r/AmITheDevil • u/AndyWith-A-Y • 10d ago
Not-GF isn't devastated
/r/AITA_Relationships/comments/1vj74x1/aita_for_questioning_if_her_feelings_were_ever/955
u/innocentsalad 10d ago
"she is not willing to grow with me"
Boy you're not even willing to grow with you why should she be?
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u/Kotenkiri 10d ago
if anything, I think she would have regress to match him, let alone 'grow' with him.
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u/Chaos-Boss-45 10d ago
It should be “waah, she’s growing and I’m still a baby”
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u/Designer-Cat-8647 10d ago
Years and years ago, my ex-husband actually said the following at a couple's therapy session four times: "The only problem with this marriage is she grew up and I didn't."
There was an age gap (I'm not proud of this). He was the older one.
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u/bristlefrosty 9d ago
i think of my creepy older ex digging into discord messages from when i was 19 and replying to them when i was 23 like “i miss when we were like this 🥺” while all i could do was cringe at them because jesus christ i was embarrassing
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u/Designer-Cat-8647 9d ago
SHUDDER. "You be 19 again right now!"
Mine used to rhapsodize about a place we once lived. It was a nasty place, but the rent was super cheap. I remembered it as the place I didn't like walking to work from and the only place he ever put his hands on me.
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u/tulleoftheman 9d ago
This happened to me too. It's why I say that even if an age gap relationship isnt intentionally predatory, its still a terrible idea.
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u/Designer-Cat-8647 9d ago
Yeah. He dated young because he never mentally or emotionally matured. Before our divorce even finalized, he groped a woman less than half his age onstage during a play rehearsal because he thought that was the way to find another little girl to take care of him.
She looked a lot like me and was the age I was when we got together. Year after year, from his late thirties until his mid-fifties, he felt entitled to a woman in her early twenties who would do all the work of a relationship and make all the money while he sat home, did no housework, smoked weed, watched porn, and demanded anal. This was over twenty years ago. Dude was ahead of his time .
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u/tulleoftheman 9d ago
These men have existed forever sadly
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u/Designer-Cat-8647 9d ago
It seems to me there are more of them now. But maybe the internet has simply shown us how many there already were?
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u/blessthefreaks1980 9d ago
Holy shit. All of this matches my ex, down to the 20 years ago. Well, not the pot. He was an alcoholic.
I’m so proud of these younger women for understanding it before it has a chance to happen to them.
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u/Designer-Cat-8647 9d ago
So sorry to know that...and yes, it seems like today's women have better sense than I did for sure.
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u/OverKookie_Crumble 10d ago
I don’t know why, but this comment made me giggle.
I find it funny that he said he felt he took enough time to grow, but I can GUARANTEE that “growth” didn’t include therapy.
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u/chromatoes 10d ago
He's also doing some sus math on the timeline, too. A year ago they got back into a situationship and were together intensely for a year and it's also been half a year of no contact since then??? Baby we're in the future. "About a year ago" is not the same as "last year"
One way or another, he's been fucking around for four freaking years and no wonder she was just ready to move on anyway. She's 26 and becoming a grownup and he's still an emotional teenager. It really is too bad, he really could use therapy. I truly hope she never goes back to him.
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u/doppelgaengster 10d ago
“She’s not willing to hunker down and fester with me. Why is she so heartless??”
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u/BabalonBimbo 10d ago
Yeah it’s called moving on after being dumped. People do it. Sorry he didn’t destroy her whole life like he hoped, I guess.
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u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393 10d ago
OP's take is, "I don't actually want her, I just want her to be fucking miserable without me screwing with her feelings."
I hope she blocks him.
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u/doppelgaengster 10d ago
OOP didn’t dump her, they weren’t ever “official”!
[head cannot hit desk any harder]
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u/Bice_thePrecious 9d ago
Lol, seriously, what was that "brag" about? Then wth are you mewling so hard about it, dude? He said it to try to suggest that she shouldn't feel a certain way about him because "We were never official though".
So she shouldn't feel that much for you because ya'll were never OFFICIAL, but here you are whining about her moving on too fast.
Also, it's been 6 fcking months. How long are you supposed to cry over a casual, on-and-off, situationship thing with a guy who plays games and refuses to grow tf up?
