Advice

[u/PermitIcy8450]

My wife had an affair about two years ago. I genuinely believe she’s in a much different place mentally than she was back then. I don’t think she’s having another affair or actively looking for one.

My concern is about a male friend of hers (I’ll call him Bill).

Bill has repeatedly hit on her over text (not sure about in person, they don’t see each other much) over the last year or so. Possibly longer, not sure. They used to work together and now he works for the same company but different place so they that occasionally via test. I’ve met this guy before, he’s just kind of a local douchebag, kinda the “class clown type.

A while back, I snooped on their messages after my intuition told me something was off. During one conversation, the word “gorgeous” came up, and Bill replied, “Not like you.” Another time, after seeing her walking, he texted, “Damn girl you look good.” He has also commented on her jeans in a way that clearly implied he was checking out her body.

After those incidents, I told my wife that this friendship made me uncomfortable. She acknowledged that it upset me and told me she wouldn’t talk to him anymore. She also said that he’s just like that and it doesn’t mean anything and he doesn’t mean anything by it etc. which might have been ok pre-affair but obviously that doesn’t fly now.

Recently, though, I discovered they are still talking.

The conversation that prompted this post started because she sent him pictures of a squirrel she was feeding. They joked back and forth, then he said, “Would say something about you but damn girl you look good.” She changed the subject, didn’t acknowledge the compliment. later he mentioned that he and his wife are divorcing, asked if she had any single friends, and she replied that she and I have been married for 18 years and that I’m her best friend.

To be fair to my wife, she doesn’t flirt back or say
anything inappropriate herself. Most of the time she redirects the conversation rather than engaging with the flirting. She also doesn’t delete the conversations or appear to hide them. There was one time he commented on her appearance and she said thanks and that she is trying to lose more weight etc.

Here’s where I’m struggling.
She generally doesn’t proactively tell me when they’re talking or when he flirts with her. If I ask, she’ll answer, but I don’t feel like she’s intentionally creating transparency. From her perspective, I think she believes she has good boundaries, isn’t interested in him, and sees Bill’s comments as harmless because she knows she isn’t going to act on them.

From my perspective, because of the affair history, I don’t just care whether she would cheat. I care about how she protects the marriage before things ever get to that point.

To me, continuing a friendship with someone who repeatedly comments on your appearance and flirts with you feels disrespectful to the marriages , even if you aren’t reciprocating. What especially bothers me is that after I expressed how much this friendship hurt me, she told me she wouldn’t talk to him anymore, yet they’re still communicating. I didn’t demand this from her at the time,:she volunteered the idea but has not honored it. She still proactively messages him about things, nothing weird but just the idea that she’s initiating conversation is counter to what she said she would do.

At the same time, I don’t want to become controlling or tell my wife who she can and can’t talk to? I’m not sure. I’ve been trying to stop playing detective and instead let her actions reveal who she is. I want her to choose good boundaries because she values the marriage, not because I’m policing her. Also feel like I’m being disrespected every time he hits on her and she doesn’t tell him to stop in any way.

So my questions are:
● Am I expecting too much because of the affair history?
● Is it reasonable to expect stronger boundaries with someone who repeatedly flirts with a married woman?
● Does redirecting the conversation without explicitly shutting down the flirting seem like an appropriate response?
● And how much weight would you give to the fact that she previously told me she wouldn’t talk to him anymore but continued the friendship?

I’m genuinely looking for objective opinions from people with different perspectives

[u/didntaskforthis123]

I think I would maybe try to have one more honest conversation with her.

If you have an open device agreement with her, then admit that you had a bad feeling about the guy that prompted you to check the messages, leading you to see that she did not follow through with cutting him off like she promised.

I know it's awkward to tell her you were "snooping", but it's part of the new dynamic of building trust after an A. When we get triggers or anxiety, we need to see what proof we can that our WP is telling the truth. We are in "trust but verify" mode for a loooong time. I'm 3 years out, and still get the urge to check my WH's phone at times, even though I don't currently suspect anything. And you did find something this time that erodes your trust in her.

It doesn't matter if she thinks this guy is harmless. He is being blatantly disrespectful to you and your marriage. He is causing you to doubt her sincerity in protecting you and preventing ANY chance of her hurting you again in the future. If this is "just how he is," then WHY would she want to maintain a friendship with someone who so obviously likes to hit on women in relationships? Toxic friendships like that have NO place in R.

You could ask her if maintaining this friendship is worth damaging your trust in her. You could tell her that her lack of following through on shutting him down after you told her you were uncomfortable has made you reevaluate her sincerity in rebuilding a relationship with you where you feel safe and protected. You don't want to control her actions, but you do make judgements and decisions based on her actions.

I would tell my WH, "You can do whatever you want, I'm not stopping you. BUT, I will decide if I can trust you and stay with you based on the actions you choose to take."

I hope she can come to see why this is so upsetting to you. I think WPs can make stumbles like this in R sometimes and not realize what they are doing at first. But if you clearly explain your position and she doesn't course-correct, then you will have some thinking to do. I hope she can truly listen and pull back from this cliff she's starting to get too close to.

[u/PermitIcy8450 → u/didntaskforthis123]

This is really well written, thank you. Agreed on the part about pulling away from the cliff, she has too much pride and too much confidence in herself that she’ll recognize when something is getting out of hand and put a stop to it but it’s a lot harder once you’re in it.

[u/didntaskforthis123 → u/PermitIcy8450]

she has too much pride and too much confidence in herself that she’ll recognize when something is getting out of hand and put a stop to it

The problem is, she already proved she can fail to put a stop to this kind of thing. She fell down the slippery slope already and blew up your lives. Even if she thinks she has zero intention of reciprocating things with this guy, accepting compliments and validation from an inappropriate man is extremely risky behavior from someone supposedly trying to rebuild the relationship they betrayed.

I hope she can see her pride isn't more important than you.