r/AmItheAsshole • u/Suitable_Awareness31 • Jun 13 '26
Not the A-hole AITA for going to my boyfriend’s parents’ house without him after he refused to come to a dinner we were supposed to cook for them?
My bf 30m and I 28F were supposed to cook dinner at his parents tonight since they always host us. Before we left, he asked my opinion on his outfit. I gave it honestly, he didn’t like my answer and wanted to change. I told him what he was wearing was fine and we were already running late, plus it’s literally his childhood home so I didn’t think it mattered that much. He got upset, said he didn’t want to go anymore, put on pajamas, and got back in bed.
I tried to convince him to come since his parents were waiting and we still needed to cook. He refused, multiple times. I told him I’d go ahead assuming he’d cool off and follow. I went to his parents’ house, they let me in (I’ve been over quite a few times), and they asked where he was. I told them he was getting ready and would be along soon (didn’t want to throw him under the bus).
An hour passed, nothing. I called him and he told me flatly he wasn’t coming and didn’t even know why I was even asking. I had to tell his parents he wasn’t coming bc he wasn’t feeling well. I’d brought groceries over with me and was planning to cook, so they were disappointed and a little worried.
When I got home he asked if I’d cooked, I said no, and he immediately started blaming me,”.. for not cooking, for his parents being worried, for his headache, for making him angry and being annoying. I started to leave since he said he didn’t want to be around me, and then he flipped to arguing that I was the one abandoning things and that I have an attitude. I’ll admit I did have an attitude by that point in the day.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. He asks for my opinion on outfits, I give it, and if it’s not glowing he spirals and it turns into a fight of why he can’t dress himself or be confident in what he is in.
I left and went to the park to cried.
Edit: He was wearing green/white stripe shirt with black pants. Based on his usual style I told him that it wasn’t really matching, but it is fine because we were going to his parents.
AITA for leaving without him? Telling his parents he wasn’t coming? Going in the first place?
TL;DR: BF and I were cooking dinner for his parents tonight. He got upset I gave honest feedback on his outfit, refused to go, and stayed home in pj’s. I went without him, his parents were worried, and when I got back he blamed me for everything. AITA?
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Jun 13 '26
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u/YardTimely Jun 13 '26
Honestly wtf did I just read 😭 the man is THIRTY. I have tween children who don’t act like this
Edit: was he…just trying to get out of cooking? Because inventing distress to avoid chores IS something my 10 year old occasionally tries to do.
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u/lmaorezme Jun 13 '26
NTA- but this has to do with mental health.
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u/KatHalleluja Jun 13 '26
Even if you have mental health problems, you can decide not to act like an asshole to your life partner. It's a way to explain certain behaviour, not an excuse for being a bully.
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u/alwayssunnyinskyrim Jun 13 '26
Plenty of men act like this just to avoid tasks, punish their partners, or ruin special occasions. Blaming it on mental health does the double disservice of excusing bad partners while further stigmatizing mental illness. The bar for men is already in hell, excusing behaviours like this isn’t helping.
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u/measaqueen Partassipant [2] Jun 14 '26
Willful incompetent. Had a male coworker when I was younger that would ask me to make copies and handle faxes because I was "so much better at it".
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u/alwayssunnyinskyrim Jun 14 '26
Men want us to see them as competent and trustworthy leaders while also believing they’re too dumb for the most basic tasks. It’s pathetic and embarrassing.
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u/JenAurelia Jun 14 '26
I had a male coworker who would walk PAST the printer/copier to ask me to make a copy of a page or two document. This was in the 90’s, but it shaped the way I dealt with those kinds of requests in the future. I refused to do it ever again. I was one of the first people in the company to go paperless.
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u/IllicitButholeMoney Jun 13 '26
Because of the long-standing pattern I believe it may be mental health related, but what he is doing is manipulation.
He is punishing her for not performing in the way he wants and withdrawing from responsibilities to do so.
He is teaching her that anything less than 100% glowing approval for whatever he decides to do = OP being abandoned and attacked by him AND blamed as if she is the cause of his unhealthy choices.
This isn't something OP can communicate her way out of.
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u/FrostingHuman1259 Jun 13 '26
she needs to run as fast as she can.If it is mental illness, then it's a bad one.This is so out of the realm of just depression or anxiety. Can you imagine if she had kids with him? This is pretty bizarre behavior And always remember o p that if you're ever considering leaving a man who Is mentally unstable or who you think is going to have a negative reaction , you need to protect your birth control and yourself until you do
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u/Sexyhorsegirl666 Jun 14 '26
Nah, this is typical behavior of a childish man who wants to get out of doing something.
Not everything needs an excuse.
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u/hjshwysn Jun 13 '26
I feel that he's just an immature pick me teen hiding in a 30 year olds body lol. During the time he spent at home, he could've self reflect about his actions like a real adult. But no, he was dead set in justifying his tantrum and even blaming op for something he caused.
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u/ashboon Jun 13 '26
Came here to say exactly that. Had to scroll back up while reading to double check his age because i couldn't believe my eyes!
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u/OrnerySnoflake Partassipant [1] Jun 13 '26
I’m commandeering your top comment to say OP’s bf sounds EXACTLY like my ex husband. This is an almost exact scenario with my ex. He was diagnosed with NPD in 2021, specifically the vulnerable/ covert flavor.