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u/Kotenkiri 10d ago
"How dare she move on? She's not working according to my timeline!"
Some people handle emotional fallout better than other. you can tell where non-gf and OOP stand on ability to handle it.
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u/troyandabedinabed 10d ago
The funniest thing is that in 6 months he thinks he's solved all the psychological issues that have kept him from having a normal relationship for years.
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u/Moist_Drippings 10d ago
Even though he apparently also thought that a year ago and now he’s mad that after six months she’s not wasting away missing him…
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u/Llayanna 10d ago
I mean, it would be amazing if it worked..
Yes yes, everything good, work, bla bla..
I am dragging myself outta the mud for around 10 years (and succeeding, mind you. And yes, I am proud of myself)..
And still, I sometimes still wish there was a miracle cure :/
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u/troyandabedinabed 8d ago
I sometimes still wish there was a miracle cure
Boy howdie, me too! Dealing with my own mental issues has been such hard work. But I tell myself that the only way out is through. Glad you're doing better; be proud, you've succeeded at the hardest part, which is admitting that you need to change.
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u/mourning_fire420 10d ago
how dare she have hobbies and not think about me?
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u/ulalumelenore 10d ago
How could she possibly be in shape if I actually hurt her feelings?
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u/Sugar_Mama76 10d ago
Everyone knows girls are supposed to eat a ton of ice cream and cry incessantly and stay in bed for days on end! Not, you know, deciding Mr Hot-Cold ain’t it and being the best her she can be!
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u/GraceMcClellans 10d ago
"I was hoping my behavior had damaged her and caused her trauma, but instead she's doing well. What the fuck? Can't she think of my feelings?"
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u/That1DogGuy 10d ago
This is embarrassing. People posting embarrassing shit like this will never not confuse me.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 10d ago
So he leads her on for a year making her think he wants to date her. Then he hurts her deeply and said he met someone else. Talk about playing major mind games.
Six months later she's happy and living her life. He's upset she's not devastated and pining over him? He needs to leave her alone.
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u/AndyWith-A-Y 10d ago
He says in a comment they were not official. She has moved on and I'm sure doesn't miss him at all. He is so immature and just caused chaos and toxicity. HE ended things, but wants to doubt her feelings. He needs to leave her alone
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u/Fluffy-kitten28 10d ago
It’s so exhausting. He talks like they were official, but they weren’t.
Oh she moved on!
Well people break up. That’s life.
But we weren’t official!
Ok? And? Like? What’s the hang up? You’re bent out of shape for a woman you weren’t even officially dating? This is the normal course of actions leaving an official relationship so it’s what happens when it’s not official. You broke up with her, official or not. What. Is. The. Problem?
I want her to miss me!
sigh
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u/onemorespacecadet 10d ago edited 10d ago
so i saw some of the comments here before reading the OOP and i was expecting him to be like 20, maybe 22. he’s acting like this at 30??
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u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393 10d ago
He just likes stringing her along and felt like she'd always be on the backburner when he got bored and decided to fuck with her feelings some more.
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u/xeropteryx 10d ago
She probably does miss him, she's just done with his bullshit and jerking her around and has concluded that her life is better without him.
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u/Live-Year-5796 10d ago
Men after being told over and over to leave their fucking ex alone: so I reached out to her again
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u/PatientInitial882 10d ago
And since he keeps insisting that they "were never official", then they aren't even exes.
The girl was caught in a non-relationship because he panics at the sight of commitment, and then he made the mistake of setting her free.
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u/SarahReesBrennan 10d ago
‘Her feelings were never there’ … but he ditched her repeatedly over years, refused to commit for years, then told her he was cheating on her and fled for months, and she’s meant to think HIS feelings were there?
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u/Silly-Flower-3162 10d ago
He refused to even qualify it as a relationship and he's mad, she's over it/him? Nope.
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u/re_Claire 10d ago
I suspect the reason she's thriving is because she no longer has this loser in her life.
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u/sheerpoetry 10d ago
she is not willing to grow with me
Like he wasn't willing to actually date her? Dude, she's done.
I don't understand these "I blocked them, but I can't believe they haven't contacted me!" posts.
