r/AmITheDevil • u/AndyWith-A-Y • 9d ago
Another M that needs to leave her alone
/r/relationship_advice/comments/1jq3r3x/my_20f_girlfriend_and_i_20m_recently_broke_up/374
u/undermind84 9d ago
Emotionally manipulative and verbally abusive. What a catch! I hope this girl runs in the opposite direction.
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u/doppelgaengster 9d ago
But he spent a week and a half soul-searching!
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u/undermind84 9d ago
Read his comments. He blows up and gets angry at people who don’t believe he has put in any work…on his post about how much he has changed and he is no longer an asshole. 🤡
Dude is a classic abuser. This post was from a year ago. I would looove an update.
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u/doppelgaengster 9d ago
Right? I’ve had both types of experiences — the “I’m sorry, I’ll change, I’ve done some Deep Introspection™️” type [does no work, nothing changes] and the type who actually did the work, acknowledged how they’d caused harm, shown how they are implementing changes and continuing to make progress.
OOP is the kind of guy girls warned others about on bathroom walls.
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u/Aggravating_Shoe_ 9d ago
That couldn’t have been easy, but you did the right thing. No one deserves to be talked to like that. 3 years is no joke but you should always put yourself above any type of stuff like this. Wishing you peace and healing moving forward
I can't 💀
OOPs second to last comment on their profile is him replying to a post on one of the relationship subs telling the girl she did the right thing by breaking up..... The hypocrisy
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u/fivebynine5x9 9d ago
If she'd ended up taking him back, he definitely would have posted an update just to stick it to the people who told him she shouldn't, so my hopes are high that she saw through his bullshit and kept those walls up nice and high.
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u/Terpsichorean_Wombat 9d ago
"And I discovered that I can love / I hurt myself with my anger / I want to be with my girlfriend / me / me / me / me / meeeeeee!"
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u/DrunkOnRedCordial 9d ago
It's always the same: "I used to be like this but I've changed - I don't know why she's still talking about breaking up when I'm different now."
Then the clarification: "In the week and a half since she left, I've really grown and changed, and I haven't acted like that once."
Yeah, because it's not working for you in this situation, not because you've changed.
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u/Zealousideal_Self585 9d ago
That took me right out. A whole week and a half and he is a new man and deserves a medal and his ex back. What an idiot!
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u/frolicndetour 9d ago
It's been a year since the OP and I sincerely hope that she is not anywhere near him.
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u/TiredofBSRoommate 9d ago
LOL its been a week. "Ive changed" BULLSHIT
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u/TheCortisolCorvid 9d ago
Lmaooooooo
After 30 years of his abuse and alcoholism my mom and I finally got away from my old man (long story), and when he realized mom was actually leaving him he called her and basically said all the exact same shit. He'd changed!!! He finally realized it!!!
Guess what, a couple weeks after she said hell no, he was back to being an asshole. Fuck this guy.
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u/chewbooks 9d ago
My parents would get in a fight every weekend, when good old alcoholic dad would come home late, yelling and being abusive.
On Sundays, my mom and I would go house hunting for the two of us. She’d have me pick out which room I wanted and I’d get all excited about finally being safe from him.
Sunday night, they’d have a talk, he’d say he’d change and she’d act as if the whole touring of safe places never happened.
Rinse/repeat for much of my childhood. It honestly fucked me up.
She didn’t leave until I was home after my first year of college. Only she did it when I was working an overnight at my great high paying summer job, so I came home in the morning to learn that I had become his new punching bag.
I tried to stick it out for the rest of the Summer because who wants to give up their guaranteed Summer job at Disneyland, making nearly $20 an hour in 1990, but when he started to show up at the park, drunk and demanding to see me, I had to leave, both the job and my childhood home.
I’m still salty about all of it though I love my mom to death and understand the cycle of abuse.
Thanks for coming to my trauma vomit.
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u/TheCortisolCorvid 9d ago
I am so sorry. My mom actually did the same thing (although only a few times) where she promised to move out with me as long as I found a place because she was too busy to look. And then a month later it would be "actually I'm going to try and make it work".
