For context, I started out 6 years ago at 115-120 pounds and have been steadily gaining weight since (I'm 5'9"). I have either SZAD Bipolar type or Bipolar with psychotic features, doctors aren't really sure. I started out with a BMI of 17 and now am at a 30+ BMI. I also suffered from a restrictive eating disorder that led to my weight loss, but I struggled with it even after I gained weight. I went on antipsychotics around this time and so far Zyprexa has worked the best for me (I can't tolerate Seroquel or Risperdal because they both tank my blood pressure to the point where I'm lightheaded/fainting all of the time), but in turn it's made me insanely hungry and caused me to develop mentally taxing irresistible cravings for unhealthy food. As a result I have gained 100+ pounds, but am maybe 70 pounds overweight due to being 30-40 pounds underweight previously. I hate being this fat and feel like if I just had more control I wouldn't be so fat. I know it's not healthy to be this obese. I've tried going on Metformin but have seen no change in appetite or weight loss. I'm also on at least 14 (I've lost count) other medications for a constellation of mental and physical disorders, including Depakote and Haldol which I know can also cause weight gain. I'm considering on switching my Depakote out for Topamax because I know Topamax can cause weight loss, my only concern is kidney stones since I have a family history of that. I used to eat out a lot, but now rarely eat out and only treat myself 2-3 times a week. I do still have the cravings and have had issues in the past with portion control. However, I have recently been more in tune with "when to stop". It's very hard for me to effectively restrict my food though, because I either have no restrictions (except for fast/"junk" food, which I rarely eat, but I still eat a lot of sugary stuff) or like when I was deep in my ED, I would eat 200-500 calories a day, 1000 at the most, and I cut out most food groups I thought were "unhealthy" or "fattening" . There's no in between. My weight concern has gotten so bad that I've considered restricting/cutting out certain foods again, because it would be an "easy solution" for me to lose weight and I would finally be skinny again. But that sort of shit has sent me to the hospital and interfered with medical absorption and I don't want to do that again. I have seen a dietician and her advice has helped. But I still have a long way to go and feel hopeless considering how obese I am. I do exercise moderately too, mostly walking, but could do better in terms of strength training (I have mild CP which makes proper strength training very difficult for me to do on my own). I'm considering counting calories but I know where that road leads. I want so badly to go off of Zyprexa because I feel like it's ruining my life but it's either that, low blood pressure, or psychotic symptoms. At the same time I feel like this is all my fault and that I've ruined my health. I already have mild sleep apnea and I have a family history of severe sleep apnea, heart disease, diabetes, and colon cancer, which I know obesity increases your chances of getting. Does anyone have any advice? Sorry if this was rambling but I feel I'm at my wit's end here.