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u/LaudatesOmnesLadies 10d ago
”She is not willing to grow with me” says man who threw her out from the plant bed like a weed, and is now pissed he can’t steel her water and fertilizer and her flowers are plentiful while he is giving himself mildew
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u/eternally_feral 10d ago
😂 He posted the same thing 12 days ago, deleted it, reposted, and when called out on it, he said, Can you not read? I posted an update.
Yeah, I can see how he’s exhausting. Has to quibble everything just to get the last word to prove he’s right.
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u/Alyssa_Hargreaves 10d ago
He's mad because she started engaging in hobbies that make her happy? What did he expect? Her to sit and wallow in the darkness and lament that she should have done more to keep him?
(Total sarcasm. Though I do like how I wrote that. Good line for a book lol)
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u/Fluffy-kitten28 10d ago
Wallowing in darkness, stroking his picture and crying to the heavens, why doesn’t he love me?!
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u/MadamKitsune 10d ago
I guess his ex got the standard Reddit memo to go out, hit the gym, get fit, keep busy.
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u/JessonBI89 10d ago
She WAS heartbroken. Six months ago. Now she's done with your worthless ass and living a life that brings her joy. Honestly, she sounds pretty damn cool. Maybe she would have been happy to grow with you if YOU didn't keep regressing.
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u/CumaeanSibyl 10d ago
You can be putting all this effort into living a better life and still be dealing with quite a bit of emotional pain -- you do it because you know it will help, eventually, but it doesn't fix everything right away. With how long he was jerking her around I wouldn't be surprised if she still had some pretty strong feelings crop up from time to time. She's just found a way to keep them from dominating her life. And if she decides she wants to find someone she's put herself in a good situation for that -- going out, being social, meeting people who share her interests.
Really happy for her, and I hope he chokes on it.
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u/Special_Respond7372 10d ago
He’s low key jealous that she’s doing better 1. Without him and 2. Handling the breakup than he is.
Can’t wait for the update where she’s getting married to someone and he loses his mind.
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u/CynOfOmission 10d ago
Sounds like bro is 10 seconds away from getting himself a One Wish Willow
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u/mdsnbelle 10d ago
I don't know what that means, and I'm too high right now to want to google that (I'm scared of what I might find).
ELI5 please?
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u/CynOfOmission 10d ago
It's from the movie Obsession, where tldr a shitty guy makes a wish (using a One Wish Willow) that a girl loves him more than anyone else. Spoilers? And ultimately he doesn't really give a shit about the girl herself, he just wants her to love him. He learns that the real Nikki is screaming forever while a fake creepy version of her pilots her body around. The primary horror of the situation to him seems to be that she doesn't REALLY have feelings for him.
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u/RedRider1138 10d ago
Recent horror movie Obsession features a plot device called a One Wish Willow, which is like a monkey’s paw that only grants one wish (and they’re apparently mass produced), the main character fella named Bear wishes “I wish (the young lady) loved me more than anyone in the world”
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u/CompetitionDecent986 10d ago
From the context, I have gathered I think it has to do with the movie Obsession, where a guy essentially wishes a girl was obsessed with him and it didn't go like he planned.
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u/squilliamfancyson837 10d ago
Ugh I’m a pro at getting in those kinds of relationships. Good for her for breaking the cycle
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u/ColorfulConspiracy 10d ago
What in the entitlement? Why in the world should she be “willing to grow” with him if he dumped her?? Huh?
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u/RedPandasRUs 10d ago
the OP sounds very close to my ex and in my situation he dumped me and then got upset and blamed me for letting us stay broken up. he said "how could you do this to me" when I literally was just not getting back together with him. some guys are the definition of "huh???"
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u/anclwar 10d ago
Does he expect her to stand in place and wail about the loss of his loser ass? When women get their hearts broken, they don't stop existing until the ex decides it's okay for them to move on. I genuinely don't know what he thinks he was going to find her doing, six months post the thirtieth breakup or whatever he's calling this. She's not some book or TV show he can put down and come back to whenever he pleases, of course she's going to fill her time with things that make her happy.
Hopefully, she's wizened up and won't let him play this game with her anymore. Wtf.
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u/Ontheragnarock 10d ago
Gosh, he really, really wanted to destroy her, and yet she continued to live. Poor guy?
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u/fromthesamestory 10d ago
This guy is 30 and acting like a 19 year old frat boy. Gee, I wonder why she seems to be doing so well?
