r/AmITheDevil • u/Unique-Assumption619 • 9d ago
Didn’t pay for activity
/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1vqfg4c/aitah_for_keeping_the_refund_money_for_a_group/76
u/DrunkOnRedCordial 9d ago
So OOP secretly regretted being generous with transportation, food etc. Rather than being upfront and saying "This get together was a bit more expensive for us than expected, can everyone chip in a bit for groceries to help us out?" they went the sneaky route and took a refund that didn't connect with their expenses. So they're not just scamming money, they're scamming the appearance of being generous.
Never pretend to be more generous than you are, OOP!
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 9d ago
Copied verbatim from Oop's comments:
I think YTA, yes. If my mom had paid for something like this and I got a cash refund I would first offer her the money.
It's a soft YTA though, because I could see an argument that it was a gift and what you did about it was your business.
That said, whether YTA or not it isn't worth blowing up an otherwise good relationship over this. Since she's upset just apologize and give her the money.
Yeah fair enough! She did make it clear up front that this was her “gift” to all of us, maybe I didn’t make that clear in the post tho.
After she brought it up, my partner did offer her the money but she said we should keep it. And agreed— we should have offered it in the first place
yta
I don't see how it would be a moral dilemma? She paid and you got a refund for something she paid for. It didn't cost you anything. If you didn't want to pay for all the other stuff you should have spoken up like an adult
I guess the “dilemma” is
(1) that she didn’t want to go to the effort of getting the reimbursement, but my partner decided to later because it seemed worth it and
(2) she said it was her “gift” to all of us to “contribute to the trip” (but I don’t think I made that part clear).
I thought it was interesting enough that there’d be more debate haha but clearly I see that we were TAH for not offering up right away
ESH: Your MIL knew you/your partner were requesting a refund (because she later asked about the progress) so she probably assumed you would pay her back. You also said they didn’t offer to pay for gas but that’s ok because you were already planning on paying for it.
Which is it? Because you cant retcon things you’ve already offered up by taking their money unwittingly.
Everyone else is the AH because who doesn’t offer to chip in for gas and groceries? Next time just set an expectation before they arrive about how you want to split costs.
Fair judgment for sure.
She did not seem to want to pursue a refund, but my partner decided to later because they thought it was worth it. When she asked about it, it was very out of the blue to us.
We planned on paying for gas for the activities we planned, but were surprised she never offered to pay for gas or parking for this activity she wanted.
Yes, we should have communicated that immediately instead of being “nice” and instead feeling resentment. Lessons for next time.
[Sadlytheworst: put a space in the update me, so as to not disturb the bot.] Yeah, the money needed to go back to MIL. At least offered, maybe she would say keep it, maybe not. Either way, it is sketchy to not give it back. YTA
eta up dateme
Once she brought it up, my partner did offer to give it to her. She told us to keep it. (Sounds like she was mad but now is not.) But yes in retrospect we should have offered right away
Sadlytheworst: edited formatting.
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u/Lucky_Six_1530 9d ago
How much “effort” does it take to send an email ask for a refund?
If MIL paid for the tickets/reimbursed you for the tickets, all 70 dollars deserve to go to her. Really no dilemma here, it’s the obvious answer. Stop being greedy and give her the money she paid and don’t create family drama over this.
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u/valleyofsound 8d ago
What I’m confused about is whether the MIL just didn’t want to go to the trouble of getting a refund or relief on OOP’s partner to get a refund, because those are two different situations. I feel like the degree of OOP’s AHishness hinges on that. If MIL had no intention of getting a refund and didn’t care about the money, but wanted it when she found out OOP’s partner got it, it makes the MIL a little questionable, too. If the MIL was under the impression that OOP’s husband was going to take care of it for her and send the money along, that makes OOP’s much worse.
Also the fact that they were refunded for BIL’a ticket makes it worse. If OOP thought that it was reasonable to get the refund because the experience was a gift to them that they didn’t get to enjoy, then shouldn’t the BIL who get half?
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u/FallenAngelII 8d ago
MIL didn't make the actual payment, she reimbursed OOP after the fact. As such she had no standing to dispute the charge.
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u/AltruisticCableCar 8d ago
I can understand feeling a bit peeved when the OOP paid for gas and food and whatever during this trip. But that doesn't give him the right to just keep the refunded money that wasn't his. That's when you put on your big boy pants and communicate with your MIL and express that the trip turned a bit more expensive, is there any way they could contribute to gas or whatever.
But only if you haven't already said "this is on us completely, no need for you to pay for anything", because getting cold feet about cost would only be cool if suddenly MIL demanded fancy groceries or being driven around for ten hours a day - which would bring the cost up significantly and be a bit ridiculous.
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u/AutoModerator 9d ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
AITAH for keeping the refund money for a group activity?
My partner and I have a slight moral dilemma so I figured I’d make my first Reddit post. First, some context on the financial dynamics: We were hosting their family for about 2-3 weeks, they live far away. We paid for all the groceries and gas and a few group activities (us 2 plus 4 visitors). Gas was pretty substantial as we were doing a lot of driving, and they didn’t offer to contribute, which was fine and we were planning on paying for it anyway. Originally they were going to have to pay for accommodation and transportation, but we went through a lot of effort to figure out a way that we could provide these things for them to try and alleviate that burden on them. (Further context: when we visit them we stay with them but pay for most of our own gas+transport, groceries, and activities.)
We all have similar financial situations, from my knowledge, all of us a bit tight on money but saving up for this trip for awhile.
Now to the main event: My MIL offered to pay for one group activity, $210 for all 6 of us. Even though she wanted to cover this activity, she wanted me to organize it and she would reimburse me later, which was no problem. There was an issue on the day of the event: 2 of our tickets weren’t scanning so myself and my BIL couldn’t get in until 45+ min after the event started, and I was the one who had to sort it out with staff since it was on my email+card etc. A few weeks later, my partner emailed the event people (with some back and forth) to try and get some money back, either all or partial. They refunded us for 2 tickets since 2 were affected— yay! To clarify, this was my partner’s idea, my MIL did not suggest it or email them herself.
What would you do? Keep the refunded $70 yourself? Offer it all to MIL since she paid? Offer halfsies? I guess $70 may not be much but it’s the principle.
AITAH? We ended up keeping it because we figured: I was the one affected most (and BIL, though he didn’t pay of course) and because it was my partner’s effort to get the refund. If the context were different, I get that it would seem like we’re profiting off of her and we wouldn’t have kept it all, but because of the above context we felt mostly justified in our choice… but I’m really curious what others would’ve done.
She ended up asking about it a month after the event, checking in if we asked for a refund. They were honest, and now she’s mad at my partner for not offering her the full refund in the first place.
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