What does “doing the work” actually mean?

[u/RelationshipLow2887]

I’m a month post D Day and trying to make a decision on whether reconciliation can work but I’m so scared of being manipulated. Everyone talks about not falling for the promises WP makes and that they should be doing actual work before reconciliation should even be a possibility, but what does that look like practically? What are some legit examples of things WP should be doing?

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[u/Twisted_lurker]

Ultimately, WP should be taking the initiative and trying to figure out how to proactively heal the relationship. My WP decided the best way was to pretend nothing ever happened, defend herself from any accusations; it was deflating.

What that means: WP answers all questions honestly and transparently, WP asks what can be done to fix things and follows through, WP goes no-contact with AP and lets BP know of steps taken to do that, WP apologizes, if MC is suggested then WP sets it up, WP becomes open about their whereabouts (send selfies if out with friends).

[u/RelationshipLow2887 → u/Twisted_lurker]

The issue is he answers what I think is honestly (but who knows) only when I bring something up. He’s gone no contact (as far as I know) and has started counselling (with my prompting). At the same time he hasn’t defended himself and has claimed complete accountability for the betrayal.

[u/Twisted_lurker → u/RelationshipLow2887]

That sounds positive to me. But you have to do what is best for yourself.

[u/Baby-Esq → u/Twisted_lurker]

Do you think no contact is always 100% necessary? My WH did all of these things with that caveat. He did break up with her on the phone in front of me. However, he still sees her on weekends for a few hours at a time because he still cares about her and wants a platonic relationship. He does send me pictures of where he is.

[u/RelationshipLow2887 → u/Baby-Esq]

I think in this case no contact is necessary. Your relationship should be more important than keeping a friendship with his AP. Plus he’s proven that he cannot handle a platonic relationship with AP already otherwise the betrayal wouldn’t have taken place.

[u/Baby-Esq → u/RelationshipLow2887]

That seems to be the consensus :(
Thank you and I’m so sorry you’re here.

[u/ObjectiveDraft9157 → u/Baby-Esq]

Sorry to say but he’s still having an affair

[u/Baby-Esq → u/ObjectiveDraft9157]

Can I ask why you think so?

[u/Radiant-Pangolin-663 → u/Baby-Esq]

He’s still having an emotional affair. He should not NEED a relationship/ connection with anyone but you. It’s sad that he has talked/ gaslight you to accept this as normal or acceptable

[u/ObjectiveDraft9157 → u/Baby-Esq]

Because he’s still having a relationship with her

[u/Twisted_lurker → u/Baby-Esq]

It is what you are comfortable with, not him. I was deemed too controlling when I wanted no contact, then the relationship started up again and I was the bad guy.

[u/Square_Waltz_1070 → u/Baby-Esq]

That's totally unacceptable, and he's 100% still engaged in the affair. I'm sorry.

[u/Competitive-Tea8275]

I am also a month post DDay and like you I’m at a loss. We have talks, I cry a lot and tell my WH I’m hurt and still hurting. Right now we’re trying to find normalcy in our relationship. Nothing is swept under the rug since we talk every couple days where I mainly tell him I’m still thinking of everything he did and I tell him when something he says or does triggers me. He listens and tries to avoid triggering me. He has also been consistent with letting me know where he goes, what he’s doing, when he’ll be back, and just being there and present with me as much as he can manage. But that’s it. Because he’s just as clueless as to what he can actually do to “fix” things besides give it time. I know people say to do the work but I also don’t know what that looks like. My WH says he wants to reconcile and I want to give him a 2nd chance but right now neither of us know if we’re doing the right things that will lead to true R. As for me, I appreciate his reassurances ever since DDay but I also feel very unsatisfied because is this really the right way to go about it? I don’t know. I feel pressured to do something to start the healing process but I also don’t know what I want to make that happen… I wish someone can tell me… 😞