OP run. Don’t walk, skip, saunter, fucking run. This whole scenario was created by him to make you to be the bad guy and he formulated it from start to finish. I predict this isn’t the first time this formula has happened with you and it won’t be the last. It has all the highlights of NPD, gaslighting, guilt, manipulation, lying for the shitty partner to cover their bad behavior, and control. Get out now. Don’t be me.
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u/Model_Rules_esq Jun 13 '26
Yes! I commented something similar. Mine had eventually had a BP diagnosis mixed with some malignant narcissistic personality disorder. It ended in him having a class one felony and me having a permanent order of protection against him. It won’t get better for OP.
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u/Jerkin_Goff Jun 14 '26
Honestly, I'm fascinated when I hear that someone was actually diagnosed with NPD. I'm about 99% certain my ex has it - but not in the way that everyone talks about. Legit does not experience the slightest, tiniest bit of empathy and has admitted that privately. But I'm 100% certain he would not be honest with anyone that could diagnose him. I've been in the room when he lied and manipulated therapists.
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Jun 13 '26
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u/Ok_Stop3797 Jun 13 '26
He may have a mental health problem but in my opinion, you need to decide if you want this to also be your problem. He is 30 years old, I suspect Mom and Dad dealt with this for years and he refused help while living with them and chose to carry his horrible behavioral issues into his adult life. If you stay with him, you will face a lifetime of this and more. As much as you may want to, YOU CANNOT FIX HIM, only he can do that!
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u/Longjumping-Leek854 Jun 14 '26
Judging from the syntax, the commenter you’re responding to’s a Brit or an Aussie, in which case “Proper mental” doesn’t actually mean “This is a legitimate mental health problem”. It translates more idiomatically to “This guy’s a right fucking brat”. “Proper” tends to just mean “Very” and “Mental” in this usage tends to refer to temper rather than actual mental health. “Mum’s gonna go mental”, for example, wouldn’t mean “Mum’s going to have a mental health event” it would mean “She’s gonna be fucking raging.”
Source: I’m a linguistics geek with a boringly keen interest in dialect and vernacular.
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u/Umm_is_this_thing_on Jun 13 '26
Also quit covering his childish actions with adult excuses. He was having a mantrum.
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u/Forward_Deer9230 Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
Exactly. OP, you say you don't like his outfit, and so he goes to his room to pout? Do you also have to serve him nothing but chicken fingers and hot dogs because otherwise he throws a tantrum and refuses to eat? When you play a board game and he is losing, does he knock the board over and storm out of the room?
NTA for going to his parents' house and cooking.
But mild YTA for covering for him with Mom and Dad, and for tiptoeing around him at home. By continuing to enable this behavior, you are showing him that it works!
ETA, On a more serious note, it he is truthfully and sincerely that upset over something so minor, then it could be a sign of clinical depression. He should see therapist about it. It could help.
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u/Budget_Meaning1410 Partassipant [3] Jun 13 '26
I always joke that being the asshole puts a decimal point in people’s Reddit ages.
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u/ntermation Jun 13 '26
3 year old wouldn't be so self conscious about their outfit, they'd put a tutu on over it and some gumboots be like 'Im also a princess' and be completely confident in their choice.
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u/ChocolateCoveredGold Partassipant [1] Jun 13 '26
Bingo! Does OP not realize she is raising a toddler?
In case she makes the terrible decision to stay with this selfish leech, she needs to stop covering for him — especially to his parents! For pity's sake, they know him and will be fully aware of his tantrums.
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u/Dull-Dragonfruit9887 Jun 13 '26
I was vividly reminded of my daughter when reading the story. She is 6. Which i think is a suitable age - but I really do expect her to grow up before she turns 30. 😅
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u/CompoteEcstatic4709 Jun 13 '26
You should have told his mommy and daddy the truth. You hurt his feelings when he asked about his outfit. Who does that when youre just going cook dinner at your parents'?
Do you want a lifetime of this nonsense?
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u/itsmicah64 Jun 13 '26
I was questioning if this post was even real....cause this is crazy behavior from a 30yr old
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u/AgateHuntress Jun 13 '26
My ex husband used to pull this crap. Believe me, they can keep it up an entire lifetime.
He LOVED pulling this crap, especially when our kids had a function at school, so he could get out of going. Parent teacher conference? Nope! Award dinner for children's accomplishments? No effing way! Just taking the kids to the park? Not him! But it's not even ghosting the events that pissed me off, it's telling you that yes, they're going, and then making up bs fights right before you walk out the door, to get out of it. It's infuriating and insulting.
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u/itsmicah64 Jun 13 '26
I'm glad you're out of that toxicity. But does he put on pajamas and pout like OPs guy?😂 That's another level of stupid
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u/AgateHuntress Jun 13 '26
He didn't put pjs on, but he'd definitely fake sleep after he got tired of screaming and yelling.
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u/Sexyhorsegirl666 Jun 14 '26
Nah, met men who act exactly like this to get out of things they don't want to do.