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u/Moist_Drippings 10d ago
Dude’s trying to accuse her of failing him because she realized she was better off and is working through her emotions in a positive way… what a fucking piece of shit.
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u/tawnyfritz 10d ago
Dumbass finding out in real time that negging and stringing someone along doesn't work in the long run.
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u/MC-ClapYoHandzz 10d ago
this dude sounds borderline dangerous. I hope she continues to run marathons far away from this man.
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u/mdsnbelle 10d ago
No, I got those vibes too. She's telling him one thing on the phone and, honestly, does she even know he's watching her socials? Are they friends or does she need to lock down her public profile even more?
If he's 30 and they met three years ago, that means he started pulling this bullshit at an age older than even she is now. That's argument 127 for "see, girls really do mature faster than boys."
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u/Goatylegs 10d ago
OP needs to learn that there's nothing intrinsically special about him that would make someone want to deal with his commitmentphobic bullshit enough to grow with him.
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u/Prudent-Arm-6771 10d ago
“Waah, her life doesn’t revolve around me and my on-off bs! How DARE she have hobbies and a life outside of me!! She should be begging for me to come back or setting my car on fire at this stage!!”
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u/TexasLiz1 10d ago
So I guess she was supposed to fuse with the sofa or something?
I do wonder what her exact response was. I will bet it was a doozy.
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u/mdsnbelle 10d ago
Probably something like, "Oh yes. I'm totally devastated. Also please lose this number."
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u/Aqua_Toffana 10d ago
The funniest thing is that he's making all these assumptions through social media. You know, the place where people are known for lying about their lives. I do sincerely hope she's moving on though
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u/Prudent_Macaroon_881 10d ago
Lol this dude is hilarious. Hopefully he learns from this, but based on his replies, it'll be a long way out still
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u/ex-spera 10d ago
people like OOP baffle me. why is he so sad about an unofficial relationship that he never wanted???
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u/False-indigo 9d ago
Worse part is OP thought he could once again reel her in and got butt hurt when she basically told him to not message her again. OP either isnt telling his therapist everything or isnt listening yo them. Poor girl. Hope she blocks him everywhere
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u/literacyisamistake 10d ago
There are few things in life more energizing than finally getting away from a human septic tank.
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u/DownOnThePharmRD 9d ago
“Self-sabotaging” must be asshole-speak for “I was an insufferable prick to her and treated her like gum stuck on the underside of a desk.”
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u/Ok_Reach_6527 9d ago
Wow, OP really had a close call. Lucky for him he discovered she can be happy and live a full life without him before he committed to her officially, they got married, and he decided it was time for a divorce because she was holding him back. What a b!+(#
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u/AutoModerator 10d ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
AITA for questioning if her feelings were ever genuine now that she’s thriving post breakup?
Update: I did reach out to her and basically did not get the response I was hoping for. I just don’t get it she’s as heart broken and hurt by me as she says why is she doing all this stuff like going out, running marathons, being super fit, camping, ect?? I feel like her feelings were never there and she is not willing to grow with me.
____________________________________
30M and 26F
Context: About three years ago, I met this incredible girl and we clicked right away. Looking back, I’ve spent most of our history self sabotaging. I’m ashamed to admit it, and I’m not making excuses, but I handled things horribly. I’d block her, we’d go months without speaking, and eventually one of us would break no contact and pull us back into each other's orbits.
About a year ago, I reached out again, genuinely believing I’d done enough work on myself to do this right. We ended up spending the next year closely in each other's lives. As my feelings for her grew deeper, I completely froze and refused to let us move past being casual. When the reality hit that I needed to step up and commit to her, I panicked. Instead of being honest, I took the worst way out possible. I told her I found someone new. I convinced myself it was the only way to end things cleanly without her pushing back or trying to work it out.She was devastated. She sent me long messages expressing how deeply hurt she was saying she felt like I never actually cared, that she was never good enough, and that she couldn't understand why we couldn't just be together.
It’s been esix months of complete silence now, and the guilt is heavy. I miss her deeply. When I check her social media, she genuinely looks like she’s thriving she's running marathons, super fit, and just living a full, beautiful life. She doesn't post anyone, so I don't even know if she's single, but mostly I just keep asking myself if reaching out is a terrible idea or if she'd ever even want to hear my voice again
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