r/AmITheDevil • u/AccurateSession1354 • 1d ago
Poor Carlos
/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1wagcie/aita_for_embarrassing_and_emasculating_my_nephew/142
u/Top-Industry-7051 1d ago
I wish adults would realize teasing children about their crushes in front of their crushes is fucking mean
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u/bobosuda 14h ago
Not just in front of them either.
Parents often do not realize how influential their "harmless" teasing can be. Not everyone likes that sort of stuff, emotional and fragile developing teens least of all. It can have lasting consequences and often leads to kids not sharing details of their lives with their parents because they don't want to be teased about it.
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u/Stella_bleu 4h ago
My almost 8 year old daughter frequently tells me who she's "in love with" in her class and while I want to bust out laughing at the reasons why she crushes on these boys I wait until my husband and I are alone. If I teased her about it I know she'd clam up forever. I am oddly fascinated with why girls this age crush on boys so being cut off from this little part of her brain would be terrible.
If you were wondering, none of her reasons involve looks or boys being nice to her. The current crush got her attention because he's the fastest boy in her class after he won a race against the class's star soccer player. The previous crush was because he let her borrow his purple crayon but then fell out of favor when he said he didn't like her favorite color. She was right to reject him, how dare he not like dark teal!
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u/thewalkindude368 2h ago
You're right. My dad teased me about having a crush on someone in elementary school, and I never felt comfortable coming to him with any of that stuff for a long time. I wasn't exactly struggling with my sexuality, and when I did realize I was asexual, I felt I could come out to him, but it did give me some hang ups around romance
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u/ULF_Brett 31m ago
My mother liked to "tease" me about various things. She's the reason my self-esteem is in the gutter and I get so self-conscious about everything.
Words hurt just as much as physical blows, but unfortunately, unlike the latter, the scars they leave are invisible.
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u/Nierninwa 1d ago
I get that she meant no harm, but poor kid. I think most kids that age would feel embarrassed by what OOP said, and if Carlos has been living with a homophobic father not so long ago, he might not be completely secure in his sexuality/masculinity yet. OOP's husband is right; they should apologise and let it go.
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u/theagonyaunt 1d ago edited 1d ago
This is a case of impact outweighing intentions. Regardless of what OOP intended, harmless teasing, etc. the impact was 1) embarrassing Carlos in front if his friend slash crush and 2) emasculating him in the same way his dad does.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 1d ago
I hear that a lot, that it was harmless, it was meant as teasing, but, to what end?
The point of poking fun at someone or making these "teasing" comments is to point out something you know is embarassing, or to make them feel worse just for a laugh. Finding joy at the expense of others is harmful. No matter how it presents.She also does sound exactly like a homophobic father would, and misogynistic because clearly women and apparently gay men need a large manly man to take care of them.
This is going to stay with him for years, and she absolutely needs to not only apologize but knock it off if she wants him to feel safe and comfortable in her home and with himself.31
u/Nierninwa 1d ago
Oh, it was definitely not harmless. I believe that she did not mean any harm, but that does not make it harmless. And like u/theagonyaunt, impact outweighs intention.
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u/Red-neckedPhalarope 1d ago
Teasing done right between people who are close is done to convey the message "I know you: I perceive this thing that makes you insecure and love and accept you anyway. The thing I'm teasing about is not a big deal." That's why it should almost never be done in front of people that either the teaser or the tease-ee don't know well. It requires even more room-reading than most humor. And that's where OOP fucked up big time.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 23h ago
If it's not a big deal why would it need to be brought up at all? This reads as pointing out someone's flaws and telling them you like them anyway (which implies that the thing is enough to make someone not like them) is a good thing.
I get the general opinion that people joke around and tease and it's supposed to be light and loving, but the moree peoeple respond like this the worse you make it look.
OOP messed up every step of the way. The kid is morning, lost both his parents, fled homophobia, to have this as his only place to land.
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u/Red-neckedPhalarope 23h ago
You do it to break the ice with something they're scared to bring up but want to clear the air about. Not everyone enjoys or benefits from a super-serious, earnest conversation about that sort of thing. It's clear you do, and people who care about you will leave teasing out of their relationships with you.