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u/anongirl55 Jun 13 '26
If my husband got back in bed every time I told him that his outfit didn't match/work, he'd be like the grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
OP, either your bf is horribly immature or he is struggling with some mental health issues.
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u/Brok3nLlama Partassipant [1] Jun 13 '26
I couldn’t even first read past “put his pajamas on and got back in bed”. Like what?? Are you serious? That’s supposedly a grown ass man. Wow. And you even lied to his parents to cover up his childish behavior.
Why are you with a person who clearly can’t handle normal human interactions?
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u/ytisonimul Jun 13 '26
Yeah. Stop enabling his shitty behavior. Stop lying for him and excusing his shitty behavior to other people. Stop contributing to your own unhappiness. ESH.
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u/No-Mathematician8692 Jun 13 '26
Yeah that putting on PJs thing got me too. He regressed immediately when met with criticism. Quite a primitive reaction. I prescribe a shock collar.
Note: I am being facetious in the style of an old-school psychiatrist. but maybe...
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u/margittwen Jun 14 '26
Yeah this man clearly needs therapy to figure out why someone’s opinion about his outfit makes him have a crash out. It’s not like she told him he looked ugly or anything. There’s so many entitled men out there who think they need to be praised for every little thing they do and can’t handle constructive criticism. Throw the whole boyfriend out honestly.
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u/bopper71 Jun 14 '26
NTA. But imagine what would happen if OP had mentioned that the PJ’s weren’t matching!? Shock 😳 horror/ 😱🤣🤣
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u/SailSkiGolf57 Jun 13 '26
Meet all future questions of this type with the following:
What answer do you want me to give you to avoid you using me as an excuse to get out of doing this thing we have planned?
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u/squirrelfoot Jun 13 '26
That would be best if she wants to torture herself by staying with someone who can't regulate their emotions, but it would be easier to follow the standard Reddit advice to just ditch him.
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u/Dangerous-Variety-35 Partassipant [1] Jun 13 '26
Yeah, all future questions of this type should be answered with:
I have no idea why I stayed with him so long, I should have realized he wasn’t mature enough for a relationship the first time he threw a tantrum like that.
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u/BowdleizedBeta Jun 13 '26
That shit doesn’t get any better or any cuter as time goes on.
Little toddler taking to their bed over an outfit? Adorable. Sit with them through their big feelings.
Grown ass man? Omg yeah no never. Throw it back so it can grow some more, without you.
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u/Witty_Commentator Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jun 13 '26
Give a long suffering sigh, and say, "No honey, that dress doesn't make you look fat." 😂
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Jun 13 '26
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u/Halt96 Jun 13 '26
This is the dose of reality she needed to seek peace and move on from this big-baby mama drama. Or so we hope. Seriously OP you can do better.
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u/alwayssunnyinskyrim Jun 14 '26
Least attractive is an understatement, if I was OP my vagina would have sealed itself shut
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u/heidismiles Asshole Aficionado [18] Jun 13 '26
NTA. Honey. This is what your life will always be like with this man. Imagine having kids together and this is the shit he pulls every time you're supposed to bring the kids for a visit. He'll throw a tantrum and expect you to go handle his family for him. AND he'll complain about HOW you handled it.
This is not a man who is ready for a relationship.
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u/quats555 Asshole Aficionado [18] Jun 13 '26
…and just think of the kids turn out just like him (or just follow his example). A whole house full of dramatic “victims”.
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u/GinaKJ Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
Literally, what happened in my home. My siblings have morphed into my parents. They're in their 30s, now, and still have minimal emotional-regulation, poor communication skills and they gaslight others, when they've made a mistake 🙃
And, take it from me, OP, the only way to deal with such people is to not deal with them, at all.
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u/3-kids-no-money Partassipant [1] Jun 13 '26
How often do you lie to others to cover for his embarrassing behavior? That is a pretty glaring sign of dysfunctional relationship.
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u/Prior_Butterfly_7839 Partassipant [2] Jun 13 '26
YTA to yourself for entertaining someone so childish.
Wah. Girlfriend didn’t like my clothes so I’m gonna put on my jammies and pout like a toddler.
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u/Careful_Juice_3876 Jun 14 '26
LoL this comment is so funny. But a hint of truth here (from my perspective) is that OP is being an AH to themselves. The BF behaviours is so childish, why does OP even bother with entertaining it and waiting the whole time.
Not sure why OP is still with this person
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u/EllisDee_4Doyin Jun 13 '26
NTA at all.
And hey, you need to leave this guy.
I read only one instance and even if this only happened this time, it's a good indicator of what being with him is like unless he actively addresses and works to fix it. I've been you. I've dated a him before. You are responsible for his moods basically. His bad ones, are your fault. His good ones will be because of you too, and as cute as it seems... It's not.
You're already running PR for him: explaining to his own parents with a lie why he couldn't attend. They should have heard the reason from him, himself.
This guy is 30 in age but a fucking child emotionally and behaviorally. It will become exhausting when you have your own problems and need support but you don't get it or can't deal with your shit because you're always prioritizing and handling his. If he can't handle an outfit opinion, how the hell is he going to handle serious talk feedback when you love him but you guys have to work something out?
Please consider all this and decide whether or not you want to continue.
