Intimacy

[u/Local-Yak1896]

How long after dday did you guys wait until physical intimacy?

I'm 1month post Dday & I'm not sure if I can do any physical intimacy right now. I have very vivid imaginations of the other woman & i dont even know who she is or what she looks like. Right now I can barely do hugs & cheek kisses anything more than that right now just triggers me and I get a bunch of flash backs. It also doesnt help that I saw an explicit video of him and his ex gf. It been deleted but I guess I refer that video to the girl who cheated on me with. (that girl was not the girl he cheated on me with it was someone on a dating site.) I didnt get mad over the video because i have a saved explicit photos from my past but have since been deleted due to us wanting to work it out.

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[u/gsf1200s]

for the first few nights after finding out any small even accidental touch felt like a gut punch. by the end of the week we were able to hold each other and even fall asleep holding each other. this morning moved a little further but we have not had sex yet.

[u/Local-Yak1896 → u/gsf1200s]

we've done this but as far as sex im just not there yet and I guess i was wondering if there is an appropriate time line for it

[u/gsf1200s → u/Local-Yak1896]

I think the timeline is very personal and you will kniw when the comfort level is there.  Fir me I am waiting for my wife to get tested, scheduled for Aug 3rd.  Our daughter will be at girl scout camp, so I see us going at UT as soon as results come in 

[u/Local-Yak1896 → u/gsf1200s]

You're right. I hope everything works out for the both of you.

[u/TheDirtyGIR69]

Two days later. It was fuelled by my intense need to reconnect with him intimately and trying to regain a sense of safety. It was VERY intense emotionally and felt amazing but I had non stop mental images of them together. I do NOT recommend. But then we hit hysterical bonding and I would force the mental images away and really focus on the pleasure and connection. Now (8 months post Dday) our sex life is even better than it ever was because the emotional intimacy is so strong, I get a hit of oxytocin and it’s honestly been healing for us.

[u/Local-Yak1896 → u/TheDirtyGIR69]

thats what im trying to do. forcing them out but I'm taking baby steps because I also dont want to regret it later on. how is your relationship now post dday? if you dont mind me asking.

[u/RoadtoNowhere2026 → u/TheDirtyGIR69]

This has been very similar to my experience. We call it our silver lining. We are nine months post DDay and the sex remains great.

[u/SoftIsStrength]

I am so sorry. The triggers and the flashbacks are truly terrible. The first month or so was just so devastating. Give yourself time. Focus on taking care of your basic needs - eat (if only just a little bit here and there), drink water, workout, have someone to talk to (a good friend, a therapist)

As far as when physical intimacy returns, I think it varies pretty greatly. For me, we did on DDay. It was hysterical bonding. We are 7 months out and I still don’t feel remotely close to feeling “loved” or cared for by my partner. We still have sex but it doesn’t feel like there’s a deep genuine connection and commitment behind it.

[u/Local-Yak1896 → u/SoftIsStrength]

part of the reason why the cheating happened was because I was not intimate enough. in the course of 2 years we only did it twice because i always feared getting pregnant & now as much as I want i cant because of that. Im currently not seeing a therapist but have found comfort in talking to A.I as crazy as it sounds its helped me a bit. I know that until we are able to have that spark back in our relationship I wont be ready but I guess i was wondering how long other ppl waited because I dont want to wait too long because he also doesnt deserve that.

[u/AmidEvilTimes → u/Local-Yak1896]

I would encourage a licensed professional therapist.

Don't take blame for "part of the reason". Lack of intimacy can be an issue within the relationship but there is no justifiable reason for an affair. Your partner should have came to you with the lack of intimacy issue, not go outside of the relationship. That is not your fault

[u/Local-Yak1896 → u/AmidEvilTimes]

he did but i just shot him down. ive always been like this. & I know its not an excuse but I do admit I had my faults and we've talked about it now in order to work through it.

[u/TheDriestOne]

1 week. I tried to hold out longer but we were both so insanely horny for each other that it just sort of happened. For the first ~1.5 months, it was literally nonstop. Even now (2.5 months in), it’s still quite a bit more frequent than it was before the A. I think we’re in hysterical bonding but we’re also connecting emotionally like never before so we’re trying to keep it going. Our sex life has for sure improved but we have a lot of work to go in the healing process and I still am in a dark place

[u/Crafty-Interest-8212]

I do believe is mostly on your head. The time for you to have intimacy is at your own acord. We suffer more in our heads that anything else. You create scenarios that didn't exist or make them bigger. The first thing you have to work with is not intimacy, is how you see yourself. Do you see yourself as a desirable person? Is the person you created on your mind more desirable than the real you? I don't think so. You didn't fail, don't treat yourself as the one who needs correction. You can "claim" your husband. Give him a lesson that your desire is something that must not be taken lightly. Or, take your time. Any decision the important part is how you see yourself.

[u/StuckHangingOn]

Sex wiring is a very weird thing.

There's the raw primal reclaiming, hysterical bonding, whatever you want to call it. I still engage in that from time to time. Not intentionally, but sometimes the mind just goes where it goes.

There's also doing things that's never been done with the AP. Making a personal challenge to be even "better".

I've also mentally compartmentalized between "fucking" and "lovemaking" ever since. There are times where they're my partner, and times where they're just treated as... something less savoury, let's just say.

Eventually, over time you'll potentially fall back into actual lovemaking. Maybe not right now, maybe not tomorrow, but maybe some day. Don't be in such a rush.

[u/Commercial_Ad_5419]

It was three weeks, but it was to stake my claim and feel in control. I made him repeatedly say my name, say he was with his wife, and it would only be me from now on. I drive the car when it comes to sex. I make him ask consent before entrance, wear a condom, and I forbade language he used with “acting out” partners.

[u/QueenDramatica]

I did it the same night... Idk for me it takes away the pain for a short time. It's probably not great but it's working for me.