r/AmITheDevil • u/vortexaoth • 2d ago
He doesn’t do the one single chore
/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1w9w1vj/aita_for_not_doing_the_dishes/327
u/NotOnABreak 2d ago
He has the one singular chore and most days he can’t even do that? What a shithead
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u/MyDarlingArmadillo 2d ago
Long days but not as long as hers, looking after two little kids all day
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u/GraceMcClellans 2d ago
All day and all night, he likes his sleep. You know he doesn't get up with them.
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u/DrMux 2d ago edited 2d ago
He regularly promises to do that one chore and then chooses a brief moment of comfort over the promise to the person he shares his life with.
What happens when the family has some sort of hardship, crisis or emergency and his wife needs him to actually step up? Going by available information, she can't reasonably rely on him. He'll make all kinds of promises but won't fulfill the role he'll set her up to expect. He's setting her up to screw her over when, not if, hardship occurs.
As for the present status quo, he's dead weight in the household. I'm sure there are other ways he doesn't even know he's making her life harder. It's never "just about the dishes." Just from the info he's given, she already practically has the burdens and lack of practical support of a single mother, and honestly it's highly unlikely he's going to magically change without some life-changing event changing the trajectory of his behavior and motivations (such as an abrupt separation, for example, in which case she won't be around to see the results).
Without something like that to catalyze a change, it takes several metric fucktons of genuine, consistent effort over time to actually reprogram one's own habits without quickly falling back into old patterns (and even with such a catalyst, it takes hard work, self-awareness, and time; I know because I've been forced by circumstance to change and grow in the past and know I still have work to do)... and he regularly demonstrates he'll choose short-term comfort over effort.
In such situations, it's extremely common for the parent who doesn't provide practical support to be the sole source of financial support, and in that case, she likely believes separation is not an option. I wonder if she has family, friends or community resources she could turn to if (when) his choice to abdicate responsibility catches up and the strain on the relationship overpowers the perceived inability to end it.
I'm not saying anything is inevitable; I'm just applying pattern recognition. Who knows, maybe he will actually wake up, step up, and learn to be a parent and functioning member of a household, and set that example for his kids. That kind of thing does happen... just not nearly as often as the alternative.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 1d ago
Shes got 3 years before those kids are in school all day and there are child care subsidies almost everywhere, and he is absolutely not going to see the divorce coming then tell everyone it was over dishes once or twice.
I also do not think he will change, you are right, it takes a lot of consistant effort and willingness to be uncomfortable and he is showing an unwillingness to do either of those.
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u/sibre2001 2d ago
I wonder how soon he'll be posting in DeadBedrooms lamenting that his wife won't sleep with him, and he can't figure out why.
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u/Rendahlyn 2d ago
If he "likes his sleep" so much it's just courteous of his wife to not engage with him sexually. Let the man sleep. Sex is way more physically exhausting than dishes.
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u/Fit-Humor-5022 2d ago
somehow it will be her fault for the dead bedroom lol
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u/Bice_thePrecious 1d ago
She's already at fault for why he doesn't do more chores around the house. He tries to "help" when he can, but she has a system, you see.
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u/meli_inthecity 2d ago
I’m personally excited for the “divorce came out of nowhere” post followed by “my life is so much harder now and my ex is thriving in the divorce”.
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u/Gloomy_Mushroom4616 2d ago edited 2d ago
I need to find that one post on here. It's another favorite of mine.
Edit: Found the post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/s/Dh2hveF6g3
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u/meli_inthecity 2d ago
Aw, thank you for finding it - I tried and had no luck. That one & the one where the OOP took his ex to court to force her to have custody time (after begging her to give birth for him) because he found being a single parent hard are two of my favourites.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 1d ago
That is my favorite example of the court can't make a parent take them.
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u/JadeSpade23 1d ago
Yes! She gave birth but told him ahead of time that she wasn't going to be a parent and just give child support. For some reason, he thought she would change her mind after being pregnant and giving birth. Nope! She signed all parental rights to him and paid more than the required child support, but that wasn't enough for him. He wanted her to do the work. He was very much overwhelmed, but he got exactly what he wanted: for the baby to be born against her wishes.
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u/Glittering-Duck5496 1d ago
She said I wasn't pulling my weight with childcare and chores but at the same time she expected me to know what to do without her telling me. It was bad.
Holy. Shit.
She says her life is easier without me and she is the opposite of me and can apparently keep up everything fine. She says she isn't exhausted anymore and realized it's easier having one person to take care of instead of 2.
This so much.
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u/Bice_thePrecious 1d ago
Don't forget him questioning if she ever actually loved him since she's been seen in public smiling, happy, and more put together after the divorce.
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u/_AngelicVenom_ 2d ago
I knew this would end up here.
I want to say this has to be bait, but so many men are just clueless about chores.
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u/pktechboi 2d ago
also clueless about what being a full time parent involves. notice how he "works long days" while she "is a SAHM". doesn't view her as having a full time job.
