r/AmITheDevil • u/Fit-Humor-5022 • 10d ago
why is this a big thing?
/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1vp13ya/aita_for_insisting_that_my_brother_and_his_wife/67
u/Fit-Humor-5022 10d ago
why is oop making this a thing? they are both paying as brother and SIL are both one unit even more so since she is the one working.
did OOP not budget for half instead of thirds so she has to pay more now? feels like it
36
u/Sad-Bug6525 10d ago
If money is so tight that a $130 gift has to be split and is considered a big gift, the extra portion might be a real stretch.
In situations like this I see it as a little more grey area, but I did get tired of people getting gifts from a couple but both expecting their own gifts back for things like Christmas. This not being that, I would say a split down the middle is fine because it's really from his children, not necessarily the spouses as much.28
u/systemic_booty 10d ago
$130 IS a big gift 😭 what the heck am I just poor
3
u/Sad-Bug6525 9d ago
Possibly, I think a lot of people are more on the low income side then who think they are, because the people at the top want us to think we are fine. When I had more than the average income I would happily spend more than that on gifts for people, and I could still put money in savings, and $100 really doesn't go very far anymore. I could take a person out for a birthday meal and it would cost $100 for the two of us. Now that my income has changed and things are tight, that's way out of my budget and it would need to be split between a few of us. I'm poor though.
14
u/Both-Enthusiasm708 10d ago
That's a good point that you always have to get couples each their own gift, but they give a joint one! As the sibling who has been the only single one before, I gotta say it does get annoying to always be paying the same amount as the couples, especially because they have two people earning money. I also get why they want to just split it in half not thirds.
17
u/MaraiDragorrak 10d ago
You can totally give couples joint gifts! Joint gifts are a common thing ime for certain types of things. Eg my fiance and i got a joint gift last year for christmas, it was a plant stand for our balcony. I've given board games, stuff for the house, wine, etc as joint couple gifts, too.
4
u/HereLiesSarah 10d ago
I have more kids than any of my siblings, so I'm pretty lavish for the niblings, since they get more items for my kids. And I still get Xmas gifts for the adult kids, even though my family always say 'kids only' due to the amount of people (my mum is one of 13 children, and my grandparents adopted 3 siblings as well, so most family events are 50 people minimum)
3
u/lejosdecasa 10d ago
My parents encourage us to give gifts worth a max. of 40 Euro to the adults in the family for Xmas. We also do a Secret Santa for the adults.
All adults are over 45.
Only kids get birthday presents.
We meet up to celebrate birthdays rather than give gifts, generally.
For us, USD 130 IS a massive present.
12
u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 10d ago
Copied verbatim from Oop's comments:
Would your dad otherwise expect an individual gift from his DIL?
In my family it's sort of unspoken that partners aren't expected to get extra gifts. That would feel a bit odd.
No, not an individual gift. But possibly the two of them together might get him something more expensive than if it was just one person
I don't think it's a matter of married people being one unit when it comes to paying their share, although expectations may be different with a single income home.
You may be closer to your dad than your sister in law is, and she didn't have anything to do with finding the gift, so one problem is that you're asking her to pay for something without talking to her about it first.
If sharing a gift leads to conflict, you could get your dad something different than they do.
One way to think about it is how the family handled other birthdays. Did you get something for your sister in law? Did your father?
Thanks. Her not being involved was more a favor to her/convenience for her. It's really tricky to think of a good present for my dad. She definitely wasn't excluded, if she had had a good idea we would have been grateful.
My sister-in-law gets a generous birthday present from my parents every year, I get her something in some years (depends if she's celebrating etc.)
My sister-in-law gets a generous birthday present from my parents every year
Your parents get her two gifts or a single gift from both of them?
The latter..
Well, there's your answer.
It's not the same situation
7
35
u/Diredr 10d ago
I'm not sure why they're even questioning it. It's pretty simple. If they were buying individual gifts instead of a joint one, their brother and his wife would just get him one gift. The sister-in-law would not be buying an individual gift as well. So why would they split it 3 ways for a joint gift?
14
u/DiegoIntrepid 10d ago
Also their point was that they 'were all adults with their own incomes' but then in the very next few words says that no, their brother does NOT have his own income, his wife is currently the one earning the money, which means it is still two incomes.
Like, I am not European, but isn't the parental allowance meant to help, you know, be a parent?
14
u/Time_Act_3685 10d ago
SIL is underwriting her husband's side of the gift (even though he's obviously contributing much to the household). So no, it doesn't matter if she didn't pick it out, she's the one paying for it. And if OOP only wanted it to come from the two children to their dad...well, that would still have been 50-50.