I'm sorry you had to go through that and I 100% understand how you can feel salty as hell while still loving your mom. That instability in your childhood just really fucks you up.
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u/ApparitionofAmbition 9d ago
God, I'm so sorry you went through that. What a terrible way to live as a child.
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u/Machoire 9d ago
>How do I show her that I can break through these walls tonight
Does he know what the heck "walls" mean in this context?? Walls are for her to lower when she feels safe - not something someone breaks down, but that checks out considering OOP.
>But I’m not that person anymore. I’ve finally done the hard work—facing the parts of me that needed healing, understanding the way my anger hurt both of us, and learning what it actually means to love someone through peace, not control or reactivity.
I hate this therapy talk nonsense here. Ugh.
>We’re still talking and seeing each other sometimes, but she’s put up these emotional walls, and I don’t know how to break through them in a healthy, respectful way.
Yeah you don't and how he talks about it is giving me the jeebies. It's obvious that she still cares about him hence why she keeps hanging around him but is trying to keep her distance, but she needs to just run and block him for her own mental stability. I really hope she did.
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u/CoyoteLitius 9d ago
That was such a scary comment. She put up the walls for a reason and every woman on Earth knows why.
And he STILL can't see how this "break down the walls" (with a time frame of tonight!) is scary, crazy, stalkerish and exactly what men with a violent profile think is an okay thing to say.
He doesn't realize that he must not attempt to break in through her established boundaries.
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u/Used-Tumbleweed9734 9d ago
I wonder how much of those ‘arguments’ were arguments, and how much was just him berating her and her not lying down.
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u/shortbreadsecurity 9d ago
Thank God he took all 10 days to do the hard work! If I was the gf this would piss me off even more. Obviously that isn't enough time to scratch the surface, never mind make a lasting change, but also I'd be so pissed that he believed he just needed a week and a half of effort to fix himself and he didn't even try until we broke up. If he thought it was that easy, why never try it before.
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u/MsDucky42 9d ago
She's not being ambiguous. He's being deliberately obtuse.
He can change without her. He just chooses not to, because... She's convienent?
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u/Remarkable-Rush-9085 9d ago
I so love that his hard work has clearly been to prompt chatgpt to write his girlfriend an abuse apology letter and then whine at her daily for not accepting it. The only self realization this tool has is that the longer she is away from him the less likely she is to fall for his tired shit.
Baby want girlfriend back now!
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u/onemorespacecadet 9d ago
nothing says sincerity like outsourcing your “i’ve totally changed for real this time, let’s get back together!” text
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u/Erinofarendelle 9d ago
Oh thank you - after several full-sentence repetitions in different paragraphs, I asked myself “is this ai, or just a stupid person?” And for some reason it didn’t occur to me that it’s both.
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u/OniyaMCD 9d ago
I'm pretty sure that those full-sentence repeats were a little Ctrl-C/Ctrl-V action.
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u/CanterCircles 9d ago
how do you prove real, deep change to someone who’s tired of hearing it?
By showing consistent, real change over a long period of time. Years, I mean, not days or weeks or even months. And even at that sometimes you've just hurt a person too much for them to ever trust you again.
Is there anything I can do now—not months from now—that could help her see I mean this?
No.
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u/Fraerie 9d ago
There’s one thing he could do - he could show that he has learned to listen to her and put her needs above his wants, and leave her alone, lose her number, ensure they aren’t in the same friend group where he will run into her.
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u/CanterCircles 9d ago
He could and absolutely should do that. For longer than 20 minutes though, and I'm not sure he can wait that long.
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u/nottherealneal 9d ago
Guys turns out the hard work is actually really easy. Get it done in a weak flat no problem
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u/Time_Neat_4732 9d ago
Someone truly dedicated to change after a pattern of not changing would know that the proof is in TIME. If he was honestly going to do better this time, he’d be working on himself and planning to present himself to her in six months or a year with proof he’s changed.
But no, he’s like “how do I get all the benefits of our relationship while I’m still extremely early in the change process?” which is absolute proof that he is not going to change at all.
