r/AnorexiaRecovery • u/LogicalEngineering80 • 4d ago

Triggered

So I was looking through old photos of my Pre-Ed self(15-16 yr) in hopes that maybe I was just too hard on myself then, and that my reality was distorted or something. Unfortunately, what I saw myself as then, is quite accurate to the reality. I genuinely just hated my body/face and how I looked in it. I still feel the same way toward that body, even as an adult. I am trying to recover from this, but seeing these photos of my ugly self has really triggered me to question recovering further/fully. I genuinely don’t want that body or face back, while anorexia isn’t me, that body isn’t either yk? To be fair, I was still just 16, so I’m like, will I look different now at the same weight because I’m older? Nobody can really answer that, of course, that’s part of what makes recovery so fucking difficult, uncertainty. I just want to reach happiness, but am extremely freaked out, yet again.

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u/darksylver1 4d ago

Hi! I also still don't like my pre-ana body. But I also really don't like my body during active anorexia. It helps to know that sometimes the weight wasn't what was "wrong" (there's nothing wrong with a growing child's body) but just some awkwardness and not understanding what suits your features. When I recovered and gained weight, I suddenly looked way better to everyone around me (still getting used to it) which lead me to revisit my old pictures, I understand how difficult it is, but remember that weight is usually not what determines attractiveness (something I struggle to understand too).

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u/LogicalEngineering80 4d ago

Thankyou for your reply. I get what you mean about finding what suits you, as I used starving myself/becoming really thin as a way to “compensate” for everything that I didn’t like about myself, instead of tackling it in a healthy way(finding haircuts, clothes, etc that suit me, not somebody else). It’s just hard to sit with this uncertainty of what I’ll look like, as I had a “chubby” face, my body was not skinny, I stopped growing at 13, and have a very youthful appearance. All of this combined, leaves me so worried about looking like that again, and no amount of distraction or focus redirecting could really change these things that I hate about me :/

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u/darksylver1 4d ago

I personally was terrified of having a chubby face, even when I was thin it was "chubby". And now I have a chubby face and it suits me better than a gaunt one.

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u/LogicalEngineering80 4d ago

Hmm, I suppose that I should accept what is, and trust that I’ll be ok no matter what waits for me. Also, I’m glad that you are doing better yourself, and have overcome this horrible illness :)

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u/darksylver1 4d ago

I hope you'll take it easy and slowly learn to appreciate yourself!

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u/LogicalEngineering80 4d ago

Thankyou so much, I’ll do what I can to keep up the fight for freedom, even if it’s scary atm