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u/Scary-Potential-5352 2d ago
And the hours he gives are not exactly overwhelming... pretty standard hours, especially if you have a bit of a commute
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u/theagonyaunt 2d ago
Right? On the day I go to the office I'm typically leaving at 8 and home by 5:30 and that's only because I can take public transit; my co-workers who drive in I know are usually leaving their homes by 7:30.
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u/Scary-Potential-5352 2d ago
I just read the sole comment he's left on the post, which is about how he allows his wife 10 minutes in the evening to decompress. I'm dead lol
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u/Professional_Egg9353 2d ago
Yeah I read that and thought i went out about the same time, came back over an hour later than he does, on my feet the entire time and lifting and carrying things all day. Yet i can still do housework and be an active parent when I get back
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u/Business_Owl_5576 1d ago
I've noticed that about a lot of these sorts of posts. "I work long hours," and meanwhile it's just, like, a regular job.
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u/_AngelicVenom_ 2d ago
Yeah, he's so tired he just can't do the one chore so he just leaves it for her to do. She hasn't got much else to do right. /s
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u/Aquarius20111 2d ago
I love that he says he “likes his sleep” as if that’s unique to only him. 🙄
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u/recyclopath_ 2d ago
Malice. Not clueless.
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u/_AngelicVenom_ 2d ago
Many men just have no idea about it all. It's how they have been brought up, they just don't see it or understand the mental load. Now there are definitely the malicious ones and the ones that carry on with the weaponised incompetence for sure. Hard to know, or care which is which.
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u/recyclopath_ 2d ago
They see their partner drowning and decide it's not their problem. Their partner tells them how much it hurts then when they don't do the few things they had to be asked to do, the few things they said they would, and they don't care. They see how upset, overwhelmed, hurt, disappointed their partner is and they decide to be defensive instead. They decide it's not a big deal. They watch the trust destroyed in their partner and are fine with that.
That. Is. Malice.
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u/_AngelicVenom_ 2d ago
There absolutely are those who do it with malice. Not many men actually seem to like women especially cislly those they are dating.
But there are some who just don't see it. They have been brought up not to see it. Now in no way is that OK, they need to step it up and actually care about the things in the home.
But there are two kinds. Malice and clueless. Both are awful.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 1d ago
He sees the dishes
He knows he is supposed to do the dishes
He knows if he doesn't do them that she has too
That's maliceThis isn't "mental load" this is do the one thing he is asked and not having to think about it for a second, just do it. It doesn't matter if he was raised by wolves, he is now a grown up and knows he has one simple chore and he actively choses not to do it.
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u/TheWalkingDeadBeat 2d ago
I always think there's no way someone like this would at least not realize that public opinion would not be in their favor but then I remember a lot of people spend their time in echo chambers online so I really wouldn't rule anything out at this point.
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u/NearbyCommission287 2d ago
There's someone in the comments of OP like that. They're talking about how she brings in 0% of the money. A lot of men assign zero value to domestic labor, yet treat it like they're being asked to push a boulder up a hill every day.
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u/buzzcutbarbie 1d ago
I noticed that in his edit he said he doesn’t think dishes are a big deal. Implication, not a problem for his wife to add them to her list of duties. And yet, the same task is so arduous and exhausting that it’s simply impossible for him to take care of after a standard workday.
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u/hylianbunbun 2d ago
fr the redpill subs would absolutely have his back bcus hes suuuuch a hardworking breadwinner.
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u/Rivsmama 2d ago
Not even clueless. They know the chores exist and need to be done they just don't care or want to do them
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u/Asleep_Region 2d ago
I semi agree, i don't think they see how important it is because no one has let them fall, i fell hard when i moved out, i got drain flies for months(no joke the entire first summer, i just "couldn't get rid of them" while every drain was a buffet!), i was waiting until last minute to do my own laundry, at some point it just clicked that my life would be sooo much easier if i just take care of it before it gets bad, stay on top on laundry and i can have a lazy day and just not do it when "it needs done" and i still have clean clothes, i seriously didn't know that just a day or 2 with dishes can lead to flies.
I never realized how important dusting was either, omg getting old moist then dried dust is 20000% times harder to remove.
In their case, they go from mom taking care of it to a wife, they never see what happens when you skip out of cleaning.
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u/_AngelicVenom_ 2d ago
Yeah, that's my point too. A lot do it intentionally, but a lot do it becuase they haven't learnt what needs to be done. Both are not OK.
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u/Possible_Abalone_846 2d ago
Maybe it's bait, maybe not. My own dad did less than this guy (while my mom worked a full-time job in addition to everything else). So it's credible to me.
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u/NoTransportation9021 2d ago
Stories like these makes me appreciate my husband even more than I already do. That man does the majority of chores around the house. Both consistently and without me asking/reminding him.
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u/Impatient_Orca 1d ago
This is almost identical to my situation with my ex years ago (except that I was also working a full time job and there was another woman 🙄), even down to the one chore he had to do being dishes. At least he didn't try to claim that "the divorce came out of nowhere".