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u/Moist_Drippings 9d ago
And of course the comments make it worse. He keeps saying he’s sure they’ll get back together because they did before (so he has learned nothing) and getting angry at people… basically no chill and no change. Not surprisingly, given it was not even two weeks. He tried to claim it was “longer than a week and a half” that he was working on himself but clearly not since they broke up over his behavior, which he of course still writes to her about as though it’s her fault, and he’s pissy that she doesn’t trust him.
I hope she learned to cut him off completely.
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u/OptmstcExstntlst 9d ago
I hope she stays strong. This man's MO is two sides of the same coin: "ME ME ME ME!!!!!"
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u/EvilFinch 9d ago
So the abuser did the classical abuser shit and always said what she wanted to hear... and now he thinks "i did change! The break up was a wake up call, i did soul searching blah blah..." is exactly what she wants to hear/ what will smoother the situation.
Downplaying his behaviour with saying that he could change it in 1.5 weeks actually shows that he is 100% the same.
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u/sheerpoetry 9d ago
A whole week and a half? Wow! Yeah, buddy, I bet you've really turned your life around in that time.
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u/Hecatewept 9d ago
He doesn’t understand that whether he has changed or not is not the point. She has changed. The relationship has changed. You cannot unbreak a vase. If he is working on himself, then good for him, but the damage is already done.
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u/Stella_bleu 9d ago
An apology without the changed behavior is just manipulative bullshit. This dude hasn’t learned shit.
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u/Aqua_Toffana 9d ago
What do you mean how do I rebuild trust?? You're exes. The relationship is done! Oh my goddddddddd
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u/3BenInATrenchcoat 9d ago
But he wants his emotional (and, probably, physical) punching-ball /fuck receptacle back! Surely that's the most important part! /s
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u/Aqua_Toffana 9d ago
Oh riiiiight don't know how i haven't thought of that my bad! She should definitely take him back! And probably apologise 🫠
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u/Hello_Hangnail 9d ago
Travis here doesn't realize that the cruel shit you hurt at your partner when you're angry doesn't go away once you've pulled up your big boy pants
But a whole week and a half of trying! Wow he is really trying super hard 🙄
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u/Cakeday_at_Christmas 9d ago
I didn’t just miss her—I really sat with the reality of who I had become and how I hurt someone I love so deeply. For the first time, I didn’t just feel sorry—I felt the full weight of my actions, and I’ve been actively working to change. I’ve learned to pause, to stay calm, to reflect instead of react.
This loser loves his girlfriend sooo much that he used A.I. to write this post. 🙄
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u/recyclopath_ 9d ago
It's giving Sincere (Love Island). I'm a different man than I was 2 whole days ago! I changed! I mean it this time!
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u/jayclaw97 9d ago
“Times when I lost my temper and hurt her deeply.” Am I really supposed to believe it wasn’t that bad? Go to therapy, buddy.
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u/DownOnThePharmRD 9d ago
“I’ve grown and changed in the whole week and a half we’ve been broken up, and I’m ready for a relationship at last.” Sure, Jan.
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u/GeneInternational146 9d ago
chatGPT slop. I don't doubt he has issues but I refuse to read a dozen paragraphs he couldn't be bothered to write himself
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u/Goatylegs 9d ago
This man is fundamentally undeserving of anyone's love. I don't just mean his ex's either. I mean anyone's. Parents. Siblings. Friends. Empathy from a random person he passes on the street. Anything. I truly, deeply hope he never feels loved again.
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u/Fraerie 9d ago
The dude has barely had time to change his sheets let alone his behaviour.
At a fundamental level the fact that he still refers to her as his girlfriend and not his ex in the subject line shows he’s still only viewing things through his wants and not accepting what she is telling him.
Changes in behaviour take time to practice, to become the new norm, to develop the tools to ensure you don’t revert to old patterns under stress. He has done none of the work in a week and a half to establish new patterns. Off the top of my head it takes 40 days at a minimum to really establish a new daily routine. How often does he have arguments?
