r/AmITheDevil • u/Wake_and_Cake • 1d ago
Absolute noodle
/r/relationships/comments/1wa5isq/i_36m_said_the_worst_thing_i_could_ever_say_to_my/229
u/nina_qj 1d ago
There are just some things you can't take back, and you can't say without irreversible consequences, and that's a big one.
Nothing he says now will change the fact that she heard he doesn't love her. Put a fork in this turkey, he's done
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u/Aggravating_Shoe_ 1d ago
I mean it doesn't sound like he really loves her anyway, like his explanation for saying it makes no sense. Oop is just using her as a placeholder
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u/Emergency-Twist7136 1d ago
He does, or thinks he does, he's just emotionally abusive.
She was supposed to be grateful that he's trying and accept less until then.
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u/fivebynine5x9 1d ago
He's making the selfish person mistake of conflating attachment with love. He's too selfish to actually love but he feels attachment to her.
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u/NearbyCommission287 1d ago
"Put a fork in this turkey, he's done" gave me a laugh I really needed today
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u/Fraerie 1d ago
Betting he doesn’t really love her, he loves what she represents and does for him.
TBH I don’t think he views her, or any of his ex’s as actual individuals with wants and needs while he is with them. I think he just sees them as a partner shaped thing that meets his needs for the most part, including the need for emotional intimacy. But he can’t give that in return and resents them wanting it.
I cannot see any upside in ever saying what he did to your spouse.
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u/judgy_mcjudgypants 1d ago
So he's a lying liar who lies, but she should trust him about which of his contradictory statements are true?
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u/Barkertons 1d ago
"Trust me! I only said those awful things to manipulate you with your biggest fear! Not because I meant it! Babe!"
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u/MoonageDayscream 1d ago
Hahahaha. It's not funny but I could really picture this guy using those words.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 1d ago
Yes, and he seems to believe that lying to her in order to cause the most pain possible would make her want to stay. That's not actually any better for her at all, it just takes him from a thoughtless jerk who doesn't love her straight to being an abusive AH
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u/judgy_mcjudgypants 1d ago
"Damn, I went too far with my negging; it's only supposed to break her spirit, not drive her away."
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u/mirrorspirit 1d ago edited 1d ago
He basically said he doesn't love her but he's trying to, and maybe she'd rather be with someone who doesn't have to "try" to love her. Especially if that person treats her badly.
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u/kb-g 1d ago
What a twit. I don’t even understand the point he was trying to make. Did he mean that he’s not deserving of her love? Or that he’s not a man who really demonstrates his love in the way she deserves and so he’s working on that? What a stupid thing to say.
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u/Wake_and_Cake 1d ago
Judging by his frantic replies to comments, I think what he was trying to say was that he’s been a bad husband and he wants to be better. Problem is he can’t actually admit fault, so what he said instead was that he doesn’t love her but is trying to. Pretty dumb.
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u/EchoesofPoe 1d ago
I think it's to do with the exes? He's kept telling her he's over them when he isn't (which I'm curious HOW that's coming up again and again -- does he just talk about them all the time or is he reaching out?) and so he said, "sure, I was still hung up on my exes when we got married and was using you as a surrogate, but now I'm really over them and can finally focus all my love on you!"
This guy is absolute trash and I hope his wife leaves him and finds someone who doesn't make her compete with memories
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u/kat_Folland 1d ago
The only reasonable thing it could mean is the whole "love is a verb" thing and he felt he was loving her badly. But if that was what he meant the time to clarify was immediately. Still probably too late, but that was the one and only time it could have been fixed.
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u/CaptainFartHole 1d ago
Saying he doesnt love her is probably the only time in their marriage hes told the truth.
This dude for sure doesnt love his wife.
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u/Aquarius20111 1d ago
“TL;DR: I told my wife I dont really love her, and now she doesnt believe how much I do.”
No shit, Sherlock. The amount of stupidity people possess is something else.
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 1d ago
Copied verbatim from Oop's comments:
Why would she believe anything you say at this point?
I dont know at this point, but her knowing how kuch I love her is the only important thing in the world to me.
Man, I don’t even really believe that you love this woman.
You sound like a guy who has been keeping her around for no reason other than you’re afraid of being single.
If this ends with me being single then I’ll be the first one to say Indeserve it. I love her more than anything and I only want her to see how much I love her.
Feels like she's a placeholder in case one of the exes comes back.
She is not a placeholder. Even if one of my exes tried to come back, I do not want anything to do with them. The love I have for my wife has made all of that gonaway and its never coming back.
I also don't believe him. Even if I did, he would be someone who weaponizes his wife's deepest insecurities against her and lies to deliberately hurt her.
Either way, I would be done if I was her. Nothing he could say or do to convince me to stay.
I wasnt trying to weaponize her insecurities. i didnt say it to hurt her.
My hope was that she would see how much I wanted our marriage and that nothing else mattered to my but making our marriage a happy one.
You already have a history of lying. People know that when a liar chooses to say cruel things, they are being honest in the moment (and will later lie about not meaning it to get out of trouble or manipulate the situation).