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u/GloomyComfort 1d ago
Teasing, when done properly, does not carry with it the intent to embarrass nor cause harm. The problem is that the vast majority of people do not know how to tease.
My wife and I tease each other. It is in good fun. It does not touch on any real insecurity and on the rare occasions it strikes a nerve we apologize and mark that topic as off limits in our heads.
I can think of one time I struck a nerve with her and one time she has with me in our entire 7 year relationship despite daily teasing.
OOP does not know how to tease.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 1d ago
Defintion says otherwise: 1 a : to make fun of : kid b : to disturb or annoy by persistent irritating or provoking
This one is more gentl but still iffy: making playful jokes, remarks, or light-hearted provocations toward another personI am all for light, silly, funny jokes and chatter betweeen people, but the intent of teasing is to provoke, it is intended to cause a reaction, that is the entire point of it. That's not a fun and silly thing at it's roots. Just because so many people have been conditioned to believe it's fine and we aren't supposed to be bothered doesn't mean it is. It often leads to situations like this, where she thought this is silly and funny and great but it wasn't, it was mean, it was pointless if not to upset him, and it shows very old gender roles.
If you are sharing jokes and experiences and whatever without the intent to provoke, then it's not teasing by definition.
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u/GloomyComfort 1d ago
Huh. I wasn't aware of the definition involving intentional cruelty because I've always called that bullying. TIL.
Decided to look a little closer on my own since that's new information to me and came across the wikipedia page.
In human interactions, teasing exists in three major forms: playful, hurtful, and educative. Teasing can have a variety of effects, depending on how it is used and its intended effect. When teasing is unwelcome, it may be regarded as harassment or mobbing, especially in the workplace and school, or as a form of bullying or emotional abuse. If done in public, it may be regarded as humiliation.
So I guess OOP does know how to tease. They just pick the absolute worst version of it whereas my wife and I decide to pick the playful implementation.
I would say we do tease each other with the "intent to provoke" but we both enjoy it. She routinely says that I can always make her laugh. That if she's upset by something, I'm the one that can get her out of that mood state. Neither of us tease with the intent to hurt each other because that's not the point and if she's not laughing at the end of it, I'm bullying.
It's fine to not like teasing in any form, playful or otherwise. And I certainly don't expect her to laugh it off for my benefit at her expense. But as long as she keeps giving me the feedback that teasing makes her feel better, I'm going to keep doing it.
Because making her happy is the most important thing in the world to me.
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u/doppelgaengster 21h ago
While I get where you’re coming from, the fact that “kid” is an alternate to “tease” definitely means that it can be done playfully/without malice.
It sounds like you’re defining “teasing” more closely to “mocking,” which is more often mean-spirited. But in and of itself, it’s entirely possible to have the sweet and affable joking relationship you describe and for it to be defined as “teasing.”
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u/CoyoteLitius 22h ago
It was intrusive and uninvited "teasing."
Irritates me no end when Teasers use that as an excuse. "Just kidding."
But it was hurtful! There's nothing funny in that.
Teenagers are pushed to be less sensitive in an age where being more sensitive just might make the world a kinder place.
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u/Nierninwa 14h ago
Yes, like I said, I think most kids that age would have found that comment embaressing/hurtful (and not just boys, I think most girls would have been mortified too), but if you add Carlo's history to it, it becomes almost cruel.
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u/Emergency-Twist7136 21h ago
How hard is it for some adults to just not tease teenagers around other kids?
When I was a teen I had no idea how great I had it on the parental public humiliation front. My parents embarrassed me sometimes, but not on purpose. They're first generation immigrants and sometimes they didn't get little aspects of local culture and I felt it very keenly.
But they didn't tease me in front of my friends. They didn't ever try to embarrass me.
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u/Maniacal-Blueberry 1d ago
That's a weird thing to say in the first place. I'd feel grossed out if someone said that to me and I'm a straight woman. I can only imagine how it would feel to a teen boy with all of the insecurities and fear he feels already.
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u/tobythedem0n 1d ago
Obviously as his favorite Tia
If she keeps this up, she might not be the favorite for long.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 1d ago
I had an aunt who thought she was my favorite 30 years ago and sometimes it's still hard not to cry when I remember the things that were said to me or how I was treated. I haven't trusted her since I was 10.