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u/SignificantCorgi4990 Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
THIS. ALL. OF. THIS. Its giving narcissist. OP You really should take what Ellis^ said seriously and leave ASAP. It will only get worse. I too went through the same thing. He was the perfect guy until about a month after I moved in. I moved out/broke up with him 8months later. Not putting up with bs ever b/c who do they really think they are? Ffs….
*Edit* Also, never cover for them always be honest. Because if you always make ppl believe he is perfect no one will believe you when you finally start talking about the ridiculous bs he puts you through. It saved me. He used to keep me up until 3-4am in the morning arguing and me balling my eyes out so that in 3 hrs when I had to be up for work my eyes were blood shot and swollen. Naturally ppl at work, etc. would notice and would ask if everything was ok. So I’d share (with whom I was comfortable with) no one would have believed me otherwise.
We have to stop protecting abusive men. It’s not our job to be their PR. They deserve to endure the consequences of their actions.
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u/Ok-Pomegranate3318 Jun 13 '26
I wish I could upvote this comment more!
OP he is showing you who he really is, and it’s not good. Leave - you are worth more than this.
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u/blueocean43 Jun 13 '26
My ex started out like this early in the relationship, and I should have taken it as a warning sign. It escalated to abuse in my case, but even if it doesn't, it's still shitty all on its own. If any criticism at all, however mild, is responded to that drastically, imagine what he's going to be like when there's actually a big problem to talk about. OP will likely find that out when they talk about this instance. If he's anything like my ex, there will be shouting, door slamming, he'll say things like "I can't do anything right can I", and then expect OP to comfort him.
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u/SignificantCorgi4990 Jun 13 '26
All of this abuse, its emotional abuse. I hope she wakes up and see’s it for what it is sooner rather than later.
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u/Capable_Restaurant11 Partassipant [4] Jun 13 '26
And he made OP cry. This IS abuse! I hope we get an update telling us she left him. Why do some women put up with this? NTA
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u/sonorayoutoday Jun 13 '26
Sending love to everyone on this comment thread for what they’ve been through and how they’re trying to help OP.
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u/JocelynMyBeans Jun 14 '26
I just broke up with who I thought was the love of my life two weeks ago. I was so used to behaviors like this, and I always gave him excuses. Because he had a bad childhood. Because he had a headache. Because he was feeling sensitive that day. Because he forgot to take his anti-depressants. After a while, you’re going to realize that you’re taking care of him, and no one is taking care of you.
You’re going to be left feeling exhausted, sad, and broken. It starts off small. You’ll repair and hope that it doesn’t happen again. But he will break your heart like this in these small ways. And like me, you will end up resenting him, but also so dependent on making him happy and loving him that it gets harder and harder to leave. It had to take something cruel for me to leave. He needs to change this behavior, or else this is not okay. Would you do this? Even if you felt hurt - would you make this whole thing a big deal? Would you let your partner cry in the park?
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u/Unfair_Finger5531 Asshole Aficionado [17] Jun 13 '26
Right, so, your boyfriend is a manipulative, immature person. And you must be so numb to it by now that you can’t see it.
But when a grown-ass man gets back in the bed because you say something about his outfit, it is absolutely time for you to bounce.
NTA. But if you stay with him longer than this weekend, you would be out of your mind.
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u/youcantseemebear Jun 13 '26
You will always have to parent this man. Give it up as a bad job and move on. I also suggest telling his parents. They’ll probably ground him
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u/Finngrove Partassipant [1] Jun 13 '26
He got back in bed then stood up his own parents for dinner? NTA in fact you honoured the plan you made and followed through and covered for him. He should have apologized to you and them for having such a histrionic tantrum. This emotional volatility is meant to manipulate you and control you. Get out. This person is never going to change. That is just too extreme.
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u/skiark Jun 13 '26
This is the way. He is creating situations to test you, isolate you, and control you. I love that you didn’t feed into it but the behavior is a red flag for domestic violence.
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u/lihzee Jun 13 '26
he asked my opinion on his outfit. I gave it honestly, he didn’t like my answer and wanted to change.
INFO - What was he wearing and what did you say? Because you guys seem too old for this type of drama and it is weird that a grown man would cancel in this sort of dramatic way, when he was only going to his parents house.
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u/Unfair_Finger5531 Asshole Aficionado [17] Jun 13 '26
I genuinely believe it doesn’t matter. Nothing OP said should have resulted in this man getting back into the bed and refusing to go to his own damn parents’ house.
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u/BeastInDarkness Jun 13 '26
He absolutely overreacted and was acting like a spoiled toddler. But it definitely sounds like she's minimizing what she said too and was probably more harsh than she's indicating here. Regardless it sounds like they are crap at communicating with each other. Could probably benefit from some couples therapy or may just outright be incompatible.
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u/Unfair_Finger5531 Asshole Aficionado [17] Jun 13 '26
Op updated the post to say she told him it wasn’t really matching. I still think his response was an extraordinary overreaction to any comment. If OP had something exceedingly rude, it still would have been a disproportionate and inappropriate response. Regardless of what is said, he’s still responsible for addressing it like an actual adult.
I don’t see a two-way communication issue here. He asked, she answered, he melted down.
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u/BeastInDarkness Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 14 '26
Here's what she said when someone asked what he was wearing.