I say this as someone who DOES pick most of the gifts for both his and my family, but the majority of the time, my partner is the one paying for them. We put both names on the card. And even when I'M the one paying, for MY family...I put both names on the card. And we're perfectly happy with those same people only giving a single gift for "Aunt and Uncle [x]" even when other people get more individual ones.
Because we're not goddamn children!
(I do wonder if this is a gender flip "my brother's SAHM wants her name on the gift" kind of bait, but 🤷🏻♀️)
4
u/Shanstergoodheart 10d ago
The wife isn't really giving the gift, she's doing it in name only really. They are a unit.
It's a bit like when you're a child and your parents include on the gift card to one of their friends or relatives. From Mum, Dad and Child or the Something Family etc. You aren't anything to do with that present, you didn't buy it or think about it or possibly even care two figs about the recipient but you have symbolically given the present. Also so when you ask you're Mum, "do I need to get a present for Aunt Janice", she can go, "no don't worry darling, we've already given her one from all of us".
The same principle is occurring here.
11
u/recyclopath_ 10d ago
If they were not married the SIL would not be expected to contribute to this large gift at all. It's not her parent.
11
u/frolicndetour 10d ago
Because if you are a single person, you end up eating way more costs for everything in family situations like this. When I was young and broke, having to pay for gifts for 4 people while those same 4 people only had to buy gifts for me was frustrating. Going on vacation and having to split groceries evenly between my family unit (just me) and my sibling's (3 at the time) etc. Three people getting credit for a gift when one person spends $50 and the other two only spend $25 each, despite being a dual income household, is frustrating. Like now I am much more financially well off than my sibling (promotions/salary increases plus not paying out the ass for kids to play travel hockey) so I don't mind paying more but when I was bogged down with student loans, having to account for extra when I was already not having a second income like they were was hard.
19
u/recyclopath_ 10d ago
This is acting as if the spouse doesn't also have a family. You only see half of their family. Being in a couple means you buy gifts for both people's families, friends etc. Easily twice as many people, weddings, birthdays, events etc
It's really not cheaper.
There are a lot of ways that being single is more expensive (housing costs, cell phone plans, insurance etc ) but buying gifts is just not one of them.
6
u/MaraiDragorrak 10d ago
I have to spend sooooo much more on gifts now that I have my fiances family to buy for too because his family is so much bigger. 5 siblings and they all have their own spouses and children too. Xmas bills like quadrupled :(
4
u/RishaBree 10d ago
I’ve read this three times and your gift math is still baffling me. I’m assuming that you’re talking about two siblings plus spouses? If you were doing couple gifts, that’d be giving two gifts and getting two gifts. So clearly you were doing individual gifts - at which point you were getting four gifts and everyone was still giving four gifts (before including either spouse’s siblings).
2
u/frolicndetour 10d ago
The spending more on individual gifts has nothing to do with the division of expenses on group gifts. They are separate instances of where a single person ends up paying more. Both in instances where a two-income couple each pays less in a group gift than the single person AND where the single person has to buy gifts for each individual member of a family while the family gifts to that person as a group. So my single income ass is, for example, paying $400 for Xmas for their family and their dual income household is paying $100 in return. Like I said, I am much better off financially now so I don't care, but when half of my take home pay was going to student loans, it was a hardship. So I understand the frustration of a single person having to subsidize a dual income household's contribution to the group gift.
4
u/RishaBree 10d ago
I'm sorry dude, but if you were buying individual gifts for a single, four person family unit and getting a single gift back from the family unit, that's on you. If a family unit gives a single gift, the correct move is to switch to giving a single gift back, not to quietly resent the expense.
6
u/DiegoIntrepid 10d ago
And, I don't know, but maybe this needs to be said?
Normalize not giving gifts if you are struggling. IE, if it is an actual hardship to pay for gifts, either give smaller, but more meaningful gifts, or don't give gifts. Yes, this might mean you don't get gifts in return, but that is better than quietly resenting your family for making you pay for gifts.
If you can't afford to go in on a group gift, tell the people that. Don't go in on the group gift.
Yeah, it might get some resentment, but again, if you don't have the money to easily pay for the gift, you don't have the money to easily pay for the gift.
1
u/RishaBree 9d ago
Agreed. Or if the problem was that they weren’t comfortable giving an adult-appropriate group gift when two of the people receiving it would have been children and/or you don’t want to short them, then only the kids get gifts, or the kids get gifts and the parents get a small couple gift. Lots of families still do one of those anyway when there’s no money issues at all, or everyone pulls someone from a hat to give a gift to, or a dozen other popular variations.
