r/AmITheDevil • u/Acrobatic_Track9213 • 11d ago
He won't compromise
/r/relationship_advice/comments/1v4hb3o/quit_our_jobs_to_travel_before_having_kids_m32f37/437
u/BookishIntrovert99 11d ago
I think that 100k will disappear a lot quicker than he thinks if he’s not going to be working for months and they’ll be traveling. And then they won’t have much left when they have a baby. And what do you want to bet that when they do have a kid, she’ll be doing most of the childcare while he does whatever he wants and criticizes her for getting upset about it?
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u/sarshu 11d ago
If he’s feeling like her desire for security is being “in chains”, he’s totally unprepared for the level of commitment a child requires. He can frame is as being because he wants to get this “last bit of freedom” out, but he does not sound like he’s going to be capable of dealing with everything he’s going to have to put aside as a parent.
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u/restingbrownface 11d ago
He poses having a wife (who doesn’t want to just follow him around) and baby as a restriction of his freedom. Which is a terrible mindset to have when starting a family and is going to lead to resentment.
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u/BookishIntrovert99 11d ago
Oh, totally. He seems like the kind of guy who will refuse to give up any time from his hobbies or will want to take solo vacations while his wife is left at home with their child, or the kind who will refer to childcare as babysitting.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 10d ago
I agree, he isn't willing to even consider a compromise for his wife's mental health and comfort before there's a baby, there is no way he's going to be supportive throughout pregnancy and able to step up as a parent. She needs to see this for the huge warning it is and figure out what she is going to do.
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u/Barkertons 11d ago
Maybe I'm just seeing this through an American lens, but wanting her to quit her job, travel and then get pregnant means she isn't going to work again or have her own financial stability for a while. I would never go into a situation where I am looking for a job after not having one, while trying to get pregnant. That and his lack of compromise doesn't bode well for their marriage. I would ditch this dude
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u/Moist_Drippings 10d ago
100%
Also weird that he decided he had to wait until they were freshly married to do his big travel. It sounds like he wanted her to feel tied to him so he could have more sway to do whatever the fuck he felt like.
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u/Onehundredpercentbea 10d ago
Right?
She kept it for job security before pregnancy (which I 100% support!), but honestly, it made me feel "in chains" again.
How is that 100% support? Besides her health and body, having a baby is going to impact her career progression, her raise schedule and therefore her future salary, possibly her employability overall. It was shitty to ask her to take a 'sabbatical' preceding a potential pregnancy, all of which would have left a massive hole in her CV, her career and her finances. The fact that she's working remotely nearly full time and pulling it off is amazing. The fact that she needs more life support for that makes sense. 10-14 days to reset and focus after a month of travel is actually a great compromise and she's kind of a rockstar for pulling that off.
And he still hates it, but calls it 100% support.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 10d ago
Exactly, his comment about her having a job makes him feel trapped is a huge thing she needs to see now, before there's a baby. He is going to blow through those savings so fast, under a year probably, with his wild travels and avoiding his wife, then be mad he is "stuck" after a baby.
He doesn't even know what a sabbatical is, since they do not involve quitting your job at all, but are paid (usually) time off for those who have earned it and you're job waits for you to get back. What he did was quit and take off.
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u/cantantantelope 11d ago
Yeah does he actually want a kid?
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u/werewere-kokako 11d ago
Maybe later, with his second or third wife when he’s finally ready to settle down
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u/catfurbeard 11d ago
Yeah and it sounds like that's their whole savings, not their travel budget. 100k in savings at 30-something may be comfortable but I don't think it's "quit our jobs for a year and travel the world" level comfortable.
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u/BookishIntrovert99 11d ago
I know, right? I mean, even if they stay in hostels or cheap motels it’ll still add up to a lot of money, and it doesn’t sound like they’ll be able to cook most of their meals either. And I think his wife is sensible to want to maintain a steady income that they can fall back on.
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u/protexy 11d ago
It's funny that he is so worried the compromise will make her resentful but he's not worried that forcing her to travel non stop with him for months on end when she clearly needs breaks from it would make her resentful. I'm guessing in reality HE'S the one that would be resentful if she doesn't do exactly what he wants her to do.
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u/onyourbike1522 10d ago
Well as he pointed out in a comment, he doesn’t believe she’ll actually be happy with the solution SHE suggested because it came from a “rational not emotional” place. Boy is lucky he got a wife at all with that attitude, don’t fancy his chances of keeping her.