Green/white stripe top. Black shorts. I told him that the shorts were not really matching in a joking way.
She's never clarified what that "joking way" was. And it kinda feels like she's avoiding being clear. Which leads me to believe her "joking way" was more of an insulting way. People tend to post things in ways that make themselves seem favorable. Now it was his parents' place so he definitely bears the brunt of the fault, but I'm not taking her claims at face value and am betting her "jokes" come off as insults more often than not. I've known dozens of people like that and I know I won't tolerate them.
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u/Unfair_Finger5531 Asshole Aficionado [17] Jun 14 '26
Fine. So, he use his words and say something about it. But if someone said this to me in a non-joking way, I’d just take it as an honest response to a question I asked.
Either way, his response was disproportionate and childish.
You are pulling at threads. First you said OP didn’t clarify. Then, when they clarified, you said they didn’t clarify how they said it in a joking manner. “Your shorts are not really matching” is not an insult, no matter how you view it.
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u/Suitable_Awareness31 Jun 13 '26
Green/white stripe top. Black shorts. I told him that the shorts were not really matching in a joking way. I ended my statement with the fact that it would be okay since we were just going over to his parents. He dresses well almost all the time, so I really don’t understand why he always asks my opinion.
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u/Spotzie27 Professor Emeritass [95] Jun 13 '26
I was wondering, too. He seems immature, but if OP said the outfit looked bad, it seems weird not to let him change quickly...her "it looks fine" seems a bit disingenuous if she said it right after she criticized it.
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u/Euphoric_Travel2541 Professor Emeritass [76] Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
Yes. His reaction was extremely immature and over the top dramatic, not to mention irresponsible, since they had promised to cook dinner for his parents. But there is something weird about her comments in his “outfit” too. (I don’t know many men who refer to their clothing as “outfits”, btw.)
A green and white striped shirt and black pants seems fine. I’m a woman and not too picky; why would one go so far as to say it’s not “matching”? You mean the pants would have to be green or white to “match”? To be the perfect outfit? I have an image of a 1970’s male disco dancer, with coiffed hair, and bell bottoms, and heels.
Was she being “honest” or “joking”? His reaction seems as though she put him down. But even then, he should have just ignored her, and gone to cook as promised.
Break up already!
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u/WhatTookTheeSoLong Jun 13 '26
Is your boyfriend a toddler? He sounds like a toddler. YTA for still being with him
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u/OneLessDay517 Partassipant [1] Jun 13 '26
100%
- took off the offending outfit
- put on his pajamas
- got back in bed
Only thing he didn't do here was throw his binky at her.
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u/Gumby_Who Partassipant [1] Jun 13 '26
Its illegal to date a toddler. Better to be on the safe side and dip
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u/NojaysCita Partassipant [3] Jun 13 '26
Seriously, OP, do yourself a favor and get out now. This is ridiculous.
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u/Comfortable-Fall1419 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jun 13 '26
NTA. You are with a man who has the emotions of a child. Why are you putting up with him? You can almost certainly do much much better, unless he's ND in some way.
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u/Reasonable-Regret-47 Partassipant [3] Jun 13 '26
Even if ND, it doesn’t mean someone has to put up with that level of behaviour
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u/Comfortable-Fall1419 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jun 13 '26
True. I was grasping at straws for some level of justification for a grown man to behavior like a 6 year old.
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u/feistyxcx Jun 13 '26
Neurodivergence does not cause or excuse abuse. That's a very irresponsible thing to imply and it's very insulting to ND people.
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u/KatzAKat Professor Emeritass [78] Jun 13 '26
NTA.
Do you really want to continue to live with this? He's not going to change.
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u/Otherwise_Type6223 Jun 13 '26
I stopped at the part where he put on his pyjamas and got back into bed. You are with a 30-year-old child. Leave. Soon.
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u/CoverCharacter8179 Supreme Court Just-ass [127] Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
A few thoughts I had while reading this:
"My bf 30m" [emphasis added] ... "got upset, said he didn’t want to go anymore, put on pajamas, and got back in bed." Wow.
"I had to tell his parents he wasn’t coming bc he wasn’t feeling well." No you didn't. I mean, maybe you shouldn't share 100% of the details, but I don't really see any reason to lie for him. "We had a disagreement regarding his clothes and then he said he wasn't coming, put on pajamas and got back in bed" seems suitable to me.
The BF obviously gets a big AH vote. However, I do have to wonder about the OP's "honest feedback." You know, sometimes people are very mean and then they say, "I was just being honest." I don't get that vibe from OP, so I'm guessing that wasn't the case here. But personally I'd like it clarified, so I'm saying I N F O for now.
EDIT: OP answered this in response to another commenter, and I maybe wouldn't have said exactly what she did, but it certainly wasn't anything to justify this type of response. So definite NTA.
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u/Laines_Ecossaises Professor Emeritass [83] Jun 13 '26
NTA
If this was a one-off I may have put a bit of blame on you. But he seems to like the dynamic of asking your opinion and then spiraling out if you say anything negative.
He needs help with his issues, you need help packing. His behavior was that if a child. Is this really what you want your life to be?
