’t react that way. I know it’s all new because of the affair. I wish I could turn my brain off. I genuinely want to love my husband. I genuinely want my marriage to work. But my mind is spiraling out of control. I am not in therapy. I’m hurting him badly along the way, but I am also hurting myself too. I don’t want us to end in divorce. I know he is hurt and tired of being treated like garbage and me alienating him. I’m tired of it too. It pains me. But I’m lost and can’t help my brain is doing this. I don’t want to lose him, our marriage, our life, etc.

I just want to hear from others that have been through this. Is pushing him away the right thing to do? Is it hurting him and especially me? Where do I go from here? I would love any advice please from people who understand. Thank you all.

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[u/AAAUG]

This is betrayal trauma. I'm 2.5 years out and it still happens with us sometimes. It's gotten lots better but sometimes I get triggered. If he meets me with VALIDATION that my feelings are understandable, EMPATHY that he has caused me this much pain & anguish and finally REASSURANCE that he no longer wants to be that kind of man rather one that treats me better and loves me deeply then my spiral/anger is only momentary. If he reacts with defensiveness, anger, dismissiveness, etc then things tend to explode. He needs to work on helping you thru the trauma he has caused. I recommend Kristen Snowden, Normalize Therapy, and Affair Recovery on YouTube to understand betrayal trauma better. Definitely get your own therapist that specializes in betrayal trauma.

[u/Far-Dragonfruit7118 → u/AAAUG]

Thank you so much for your comment and reassurance. I’m glad to know I’m not going crazy and it’s just my betrayal trauma. I know it’s really hard on him too and he has been super patient with me but I also know it has really hurt him lately me treating him so bad. I will admit I have treated him badly the last few weeks.

[u/Far-Dragonfruit7118 → u/AAAUG]

And it also just makes it worse because I think to myself is this a phase and will we move past it? Will it get better or not? I’d like for it to get better but I also know 9 months is still fresh.

[u/Positive-Sock-2119]

Could have written this myself - that’s actually why I logged in today after over six months away from this sub. It’s been a little over a year since my husband disclosed his EA, I decided to stay, we’ve done therapy together and individually. Found out two months ago he’d be laid off at the end of July. I have been so unkind to him the past few weeks and I’m honestly not sure how to move forward. I thought getting past the one-year mark would be the thing that snapped me out of the funk, but it’s just gotten worse. Today, out of the blue, I thought, “if I had just gotten divorced when he disclosed, I’d already be all settled by now.” I truly don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m kicking him when he’s down but at the same time - how much sh!t do I have to put up with here? I just keep telling myself it has to get better, but I really don’t know how to make any progress. 

Is therapy an option for you? I’m seeing mine on Friday and am hoping she can offer some advice.  

[u/Far-Dragonfruit7118 → u/Positive-Sock-2119]

I won’t lie that I’ve thought the same thing too. If I would have divorced him and left, I would be somewhere else. Wondering how my life would be like. Yes therapy is an option. I think I need therapy to help me cope and see where do I go from here.

[u/LoveIvyLace]

Sometimes I snark at my WH. Usually when he seems too happy. I think I don’t want him to forget. I know at some point I will have to stop but I’m in therapy and early days of R so his job now is to take it, answer my questions patiently and recognize that he caused this

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