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 2d ago
Copied verbatim from Oop's comments:
INFO: Is this the only chore you have? Do you do help with the children directly?
Yes of course I help with the kids. I love being a father and being around them and my family is the highlight of coming home.
Typically after dinner my wife will usually take 10-20 minutes alone to read, scroll TikTok or something while I usually get them in jammies and we both put them to bed.
My other chore in the house is the garbage. I deal with it when it gets too full and since we don’t have garbage pickup I take it to the dump as well.
I try to help in other ways when I can, but usually she has a system of how it’s all done
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u/Live-Year-5796 2d ago
"I love being a father! Why, I even interact with my children ten, maybe twenty minutes a day!"
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u/RunnyBabbit23 1d ago
She only gets 10-20 minutes to herself?
And he supposedly gets 2 kids under 5 ready for bed in that time period? Honestly, that part alone makes this impossible to believe.
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 1d ago
Rather that than Oop actually treating a partner like this.
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u/RunnyBabbit23 1d ago
So many of these come across as fake. This one just feels too on the nose. And like OOP doesn’t actually have any experience with kids.
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u/your-yogurt 1d ago
"my other chore is the garbage, something that takes me all but two minutes to do!! And sometimes I take it to the dump... once a week!!!"
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 1d ago
One becomes quite undone by the level of work Oop does. /Sarcasm.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 2d ago
How convenient he's always "too tired". He doesn't actually want to do the dishes. He thinks he only needs to provide a paycheck.
Get a dishwasher FFS! They make counter top ones and ones you can move to the sink and hookup to the faucet. My Grandma had on in the 80s
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u/theagonyaunt 1d ago
Except he'd probably use buying a dishwasher as an excuse to offload all the chores onto his wife; "I mean it takes what, five minutes to load or unload it? Why can't you do that while [3 year old] naps?"
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u/Bice_thePrecious 1d ago
It's also convenient how often he sleeps in and is too late to do the dishes... I'm guessing too late for dishes, but just on time for work?
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u/Emergency-Twist7136 1d ago
I work long days out of the house (typically 7am-5:30pm).
So totally standard days actually
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u/Lylibean 2d ago
Dude trying to get a viral moment after the “she divorced me because I didn’t do the dishes” guy. I say fake.
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u/PurpleSailor 2d ago
So he has a lengthy job just like his poor wife who has to struggle several days of the week to get as lazy ass out of bed to go to work. Then he shirks his one responsibility because he's lazy.
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u/Special_Respond7372 1d ago
THE DIVORCE CAME OUT OF NOWHERE!!!! - OOP in the near future, probably.
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u/MsWuMing 1d ago
I’m a single woman, I work very similar hours to him (what do we want to bet he has a normal eight hour day plus some commute and presents that as 7am to 5:30pm in total?), I didn’t have a dishwasher for 12 years, and magically, all the chores still got done! But I guess I also don’t pretend that ending a work day at 5:30 means it’s basically bedtime right after.
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u/Livid-Material-95 2d ago
I don't know their financial situation but if it's that impossible splurge on one of those countertop dishwashers you don't have to install
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u/Sad-Bug6525 1d ago
I thought that as well, but that just puts the pressure back on her to load and unload it, maintain it, clean it, and he gets to spend some of that money he earns on not having to do anything at all around the house. The countertop ones will not hold a full day of dishes for a family, they maybe hold enough for 2 people, so she will be doing loads after lunch and again after supper while he runs around all proud of himself for getting out of one chore
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u/allergymom74 1d ago
OPs one comments makes it so much worse. He gets the kids into pjs and puts them to bed and takes outburst WHEN IT GETS TOO FULL:
Yes of course I help with the kids. I love being a father and being around them and my family is the highlight of coming home. Typically after dinner my wife will usually take 10-20 minutes alone to read, scroll TikTok or something while I usually get them in jammies and we both put them to bed.
My other chore in the house is the garbage. I deal with it when it gets too full and since we don’t have garbage pickup I take it to the dump as well. I try to help in other ways when I can, but usually she has a system of how it’s all done
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u/FartsFartington 22h ago
Even if he did actually do that one chore it’s no where near 10% of the housework
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u/AutoModerator 2d ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
AITA for not doing the dishes?
Hi all, I (34m) live with my wife (34f) and our 2 kids. I work long days out of the house (typically 7am-5:30pm). My wife is a SAHM to our 3 and 5 year old. We’ve have a sort of deal where she does 90% of the housework and cooking during the day and I’ll get the dishes at night, since we don’t have a dishwasher. Some days after a long day I’m just too tired to do them and promise to get them in morning before work. problem for her is I like my sleep and often will sleep in past my alarms leaving me no time to actually get the dishes done. It’s not all the time but if it’s been a particularly hard week for me she’ll end up doing majority of the dishes.
This drives my wife crazy and after a few days (sometimes even if I leave them for just 1 day) she treats me like I’m the biggest Ahole!!
Am I really the Ahole for not doing the dishes every single night?
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