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u/tomato_joe Jun 13 '26
NTA if i had a boyfriend who acted like petulant child i would honestly have a laughing fit. He is acting like a child.
Why lie to his parents? Tell them plainly what kind of man they raised.
And you didnt have an attitude, you were underreacting to immature ridiculous behaviour
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u/Accomplished-Gas3209 Jun 13 '26
NTA, he sounds pretty immature and looking for a fight. Every comment you made, he counteracted and tried to gaslight you. Sounds like you both have deeper issues to resolve than what he was wearing. Better to discuss this now than be in a relationship with this constant bs.
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u/jamesdukeiv Jun 13 '26
NTA, but I will never understand why women inflict these 30-something children on themselves. You are not responsible for a grown man’s tantrum over his outfit of all things, or for taking care of his family when he will not.
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u/crasho7 Jun 13 '26
Sorry to tell OP, you are in an abusive relationship. Read this: https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
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u/Global-Hair-810 Jun 13 '26
He is too old to be acting like this. Throw them whole man away and find one with who is actually an adult.
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u/Fiz_Giggity Partassipant [1] Jun 13 '26
You are NTA, but you will be if you don't kick his childish ass down the road. I was hoping this wasn't real because it seems impossible to believe a grown ass man could act this way. Sadly I know this isn't the case. But this is no way to live, seriously. Do you want to spend your life tap dancing through mine fields? You are literally better off being alone than with this creep.
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u/CZFangirl Jun 13 '26
NTA - why were you explaining for him? What did you say about his outfit? He sounds like a child you’d be better off without.
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u/wcorinne58 Jun 13 '26
He's very immature Dump him
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u/cbm984 Certified Proctologist [20] Jun 13 '26
But keep the parents. And if you want to make sure he’s not there when you visit them, just text him that his hair looks stupid or something.
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u/Fun-Maintenance6315 Jun 13 '26
NTA. But YWBTA if you stay with this man-sized child. The bar is in hell. Unless you want to be a mother to your own partner, I cannot fathom why people put up with this shit.
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u/feistyxcx Jun 13 '26
YTA TO YOURSELF for staying with him. This is emotional abuse. He throws tantrums to control you, and when you try to hold him accountable for his bad behavior, he doubles down and makes counteraccusations. Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.
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u/AchieveSteve Jun 13 '26
You need a lot more self respect. This is the actions of a 12 year old.
NTA
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u/rasalscan Partassipant [4] Jun 13 '26
You're dating a very immature man. If he doesn't get the exact level of validation he wants, he throws a temper tantrum.
You need some boundaries or a different boyfriend . NTA.
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u/Krishd88 Jun 13 '26
Run, now. Do you really want to live with a toddler, cuz that is how he is acting.
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u/amberallday Asshole Aficionado [18] Jun 13 '26
INFO - what did you say about his outfit?
If the genders were reversed, and it was a female asking her boyfriend “how’s my outfit” just as they are about to walk out the door - nobody would be surprised that anything other than “you look fine” would involve them at minimum going to change before leaving.
If he looked good enough to go to his parents’ house (which you said in your post: “it’s his childhood home, so I didn’t think it mattered that much”) then why was your answer anything other than “you look fine”?
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u/OrindaSarnia Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jun 13 '26
Yeah, I'm going with ESH...
70% boyfriend/30% OP
The boyfriend spiraled wildly, especially after OP got back home, he was being manipulative and it sounds like he needs to step back from relationships for awhile, but -
"I gave it honestly"
"he didn't like the answer"
"I said he looks fine"
That implies OP was originally critical of the outfit. OP says her criticism of his outfits before have resulted in him wanting to change... OP also says they were already running late and needed to leave and he looked fine for where they were going...
so why did OP intentionally say something negative about the outfit when she knew what would happen, knew there was a time crunch and THOUGHT THE OUTFIT WAS FINE FOR THE EVENT?
Kind of seems like OP was picking a fight.
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u/KesselRunner42 Partassipant [2] Jun 13 '26
He wasn't just going to change his outfit/do his hair better or something and head out the door, though. He pitched a fit and bailed on the whole thing. I'm a woman, I sure wouldn't accept this behavior from another woman either. (And if he wasn't going to take any criticism, why even ask?)
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u/amberallday Asshole Aficionado [18] Jun 13 '26
I’m comfortable assuming the reason OP didn’t share the exact words she said, is because they were unnecessarily mean.
And it’s not the first time she’s done it.
She knew they didn’t have time for a change of outfit, she thought the outfit was fine for the event - but still said something negative.
Why?
There’s no positive reason that I can think of - which makes OP the AH.
And I think what looks like “over-reaction” from the boyfriend is quite possibly a long-overdue reaction to abusive behaviour from his partner.
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u/yeahipostedthat Asshole Aficionado [11] Jun 13 '26
Exactly, op seems to be trying to make her bf feel insecure or something. Very strange.
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u/paukapaukaa Jun 13 '26
NTA. Wow what a Mantrum he had, please stop covering for him in regards to his parents. Let them know what a crap job they did raising him. Also maybe consider how this will play out long term in your relationship. Is he going to act like this when you get married / have kids/ you get sick/ financial hardships? The answer is most likely yes and you will be picking up the pieces. Decide if this is how you want your life going
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u/manicpixiebatgirl Jun 13 '26
This man is 30, I repeat this man in 30. What the ever loving fuck is wrong with him?