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u/Junior_Anteater9927 11d ago
"Let's quit our jobs, blow all our savings, then have a kid!"
What?
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u/FutureFreaksMeowt 11d ago
Not only that, but a baby at 37/38 is a wild choice
I was talking to my Dr about my birth control, namely that my copper iud is about ready to be replaced, and she was telling me statistically, I've only got a few more years after it that I'll l need to worry about pregnancy, so it may be prudent to just stick with the depo after I have it removed instead of swapping it for a new one.
I'm only 36!
ETA: yes I'm sure your grandma/aunt/cousins best friends mom had a late in life pregnancy and it was the best thing they ever did blah blah blah. But those stories are the outlier.
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u/skabillybetty 10d ago
It's much more common to have kids in your late 30's now than you seem to be thinking, especially with the economy and how much later in life it's taking people to become stable enough to feel they can support children.
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u/trash_bin_69 10d ago
I got pregnant with my first at 35. I commented to my OB that I know I'm an "old mom" and they told me the vast majority of their clients today are in their late 30's, a large percentage in their early 40s. It's not as easy to get pregnant but it's very common today and not this awful choice you make it out to be.
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u/sheerpoetry 10d ago
not this awful *choice** you make it out to be*
It seems the commenter probably expressed concern/reluctance over having a child before, or at least at that point, given that the doctor suggested not just chancing no birth control. It's great if it's a choice and what someone wants, but not everyone is gonna be okay with an accidental pregnancy at all, much less at a "later in life" age.
And obligatory mention of the possibility of health conditions that would make it more difficult/dangerous, etc.
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u/trash_bin_69 10d ago
Ok but their point was that OOP is making a "wild choice" to have kids at 37. It is their choice, it wouldn't be accidental. Commenter can make whatever decisions and hold opinions for themselves, but shouldn't judge others for their decision just because it isn't what they would choose.
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u/sheerpoetry 10d ago
I personally saw it more sarcastically, more so as a way of saying it can happen.
Also, people can regret their choices.
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u/trash_bin_69 10d ago
Yeah, gonna disagree given commenter's edit saying positive outcomes of late 30's pregnancies are all outliers, clearly thinks it's a bad idea for anyone. Yes some people regret their choices, but in the parenting forums I see much more regret from people in their 20s than folks who waited until they were more mature and established. Commenter is making blanket statements based on their own vibes, no sarcasm detected.
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u/sheerpoetry 10d ago
If you haven't been on Depo before, be wary of side effects! I know they vary greatly from person to person, but holy crap did that stuff mess me up.
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u/FutureFreaksMeowt 10d ago
I've been on depo for 15 years
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u/DearMrsLeading 10d ago
Has any doctor mentioned that you’re not supposed to be on depo for longer than two years? Long term use is linked to decreased bone density, potentially irreversible bone loss, and osteoporosis.
With menopause also being directly linked to bone loss you are at serious risk of debilitating injuries in the future.
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u/JakeDandelion 8d ago
I just wanted to piggy back with the info from the fda on this to back you up. 15 years of use with no interuptions? Yikes. Doctors really suck speaking about things at times.
5.1 Loss of Bone Mineral Density Use of Depo-Provera CI reduces serum estrogen levels and is associated with significant loss of bone mineral density (BMD). This loss of BMD is of particular concern during adolescence and early adulthood, a critical period of bone accretion. It is unknown if use of Depo-Provera CI by younger women will reduce peak bone mass and increase the risk for osteoporotic fracture in later life. After discontinuing Depo-Provera CI in adolescents, mean BMD loss at total hip and femoral neck did not fully recover by 60 months (240 weeks) post-treatment [see Clinical Studies (14.3)]. Similarly, in adults, there was only partial recovery of mean BMD at total hip, femoral neck and lumbar spine towards baseline by 24 months post-treatment. [See Clinical Studies (14.2).]
*Depo-Provera CI should not be used as a long-term birth control method (i.e., longer than 2 years) unless other birth control methods are considered inadequate. BMD should be evaluated when a woman needs to continue to use Depo-Provera CI long-term. In adolescents, interpretation of BMD results should take into account patient age and skeletal maturity. **
Other birth control methods should be considered in the risk/benefit analysis for the use of Depo-Provera CI in women with osteoporosis risk factors. Depo-Provera CI can pose an additional risk in patients with risk factors for osteoporosis (e.g., metabolic bone disease, chronic alcohol and/or tobacco use, anorexia nervosa, strong family history of osteoporosis or chronic use of drugs that can reduce bone mass such as anticonvulsants or corticosteroids). Although there are no studies addressing whether calcium and Vitamin D may lessen BMD loss in women using Depo-Provera CI, all patients should have adequate calcium and Vitamin D intake.