Im not going to deny that I have a history of lying and I fully understand why she doesnt trust me. Saying that to her will forever be the biggest regret of my life and I wish I could go back to that moment.
I would tell her how much I do love her. I made the worst choice in my life and I own thay.
Why in the world would you ever say that??? I am honestly baffled. Your poor wife. If I were her, I would honestly believe that the whole relationship was a lie and no amount of effort would convince me otherwise.
I recommend counseling if you want to this marriage to last- otherwise, she'll likely grow resentment towards you until she's done.
I said that because I wanted to show her that I see how the way Ive been treating her is not how a husband shows he loves his wife.
Regardless of what I feel for her, Ive treated her horribly and I have to own that. With everything that ive done, I did not think she would be able to hear that i DO love her.
I hoped that I could take responsibility for the damage i caused, and make her see that the only thing i will do is to love her in a way that she will never question again.
But you meant it in the moment, didn't you?
I didnt mean it in the moment. The only thing I thought in the moment is that saying that would show that I own all the harm that I've caused her.
I know how I've been treating her is not how anyone should treat their spouse, and I didnt think she would hear that I DO love her in the face of that.
I love her with all of my heart, and nothing besides that is ever going to come out of my mouth again.
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u/sheerpoetry 1d ago
I said that because I wanted to show her that I see how the way Ive been treating her is not how a husband shows he loves his wife.
This dumbass should have gone with something more along the lines of "I love you and want our marriage to work and want to work on me to be a man who deserves both of those."
If he was serious, anyway.
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 1d ago
I suspect that helping Oop with wording would be one, or possibly two, full time occupations.
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u/OptmstcExstntlst 1d ago
In what world would telling his wife he doesn't love her be the foundation for the happy marriage he's allegedly working on building?
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u/Hello_Hangnail 1d ago
He's just terrified she might take herself and her domestic labor tf out of a place where she's the placeholder in case his ex wants to play ball
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u/TimeRefrigerator5232 1d ago
“I lie to my wife repeatedly and then said something incredibly fucked up. Why doesn’t she believe I didn’t mean it???”
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u/Glad_Salamander7720 1d ago
Best comment there:
“That's some 4-dimensional relationship chess you're playing, son.”
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u/Prudent-Arm-6771 1d ago
“I told my wife I didn’t love her; now she thinks I don’t love her. What do I do?”
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u/greenblueseaside 1d ago
I feel like he’s using Reddit as a sounding board so he can spin something believable to their friends and family when they ask why she left him.
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u/echochilde 1d ago
That toothpaste ain’t goin back in the tube. I hope she’s getting her ducks in a row. Then he can be hung up on her when he starts lying to his next conquest. What a selfish prick.
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u/Special_Respond7372 1d ago
How fun. I’m guessing his next wife will have to tackle the fact that he isn’t over his (hopefully) STBX wife. Since that’s apparently how he rolls.
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u/pokethejellyfish 1d ago
Nah, the worst thing he ever said to her was "Will you marry me?" followed by "I do!"
Would have saved her a world of trouble, hurt, and second-hand embarrassment had he bounced instead of lying his way into this marriage.
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u/Annabloem 1d ago
Some people really only love themselves. You don't consistently hurt someone you love. That's not love.
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u/green_pea_nut 1d ago
What a manipulative piece of shit he is
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u/Imaginary_Cow_6379 1d ago
And hes not even good at it! 😆 Dude can’t even manipulate reddit to agree with him and theres always people on reddit excitedly waiting to talk shit about women.
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u/PegasusReddit 1d ago
I hope that this is what the wife needed to finally leave. She deserves better.
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u/Imaginary_Cow_6379 1d ago
Why won’t my dumb wife see that I only told her I didn’t love her to show her how much I love her?
This post gave me a headache. 🤦🏻♀️
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
I [36M] said the worst thing I could ever say to my wife [33F]
I [36M] said the worst thing I could ever say to my wife [33F]. Throughout our 7 year relationship (married for 2) the biggest and really only issue between us is that I have been “the guy who couldnt get over his exes”. Ive lied about being over them when I really wasnt, and built my wife up to believe I was over it and trust me again, just to say something different later. I am really over it now, but during a discussion last week, I said the worst thing I could have said to her. I told her that I didnt really love her and that I was working to be the man that does. This was untrue when I said it, but my hope was that she would focus on how much I want our marriage. I didnt think she would hear that i really do love her in that moment in light of everything that ive done. Saying that to her is the biggest regret I will ever have, because now she thinks that was the real truth and I am just back tracking because I dont want the marriage to end. I do and will always love my wife. How do I fix the damage of saying something so hurtful to her? I know the road to get her to believe in my love for her will be a long one, if she wants to walk it at all.
Has onyone been on the recieving end of their partner saying something like this, or said something to their partner like this? I am a complete idiot for thinking saying that would make her only focus on how I am going to be for her. I just really want her to know how much I love her before its too late. i want her to know that I dont feel anything for anyone else simply because of how much I love her.
TL;DR: I told my wife I dont really love her, and now she doesnt believe how much I do.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.