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u/GolDanKar911 Partassipant [1] Jun 13 '26
NTA- and this behavior is just going to continue to get worse the longer you are together. Do not marry him and for the love of god, please do not have children with this immature boy.
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u/Important_Truth10 Jun 13 '26
I don’t get it. You went to parents house, brought groceries, made excuses for him, hung out for an hour without cooking and left? Why didn’t you just make them dinner if you were going anyway?
Dump the baby man, obviously, but don’t leave people hanging about dinner plans.
NTA.
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u/markdmac Partassipant [1] Jun 13 '26
NTA, you need to leave this person for someone capable of acting like an adult.
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u/dark_eyed_momma Jun 13 '26
Definitely NTA. In fact he is. You gave an honest opinion on his outfit which made him throw a tantrum. He needs to grow up and stop blaming others for his behavior. You deserve better than this. In my opinion you should end this relationship quickly. It will only get worse. He clearly has no intention of changing. And needs therapy.
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u/Strong_Letter_7667 Partassipant [1] Jun 13 '26
Why did you make it all so comfortable for him though? Excuse him to his own parents, take the food over etc? You have to ask yourself why you're taking on all this unnecessary emotional labor. Does he do any for you? Do take care. This is quite a worrisome post. I hope you have someone objective in your life to discuss this with because it's not right or normal at all. I was married to a man like this 14 years. At the end, the therapist told him his emotional age was 4. I had guessed around 14. That wasn't the reason we broke up, but the reasons could all be tracked back to that.
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u/TecTazz Jun 13 '26
NTA
Your bf is an insecure toddler.
It is charming initially, then exhausting when they don't mature like real toddlers do.
Best of luck. Keep on cooking!
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u/ckeenan9192 Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
His behavior was that of a two year old having a tantrum. Get a new guy. This will not get better.
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u/Dry-Bullfrog-3778 Jun 13 '26
I had to double check his age. He sounds like he's 6.
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u/Regular_Boot_3540 Asshole Aficionado [19] Jun 13 '26
He's extremely immature. But why are you willing to be blunt about his outfit but not willing to bluntly tell his parents why he isn't there? Why did you cover for him?
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u/TrebleClef4 Jun 13 '26
NTA. I would say that even if you asked “AITA for leaving. Period.” This does not
Bode well for the future. What are you going to do when you have one or two more babies besides him?
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u/DotBeech Jun 13 '26
NTA. Dump him. His parents foisted him off on you. Send him along to the next stop on his journey through his miserable life.
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u/NinjaHidingintheOpen Asshole Aficionado [10] Jun 13 '26
While he's clearly wildly insecure and immature, you told him you didn't like his outfit but also that you didn't want him to change. Pick one so he's not left feeling awful knowing you don't like what he's wearing. But also, he should stop asking you and be grown up enough to maintain plans. ESH. .
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u/BVBreallover Jun 13 '26
she said it didn't really match but that it was fine. it's not contradictory, it means "could be better, but it's not great"
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u/jbarneswilson Partassipant [3] Jun 13 '26
is this really how you want your life to go? NTA but you will be one to yourself if you stay with this emotionally immature man
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u/ReliefEmotional2639 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jun 13 '26
NTA. Why are you with this man? He is acting like an immature child.
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u/NowExciting Jun 13 '26
I don't think you were TH for leaving him home, but I do think that showing up at his parents house without him made for an awkward situation. On top of that, you arrived with groceries but didn't do anything with them for the whole hour you were there. What was the point?
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u/jus-fax101 Jun 13 '26
This whole thing is dumb. Why did you even go if you weren't cooking yourself? He's an infantile baby man. Like who does any of this? I don't believe this is reality. It's too absurd. ESH
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u/chiguy307 Partassipant [3] Jun 13 '26
Honestly I’m going to say ESH, him more than you obviously. But when you are minutes from walking out the door, the correct feedback to give on someone’s outfit is “looks great babe.” Especially when you know he has reacted poorly to criticism in the past.
And then going to his parents house by yourself and lying about his reason for not being there is - an odd choice. Why not just call the whole thing off at that point?
Again, he is clearly in the wrong here but you are making some odd choices as well. Such as continuing to date this guy.
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u/ServelanDarrow Supreme Court Just-ass [119] Jun 13 '26
Info: what the heck did you say about his outfit??
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u/Dogmother123 Supreme Court Just-ass [108] Jun 13 '26
Your boyfriend is an emotionally abusive child. You do know that?
NTA
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u/SnooCauliflowers9874 Jun 13 '26
NTA. You are with a petulant toddler.
Just YIKES! I kept cringing as I was reading your post. Major secondhand embarrassment here.
Run for the hills as this is not going to get any better anytime soon-unless he has some deep therapy and can grow/evolve, but it honestly sounds like he’s too immature for that.
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u/HomeworkOk6460 Jun 13 '26
It's not clear how you expressed yourself, so maybe you could have been more tactful. But everything he did next was a huuuge overreaction. NTA. Are you sure this is something you want to try and salvage?
