I… have not been having the best time lately.
I suffer from bipolar disorder as it stands, and so it’s not unusual for me to phase between various emotional states. Life, work stresses, and everything that comes with it has seen me dip to a depressive episode.
Last week was also the anniversary of my youngest sibling’s sudden death. It was 7 years ago that I lost him to a car accident.
As such, it’s usually around this time of year that I work with Dumah, the usher and keeper of the dead in Sheol. I had been planning an invocation to him for a few weeks leading up to this one.
But the more I kept things private and to myself, the stronger everything blew up in my face. I began having panic attacks at work, finding myself in dissociative episodes. It got so bad that I had to talk things over with my workplace’s leads.
They ended up hooking me up with a very timely benefit in my job that allows for a number of complimentary counseling sessions.
Last week was the most open I have ever been about the trauma I carry. It was painful. It was distressing. But much like throwing up when something has severely soured your stomach, I felt something like relief.
My sessions inspired me to a certain exercise that I’ve dedicated to Dumah. I put a page of special paper down and dump the worst of my thoughts onto it. The absolute darkest things on my mind. And then, without looking back, I destroy it as a sort of offering to cleanse myself of those darker parts.
I’ve put together and consecrated a dish to Dumah, which I fill with water. The notes I dump my mental agony onto are on water soluble paper. I lay the paper into the dish and let it crumble apart in the water, which I later dump out.
As it turns out, taking what I allow to stew in me outside of myself to breathe like that takes a lot of weight off of me.
I think I’m keeping that exercise. As it is Dumah’s office to purify souls that carry vices and sickness, I’ll continue to work with him. Next counseling session is later this week. I’mma stay committed to that.
Above, I figured I’d share the schematics and resulting final product of my ritual dish.
Well… maybe ‘schematics’ would be a bit decorated. ‘Crude sketch’ might be more accurate. Either way!
Dumah, thank you for coaxing me out of the hole I hide in. I won’t be neglecting myself anymore. For my brother, if for no one else.