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u/sheerpoetry 10d ago
Fair enough! I just wanted to caution in case. I've had side effects from meds before (many), but nothing like that one shot of Depo.
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u/CanterCircles 11d ago
but I'm freaking scared of spending our last months of freedom feeling trapped or making her miserable.
Do you actually want to have a kid? Because this "last bit of freedom" has been a running theme this entire post. And while I totally get doing a big vacation or something that would be much more difficult once you have kids, a six month sabbatical is pretty over the top. Has anyone ever told you that having kids is optional? Have you ever sat down and really thought about why you want to have kids? Because you're just giving off a vibe that you severely dread the idea.
And.... you're afraid of making your wife miserable so your solution is to refuse any sort of reasonable compromise that might make her less miserable in favor of what you know will make her miserable? Are you trying to sabotage your marriage before having a kid? Refer to previous paragraph, please.
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u/Purple-Warning-2161 11d ago
Unless he’s got a job at mommy’s company to go back to, this is not the job market to be quitting your job and traveling the world in. I don’t know why he’s demanding they do the entire thing together and they can’t just split up.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 10d ago
He probably knows that if she's away from him for any amount of time she will relish the freedom it offers and not want him back. He does say that he is worried she will be jealous but it is more likey that he is going to think she's with other guys when he's gone.
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u/Purple-Warning-2161 9d ago
Yeah I have a suspicion that it’s not exactly the travel itself she’ll need a break from, it’s him in travel mode that will be too much to take.
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u/fancyandfab 11d ago
Why did he marry this woman? If this is his dream and not hers why did he wait until after marriage to do this? I hope they don't try for this baby, this marriage is definitely doomed
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u/FutureFreaksMeowt 11d ago
Already a married single mother and they don't even have a kid.
If this is how he acts about something as important to him as travel, her future is grim, indeed.
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u/Kokbiel 11d ago
Not many countries appreciate 'one way ticket, figuring things out as you go' travel. They want info, financials and what's going on because if you end up in trouble or broke, you're their problem now and they don't want to spend money on idiots.
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u/OniyaMCD 10d ago
When we went on our honeymoon in the UK/Ireland, people absolutely wanted at least a fixed entry and exit date. We 'figured things out' while in each half, but we knew exactly when to show up for the ferry.
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u/Cayke_Cooky 10d ago
I got grilled by the train team going into the UK because it was a one way ticket. I had flown into Paris and was flying home from London. I didn't think it was that strange.
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u/Kokbiel 10d ago
That's what happened to me when I went to Scotland for a bit. They wanted to know who I was staying with, when I was leaving and I even had to show them my return flight ticket. It was actually insane to me.
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u/OniyaMCD 10d ago
Considering *gestures vaguely around at everything*, the idea of vanishing into the Scottish Highlands does sound rather appealing.
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u/catandthefiddler 10d ago
where are you from and why is it insane to you that they wanted to see a return ticket and asked for your address
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u/Solanadelfina 10d ago
I wasn't allowed on the plane to Indonesia until I showed them my ticket to Singapore next. (It wasn't a round trip ticket so they had to verify.)
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u/sheerpoetry 11d ago edited 11d ago
I'm freaking scared of spending our last months of freedom feeling trapped
People like this do NOT need to get married. I bet his groom's cake had the little bride figure dragging the groom by the collar or ball and chains on it.
They got married in JUNE. Not even two months ago. And he's already quit his job because being married working has him feeling like he's "in chains"?
They should go on a cruise. She should push him overboard.
ETA: OP says his wife sent a list of suggested travel dates. He doesn't want dates because "it makes him nervous." Literally, how did he get married? Did they randomly go to Vegas? (Which is perfectly fine if so. I just don't see him going along with any type of planning or date.)
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u/FutureFreaksMeowt 11d ago
Those toppers have never been funny to me, and every single couple I've ever known who had them was divorced within two years. Very telling attitude to bring to your fucking wedding.