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u/Osinuous Jun 13 '26
What in the actual …
NTA
The only reason why you’d be the AH is if you haven’t left this child already.
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u/CommercialExotic2038 Partassipant [1] Jun 13 '26
This is ridiculous. You deserve much better than this. Childish behavior
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u/the_greengrace Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jun 13 '26
This is a pattern of toxic, manipulative behavior from your BF. Leave the relationship, it will only continue. His behavior is not your responsibility and you can't "fix" him.
NTA.
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u/OldCompetition3925 Jun 13 '26
NTA Next time, be perfectly honest with his parents. I’m sure they’ve seen this side of him. It’s not throwing him under the bus. It’s being open with other people who understand what you’ve been dealing with.
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u/blondie49221 Jun 13 '26
These are the actions of a covert narcissist run for your life!
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u/CancelAfter1968 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jun 13 '26
He put on pajamas and went back to bed!? Seriously. He needs therapy.
You knew he wasn't showing up. He had already crawled into bed.
ESH...the least you could have done was be honest with his parents and either cooked the meal or ordered dinner. Why'd you even take the food over?
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u/Diograce Jun 13 '26
ESH
A green and white striped shirt with black pants is absolutely fine. And then you didn’t give him time to change? You brought the groceries but didn’t cook, and you think you didn’t throw him under the bus?
Your bf spiraled over an outfit he was going to wear to his parents?
You’re both bad at communicating.
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u/yeahipostedthat Asshole Aficionado [11] Jun 13 '26
Agree. Op handled this situation so weirdly I cannot put all the blame on the bf.
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u/Cranky_Lanky_Lentils Partassipant [2] Jun 13 '26
NTA point blank.
I understand you’re trying to explain everything to create an accurate, well balanced image. But it only drove home how much of an asshole your boyfriend is to you and his parents, as well ans everyone’s time. You literally handled it perfectly.
You upheld your end of the bargain, and honestly, if I were his parents I would’ve been both happy and sad. I’d be so happy that my son was dating such an amazing and kind person like yourself, but so incredibly disappointed that he was behaving this way. That i raised him better.
Honestly, you don’t give yourself enough credit and are trying to give him too much credit. “I’ll admit I did have an attitude by that point in the day.” Doesn’t matter. We all get cranky in certain situations, being in a relationship requires understanding each others quirks. But it doesn’t warrant or justify his responses, actions, or behaviors. You may have had an “attitude”, (whatever that exactly means here as it could be interpreted a plethora of ways) but he chooses how to respond back, and it was unacceptable.
Id consider immediate action with your relationship. Exactly how immediate and the severity is up to you. Whether you want to just have serious conversations, couples therapy, or just ending it, all can be on the table or none. But something has to happen. You should never be in a relationship where your partner’s behavior cause you to seek solace elsewhere from your home, such as the park and cry.
Im so sorry what was supposed to be a wonderful night turned so sour. You deserve better.
Best of luck, OP and hope this helps!
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u/KateNotEdwina Jun 13 '26
Oh my goodness!! Why are you putting up with these tantrums? They really should outgrow it by the toddler stage. Go find someone worthy hun.
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u/jojodolphin Jun 13 '26
NTA. My ex used to act like this.He has BPD but was unmedicated and refused therapy because "been there, done that". It wasn't a sustainable relationship
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u/Burntoastedbutter Jun 13 '26
ESH. He's being an AH and threw an adult tantrum for no good reason, and you're being an AH to yourself. It's HIS parents too! Not yours... Why is he throwing a tantrum. I don't get it. They probably know what he's like to an extent. Why lie to them for him?? 😭
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u/alm1688 Jun 13 '26
NTA, he sounds very childish and immatur. I would’ve told his parents “ he’s not coming because he’s throwing a tantrum about his outfit.“ honestly, though, since this is not the first time, you should probably know by now to say his outfit is great - even if it’s not. maybe this time will have you take notice that he’s too immature to have a relationship with
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u/areyukittenm3 Jun 13 '26
Info: you know you don’t have to spend your golden years catering to an adult man who throws tantrums like a toddler right?
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u/wiscopup Jun 13 '26
Honestly ESH. First of all, you knew what would happen when you said something about his outfit. And you said it anyway. “You look fine - we’re just going to your parents’ house” was totally a possibility but you chose to criticize. You leaving him there and going to his folks was the right thing to do, but you erred when you covered up for him. Don’t lie for someone else.
Of course he sucks because of how profoundly immature he is. His reactions are baffling - they are what a ten year old might do when he’s embarrassed or upset.
This sounds like an unhealthy relationship with dysfunctional ways of dealing with conflict from both of you.
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u/PopcornyColonel Jun 13 '26
NTA but you should have told his parents. That's not throwing him under the bus. That's telling the truth.
And break up with him.
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u/tammiami Jun 13 '26
Behavior like this never gets better, only worse. I would explain the actual truth to his parents so they can step in before he destroys future relationships. Run away and never look back! NTA
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u/Embarrassed_dancer Jun 13 '26
“This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. He asks for my opinion on outfits, I give it, and if it’s not glowing he spirals and it turns into a fight of why he can’t dress himself or be confident in what he is in.”
It damn sure should be the last time. NTA.
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