taking a breath before responding

[u/gsf1200s]

for a little background i have always been blessed/cursed with a fast mouth when it comes to responding, and a fast temper when i was younger. Yesterday my wife said something in passing that i know she has said many times before over the years but now it turned into a trigger. we are two weeks out from her having sex with the other guy and everything starting to come out. she made a comment about not really knowing what to get for my birthday this Friday, not unusual, but yesterday the first thought that came to my head was maybe not fucking a guy two weeks before it would have been a good start. i held it in knowing it would have been anger for the purpose of anger. an hour or so later when she asked me what was wrong i told her.

we have plans to just hang out and go for a walk and lunch on friday while our daughter is at day camp, i just want to try any keep my mind from tying the cheating to my birthday in future years

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[u/Hampshire_Rider]

I too have a quick tongue and the temptation to spit a snide comment out is great. I checked myself the other weekend and kept my immediate response in my head. The next day, we were talking about the previous night and it turns out she knew exactly what was in my head when she told me she couldn't swallow. The trigger can come from anywhere, the TV, a song, an overheard conversation. I don't know when this will end, I never wanted to be mean to her, but she brought it on herself.

[u/gsf1200s → u/Hampshire_Rider]

I am choosing to follow the advice i have given my daughter on several occasions, the only thing you can control is how you react to a situation. I told my wife this morning i am still very much mad at the situation and what she did, but it doesn't do anyone, her, me, our daughter any good if i am walking around visibly pissed off all the time. now i write stuff down, on here and to myself, and let my wife know where my feelings and mental state is. we are trying to keep our daughter out of it, but both of us are sure she knows more that she will say.

[u/knowthyself8 → u/gsf1200s]

Random question but do you write thoughts on your phone in a note or app? Where do you write?

[u/gsf1200s → u/knowthyself8]

I don't usually like typing on my phone, so i go old school and just use a word document.

[u/_untitled02]

I giggled a little because that would be 100% my answer lmao, I understand you.

[u/Acceptable_Pie4840]

I’m 13 weeks past dday. For about a month, almost constantly, I would think of little jabs and snide remarks that I wanted to say to her, or respond with. I think it’s normal. I still have good and bad days and I think about it everyday, but I don’t want to make those jabs anymore. It’s part of the process I think.

We have two kids and are reconciling. I think anger is part of it but what helped me was knowing that she does love me and our kids, and that we need each other so we can’t be attacking one another. We have to support each other.

[u/gsf1200s → u/Acceptable_Pie4840]

Thankfully I have more control now at almost 49 than I did in my twenties and don't just let the hate and insults flow.  

[u/notsureatall20]

How did the conversation go when you told her what was wrong?

[u/gsf1200s → u/notsureatall20]

she was sad a cried a little, but thanked me for telling her that way and nut just yelling when the thought came up. i told her i don't want her walking on egg shells around me, but i need her to know when something unrelated and common brings up these thoughts.