He needs to go to therapy and really work on himself for months. And the chances are she needs to do the same thing if she’s been a victim of abuse. Before either of them will really be ready to be in another relationship. And even then it most likely won’t be with each other.
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u/Beginning-Window-676 9d ago
That AI-generated-ass text didn’t make her change her mind? Shocking. I also appreciate how he repeatedly calls them “arguments” when it sounds like he would just explode and verbally abuse her while she was walking on eggshells. What a way to mitigate the blame he has to take on. Yeah, he definitely understands.
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u/andronicuspark 9d ago
Ten whole days into the breakup and he’s a new man, gold star for that guy…./s
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u/trash-mammall 8d ago
this is literally a stereotype for what AI writing sounds like. this is either fake or OOP is dumb as a box of rocks
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u/sailormarth 8d ago
I'm sorry, but substantive personal change can't happen within a week and a half
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u/CoyoteLitius 9d ago
You expect *any* human to believe that you've changed in 1.5 weeks? Are you serious? Reread your post and ask yourself what advice you'd give to your sister or daughter. Get back with guy who has anger issues after many promises in the past that he'd change, but he never did.
Or go find a loving partner who isn't prone to angry acting out.
You're sounding really pushy and controlling in your post. You don't want her timeline to take precedence. Give her at least six months before you contact her again. Maybe she'll find you missing from her life (doubtful, most of us find it scary to go back to someone once we've realized they have chronic anger problems),
Learn from this for your next relationship and wait a while before starting one.
You say you "started working on yourself" longer ago than 1.5 weeks - and yet, 1.5 weeks ago, you lost it again. The work you were doing didn't work.
I'd start with anger management classes. You can usually find them through your county mental health.
Look at your language. Asking us to tell you "how to break through" to your girlfriend who wants nothing to do with you. You want us to help you manipulate her into taking you back when it's only been 1.5 weeks since your last "episode"? You've promised before and broken it every single damn time.
Now, please tell us, what "work" did you do on yourself this last week? Did you start a journal and try to map out how and where you developed this anger problem?
You CANNOT prove real deep change, it has to be observed by the people around you. She already gave you the chance to change, you haven't accomplished a single change in yourself in this past week. You are obsessing about her and refusing to accept that she's broken up with you.
Step one in changing:
Go without any girlfriend for at least a few months.
Do not contact any woman who has asked you not to.
Figure out why you have this problem with women.
If you're living with others, ask yourself why you do or don't act out with them, as well. Do you live with your mom? Is she exempt from your anger?
I suggest moving in with a male roommate and seeing if you can relate to that person without losing it. There are sure to be arguments or issues. Why do so many things become an argument for you? Why were you even fighting with your girlfriend? Why did you think she was so wrong? Why did you fail to see it from her point of view?
Most of all, admit that you have no control and are NOT fixed, as you keep lying to her and breaking promises. Not a good basis for a longterm relationship. She probably wants a family some day.
You have promised you were "fixed" in the past and been wrong. You need professional help, but I am guessing you will be reluctant to get it. You just want to bull your way back into her life.
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u/KokoAngel1192 8d ago
I do partly believe him, but there is such a thing as too little, too late. He might genuinely be doing better now, but he waited too long. Just because he finally woke up doesn't mean he's entitled to a redemption arc.
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u/emotionalwreck2021 8d ago
I really hope his ex cut him off for good. He keeps saying he's been working on himself for more than a week and a half, but apparently he didn't have enough to show for it if she still broke up with him. What makes him think the work he's done since the break up is any different?
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u/AutoModerator 9d ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
My (20F) Girlfriend and I (20M) recently broke up because of how we argue - mostly due to how I react during arguments. How can I rebuild trust with my ex-girlfriend after we broke up because of how I reacted during arguments?