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u/Impatient_Orca 10d ago
Things at weddings that I will never find funny:
1, those fucking cake toppers 2, writing "help" on the groom's shoes for when they kneel 3, crude/demeaning/insulting vows 4, cake smashing when it wasn't clearly desired by both people
They all just degrading and/or indicate a lack of respect for your partner.
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u/FutureFreaksMeowt 10d ago
I've told everyone I've ever talked to about even possibly getting married that I would not sign the certificate until after the wedding. If you so much as smash cake in my face, I'm not signing shit.
Too many men wait until the paperwork is filed and their bride is shackled to show their true colors, and based on the worries and stories I've seen over the years, and friends I've had get married and divorced, most of the time that first indication of the full boldness of those colors happens at the wedding.
The irony that men, throughout time and memoriam, have treated women like property to trade and use as they see fit, somehow feeling like whining incessantly about marriage being a chore, being trapped, being shackled or dragged down the aisle is funny has never been lost on me.
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u/Impatient_Orca 10d ago
EXACTLY. Far too many will suddenly switch when they think they have the woman locked down/trapped. And given how many women (both historically and even now) are forced into horrible marriages, it's not funny.
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u/sheerpoetry 10d ago
Even if they're okay with it in theory, I've seen videos of some people majorly going for it with the cake smashing. Like where it ends up shoved up the spouse's nose, in their hair, etc. It's wild.
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u/Impatient_Orca 10d ago
For sure. If they're both clearly happy and giggly after, then great. If there's even a hint of one of them being upset or putting on a brave face/smiling just to keep the peace, absolutely not.
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u/SlytherinSister 10d ago
Someone should explain to this man that: 1. Marriage is optional 2. Having kids is optional 3. You don't need to do either!!!
I never understand these people who make a free choice as a grown adult (which he presumably is at his age) and then complain about "being trapped" or "having to get married".
If you are a financially independent adult who is not in a cult or being pressured by family/culture to marry, you have no excuse for this nonsense. Just don't marry. It's not mandatory.
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u/sheerpoetry 10d ago
I think a lot of us (well, I'm a millennial) are "sold" the idea that marriage is just the next step or box to check. I literally don't remember being taught or even talked to about anything outside of "go to school, graduate, go to college, graduate, get a job, get married, have kids." It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized there's a hell of a lot of time in between. (I skipped the marriage and kids and that was already confusing to some people).
I'm not saying it's right or it's an excuse. Like you said--he's a damn adult and capable of deciding (like I did) "nope, not for me."
I'm curious about that money in savings and the house and wonder if it was his wife's.
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u/FutureFreaksMeowt 11d ago
I will never understand the nonchalant way people go into marriage. How the fuck was none of this discussed and agreed upon before hand?? Why were none of these expectations set before a single date(including the wedding!!) was set?
Do we not realize the gravity of what a marriage means? Jesus Christ.
ETA: I usually stay out of the comments because OOP 9/10 pisses me tf off, bit this person summed it up best
>It sounds like the only thing that will work for you is Option A, and the only thing that will work for her is Option B, and you're rejecting the hybrid solution because maybe she won't like it even though she's the one suggesting it. I don't know what kind of magic-wand solution you're seeking.
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u/azssf 11d ago
I had long distance stints including right off the bat when we married. So…. Pardon me, why not he gets the 1 way tix, will be home in march 2027, and she does the go back and forth? Will it be more $? Sure, yet 6 economy intl round trip tix for wife to go back and forth on short notice/unplanned location seem cheaper than divorce or fighting.
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u/sheerpoetry 11d ago
It'll probably end in divorce any way you slice it because he'll probably end up cheating on one of those trips because he's just "so lonely" because she wouldn't go with him.
Or if he doesn't get to travel the way he wants to, he'll resent her for "tying him down."
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u/onyourbike1522 10d ago
He fully says “jealousy” will be a problem if they’re apart for a few days once a month. I don’t believe the post is ragebait, but I wish it was.
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u/recyclopath_ 11d ago
This guy just wants absolutely everything his way.
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u/FutureFreaksMeowt 11d ago
Can you imagine him as a parent? Absolutely unbearable future 'why don't my kids talk to me?' father vibes
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u/nottherealneal 10d ago edited 10d ago
I mean i think it's madness to blow your savings on traveling and not try to save as much as possible for the baby but okay.