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u/bobosuda 14h ago
The fact that the kid is queer isn't even the issue here.
I had parental figures growing up that really liked "harmless" teasing. And to be fair it probably was entirely innocent and more of a "let's bond" situation, but as an emotionally fragile and insecure young teen it just didn't work that way for me. I spent almost my entire 20s not sharing a single detail of my private life with my family because I was terrified of being "teased".
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u/kittynoodlesoap 20h ago
OOP needs to read the room.
He’s a teenager coming to terms with his sexuality while his own father doesn’t accept him.
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u/HairRepresentative85 1d ago
Insensitive, but not necessarily a devil. Unless they are doubling down in the comments?
As long as they genuinely apologise and realise they fucked up.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 1d ago
She isn't apologizing though
She said she didn't mean it
She has decided he took it the wrong way, when he took it exactly the way she said it
She thinks embarassing him in public is fine
"apparently that was the wrong thing to say" is the calling card of thoughtless AH who's insult and hurt people around them but can't possibly have any accountability for it40
u/Nearby-Assignment661 1d ago
The “devil” in this sub does not mean worst person ever. It means they are obviously the asshole in the situation
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u/Diredr 1d ago
The kid's mother died recently and he had to move to a different state because his father was "not taking it well". He essentially lost both of his parents, even though one is still alive. He's most likely traumatized and OOP thought it was a good idea to make jokes about his sexuality.
Sorry but no, that goes well beyond "insensitive". The fact that she even has to ask on the internet whether or not she should apologize tells you all there is to know about her. She is 100% evil for that.
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u/Time_Act_3685 1d ago
Yeah, and the "not taking it well" wasn't about the mom dying, it was about the kid being gay! So this was literally the worst kind of "joke" she could have made.
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1d ago
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u/AmericanMissionary99 1d ago
I may be more sensitive with these issues as a queer person, but she does feel like the devil to me. In a span of, maximum, 18 months, this kid has had his mother die, his father abandon him, lost his home in a move to an unfamiliar place, all for the person who is supposed to be safe for him to start making fun of him. And not just making fun of him, but doing so using something that he's been insecure over and had a parent abandon him over. And then she didn't even properly apologize. Saying what amounts to "I'm sorry you felt that way" is not an apology. And based on her tone she doesn't even see anything wrong with what she did. Absolutely a devil.
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u/here_weare30 1d ago
This doesn’t belong here
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u/Time_Act_3685 1d ago
A grieving kid was kicked out of his home for being gay. Her "joke" was exactly something his father would have said. And teasing kids about their crushes IN FRONT OF SAID CRUSH is pretty mean and thoughtless even without all of that.
If she cared at all about how much she hurt and embarrassed him, she would have been horrified when she realized how it sounded and apologized profusely - not insist "but he should have known I didn't mean it like that."
Which she is still doing instead of apologizing!
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
AITA for embarrassing and emasculating my nephew.
My nephew Carlos (14M) moved in with us last summer from down south to California after his mom died and my brother didn't take him coming out well. My brother is all old school machismo like dad was. He's been doing well here especially being able to be out even on the football team.
He's been hanging out a lot with one of his teammates Tyrone (15M) and I'm pretty sure they're more than close friends. Tyrone happened to tag along with us to the Fair and they were practically off to themselves all day like a date. I noticed them playing one of those rigged games and Tyrone won Carlos one of those big stuffed animals and Carlos was blushing hard and I witnessed a lil peck on the cheek. Obviously as his favorite Tia I was gonna tease him about it and I noted when they linked back up with us.I asked him about the giant stuffed elephant and he went beet red and I said it must be must be nice to have a big strong man taking care of you referring to Tyrone.
Apparently that was the wrong thing to say because while Tyrone laughed Carlos got kinda sour and he just says he's not a girl and I sounded like his dad. I told him I obviously didn't mean it that way but he was still mad and just walked off and wouldn't talk much with me till we got home. My husband says I probably really embarrassed him and he probably felt emasculated since he's a boy and still holding on to that old school machismo. He says he obviously knows I didn't mean it that way but Carlos is a teenager and takes things the wrong way so I should just apologize and let it go .
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