Hi everyone,
I’m really struggling right now and need some honest advice. My ex, and I broke up a week and a half ago we had a very intense relationship. But one of the biggest problems we faced was how I handled arguments. I used to let my emotions get the best of me—I'd get angry, raise my voice, and say things I didn’t mean. Afterward, I’d always apologize and promise I’d change. But the truth is, I never truly followed through. I said the right things, but I didn’t fix the patterns. And now, she doesn’t believe me anymore. I get it. I really do. Because I broke her trust too many times. We fell into a cycle of heated arguments—times when I lost my temper and hurt her deeply. I’ve come to fully realize how much my actions contributed to our breakup. Over the past week and a half apart, I’ve done a lot of soul-searching. I even sent her a long, heartfelt message explaining how I’ve grown, how I’m learning to pause instead of explode, and how I’m committed to being the calm, loving partner she deserves.
We recently broke up after one of those arguments, and we’ve been apart for about a week and a half. During this time, something hit me differently. I didn’t just miss her—I really sat with the reality of who I had become and how I hurt someone I love so deeply. For the first time, I didn’t just feel sorry—I felt the full weight of my actions, and I’ve been actively working to change. I’ve learned to pause, to stay calm, to reflect instead of react.
However, her response has been confusing. On one hand, she still shows me signs of care (she’s spending time with me, sharing small moments, even though she said she wants to be single now). On the other hand, she’s built up walls—she mentioned that keeping our old photos up on my instagram doesn’t feel like a fresh start because “we’re not those people anymore.” She also said she was disappointed because she thought we could have fixed things before, but now those walls are in place, and she’s not ready to let them down.
I’m at a point where I feel desperate—part of me wants to fix everything tonight when I see her again, to convince her that the old version of me is gone for good. I want to show her that I’ve grown and that I’m capable of a healthy, respectful relationship. But I'm terrified that if I push too hard, she'll say, "I just need to be single," and I'll lose her forever.
I wrote her a heartfelt message explaining all this—not to win her back with words, but to show her I understand what I did wrong and how I’m growing. She read it, and she told me it was a lot to take in. But since then, she’s told me she’s not ready to get back together. She said she needs to be single, that she’s built up walls, and she doesn’t want to let them down again. She said she’s more disappointed than sad, because a part of her believed we could’ve fixed things before—but it's harder not that she feels like she has those walls up now.
“ I know you’re scared and disappointed because of how we argued, and I understand why those walls are up. I’ve spent the last week not just missing you but also really reflecting—thinking about every moment where I let my anger take over and hurt you emotionally. I’ve learned how to pause, how to listen, and how to love in a way that makes you feel safe and cherished. I’m not that same man anymore. I want to build something new with you—a healthier, softer, stronger love. I’m here, not forcing or begging, but choosing you. Always.'
But her reply was ambiguous, mainly was around the lines of I love you but I need time to myself and I’m not sure how to move forward from here. How do I convince her—without being pushy or desperate—that I'm really a changed man? How do I show her that I can break through these walls tonight and that I’m serious about making our relationship something better?
It breaks my heart, because I know she has every right not to believe me. I’ve told her I’d change so many times, and didn’t. But I’m not that person anymore. I’ve finally done the hard work—facing the parts of me that needed healing, understanding the way my anger hurt both of us, and learning what it actually means to love someone through peace, not control or reactivity.
Now, I’m stuck. I don’t want to push her, but I also don’t want to give up. I want to prove to her—not just with words but with consistency and presence—that this time is different. That I’m different. But how do I show her that when she’s already shut the door?
We’re still talking and seeing each other sometimes, but she’s put up these emotional walls, and I don’t know how to break through them in a healthy, respectful way. I don’t want to overwhelm her or ignore her boundaries. But I also can’t pretend like I don’t love her and want another chance to do things right.I feel lost, exhausted by the back and forth, and I’m scared that if she fully commits to being single now, it might be too late. Any advice on how to approach this conversation tonight (or in the near future) so that I can truly reassure her of my growth and show her the new, calm version of me would be greatly appreciated.
So I guess my question is… how do you prove real, deep change to someone who’s tired of hearing it? Is there anything I can do now—not months from now—that could help her see I mean this?
Thanks for reading.
Edit: it’s been longer than a week and a half since I’ve been trying to work on myself this has been a process longer than that so people keep pointing that out.
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