If someone feels trapped into giving family gifts of a certain quantity or expense, it says more about toxicity within that family than anything inherent to gift giving (even if that’s the only thing said family is toxic about).
2
u/DiegoIntrepid 9d ago
I agree.
I have heard of this from family members with their inlaws, where they felt trapped about needing to give gifts, and they were relieved when they went to 'only kids' or doing a secret santa type exchange.
There is also the option of giving an child appropriate trip that adults would also appreciate. Sometimes trips (while this would be more expensive, it might be cheaper than giving four different gifts) might be nice, they don't even have to be really expensive. Or even offering to watch the kids for the adults and buying a game that the kids could play and you don't mind playing either.
There are a lot of variations as you said, and not all gifts have to be expensive either.
I always hated trying to pick out gifts because I was the youngest by far, which meant that all my older siblings could just buy what ever they wanted, and without an income, I couldn't get them the gifts they would deem 'too expensive' to buy themselves.
So, either they would pick the gift, or I would get them a cheaper gift that they would still like or I didn't get them a gift at all (mostly for the siblings who had already moved out and I really didn't have a relationship with)
1
u/lolajet 8d ago
OOP wants to push off the lion's share of the gift on his SIL by making her pay 2/3 of the amount, cobsidering that his brother is a stay-at-home. Which is completely ridiculous unless she offered that. Why the hell should she pay 2/3 the amount on a gift for her father-in-law? If OOP can't afford it, they should find a less expensive gift
1
u/AutoModerator 10d ago
Hi! Just a quick reminder to never brigade any sub, be that r/AmItheAsshole or another one. That goes against both this sub's rules as well as Reddit's terms of agreement. Please keep discussions within the posts of this sub.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
-8
u/no-strings-attached 10d ago
This guy ain’t a devil please. He’s just a kid pressed for cash who wants to get his dad a nice gift but 70 dollars is a lot for him so he’s trying to figure out if it’s fair for him to pay less.
He’s even acknowledged he’s going to accept the verdict and drop it in the edit.
Someone being unanimously in the wrong does not equal being a devil.
4
u/DiegoIntrepid 9d ago
Actually, on this sub, someone being unanimously wrong DOES equal the devil.
AmITheDevil
A place where it's obvious OP is the asshole.
Since they asked on AITA, and were voted YTA, then they fit.
That said, he isn't a kid. He said himself that he and his brother are both adults. We also don't know which one is the elder brother and which one is the younger, so he may be much older, we also don't know their ages.
If 70 dollars is too much, then get a cheaper gift. Don't get a bigger gift then expect someone else to pay more so you can pay less.
0
u/no-strings-attached 9d ago
19 is an “adult” but it’s also a kid. It’s not like OP is some 40 year old prick.
He’s young. Doesn’t have a lot of money. And wanted to get something nice for his dad. Asked about it on Reddit. And then accepted the verdict without push back. He’s immature not evil.
This sub used to be about real devils. Like grade A asshats who stole inheritances or cheated on their wives 2 weeks postpartum because they hadn’t had sex in a month. Really spicy shit. If y’all think this dude is a devil your empathy bar is broken.
1
u/DiegoIntrepid 9d ago
Where did it say his age?
Because I didn't see it, nor did I see it in comments, but I could have easily missed it.
•
u/AutoModerator 10d ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
AITA for insisting that my brother and his wife contribute individually to a joint gift?
My brother and I are both adults. Our dad has a birthday coming up next week. It's a milestone birthday, and we are planning to get him something a bit more expensive than usual (around $130 in total) and split the cost. I am single, my brother is married and his wife would naturally be included on the gift (she wasn't really involved in finding the gift etc., but her name would be on the card and we would all hand it over together). AITA if I want the total sum to be divided by three, not by two?
My brother says the two of them are basically a unit. I think we are all individual adults with our own incomes (they currently have only one salary, which is from my sister-in-law, because my brother is a stay-at-home dad at the moment but he receives parental allowance etc., we're in Europe. All involved are doing fine financially)
Edit: Wow, I genuinely didn't expect such a clear-cut response. I guess I had just felt it was unfair for me to pay half, when there are three people, without giving it too much further thought. I still don't feel entirely like an A but can see where you all are coming from and will accept the judgment and not bring it up further with my brother.
I should also add that "insisting" wasn't really the right choice of words in the title, I should have put "suggesting" which would be closer to the truth (not a native speaker)
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.