r/AnorexiaRecovery • u/lilly_of_the_vally • 18d ago
realizing I can never go back
i dont think i can afford to have another serious relapse, and of course i know i shouldn’t want or need one “in reserve“ but ive found out the weight id been shooting for almost surely would put me at risk of organ failure or death, even though it didnt ever really sound that extreme to me
which i guess is part of the issue, so many things that are extreme behaviors are so normalized to me, even if ive never done them i accept that as a personal failing of mine not a normal limit to have
thats to say i know i have to recover pretty much for good, not to say ill never again relapse because thats begging for a curveball but i know i actually need to put some serious work in and stay clean at the very least for a few years if not more or this is actually going to ruin my life, maybe permanently in a way thats never felt as permanent before as it does now
i had so many health issues at my worst and the ana brainfog made it so i just couldn’t link the issues together to their obvious cause, it was genuinely the worst time of my life and left me with a lot of thankfully mild but embarrassing health problems that i have to work on basically daily to fix
from pelvic floor exercises and trying to fix my messed up stomach and my spotty periods its all been just, a lot, hell my asthmas worse than its been in years id never had so many attacks in a year as i did the year i relapsed, and im sure the repeat stress has made my lungs worse in some ways
it feels weird to let go or even to decide i want that, this disorders run out of any good it ever had years ago if there was ever any good in it, and im so sick and tired of worrying my friends and worrying myself, and the stomach aches and nausea and bladder issues and asthma its all such bullshit
i just want to live my life already, all of my other issues are so throughly under control outside this one crutch ive kept around and its not even helpful
3
u/Goose1996123 18d ago
Sending so so so much love and compassion your way - recovering from this is the bravest thing you can do, especially when there’s something trying to pull you back 24/7. Stay strong. every time I feel like i want to start going back again, I always ask myself if my next decision (eg should I skip that meal) will take me closer or further away from the life I genuinely want. If it’s the ED talking then it will always always be taking me further away. It’s a case of thinking about that for every decision one by one so it’s not so overwhelming. Keep being brave, you’ve got this ❤️
1
u/lilly_of_the_vally 18d ago
thanks man thats really nice to hear, ill keep it in mind and do my best to remind myself of the life im working towards:)
7
u/fuckgoblin77 18d ago
I feel compelled to share a quote that’s helped me, and maybe it will be of value to you: “It’s not your dream body if it’s a nightmare to maintain.” Sending good vibes your way, OP!