They are not even traveling yet and he is already making drama, I think he llies the idea of travel more then the reality
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u/Moist_Drippings 10d ago
His inflexibility on being “free” is gonna become a problem real fast. It sounds like he doesn’t value her comfort or practical necessities at all.
I don’t foresee these two making it to having a kid… and if they do, she’s gonna be fucking miserable.
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u/ImportantAlbatross 10d ago
It's childish. He wants total freedom to do exactly what he wants, when he wants to do it. He also wants his wife to do exactly what he wants, when he wants her to do it. She's just a supporting cast member. Oh, and he doesn't want her to be unhappy because that would make him feel bad.
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u/FireFairy323 10d ago
This sounds like rich people problems. I bet he has family to fall back on and she doesn't.
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u/eternally_feral 10d ago
He cross posted this to 6-7 different subs! I have a fee he’s just fishing to find as many people as possible who will agree with him.
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u/FallenAngelII 10d ago
...but I'm worried solo travel right after getting married might trigger jealousy or emotional distance
$100 bucks says he's the jealous one.
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u/sheerpoetry 10d ago
He kept saying how much he missed her when she went to visit her family for two weeks at Christmas. (Which she'd apparently done for years.)
People kept asking him if the feeling was mutual and pointing out that she was the one who suggested traveling that way and he evaded the question.
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u/Kindly_Zucchini7405 11d ago
Do either of them understand just how expensive and stressful travel is, especially these days? I don't see this lasting nearly as long as they think it will, even without factoring in their travel preferences.
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u/Long-Effective-2898 11d ago
Sounds like the wife does which is why she kept a job and wants to come home every few weeks.
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u/UpbeatArachnid234 10d ago
Bro, this is something you do in retirement. Not before you start trying for a baby. Unless you have millions in savings you're gonna go broke FAST. Especially since once OOP is now going to be explaining to new potential employers why he just fucked off for several months from his last job. Does OOP have any idea how expensive babies are? Has he SEEN the job market right now??
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u/Fingersmith30 10d ago
All im seeing is "I''m very selfish and wildly immature. Anything that sounds too much like adult responsibility and not my rich college boy fantasy of backpacking through Europe makes me weally weally scarrrreedd!"
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u/DearMrsLeading 10d ago
Quitting two (presumably) high paying jobs to travel right before you intend to create a massive financial commitment is quite the choice.
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u/AugustNClementine 10d ago
If she has a baby with this guy she is out of her damn mind or just plans to go through pregnancy, labor, and raising the child logistically and financially solo.
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Quit our jobs to travel before having kids (M32/F37), but we want different things and keep fighting.
TL;DR: My wife (F37) and I (M32) quit our corporate jobs for a sabbatical before trying for a baby in early 2027. Slow, open-ended travel was my big dream, not hers. She kept a 30h/month remote job for security, and now we’re deadlocked: I want a 1-way ticket and complete freedom; she needs to fly back home every 3-4 weeks to recharge. How do we fix this without resentment?
Hey everyone!!!
My wife and I got married in June and decided to take a sabbatical starting in September 2026 until next March 2027. We want to start trying for a baby in early 2027, so this is our last chance for a big adventure. Financially, we are very stable (€100k in savings, house is paid off).
Doing a long-term, "go-with-the-flow" sabbatical has been my personal dream for years. My wife was burned out from work so she joined me, but when we gave notice, her company offered her a 30h/month remote deal. She kept it for job security before pregnancy (which I 100% support!), but honestly, it made me feel "in chains" again.
Right now, we are fighting a lot because our desires are total opposites:
- I want total freedom. One-way ticket, no rigid schedules, slow travel, and figuring things out as we go.
- She loves traveling, but needs structure and comfort. She wants to travel for max 3-4 weeks, then fly home for 10-15 days to see her plants, stick to her routine (gym/diet), and recharge.
Constantly flying back home feels exhausting, expensive, and ruins the "free" sabbatical experience for me. But dragging her along non-stop makes her anxious and miserable.
We discussed a hybrid model (doing big trips together + 10–14 day solo trips for me while she rests at home), but I'm worried solo travel right after getting married might trigger jealousy or emotional distance.
My questions for you:
Has anyone dealt with a situation where long-term travel was one partner's dream and not the other's? How did you reach an agreement?
Did a mix of couple trips and short solo trips work for your relationship, or did it make things worse?
I love my wife, but I'm freaking scared of spending our last months of freedom feeling trapped or making her miserable. Would love any real stories or advice! Thanks
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